Reluctant Enthusiast

To all my girls

2011-05-19T01:56:00.005-05:00

Sometimes it takes a while to get back into it.

But you can't walk five steps without hearing "social media". So here I am.

To all my girls.. it's been a while. Always will be. Because I am a motivated, driven, career-minded girl. And what I love about you all is -- that's ok. You are too. And if I call you out of the blue, it's cool. And if you email me on a random Tuesday, it's perfect! If you emailed me every Tuesday I wouldn't mind. But with us, it's more like once or twice a year.

Happy Birthday girl. You're lookin' good. What's new with you? Congratulations on being so fabulous!!

It's been quite a year, what a ride. Here's to many, many more.

The Death Meditation

2009-02-13T22:57:00.001-05:00

I've been seeing my acupuncturist for a couple of months now. I originally went just for general wellness hoping she would guide me a little. As I hoped she was able to identify a few things we could address. Of all things, she's treating me for stress. Ha. If I am nothing else, I am one big stress ball. I run on high octane and generally don't sit down and relax during my day. One thing she told me to do is meditate more. Work on relaxing. Try to be less worked up.

This last week has been a rough one. But I'm still trying to listen to my acupuncturist and meditate more. I take yoga at my gym and my instructor started offering extended meditation after class. Just 15 minutes, so I figured it was perfect. Quick and easy.

Day 1, the extra meditation topic was death. Sweet. Rough week and all... not my favorite topic. There I am sitting on my mat in meditation as she is discussing death.

1. We are all going to die.
2. We don't know when we'll die.
3. Invest your efforts in things that are important.

I can understand her point, live life for today and spend your energy doing what matters. It was just poor timing for me. I tried to relax but of course, the tears flowed.

Perhaps it's what I needed, some form of release. But it was unexpected. And a little too public for tears if you ask me. But then again, perhaps the release I felt was a sign that the meditation I was supposed to be doing was so important. It just seemed ironic.

Freshies!!

2009-01-26T23:30:00.004-05:00

I don't mean to brag, but the snow in the trees at Heavenly yesterday was to die for. I went up figuring I would take a couple of runs and then work for a few hours but I was quite happily mistaken.

It has been raining under 7000 feet for the last few days and 50 degrees for the last 3 weeks so everything in town has been pretty sucky. But I couldn't let myself sit on the couch all weekend. I finally got off my butt and rode up about halfway for some very unexpected turns in a foot of soft fluffy powder. Well if the mountain was that good half way up, I figured there was nothing but powder up above, so I headed up.

I was not disappointed. Although there was definitely some granite poking out it was virtually bottomless. I felt good enough to jib off some trees and skip over the visible rocks and found untracked heaven. I saw a few people but had so many beautiful turns I couldn't stop smiling.

I actually feel bad for the people who are just learning. I mean, good for me, but if they knew what they were missing...

I didn't want to jinx it until I was done but my iPod lasted the entire afternoon. I'm pretty stoked about my riding playlist this year. Here's to keeping the faith.

My Favorite Things

2009-01-21T19:12:00.009-05:00

I would consider myself a somewhat serious outdoor enthusiast. (Half-hearted fanatic?) I also have a propensity to buy a lot of things I feel I cannot live without. Combine those tendancies and you have a sometimes hyper chick with many outdoor toys.

I used to read outdoor magazines and gear magazines and eat up the reviews about anything from skis and boards to mittens and hiking boots. But then I realized someone pays these guys to test out gear and it's probably in their best interest to find the stuff from Funding Company to be better than stuff from other companies. (The full color multi-page ads in the magazine supporting the gear that got top reviews was a big indicator.) I'm not suggesting everyone out there is reviewing unfairly, or perhaps they request ad money from top companies, but I still felt slighted when I discovered I couldn't really trust the magazines. At least not with the naivety that I once did.

Anyway, now I try to talk to people and shop around, and barring that just buy it and try it. Recently, my favorite pieces of gear are my gators and my YakTrax. I've had the gators for a year or so now, but the Yak Trax are new. I wear them both nearly every day on walks with the dog. Sadly the boots have seen better days. They're my absolute favorite and have been wonderful for many years but they could use a waterproofing treatment.

The gators are just gore-tex "sleeves" for my lower leg that cover most of my boot. They keep the top of the boot dry, keep snow from piling in, and keep my pant legs from wicking water up my leg. Very useful, especially today when I was post-holing the entire length of our hike. Really wish I had my snowshoes. But my pants were dry! Incidentally I got the gators at REI but I've never tried another brand. They tend to stay up very well and don't move around much.

The YakTrax are new to me. I got them about a month ago at the suggestion of a friend. YakTrax is a brand name for little coiled grips that stretch over the bottom of your shoe. Very useful on icy or heavily packed trails. They look somewhat silly but work really well in treacherous conditions. I already busted one, although it still works. I'm still not sure how durable they're supposed to be. I do quite a bit of hill climbing in them, I'm not sure that's really what they were intended for. Time will tell.

One thing I was not expecting is they have helped protect my knees. Rather than trying to step into existing footsteps, I can step wherever I want on more uneven surfaces. This transfers the work to my ankles and allows me to maintain better knee alignment.

I'm not sure what to get next. I have acquired a bunch of gear. Just about something for every weather condition. Maybe I'll just pray for snow.

Courduroy

2009-01-12T17:48:00.000-05:00

Coming from the East Coast to a West Coast mountain town, there are so many new things. Fish tacos (sounds gross but they grow on you), mountains outside my backdoor, so many mountain biking trails and climbing routes I don't know where to start, and lots and lots of ski-bums. (Not that it's a bad things to be a ski-bum. I'm actually kind of jealous.)

Some things I have done here that I never did in the 3 1/2 years I lived in DC: Attended both a formal and a few semi-formal events. (I now have 5 dresses. This alone is amazing.) Not felt the desire to get out of town for some fun. Everything here is fun. Got the chance to break out things like cross-country skis and snowshoes and tromp around in the snow. And rode the mountain and sat at the beach (of the lake) in the same day. Truly unbeatable.

The one cool thing about being from the East is they very infrequently get reals snow. You tend to get very good at skiing and riding in icy, crappy, fake-snow conditions. So when you get to a real mountain, with real snow, and they have a not-so-good day, you're like SWEET!! Because a bad day in the mountains is better than the best day on the slopes back East. And you ride like a pro. Woohoo!

There's one thing about snow and ski resorts though that seems to be fairly universal. Courduroy. At night when everyone goes home, all the ski areas bring out the groomers to smooth out the bumps and moguls and make all of the trails even and consistent.

Some people would scoff at riding "groomers", the trails that the ski areas have made all smooth and nice. But your average skier pretty much sticks to the designated areas and doesn't ski in the trees or out of bounds.

I'm not saying it's the best, because powder is the best. But if you can't have powder, and you're at the mountain for first chair, one of the coolest things is riding untouched courduroy. You can pick up some speed knowing the snow is consistent and really lay out your turns. It's pretty awesome.

Jewels of Knowledge

2009-01-05T19:47:00.000-05:00

If you're not fortunate enough to own a dog or spend much time with one, I would like to share with you something that should not go unnoticed. Dogs have some of the worst smelling gas of any animal on the planet. And when I say worst I mean room-clearing horrible.

I think everyone knows dogs pass gas. But the thing is it sneaks up on you. Not only that, but it usually comes in clusters. Just when you're all curled up on the couch watching tv, you get this cloud of odor that sort of hangs in the air. And let me tell you it is nasty. Somewhere between rotten eggs and baby diapers. Seriously foul. And then another. And another. And another. Any more? Are you sure that was it Echo?

It's the best when we have company. Dogs don't know passing gas is undesirable. It really grosses people out and they look at you like "what?" The other day we were playing Cranium with a bunch of friends and the dog insisted on standing in the middle of the circle. She just needed to be in the action. But then she decides to curl up on the couch behind a couple of people and when she relaxes, of course, she lets it all go. Fart after fart.

Someone suggested feeding her yogurt. So maybe I'll try that. Can't hurt right? As long as that doesn't give her diarrhea.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T00:40:00.000-05:00

Re-defining Lucky

2008-12-14T16:07:00.001-05:00

I posted the pup on Craig’s list and also on the classified board at work. I was hoping to find a good home for him with a family I already know. Not 12 hours later I get an email from a lady north of Reno who saw the ad on Craig's list. She said she lived on a farm but I don't think initially I quite understood. When I called her she had just finished milking the cows. Her "farm" has 350 acres with horses, cows, llamas, dogs, kids, you name it. She should have called it a ranch! The puppy was going to be her husband's Christmas present and she wanted to come get the him immediately. Hello perfect dog family!

Since Reno is about an hour and a half and she lives beyond that, I offer to meet her half way. But she said she had to deliver hay so maybe she’ll send her husband. It won't be a Christmas surprise but there's nothing like immediate gratification!

I go home and grab Brando after work on Tuesday and drive down the hill to meet this lady’s husband. He is there in a nice big SUV and Brando immediately hops in his vehicle. I talked to the guy for a moment and then they drive away. It was much harder than I thought it would be. I’ve only had Brando five or six days but he is Echo’s brother and I really care about what happens to him.

About a day goes by and the new owner starts sending me hilarious emails about what the dog’s doing. They’ve decided to rename the dog to Rosco. She wanted it to be Hank but I think she was outnumbered by her husband and their kids. She also wants pictures of my pup and the mom and dad of the litter. She seems super engaged. And the best part is they want puppies so there will be little Rosco’s running around sometime in the future. I just don’t think Brando/Rosco/Hank could have found a better home.

On Wednesday she wrote:

Thought you could use a laugh! We can't remember his name>Brandon>....well anyway it's Rosco! I would have picked Hank! Mind you our two are really well minded dogs, no couches, no noses on counter etc...so this morning Jerry's in the shower and Taz [girl heeler] follows daddy into the bathroom with a look on her face like "Guess what he's doing!" Jerry goes out and he's on the couch!! Not unless called!

So today he can't quite figure out the llammas! And I was out on the dam shucking drywall over the edge to melt in and plug up the leaks! And the dogs are with me! Only he is walking on the ice, maybe up to 10 feet from the side, now mind you the girls are barking and playing but not going on the ice! I was laughing my asss off thinking I'd have to go in and get Jerry's Christmas present if he fell in, ya know true love and stuff! Eventually he got to thin enough to fall in and managed to get out as by this time he is close enough to the shore to touch the side [I think] but instead of getting on dry land he goes back to running along the side still on the ice!!! Finally I get him to the dirt and he decides to bark, well then the hills echo....yep then I really couldn't get him to quit! So I walked back to the house to have a soda, write you and hope he forgets when we go back out!!!
Thanks again!!!
Your welcome to come visit!

Thursday this came:

So it was going good....then.....he went under the neighbors [he's a cardiologist and does endurance riding!] fence!!! It wasn't like he was really chasing their "prize" Arabians, more like following them which gave them a good chance to run [and visa versa]! But....! My "girls" just stayed with me and he didn't even care, it must have taken us an hour to catch him! The good news is they are on vacation in South America and their ranch hand [our friend] was up in the hills riding one of their horses! I have enough horses he could have chased/followed! So now he'll have to be leash bound till he gets over it!

We have a German Shorthair, awesome dog, now thinks she's a cow dog, barks [loud] when I tell the cows to move! Also wanting to go after the feet like Taz our female heeler. When she came she ran, and ran, and ran... till she realized she could run whenever she wants, so now she runs when she just hangs out with me, and Taz, and ....Rosco! I was vote'n for Hank! I guess there is Hank the cowdog books I could get for the Grandson's hopefully to learn more read'n! ... I don't think I'll when on this!

Well, "we're" headed to Battlemtn for a hay delivery, he rides good in the car! Oh also he puts his feet on kitchen counter! And thinks he can get on the coutches! But not for long!! He is really smart! We get to get baby llammas for the grandson's Christmas! Have a great day, and thanks again! It would be cool to get his sis's pictures too!

Grand-dog

2008-12-10T10:00:00.001-05:00

At some point my mom switched from threatening that I not have children too young to hinting at how nice it would be to have grandchildren. "I guess I'll just have to spoil my grand-dog because I have no grandkids". I don't feel bad though. Look how cute she is! Anyone would love to be her Grandma!

Recently she sent me this great travel bed/blanket thing. She wrote "do not open until Christmas" on the box and then called me to tell me I had to open it when it came. She couldn't even stand it herself. I took it out of the box and Echo immediately plopped herself down on it claiming it as her own.

I like to think this picture shows her being grateful and all shy about someone buying her such a nice gift. Do you think that's possible?

Adopt me!

2008-12-09T00:42:00.005-05:00

This is Brando, Echo's brother. My boss adopted him when I adopted Echo. He's at my house because my boss' new baby is severely allergic to him. I am trying to teach him some manners and find him a new home. I have him on Craig's List, the classifieds at work, and I'm going to make some fliers to put up at the dog park.

Echo loves Brando. When I used to work in the valley all day, I would take Echo to play with him. They said the dogs wrestled the whole day. I believe it because Echo and Brando do nothing but wrestle now that he's staying with us. And when she came home from a day with Brando she slept like the dead. It was sweet.

It's a pretty emotional experience to have a new dog around. It sounds silly to say that but I really like him. But at the same time I don't really know him yet. And I get really mad at him when he's bad. The other night he and Echo were wrestling and I heard Echo yelp which means something hurt. I yelled really loud and chased after Brando who was so scared he peed on the chair. It just wanted him to know it wasn't okay to play too rough. Not like she doesn't give him a pretty rough time of it.

It's hard for me to think of all of the animals out there that need homes and don't have anyone to care for them. Hopefully we'll find a good home for him soon. He's a really sweet dog.

If I had an image of the day section

2008-12-05T22:22:00.000-05:00

I would choose this one for today. It's actually from May sometime. She looks a lot older to me but I might be the only one who can tell.

Nothin' but class

2008-12-01T00:28:00.006-05:00

I wasn't going to cook this year because almost everyone I know is out of town visiting their family. I thought about going out for Thanksgiving dinner. Aside from it being somewhat depressing, I decided I couldn't live without the leftovers. The whole experience was much less emotionally fulfilling than I had hoped. It turns out without family and friends around to experience the holiday with it's just another Thursday. Except you don't have to go to work.

I'm glad I have the leftovers. But next year I think I'll make the effort to be with my family. Not that I didn't want to this year. It just didn't work out like I had hoped. It looked pretty though.

And of course the obligatory turkey coma.

Moments

2008-11-20T15:58:00.001-05:00

I love going on vacation because everything seems so unfamiliar. When you are discovering and learning and feeling new things, it's nearly impossible not to have that fuzzy tingling sensation all over. It's like falling in love. You know the feelings of newness won't last but it feels so good while it does. Unfortunately we can't be on vacation all the time. And if we were, would that not become normal, everyday, and familiar? We would be right back where we started.

But sometimes in everyday life there are moments of realization or recognition of something we never quite saw before. Or at least something we see in a new way. We discover something new in the familiarity of our lives and feel alive, refreshed, and awake.

Last night, a Thursday of all days, I was sitting in a cafe sipping soup and listening to some older Jack Johnson they had playing when I realized I was feeling that warm, fuzzy, tingly sensation all over. The cafe was all rustic wood and I was watching people come in and out ordering smoothies and sandwiches and it felt like I was somewhere else, on vacation. I can't really pinpoint what it was, but I felt happy and relaxed. And I started to think about that feeling and how much I love it. There is nothing like it. It's a high of sorts. Like detaching your body from your worries and cares and just being in the moment.

What a wonderful trick it would be to learn to embrace that feeling and carry it with you in your life. To look at your everyday life with affection and contentment. To drive the same way to work everyday but love it more each time. To hold your love in your arms but feel the beating of your heart and longing for having been away from each other. To enjoy your morning walk like you're doing it for the first time.

I think this is possible and an entirely admirable ambition. There must be people who achieve this every day. But even to experience such detachment and calm once a week would be therapeutic at its worst.

Uh oh.. what happened?

2008-11-18T11:56:00.003-05:00

I don't know if it's the tone of my voice, but whenever I see that my little angel dog has chewed something up or mistaken the carpet for a toilet I ask her what happened. And I always get this same reaction. In this instance she decided to try out my chapstick while I was in the shower.

I think she's trying to say "I'm sorry.. don't kill me!"

In my new house there's a tile floor in one room where she stays during the day. And for some reason she refuses to believe me when I tell her it's not okay to pee on the floor. I'm fairly trustworthy I'm not entirely sure what the issue is. But she insists. So I have this bitter cherry spray that I spray on her tongue right after I literally wipe her nose in her urine. Just the sight of me when she's peed on the floor provokes more pee presumably a direct result of her fear of the cherry spray my harsh words. Poor baby. I know she doesn't mean it, but it still doesn't make it okay.

Apparently dogs know they're not supposed to pee on the floor. But they don't have the mental capacity to choose not to do it when they have to go. They only remember when you walk in the door and they suddenly have an "Oh shit" moment. I still think the "I'm sorry" face is very cute.

I would describe myself as Type A

2008-11-14T23:01:00.010-05:00

When I do things, I don't just kinda-sorta do them. I create spreadsheets and check the facts, I call and confirm, and I ask lots of questions. I have plans A, B, C and a backup plan D just in case. I can be seriously anal. So when I tell you my experience was horrible, it's usually not for lack of planning or thought. But in this case, I would say I am ignorant and it has not been blissful.

Sigh...

I've been talking about trading in the Civic for something a little more Tahoe-worthy for probably a year now. Last month I finally pulled the trigger. I applied for a loan, got pre-approved for twice what I really needed, and went to work on finding a car I liked.

I finally settled on a '99 Subaru Forester from a mom and pop place called Shillers. It's a great car with all of the important stuff: tires, an engine, headlights, and all-wheel drive. (oooh..) The dealer seems like a really nice guy, he has a really good reputation, and he's been doing it for years.

I take my bank draft from Navy Federal and drive the four hours to Santa Rosa. I test drive the car and love it, and then I discover they can't accept bank drafts. I'm sorry, what?? I'm such a retard. This whole problem could easily have been solved if I had just called and confirmed, "you accept bank drafts right?" I am obviously not a banker.

I proceed to spend an hour or so on the phone with the Credit Union and finally come to the conclusion I will not be driving this car home. Damnit. But in another few days the check should be mailed and everything will be peachy. The dealer graciously agrees to hold the car for me and I'll be back in two weeks to pick it up.

I sulk my way home and I wait. No check. And wait some more. No check. I call. We need more info. I give them the info and I wait. I call back. Still waiting. I call back again. Still waiting. I call back again. Denied due to insufficient collateral. Seriously? It's not my credit or my income, all that is great. The car is not worth what the dealer is asking. But I have the blue book printout in my hand. I did it myself. Sorry, no can do. (WTF?!) But if you can re-negotiate for a lower rate, perhaps they would approve the loan. Sigh....

So I wait five minutes and call back. Hey! I was able to negotiate a lower price!!! (Amazing isn't it?) I'm sorry you'll have to fill out another application. Can't you take the information from the old application? I'm sorry ma'am we can't. Okay, let's fill it out. We'll need the VIN. (Silent cursing). I don't have the VIN (it's on the application), I'll have to call you back.

At this point I give up and go to Bank of America. I'm sorry, we only do auto loans on line. Thanks. I go back home and I apply for a loan online. Accepted! Call this number to speak with an associate. Hi, Thank you for calling Bank of America. You have reached us outside of our normal business hours. Please call back between 8 and 5 Monday through Friday. It is now 8pm on Friday.

Back to Navy Federal. They're open pretty much 24/7. I finally get in touch with someone who understands my issue, modifies the old application (I didn't have to fill out a new one) and sends it in. Please call us back in 24 hours and we should have an answer for you.

So now if I don't get the loan from Navy Federal, I should probably hear back from Bank of America and then finally get my car. But this has honestly been one of the worst experiences I've had in a really long time. I'm not sure I've really learned anything except that I wasn't anal enough. This has taken absolutely all of the fun out of car buying.

With as much fun as I've had so far, I am not looking forward to selling the Civic.

Update: 11/18/08

I can't get a loan from Navy Federal or Bank of America. But I bet they'd jump on the chance to loan me $30,000 for a brand new car that is only worth $20,000 the second I drive it off the lot. So I'm borrowing the money from my parents. I feel like an enormous loser.

Halloween

2008-10-31T11:52:00.000-05:00

It was supposed to be the guy from the pringles can with a monacle but it ended up looking like a crazy walrus.

Phobias

2008-10-15T21:49:00.002-05:00

I usually clip Echo's nails with my fingernail clipper. I've probably done it two or three times since I've had her because she really doesn't care to have it done. She squirms and bites me and really just would prefer I didn't do it.

The other day I got out my clippers to trim my own nails and she immediately put her ears back and proceeded to hide in my bed. I was like.. "aww, it's ok, I'm not trimming your nails today." She doesn't believe a word of it until I actually put the clippers away.

But then I realized she's way smarter than I thought. She recognized the pattern. I get my clippers out, trim my nails, then realize she probably needs it too. Good doggy.. too smart for her own good!

I love it here

2008-09-19T23:17:00.014-05:00

I always go for walks with Echo through these meadows along the Truckee River with the Sierra mountains all around. Sometimes I stop to look around and breathe in the mountain air and I remember how hard I worked to get here.

When I first moved to D.C. from New York I used to spend 4 hours commuting every day. Now Echo and I usually walk 2 or 3 hours every day. I think it's a much better use of my time. I think she agrees.

Sailing in Tahoe

2008-07-25T00:50:00.006-05:00

A couple of boats in the fleet. Notice we're taking this picture from behind, not so much in first place.

An Olsen 30.

Our fearless leader.

We still haven't made it to the mark. But spinnakers are beautiful.

Expressway. They kick our butts every time.

Turuff

Six and a half months

2008-07-25T00:37:00.006-05:00

I got a new zoom lens for my camera. I took it out of the box and started using it immediately. It's sweet. And also, Echo is beautiful and definitely not camera shy.

She loves our walks in the woods. She bounds around chasing squirrels and birds. And every minute or so she looks to make sure I'm still there. Sometimes I hide behind a tree to see what she'll do. She usually books for home thinking that's where I've gone. But I don't let her get far.

It's a little shocking how much I love her.

Poor puppy

2008-07-15T22:47:00.004-05:00

Echo is six months old now so I took her to the Vet to have her spayed. I really didn't want her to have to go through the surgery but I also really didn't want to have little baby Echos running around. She's still just a baby herself.

During the few days leading up to her surgery I would just start crying randomly because I was so scared for her. And of course I cried when I dropped her off. But she made it out fine.. And now she's just the saddest thing you ever saw.

The vet recommended I have two of her back claws removed because they can get infected. So now she has her belly scar and her poor little back feet are stiched up.

It's only the second day and she's already found a way out of her collar to chew off the bandages on her legs. I had to go get a bigger collar tonight and it's even more pitiful than the first one. It's enormous! Poor baby.

I have to laugh when I look at her. I think she hates me.. but I can't blame her. At least when we go for walks she doesn't have to wear the collar. Only when I have to leave her alone so she can't chew out her stiches. What a sweet girl though.

The vet says she has to "be calm" for the next two weeks. No jumping, no running, no water, no excitement. TWO WEEKS?! Echo has never been calm for more than two minutes!!!! This should be interesting. Wish us luck.

Patriotism at its Best

2008-05-05T22:19:00.000-05:00

Belle of the Ball

2008-04-22T01:24:00.003-05:00

Everywhere we go Echo is the center of attention. It's so good for her to meet people and other animals so I try to take her everywhere with me. We went to the last hour or so of an outdoor concert on Sunday. It was pretty nippy out so I figured I would zip her up in my coat. Woah, she uh, grew a bit. She just barely fit into a coat she used to have plenty of room in. It was so funny, I had this huge bulge and people were looking at me like "is that a baby under there?" It was really cute though, she had her head tucked in the sleeve and her little tail would hang out the bottom. And when she wanted to look around she's tick her head out and I'd unzip my coat a little. People were totally won over. Shocking, I know. I have a lot of fun with her. And I've met more people that way.

"aww.. what kind of dog is she??" "she's so cute!" "healer right?"

Different is good

2008-04-22T00:54:00.008-05:00

I have sort of abandoned my blog lately. I post pictures, and some fleeting thoughts, but nothing really substantial. I was reading back on some of my old posts tonight and realized how traumatized I used to feel. I have been so much more relaxed and positive since I move West. Tahoe has made me a better person, literally. If for no other reason than less time spent in the car and more time spent outdoors. Oh, and my puppy :) She makes life wonderful.

I'm sad that I haven't been inspired to write as much, though. I still write occasionally, but struggle and pain were always such compelling reasons to write. It always forced me to organize my thoughts enough to get them down. I suppose if that's what it takes then I don't need to write so much anymore. Maybe not at all.

Tahoe is like a dream. You wouldn't believe the amazing views in every direction. I took a short walk up to the highschool the other day and was simply awe-struck at the view from the football field. You look out at layers of trees and beyond that, mountains covered in snow. I just stood there staring with my mouth hanging open in wonder at the beauty. I can't imagine what it must be like to grow up here.

When I used to live on the Outer Banks I remember one of my friends was from Crested Butte, CO. She would say that she wanted raise her kids somewhere cool so they would grow up to be awesome adults. I figured Colorado had to be just about the coolest place on earth and envied her childhood. I think Tahoe would be right up there. I haven't talked to her much since then, but I bet if she has little ones they'll be hitting kickers and riding "pow" by the time they're 3. Just like the little Tahoe kiddies.

I guess the point is I'm happy. And from what I read tonight I didn't always feel this way. One of the goals I set before I moved a year ago was to "have an awesomely different life by this time next year". I think I can safely say my life is diffent and awesome. Mission accomplished.

Btw, this was the coolest day ever. It was when Steph came to visit. It snowed a bunch and the road was closed heading out to Emerald Bay where it tends to avalanche. So we decided to park and hike out to the overlook. It was totally surreal. In places along the road there's a complete 360 degree view. Completely amazing.

I love this face so much.

2008-04-14T00:57:00.001-05:00

Confident Dog

2008-04-02T23:30:00.004-05:00

One thing I've noticed about having Echo is that I do more things on my own. I never used to feel comfortable being out and about by myself. Aside from a trip to the grocery store or the gym, I always needed to have someone with me. I would rarely ever even mountain bike by myself, I always recruited a buddy. I guess she makes me feel more motivated. There's really no option to go home and be lazy when she stares at me like "when are we leaving?"

Since we walk three times a day, I'm always looking for new and exciting places to explore. Today we took this amazing trail up a gully with a stream running through it. It was very cool. I had to go slowly because it's a lot of effort to hike uphill in the snow. She's really good about sticking around and usually won't wander more than ten feet or so. She'll stop and look at me like "come on!!!" It was very cute. On the way down she knew the way so she was running 20 feet ahead and stopped to wait for me. She makes me so happy when she's content and doing what she loves.

Look how cute I am mom!!!

2008-03-26T20:25:00.001-05:00

I could just watch her all day.

It's funny because her sisters have these cute little floppy ears. But Echo's stand up on end. They're much bigger as well. Her dad had these big stand-up ears. I guess that's where she gets it from.

Ghetto doggy

2008-03-26T00:58:00.005-05:00

I couldn't help it. She whines and shivers when we walk on cold days. So I thought maybe she needed a coat. She doesn't hate it, but I wouldn't say it's her favorite thing ever. But it makes me feel a little better about taking her for walks in the cold.

Update:

It's only a month later and this sweater is already almost too small. I knew it would be before next winter, but she's growing so fast!!!

Mixed feelings

2008-03-25T21:52:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I love my puppy so much I wonder why I ever waited to get a dog. She cuddles at night and rests her head on my neck. She's really cute in the morning when she stretches all out on the bed and licks my face and she's all shy and sweet and quiet. When I get home from work she's so happy to see me, her oversized ears lay back and she crouches and licks me while her little tail wags back and forth. She barely ever leaves my side. She'll follow me upstairs even if someone else is playing with her. She sits on my feet while I wash dishes and wants to be in my lap if I'm sitting somewhere. When we were riding in the car today it started raining and she was watching the windshield wipers go back and forth, kind of biting the air each time they swept by. The first time she discovered the mirror on my closet door I thought I was going to die laughing. She ran full speed at the puppy reflection and licked and licked the face. Then she tried to get past the puppy in the mirror but couldn't figure out why she couldn't get by. Finally she saw my reflection and kept barking until I walked over and pet her.

Sometimes though, I feel completely exhasperated and seriously cannot figure out why in God's name I felt compelled to let a wild animal live in my home. I don't mind getting up at 1am and then again at 4am in case she just woke up because she has to go to the bathroom. But I don't understand why the other night after we get home from a long walk she proceeds to do laps around the couch and launches herself off of anything she can manage to climb. I can't figure out why she won't come to me when I call her, especially when we're about to go for a walk. I get really frustrated when she bites my lip or my toes so hard I want to cry. She's usually really good about going to the bathroom outside but last night we stood outside forever while I froze my butt off. Later I walked through the enormous puddle in the bathroom. And today I finally found the pile of poop under the dining room table. I know she's just a baby and she's going to grow out of a lot of the annoying puppy behaviors, but I can't help getting upset with her.

When I'm good, I'm good

2008-03-22T20:08:00.000-05:00

It's tough to wear a puppy out. But when I do, it's awesome. I wanted to go somewhere and Echo was tired. So I picked her up with the blanket she was on and put her in a bag. She woke up for a minute but then she was out like a light.

Puppy love

2008-03-16T20:15:00.000-05:00

My best friend Stephanie came out to visit. I lived with her for a year in Virginia and in no way did I appreciate what I had until I lost her. Four of us all lived in a townhouse and at the end of the year I announced that I wanted to move to the West Coast. So everyone packed up, got jobs elsewhere and moved. Except me; I stayed in Virginia. I hadn't found the perfect job yet and I was willing to wait until I did. Finally a year later I moved to Tahoe. But I miss her like crazy! I love it when friends come to visit. No matter how long it's been, we're still the best of friends.

7 weeks

2008-03-04T00:40:00.002-05:00

Echo is such a good puppy. She had her first shots last week and didn't cry once. She sat on my lap like a good girl and just waited patiently. There is no shortage of energy either. Just one more week and she comes home with me for good. She loves me too. I know that's funny to say, but she curls up in my lap when she wants to go to sleep and when she's nervous. I think we've really bonded. I was there when she was born and I've seen her just about every other day since then.

The kitty is still her favorite toy. She's getting much better about chewing the kitty and not my fingers. She still loves to chew on my hair though. I'm not sure I'll ever break her of that habit.

She might be just a little jealous of her sister River. But they love to play together and cuddle together. It's seriously the cutest thing you have ever seen in your life.

She's getting bigger...

2008-02-18T22:02:00.004-05:00

I decided to name her Echo. Two reasons. She looks just like her mom. And her mom's name is Angora. Angora is a lake here and so is Echo Lake. So I wanted to stick with tradition. She's so, so cute. And she loves attention. I'm so excited!!

I started to buy her things. This is dangerous but oh so fun. I got her two green ceramic bowls for her food and water. I wanted pink but they didn't have it. I got her a cute little green fleece blanket that she loves. She chews on it when she's up and sleeps in it when I take her places. And she has this tiny little green collar. So adorable. And I'm perpetually buying her toys. She's going to be a very spoiled dog. My favorite is this miniature kitty stuffed animal. She loves it because it doesn't weigh much and she can drag it around with her. The other toys are still kind of big for her. But she tries.

I also went to the bookstore to read about her breed and how to care for her. I got a couple of Australian Cattledog books and one called "The Complete Holistic Dog Book". It's very interesting. Talking about things like what kinds of supplements to give your dog after they have shots to help them counteract the negative affects. I wanted to buy more books but I tried to exercise at least some restraint.

She sleeps a lot and pees a lot. But I think this is normal puppy behavior. It's kind of nice when she sleeps, because then she's not whining and she's cute when she's sleeping. Today she played so hard that she crawled up into my lap and fell asleep. I love that.

Four weeks

2008-02-13T02:18:00.000-05:00

Whiners

2008-02-13T02:13:00.003-05:00

You know how when you're by yourself and you get hurt, you tend to be tougher than you would be if you were with someone you know? Or if you're with people you know won't be sympathetic you're tough and sort of just pretend not to be hurt?

Since I've been sick I noticed I'm way more whiney when other people are around. But when it's just me, I sort of just plow ahead and deal. I once was mountain biking and did a header over the handlebars and busted myself up pretty good. But I was alone with nobody to whine to. So I pealed myself off the ground, got back on, and kept riding.

Weird.

Moments of weakness

2008-02-10T19:17:00.002-05:00

I've been sick for two and a half weeks now and I'm really starting to get frustrated with it. I think I have a sinus infection, first one I've ever had. I'm supposed to be in Florida next week for a conference and I really don't want to be sick while I'm there. Also, the usual remedy of sleep, vitamin C, echinacea, zinc, and chlorophyl aren't working. I mean, maybe they are, but I can't really tell. And there doesn't really seem to be an end in sight.

On Sunday around 5am when the coughing wouldn't stop and I was seriously fed up with the whole thing, I decided I would go to the doctor when they opened. This was not an easy decision, but I really didn't know what more to do. I sort of pride myself on being in control of my body and knowing how to care for it without the intervention of much in the way of pharmaceuticals.

So I break down and go to the doctor, and of course, there was an hour wait. But an hour turned into four and as I'm still sitting there the manager, who I know through work, comes in to tell me about the people ahead of me with some rather serious injuries. I completely understand, my little cold will not kill me, but lacerations and chest pain might kill those in front of me. But the four hours leading up to this point could have just as easily been spent in bed. So I leave, and to my surprise I'm fairly exasperated with the whole situation, thus the uncontrollable tears being excreted from my tear ducts. I hate crying. Seriously, lots of passion and dislike. Unfortunately I do it with rather annoying frequency. What can I say, I'm a girl.

H'enyway. Monday, I felt better. My mom told me about some other vitamins I could take that I happened to have, so I took those and kept up with the rest of the vitamins. And I went to my chiropractor and he made me feel quite a bit better. Did you know they can adjust your head? My sinuses have been draining all day. It is truly awesome. I mean, God or whomever must have been trying really hard to tell me not to go to the doctor. I think I'll listen.

Today I went to the healthfood store in search of a Neti Pot. My dad recommended it and I am up for just about anything at this point. A Neti Pot is pretty much the strangest thing I have ever experienced, but it is awesome. It's this little ceramic teapot that holds about a cup of warm salt water. You literally pour the salt water in one nostril while tilting your head to one side, fill up your sinus, and it runs out the other nostril simultaneously. It's totally bizarre, but feels absolutely wonderful when you're done. It's the coolest.

I had a moment of weakness but was saved at the last moment. I am happy to say I am "through the woods" and on my way to good health. :) No doctors, and no drugs.

Good times...

2008-02-05T00:37:00.000-05:00

I've been in this super bad mood lately. And it's really starting to annoy me. I'm not really much fun when I'm in a bad mood. I'm kind of quiet and I sort of slump around. I've been doing a truly insane amount of shoveling. That could potentially have something to do with it. Although, the mega snowboarding I've been doing should more than make up for it. Maybe it's the winter blues? Can you have winter blues when you live in Tahoe? I sort of have this nasty headache too. Blech..

I'm getting a puppy, that should be good. Oh man are they cute. I think I might be switching puppies. Can you do that?? My little girl is the one always brawling with the other pups. That doesn't seem cool. And she's not so fond of being held on her back. Supposedly that's not a good sign. She's also going to be red, and I kind of had my heart set on a blue heeler. "Sorry honey, but you just weren't quite what we had in mind so we're taking you back.." Poor little thing.

So I think I'm going to try to shake this whole bad mood thing. I'm going to Florida in a couple weeks for a conference. The beach has got to cure some of this right? A little sun? Time with the family? I have been supplementing my diet with hot cocoa which makes me happy. Warm chocolatey goodness.. yum! And my cold is wearing off. What else could a girl ask for? I think this is the new baby..

Pupster!

2008-02-01T02:13:00.000-05:00

At long last I am getting a puppy!! She's an Australian Cattledog. Just about 10 days old in these pictures. She was born four days before my birthday. Aww...

She has this cute little black spot on her right eye. And all but one of her brothers and sisters are getting their color in. She's staying pretty light. Apparently that means she might be a red heeler. Her dad is a red and her mom is a blue heeler.

I was there the night they were born. They looked like little rats. And then a few days later they looked like piglets with cute little tails. Now they're like cute little polar bears. Mostly they just lay around and nurse. They are so sweet. Truly, there are not words.

Their eyes are open now and their little claws are coming in. They're actually pretty sharp. I have been reading all about raising a pup. This breed is really high energy and I live a stone throw away from the forest so she's going to be a mountain dog!! I can't wait! The mama is the coolest dog I have ever met. If this dog is half as cool as her mom she's going to rock!

I just have to figure out what I'm going to name her. Ideas? One of her sister's is named River. My sister suggested an "R" name, but I'm not sure yet.

It snowed!!

2008-01-16T01:01:00.001-05:00

Hooray! I have been waiting for snow like this since last winter.. When all was said and done we had about 5 1/2 feet. Four in this snowfall on top of the foot and a half we got the week before.

So this is my road, normally a two lane road, now a single lane.

My roommate drives a subaru and she had a tough time getting out of the driveway. The civic was going nowhere. I was lucky to make it home a couple of hours after the snow started. I actually got stuck in my road but fortunately made it into the driveway.

This is our mailbox. It's kind of cute actually. It could totally be a postcard.

And my poor car. There was a solid 3 feet of snow on top of it.

When I finally got around to digging it out the snow was thigh deep around it. And then after knocking the snow off the roof, it was waist deep. The picture's a bit deceiving.

Thank God for snowblowers because this would have taken forever.

Seriously though, the powder was some of the best I have ever seen. It was so deep and so smooth. This is what I moved out here for.

I am not complaining

2007-12-28T20:35:00.000-05:00

I have become accustomed that when I go to the airport, they x-ray my belongings and take away my water and any liquid or gel items I have not placed in a 1-quart size plastic bag in an effort to minimize my risk of flying. I truly appreciate their efforts and don't want them to stop and I believe that they are doing their best not to completely inconvenience me. When I go I naturally expect that I will have to remove half of my clothing, throw out my water and hope they don't decide to search me randomly. (This actually hasn't happened in a while but for a while it seemed that it was every time.)

I'm actually pretty lucky. There's a guy I know who for whatever reason was put on a list that makes TSA search and question him every time he flies. He seems pretty normal and harmless, so I can only assume he shares a name with someone who isn't quite so normal and harmless. I guess TSA told him he could send in an application and $150 and they would investigate his case. However, they do not guarantee that it will get him off the list so he has resigned himself to getting to the airport 3 or 4 hours early every time.

On my way back home after visiting for the holidays this time, though, I had a bizarre experience. I am notorious for leaving water in my bag and my liquid or gel items not in a plastic bag. (On my way back from Seattle a while ago I had a sum total of three water bottles in my carry-on luggage. Duh.) Fortunately, though, my family lives in an extremely rural airport. The kind where you can park your car at the terminal and walk your family member(s) in and they won't ticket your vehicle. I was the one and only person in line to get my boarding pass, and the one and only person in line for security. (Is it a line if you're the only one in it?) So I take off my shoes, put my laptop on the belt, coat, bag, belt. They made fun of my freaky shoes, which is funny. And then I realize I had left my water in my carryon. But the lady offered to dump my water out for me and let me keep the bottle which I thought was so nice. And she got me a bag to put my gel stuff in. How nice!!!

So I was spoiled this time. And I love that. But I also want to say thanks to all the TSA people that have to deal with the rude, the unmanageable, and the certifiable in an effort to keep us safe. So I'm not complaining, just noticing...

Inventory

2007-12-16T18:23:00.001-05:00

It doesn't matter how many times I've done it, you'd think I would learn my lesson. But I have this horrible habit of leaving the house without everything I need and end up having to turn the car around and go back. We've all done it, but I'm convinced my frequency is at least double the national average. I actually feel fortunate when I remember in the driveway before I've actually left.

Yesterday I was in the Heavenly parking lot getting my snowboard boots on, and I realized I didn't have my pass. In the car I get, back to the house for my pass, and finally hit the snow 30 minutes later. Fortunately I live close to the mountain, but still...

Almost every morning I leave the house to go to work and have to come back inside. Keys, phone, gym clothes, gloves. It's always something. So why do I do this? I ask myself this question with far too much frequency.

Other than the fact that I'm not organized or tidy enough to always leave my keys in the same place or make sure everything has it's place so it's much easier to tell immediately if I don't have everything I need. My theory is that we all have to take inventory, mentally or otherwise. I just take mine too late. I'm in the car, heading down the road and think to myself "keys, phone, wallet, sunglasses, gym clothes for later, and I'm going to spinning so I need my... crap ,I forgot my spinning shoes." It would be much easier if I would do this mental inventory before leaving the house.

When I go on trips, I have to make a list, because when there's a plane waiting for you there is no time to go back. When I go to the gym, I hand them my keys, and they give me a locker key. Good system because you can't really get far without your car keys, so you remember to turn your locker key back in. The problem is about 33% of the time I forget my water bottle, spinning shoes, yoga mat, running shoes, or other fairly essential item in my car. So I have to go back up to the desk, ask for my keys, go to my car, and come back. It's just a short walk to my car, but you'd tink I could take a little inventory before getting out of my car, and come in with everything I need the first time.

It's not the end of the world. I just need to work on my system of making sure I have everything. Sometimes I feel a little better when my roommate comes back in the door twice to get something before leaving. At least I'm not the only one.

I am so self-concious.

2007-11-28T01:41:00.000-05:00

I wish I could be like those girls that do whatever they want. Wear crazy clothes. Do their hair in bizarre ways. Seem to be impervious to stress and make all the guys stop and stare. But still not care about anything but fun and doing their thing..

You meet them once in a while. And you just kind of want to be them. But if you can't be them, then damnit you're gonna be their best friend. Okay, fine, you'll settle for just knowing them. Seriously strange. But a reality none-the-less.

At least for me.

Is it possible that someday I will be this girl? Or would I then just want to be someone else?

You think you know but you have no idea...

2007-11-26T23:48:00.000-05:00

You think you know what you'll be when you grow up. Then you get to a reasonably grown-up place in your life and still have no clue what you want to be. More school sounds expensive. And so much for that 4 year degree. Maybe you should start all over, major in Human Physiology and become a doctor. Doctors seem happy.

You think you'll grow up, find a great guy, and get married. It'll be perfect! You'll sit at a coffee shop on Saturday mornings and read the paper. Chat about random acts of kindness and dream about the future. And you'll always have someone to be with.

Then someday you'll have kids. They'll be the most beautiful kids you've ever seen. Not to mention smart and athletic. And they'll adore you and you'll adore them. They'll grow up to be happy and healthy and they'll still come home on the holidays and bring their families.

Maybe it just seems like everyone else is happy and have it all figured out. Maybe they really do. Maybe they're just good at pretending. Or maybe it just wasn't meant to be. It's a nice thought though.

Like it's going out of style..

2007-11-10T17:59:00.000-05:00

I have watched more episodes of America's Top Model in the last few weeks than anyone should ever admit to. But it's literally on all the time, episode after episode, and I get sucked in like quicksand. I would be embarrassed but I'm sort of grossly fascinated with my inability to look away. I just watched two episodes, there's one on tv right now, and another one will be on after that.

I could blame it on our cheap cable package and really not having much of a choice. But it has turned into my time to unwind after work. I suppose there's not much harm in that. Except when I can't pull myself away. I was late to yoga twice this week and got a crappy spot in the back of the room where the lights are really bright.

Great story right? If you have time, you should read it again..

Drop-kicked

2007-11-02T20:08:00.000-05:00

You know those times when you screw up, and you realize it almost immediately, but not soon enough to fix it or take it back?

Yeah, well, I told my director I would teach a specialty class called Ski Conditioning at 9am on Friday two weeks in a row. I was all excited and had my class planned. I picked out all the music and went over it in my head. I have been talking to people who are excited about it coming up. And Tuesday night my Yoga instructor told her class it was coming up in two weeks.

Hooray! It's just a week and a half away!

This morning I got a call at 9:15 about this Ski Conditioning class I was supposed to teach. "Oh, no that's on November sec.... ond... That's today. OMG I'm going to be fired."

In all honesty I then remembered all the other things I didn't do during this week of my life that has apparently slipped into a black hole. I forgot to pay my credit card bill. And my car payment. And my gas bill. And my car insurance. So I did quite literally lose track of an entire week, but WTF?!

I immediately emailed my director apologizing and begging her not to fire me. Which is the immediate response to a "no call, no show" as she puts it. And then I called her and left her a message that I would really like to talk to her and I'm very sorry for screwing up.

I still haven't heard from her so my plan is to go to her class in the morning and try to talk to her in person. I know I'm going to cry and I hate that it was such a stupid thing and now I probably can't teach anymore.

It's so much worse than just missing a meeting at my "real" job. Because people showed up for this class and I wasn't there. I completely dropped the ball. Actually, it's like I drop kicked the ball into my director's face. I feel so guilty and disappointed in myself.

And waiting all day wondering whether I'm going to be fired is not the most fun I've had this week either.

Update: So the outcome this morning is not quite so bleak. I went and talked to my director and she said it was alright because it was a mistake. Phew... I should go to the casinos tonight.. I'm feeling lucky.

Stuck

2007-10-31T00:14:00.000-05:00

I have been feeling really grumpy lately, I have no idea why. I walk around trying to be positive but can't quite snap out of the funk.

I have fun things coming up.

I'm going sailing in San Francisco. I just got the foul weather gear I ordered. I have to send the jacket back for a smaller size, but the boots and bibs seem to fit well.

I'm going to Seattle in a couple of weeks for training. I'll be there for nine days so I should have plenty of time to do touristy things and relax a little.

My parents and my sister are coming for Thanksgiving.

Really, though, I just want to sleep all day.

Then it hit me...

2007-10-23T12:18:00.001-05:00

One of the hazards of moving frequently is you acquire a lot of stuff. In some cases that’s not so terribly much stuff. In others it’s completely ridiculous. I fall somewhere in the middle, probably a little more excessive than your average bear. But one of the cool things is going through your old stuff and being reminded of some really awesome memories.

I moved for the first time in the 8th grade. And then about the time I got settled, we moved again back to almost the same town we had left two years earlier. I say almost because we couldn’t find a house in our old school district. This meant going to a new school, which to a 15 year old pretty much means new everything. My sister and I would very occasionally see old friends (she more than me) but we may as well have moved a world away. Needless to say, it completely broke my heart. But I really believe it has made me a stronger, more well-rounded person. Something, something, something.. cliché?

H’enyway. Today while going through old letters written from various friends left behind, I realized two things. One, I had some kick-ass friends. And two, I can be one bitter chick. I say this because typically I would categorize myself as the “screw reunions, I have zero desire to see people from high school” chick. Yes, I know, somebody give that girl an F-ing *insert antidepressant here* and shut her up. But in all honesty I think I would really like to see some of the people I went to school with. Not everyone, mind you, but there are more people than I realized that I would really love to get to know. Sometimes I just need to be reminded.

This is ironic (or possibly just strangely coincidental depending on your degree of leniency in interpreting definitions) because last week I wrote about not caring, which of course probably means I do care. And also due to recent events:

A couple of weeks ago at my cousin’s wedding I ran into a girl I was pretty close to in high school number one, but lost track of after I moved away. She later became my cousin’s college roommate and in the few moments I spoke to her as the ceremony was about to begin and I noticed she had a huge rock on her finger. I didn’t see her after the ceremony and was completely distressed. Apparently she got married and moved to West Virginia with her husband. (BTW, woah, my friends have husbands.) I’m pretty confident my cousin can link us up again, but I am still fascinated at my previous resolve that I did not care and the underlying reality that I really, really do.

I also realized something. Among the items from my past are letters between myself and various girls about boyfriends and crushes, friends and gossip, among other things. I read about the things that happened as though I’m hearing them for the first time. I have little or no recollection of most of it. And what I do remember is vague and disjointed. It’s like things that were once heartbreaking and life-altering are now almost endearing or so fleeting as to be incidental. Once again time has lovingly, mercifully and even gracefully removed the pain and left only happiness and great memories that could only be heartbreaking because they’re so sentimental. I’m a huge sap.

I guess it’s been more than ten years since most of this stuff happened. Long enough to forgive and forget. But not so long that I don’t remember some of the crazy details. I remember the black and white polka dot bikini I wore to a friend’s pool party in the 8th grade just before I moved. I remember agonizing about it and wondering if it looked okay. I think maybe the heightened emotions of the impending move made me pay more attention. Soak it all in. Absorb every drop before it was all gone forever. Kind of breaks my heart all over again to dig up those feelings, but in a good way. A sort of rich, connected, real kind of way. Like pealing back the deep green moss and finding the rich, black earth beneath. Vivid colors, deep thoughts, and wells of emotion. All good things.

Certifiable

2007-10-16T12:15:00.000-05:00

You know how you glorify things in your mind? Imagining even the most mindless or difficult things to be worthwhile and even enjoyable later on? And looking back at the terrible experiences as “not so bad”? Maybe it’s some kind of self preservation to mercifully delude ourselves into smoothing over the pain or minimizing the trials we have faced. My mom said childbirth was like that. If any woman truly remembered the agony of labor there would be an awful lot of only children out there.

I believe I romanticize the future to an almost extreme degree. But I love it. I think it gives me drive and purpose. Helps me to obtain my loftiest goals despite the strain and drudgery I may have to endure to achieve them. It’s why we can work 14 hour days. Stay up all night writing papers. Go to the gym even though it’s the last damn thing we want.

When I think about getting my masters degree I’m like ‘ooh, I love studying and staying up all night’. It sounds all fun and exciting. Though the reality is you get little or no sleep, have to study more than anyone will really admit to, and then you’re seriously in debt and spend the rest of your life paying it off. Doesn’t that sound fun?!

Whoever said a little delusion wasn’t healthy?

Speaking of vicious animals..

2007-09-27T00:27:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I got home and was sort of wandering around doing random chores in the house when I saw this round spot in the middle of my bed about 8 inches across.

What the..

Nothing on the ceiling so I know the roof's not leaking. I don't think I spilled anything there.. I bend down to smell in and it doesn't really smell like anything. I pull back the down comforter, bled through. Blanket, sheet, mattress pad, all the same. But the mattress wasn't wet.

Damn dog!!!!

I don't have a dog. But my next door neighbor does. Remember feroucious? I was furious. Not at anyone, but my bed was peed on!!!! Not like a little. The dog let it all go right in the middle of my nice white bed!

I immediately pulled all of the blankets off and went into my neighbor's house to ask Anna butt-head if she did it. Her cowering confirmed my suspicians. No big deal, I washed out all the blankets and febreezed everything. Good as new. But still! My neighbor said they had been in the house for about a minute while she got ice out of my freezer. That dog was on a MISSION.

The thing that gets me though is I'm super nice to this animal. I mean I hold her all the time and love her and feed her and walk her. WTF?! Sigh..

S'okay, tomorrow's a new day.

Then, last week my neighbor got a kitty. She's this really sweet little thing that they found near the healthfood store with six kittens. My neighbor being all big-hearted and stuff knew the mama would need a home so she adopter her after the kittens were all claimed. Now she lives next door with Anna butt-head. Which is good because the dog gets bored and now she has a buddy.

H'enyway. Last week my neighbor wasn't going to be home until late so I let the animals out and fed them and all that jazz. A couple hours later I was doing things around the house and let the animals run around inside. Let me clarify, I am the super-intelligent human who let the animals run around in my house. This becomes important later.

But this time, I was smart. Ha! I closed my bedroom door so no little animals could soil my bed. Anna butt-head was running laps around the living room and the cat was just poking around checking things out. But then, I heard the kitty getting into things. Something in the closet of the spare room fell over. I walked in and she's just climbing around on my outdoor gear, no big deal. Then she hops up on the futon, which is my spare bed, and pees. Right there in front of me. Empties her little bladder on the bed while I watch in horror.

WHAT?!

I picked her up by the scruff of her neck and slapped her across the butt, proceeded to carry her outside and tossed her into my neighbors house. Grabbed the dog and put her back in her house as well. Then rushed to get a towel to mop up whatever I could that didn't soak into the brand new down comforter I just bought for the bed.

AAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Btw, cat urine smells really, really bad. Nothing like puppies who don't seem to smell at all. And this cat must have been plotting this all day because there is no way she had any less than half a liter of liquid in her bladder. But it was nobody's fault but my own. I'm the one that let her wander around my house.

Fortunately I got everything washed and all is well. But now I have to wonder WTF is going on in animal world that me and/or my house make animals want to pee in my bed! I feel like it's some bad karma coming around to bite me in the butt. But I am really nice to these animals. Obviously not nice enough.

New rule, no animals in the house.

Weather and Memories

2007-09-26T00:34:00.000-05:00

It's hard to imagine anything being out of place when you get to see things like this. Somewhere above the continental U.S. a thunderstorm was forming at 30,000 feet while I flew back from Boston last month. I couldn't catch the lightening on film, but the clouds building into a fervor were simply breathtaking. I love weather. Clouds, rain, storms, snow, wind, waves.

I have this vivid memory of sitting outside on the back porch of my house with my baby sitter and little sister, I must have been about 8. We were watching the rain pour down in buckets and the thunder and lightening threaten to shake the house free of the ground. The strange thing is I remember that we were eating green olives out of the jar. To this day I love green olives.

Those are the kinds of memories that will never disappear. I hope.

Transitions

2007-09-24T22:47:00.000-05:00

It's definitely not summer anymore, and not quite winter. I love fall but it's definitely one of those in-between phases as far as activities go. And here it's a little less exciting because there is a shortage of deciduous trees that make fall so amazingly beautiful. I'm sort of at a loss. Sailing is pretty much over for the season. It's a bit cold to climb. And snowboarding is not for a solid two months. So what do I do? I mean there are activities, mountain biking, hiking, and so-fourth, but it's not quite the same.

I could take up solitaire. Or knitting! Yay! Oh wait.. I do have a lot of winter projects though. Like the thousands of photos that need to go in albums. Curtains need to be made for the still bare windows in my house. I mean I work, and go to the gym. But then what? I feel completely unfulfilled. I'm thinking therapy. Learn how to feel more fulfilled? Sounds expensive.

By the way, my heat is not working. FUN. It's supposed to be 29 degrees tonight. So that's pretty awesome. I didn't need it all summer. I go to turn it on a few days ago and nothing. Can't light the pilot light. The valve's on. I have a functioning gas stove so I know there's gas coming into the house somewhere. I hope the repair people come soon. I literally am wearing a hat to bed.

Also, I think I'm going to search for a roommate. My house feels awful empty and it could be good to have someone to split the gas bill with. Assuming someone comes to fix the stove / furnace / thing-that-looks-like-a-wood-stove-but-isn't at some point. Not to mention the possibility of a snowboarding buddy. I have a bed for my roommate to be. I got a kitchen table the other day. That's helpful if you don't want to eat sitting on the floor every night. I'm still kind of searching for a dresser for the second bedroom. But otherwise I think I'm pretty much set. I sort of dread having a roommate because there's always something bizarre about them. (Or me.) But I think it would be good for me.

So I'm looking forward, or at least trying to, hoping for positive change.

'Bout that time eh chap?

Half-hearted defenders of the Universe?

2007-09-24T02:23:00.000-05:00

Huh-uh, I don't buy it. Wouldn't work. I mean, there would be some crisis like aliens coming to annihilate the planet with weapons of unimaginable destructive potential like planetary liquefication or something and these half-hearted defenders would be like 'Uh.. well, we tried a missile, but that didn't really work. Then we asked nicely if they would leave us alone, but they just kept coming. So guess we're screwed. Sorry!'

Nice.

Sometimes I just feel like what's the point if you're not going to put your heart into it? Not anything in particular. Just anything. Everything. Work. Family. Relationships. I know I'm ridiculously type-A and can't take no for an answer. And oh, yeah, I moved to California where "mañana doesn't mean tomorrow, it just means not right now." I just feel like people are okay with mediocrity and that really gets under my skin.

What do you mean "oh well" ?!

Count to ten. Breathe..

Right.

Maybe it's that people don't feel empowered to change their reality. There was this really adorable quote in "The Wedding Date" where the dad says to the daughter who is not getting married that "women have the exact love life they want". He goes on to say that he refuses to believe her current sitch is exactly what she wants... aww.. But I thought, how true. Now I know this is completely oversimplified and doesn't take into account complex things like criminals and families and all that. But I just thought it was worth thinking over.

H'enyway. I just want you to take a second and think about it. Are you giving it your all? I mean it makes me want to say lots of words rhyming with luck and bell when I get roadblocked by people who don't seem to be putting their heart into whatever it is they're doing. But who am I to say? Maybe I'm just a psycho and can't slow the LUCK down for a second and appreciate whatever other perspectives there might be. I don't know. I do know that I'm frustrated as BELL right now though.

Good for my blood pressure I think.

Shoot for the stars

2007-09-21T13:01:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder what all the people I went to high school with are doing now. I remember what they wanted to do and where they went to college, but I wonder where they are now and if that's really where they set out to go. It's really sort of only a vague philosphical, did they end up where they wanted to be question, not an actual personal interest in the people themselves. I know that's horrible. But I have zero desire to go to any reunions. Okay, maybe a 5% desire. But it will probably never happen.

I always did a lot of thinking about where I wanted to be "when I grew up". Don't you love that phrase? When I was in high school I used to hate it when the older kids I knew would say "when I was in high school". But then when I could say things like "when I was in college" it didn't have quite the same allure. Last summer this cute little girl sat next to me on a flight from D.C. to Reno. She asked me what grade I was in. Ugh. How do you explain to an eight year old that you're not really an adult like their mom and dad, but you're not in high school or even college anymore.

My Grandma told me this story about my little sister. When she was really little they asked her how old she thought my mom was. She replied "really old, like 30". Which of course produced much laughter from all of my relatives. But 30 doesn't seem quite so old anymore. Actually not old at all...

Sigh.

But I digress. Here I am in Lake Tahoe. I always wanted to live on the West Coast, and this is pretty close. I have this pretty laid back job that pays well and has mostly encouraging promises of a future. So that's good. If the job doesn't work out I'm more than likely going back to school. I just wonder how many people feel as though they took aim and landed more or less in the place they had hoped to. I feel fortunate to be here.

A picture is worth a thousand words

2007-09-20T11:18:00.000-05:00

So I got this cute little dragon puppet. (Who doesn't need a dragon puppet, right?) And I'm sitting on the porch with my neighbor's dog who is bouncing off the walls because nobody has been home all day. She's at the pinnacle of her OMG YOU'RE FINALLY HOME! routine when she spots the puppet.

WOW! A TOY, A TOY! THANKS! I LOVE TOYS! (As she proceeds to run around, toy in mouth strutting her proverbial stuff.)

She loves the thing. I think it's mostly because you can put your hand inside and then it much more closely resembles some kind of poor, helpless animal. I mean she's completely vicious right?

So I guess now Anna Claire has a dragon puppet.

Self Portrait

2007-09-18T11:49:00.001-05:00

No glam really. But I would say a fairly good depiction of me. I don't know, it just seems like there's always a simple mirror selfy on the big time blogger sites so I thought I'd play along. Not that I'm big time or anything. Whatever... Tada!

I've had my Kodak Digital Rebel for about 2 years now. I really dig the fixed focal length lens and the pictures I've managed to snap here and there. My friends think I'm trying to catch absolutely every moment of their lives on film. But really I'm just trying to become a better photographer. (I know you hate it when I take your picture. But look at all the great pictures!!)

I promised myself I wouldn't get another lens until I got to know this one. SoI think it may be about time. Hooray! I want a zoom next. Just have to find the right one. And there are never a shortage of cool toys competing for my paycheck. Must prioritize...

Snow Cross

2007-09-18T11:24:00.000-05:00

It's supposed to snow on Thursday. Probably only a dusting, and probably only in the higher elevations, but I am not going to be picky. Tahoe is absolutely beautiful when it snows. Even just bits of snow on the mountains make it feel so much more welcoming. It took me a long time to get used to the exposed rock all around the basin, and even moreso without the snow, so I'm excited for its return.

This is an image from tahoewindjammers.com that shows Mt. Tallac in the background. Focus on the top of the mast of the boat on the right. Just above and to the left is the snow cross. It leans slightly to the right but you can make it out. The snowfall last winter was so light that the last bit of snow on the "snow cross" on Mt. Tallac melted in late August.

I took this one of Mt. Tallac in February this year. If you compare the two you can almost make out where the cross is. There are years when the snow cross stays throughout the year. The Washoe Indians that originally lived in the Tahoe area have legends that say when the snow cross melts, the tribe would go to war with neighboring tribes. This may or may not be historically accurate but would make sense given the lack of precipitation during those years.

There are many places in Tahoe where you can hike and ski back country but Mt. Tallac is one of the most popular. Only the early bird gets the fresh untracked powder because it's so accessible and not necessarily a brush with death to attempt. There's a North-facing bowl at the top that catches great powder. But the more serious thrill-seakers dive off the cross. Apparently you can ski or ride all the way down to your car. I'm thinking the hike up 4,000 feet would be tough, but that has to be part of the allure.

Let it snow...

Monterey

2007-09-11T16:41:00.000-05:00

This April, just after I moved to California, my friend LTall was in Monterey for business. It was about a 4 hour drive so I decided to go visit her. Monterey is way beautiful. And LTall is way cool. We couldn't have had more fun or spent better quality time together. I miss you girl. I hope you're doing well. MUAH!

Remember sitting on the beach watching the boys row and listening to the sea lions bark?

Also, this picture really isn't black and white. It's really just that muted. And the picture I'm not posting? From the happy hour.. do you still have that one?

Ice Cream Makes Everything Better

2007-09-07T00:00:00.000-05:00

This week has been the worst week I've had since moving to Tahoe. The worst. Hands down. But stress in this environment is transient and life has a way of smoothing out the bumps. My boss, probably feeling at least as much stress as I am if not more, randomly decided we should get milkshakes and drive up to Emerald Bay, one of the best views on the lake. I didn't really expect it to help but I felt 100% better. Fearing for my life as he kind of absent mindedly swerves around the switchbacks overhanging several hundred feet of cliff while making offhanded comments about getting low on brake fluid kind of puts things in perspective. Just what the doctor ordered. Ice cream makes everything better.

Great Falls

2007-08-09T16:54:00.000-05:00

You know how things seem way more romantic in pictures? And somehow you see pictures of places you go all the time and you wonder why you never noticed the beauty before? There’s this climbing area just outside of D.C. at Great Falls on the Virginia side. You can climb all down the river literally hanging above the water.

It’s really nice because it’s usually in the shade and most of the approaches are only about 10 minute walks. Also, if you’re nice to the ranger he’ll let you park in the “climbing lot” which is a lot closer to the climbing areas.

I was looking through my pics the other day and realized that some of the pictures from Great Falls came out really well. Not that I'm the best photographer but it almost seems like it’s not the same place. It’s just interesting to me how it can seem so different.

Kitty!!!

2007-08-06T17:14:00.000-05:00

I came out the other morning to a driveway full of garbage. Doh! The neighbor’s garbage had been ransacked too. Don’t you just love it when the asparagus you tossed last week is now a gooey green liquid?! Yeah.. Good times.

I thought maybe it was a bear because my neighbor said she heard grunting one night. The next week we found a different neighbor’s trash all down the road. But then the other morning I saw something wandering around outside. Wow.. that’s a big cat. No, wait.. that’s a raccoon. A big raccoon. I guess you’d be big too if you were as well fed as this guy.

We have lovingly dubbed our trash fiend “Nermal”. The image is a bit fuzzy but you can make him out.

No hats and no cell phones

2007-08-02T20:15:00.000-05:00

The first thing I did when I got here was get online and buy season passes to the local ski resorts. The second thing I did was get online and try to find my way on a sailboat for the summer. I signed up on a crew list for the Windjammer Yacht Club. It was local and free so I figured, why not? A couple of weeks later I got an email from the very experienced captain of a 26 foot J-80. (I say experienced because he directed me to read about one of his recent experiences at sea.) Since then, every Wednesday night is the Beer Can race and just about every weekend is some kind of mid or long-distance regatta. This is a picture of us in the Southern Crossing in late June. Yes, that's snow on the mountains in the background. Very cool.

Courtesy of a phone call from the captain of the J-80, this weekend I'm going to San Francisco to be on the Race Committee for the Aldo Alessio. I really don't know much about it except that it's going to increase my chances of getting a berth on the race committee at the Big Boat Series in September. This is important because both races are run out of the St. Francis Yacht Club and I would like nothing more than to secure a crew berth on the foredeck of a boat for the mid-winter races in the bay this year. What better place to meet someone with a boat and in need of crew than the St. Francis Yacht Club?

I am so excited I am shaking and so nervous my heart is very nearly pounding out of my chest. Apparently this Yacht Club fits all the stereotypes. I started to get nervous when the J-80 captain started briefing me on the Yacht Club rules of etiquette. I never really thought of myself as the Yacht Club type, but this could be really f-ing cool. I leave tomorrow morning around 3am to get to the bay in time. I hope to return with many pictures.

Second Hand

2007-07-27T13:08:00.000-05:00

I’ve always been a Thrift Store shopper, but lately it’s become an obsession. There are so many thrift stores here. The first time I went a got this cute little wooden bowl for salads and things like that for $5. Then one time I went and found the perfect cowgirl hat for $2. (I wear it a lot.) And I get a lot of clothes there. It’s amazing how much life $10 at the Thrift Store will put back into your wardrobe. Then I found the perfect cupboard for my kitchen, $35. And a really nice mirror for the wall, $35. And then this painting for this other wall for $9. And some tablespoons because all I had were the little teaspoon ones. And this really awesome carafe for water. I mean seriously, the list goes on and on.

Of course my house is now more like a home that someone with half a sense of style might live in and less like the blank-walled, bike in the kitchen, bunk bed (just kidding) house of a post-college pre-adult individual. So that’s a good thing. But now I have to curb my enthusiasm for slightly used items and get down to just enjoying the things I already have. Otherwise before you know it I’ll have to take a bunch of stuff to the thrift store because I bought too many things I didn’t need. I’m all about donating, but I need to stop buying!

My furniture, wardrobe, dishes, and silverware are probably quite honestly 90% second-hand. And when I tell people that they flat out don’t believe me. I think it’s great. The only thing I don’t buy at thrift stores are things like underwear, climbing gear (not like they have any of that stuff), electronics, and usually shoes although I did buy a great pair of Birkenstock’s the other day. There may just be no hope…

Armed and Dangerous

2007-07-18T12:40:00.000-05:00

Today my boss asked me how to spell “culprit” for an email he was writing. It kind of makes you wonder what exactly he needs to say that culprit seemed a fitting noun.

I suppose if he didn’t want to say culprit he could have said offender, criminal, guilty party, perpetrator, wrongdoer. See what I mean? Just not your standard business language.

Baby Sisters

2007-07-15T14:34:00.000-05:00

My baby sister is on an air craft carrier somewhere between here and the Middle East. This is somewhat distressing because, well, the Middle East is pretty much perpetually in turmoil. It is also somewhat puzzling because my baby sister, who really isn't a baby anymore, was the last person any of us expected to join the military. We are all indescribably proud of her and happy that she's seeing the World and experiencing something so amazing that most of us can't even imagine it. But I am still always reminded that she is still my drama queen baby sister and even though she is very far from home, she is still happy and bubbly and very much herself. I love this about her.

And almost as if I had forgotten how my little sister is, today I got an email from her telling me about all the great places she visits, the crazy things that happen on the ship, and details from home that even I haven't heard yet. And at the end, a post script.

P.S. I could die any day and you NEVER write me!!!!!! :(

You gotta love baby sisters.

It’s funny

2007-07-12T18:56:00.000-05:00

the things that have value here. I remember living in D.C. and the things that made me feel like I belonged, as though I had “made it”. A suit, heals, my cell phone, a latte from Starbucks. Here? It’s important to have a good pair of hiking boots, a nice wide-brimmed hat, and four wheel drive. I’ve used my rope and my camelback more often since moving here than my perfume.

Today I was cleaning out my sea bag after a Wednesday night sailboat race and I was putting my sailing shoes under the end of my bed where all my shoes go. I had to shove my “going out heals” aside for about the hundredth time, and it occurred to me how useless heals are here. I doubt I would be gawked at in one of the casinos where every other girl there is wearing a formal gown and stilettos. But I’d fit in just as well in jeans and flip flops and be a damn sight more comfortable.

I just love that the things that have value here are so different. Function over form. I think I just fit in better.

I miss the rain.

2007-05-30T18:40:00.000-05:00

I love rain. L-O-V-E. I grew up in upstate New York which apparently has the same number of overcast days as Seattle. If you’ve ever been upstate you know what I mean. Apparently some of the highest college suicide rates. But I think the rain is wonderful. It makes me feel at home.

It’s always sunny here. Always! It’s almost depressing. (I think I’m wired funny or something.) Tahoe is beautiful, I shouldn’t complain. I just wish we could have the occasional rainy day.. I have a raincoat. And boots. I would be all set!

I love waking up to the sound of rain. Napping in the rain. Mountain biking in the rain. (I like mud a lot.) But then maybe the lake wouldn’t be so blue.. hmm..

This is why I can’t live in Tahoe forever. You have to have a goal right?

This is what I miss about D.C.

2007-05-18T00:37:00.000-05:00

It's like watching paint dry

2007-05-17T00:30:00.000-05:00

So I always said I wanted to be single. Good for my character I thought. With my parents it was almost an unspoken expectation. My Mom worked in Saudi for a year in her twenties. My Dad was drafted and then worked as an iron worker all over the West for a few years. That's a big part of why I moved out here. I wanted to spend a little time on my own. I didn't really anticipate being single. I had visions of nurturing this great relationship I was in. Heh..

But anyway, here I am. And I suppose it's not so bad. But give it time. Maybe it will suck more tomorrow. Maybe it will suck less. YOU NEVER KNOW. I keep myself mostly busy. I found a great mountain biking trail just up the road. Yesterday I rode as hard as I could until I felt like I might puke. Then I'd stop and suck wind for a minute. Then climb back on my bike and do it again. I was actually kind of glad nobody was there to see me in such pitiful shape. I almost got attacked by a dog too. Poor thing had the saddest bark you ever heard. Sounded more like a pitiful moaning. I think he really wanted to come play but felt torn between what he was supposed to do and fun. Poor guy.

I want a dog so bad. But I'd have to move because my apartment doesn't allow pets. I want an adult dog. My theory is if I walk into a shelter or the humane society that my dog will find me. Perfect! Everybody should get to choose their family don't you think?

Oh, my car died. That was fun. Gave me something to dwell on for a few hours. My boss graciously let me borrow a vehicle to get home. My car decided to die in the valley. In all fairness it waited until I had crested the pass. At least I could coast down into the valley. Rates are probably cheaper down there anyway. So now I'm sporting my boss' minivan. (Why do I get the boss with the minivan? Where are all the porche driving boss' whose second vehicle is something sweet like a jeep wrangler?) I shouldn't complain. I am really grateful to have something to drive. Seriously, a rental at $40 a day could get pricey.

I found a new restaurant down next to the expensive laundromat. The best way to describe it is a hippy joint with veggie everything and damn good too! (When you come visit me I'll take you there.) I was waiting for my clothes to wash and decided to wander a bit. Did I mention it's beautiful here?

I think the most depressing part about this single bs is it's after midnight on a Wednesday and I'm still up. I'm tired but not really interested in sleep. The house is fairly picked up. Laundry's done. Heh. Maybe tomorrow I'll clean the bathroom. Wooh! Mostly I'm just bored.

For now my theory is that being single is all about figuring out what to do with your day. Work is a no brainer, so that's 8 hours I don't have to worry about. Then there's about an hour for dinner/cleaning up. Working out is 1-2 hours. That leaves.. oh.. 3 or 4 more in between to figure out what to do with. But then there's the dreaded weekend. (Oh God, Oh God, we're all going to die.) Weekends are the worst. So much time on your hands. I ride my bike. I painted a little last weekend. I make lists of things to do. A feeble attempt to escape the boredom at some future date. I go to the gym which doesn't happen to be very busy at 9pm on a Friday in case you were wondering. And I watch movies. Lots and lots of movies.

Technical Difficulties

2007-04-23T18:37:00.001-05:00

For some reason, I can't get to Blogger from my laptop. Sweet. Anybody know somebody that wants to fix my computer? I think I'm allergic to them.

And now, a bulleted list: (I am lazy.)

Yesterday was the last day of the season at Heavenly, and there was a foot of fresh powder. A foot, I kid you not.
Kirkwood is open until next weekend so I'm not quite grounded. Not just yet.
I skipped work last Monday at my boss' request to go snowboarding. And I did. All day. Sweet.
I joined the gym finally. There's a jacuzzi in the women's locker room. I am happy.

That is all.

I have seen the light (like a DUI roadblock in the sky)

2007-04-06T23:15:00.000-05:00

I have to admit, I've been flying a little differently since I got here. Singing a bit of a different tune. I am completely and totally in love with my new home, and I've noticed a few changes in my demeanor.

I have always considered myself to be a conservative person. Yes, I do some non-conservative things, but I do them safely. Sorta. I'm typically not a risk taker or a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda girl. I rock climb but I've had to work hard to overcome my fear of heights. I snowboard but always hang back on the safe side of things. And I am definitely not an adrenaline junkie. I feel that rush and I back off. I never liked feeling out of control.

When I went to Colorado over Thanksgiving I spent a week riding the "groomers" because there wasn't really enough snow to be in the trees much. The group I was with would have much preferred the trees and OB if at all possible. I was secretly grateful to be safely on the predictable groomed trails and not deep in the "pow" dodging trees. (For the record, I think "pow" is a ridiculous slang term. I use it purely in the context of the group I was with. Aaannd maybe to make fun of them a bit. The only thing worse is calling basketball "hoop". Seriously, just say basketball. Or ball. That would do. Boys. But I digress.)

I couldn't really understand why you would want to dodge trees risking life and limb (not to mention your lift ticket) when you could cruise like mad on the nice, safe, groomed trails. But yesterday something snapped. I was about half way down the killer tree run I mentioned yesterday and I got a rush of adrenaline. And I liked it! Wow... So this is what they've been talking about. I wanted more. I spent the rest of the day and all day today seeking out every tree, every rock. And I found them. Trees, rocks, and bumps galore. Oh God I've died and gone to heaven.

Maybe it's the laid back new me. Maybe it's the town or the knowledge that the next good stretch of riding won't be until next November. I'm like a fox in a hen house. A redneck at a Nascar race. haha.. I'm as giddy as a school girl. I've never jumped before and suddenly I'm jumping at every opportunity. I've never bombed so many tree runs or mogul fields in my life! I crave speed. Sweet. But seriously, who is this new me and where did she come from?!? I was beginning to wonder if perhaps I was not as adventurous as I thought. Phew... Also, I smile a lot more. Can't imagine why... :)

Go to Heavenly, ride like Hell.

Now I know why they call it Heavenly

2007-04-05T13:17:00.000-05:00

If I could tell you what Heaven looked like, this is what I would describe.

I'm in Paradise. The views are breathtaking. The snowboarding is phenomenal. And the best part? I live here. It sort of hits me every now and then and I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. (A lot of that going on lately.) It's completely and totally overwhelming. Breathtaking, inviting, and intoxicatingly surreal. I can honestly say there is nowhere else I would rather be.

This trail is nicknamed "The Stream". There's an actual stream running underneath it. (Apparently when it gets warm people occasionally fall through.) Also, you can't really see, but up and to the left under the lift there's a killer tree run that I am determined to master. I kicked it's butt yesterday but I am going to do it better tomorrow. Hopefully more pictures to come...

There is only one thing missing. I wish my friends were here to share this with me. I never thought I would miss everyone this much. I just hope they'll all come to their senses and get the hell out here! At least for a visit. I miss you all terribly and I can't wait to see you again. Muah!

There and back again

2007-03-29T22:46:00.000-05:00

To all of you I don't get to update regularly but miss dearly..

Tuesday - Got off to a late start. It was 11:30 am before I finally got on the road. And made it all the way to... wait for it... Frederick before having to stop. Wow. Just didn't get anywhere near enough sleep in the past week. Pushed hard though and finally pulled into my grandparents 14 hours later. Phew. At least I have a day off from driving now. The truck and trailer really aren't as bad as I'd feared. Just can't cut corners and people are surprisingly considerate. Well, most people.

Wednesday - I spent the day with my grandparents and a few aunts, uncles and cousins visiting and napping. I really miss being able to see them on a regular basis. It's kind of sad now that a lot of us are "growing up". We used to automatically see each other on holidays but it's becoming more frequent to go a couple of years without catching up. How sad.. Also, my Grandfather was truly sincere when he said "Your mother knows what it's like now to have all of her children moving far away. Serves her right!" I don't think he ever quite got over her going out on her own.

Thursday - I made it past Oklahoma City, my goal for the second day of the drive. I'm in a fairly nice Super 8 for the bargain price of $56. Woo hoo!! My only goal for this evening is a shower and sleep! It rained very hard on and off throughout the day but I didn't see any of the tornados I kept hearing about. I did see the St. Louis Arch and managed a very grainy picture with my camera phone. Next stop, Flagstaff. It's funny how poor my geography (geology?? - haha..just kidding) is once you get West of the Mississippi. Sad but true. I completely forgot I would be driving through Illinois and this is the second time I've taken this particular route.. Yes, laugh, but at least I know which state the Grand Canyon is in! (You had to look it up didn't you?)

The fastest way to a girl's heart..

2007-03-06T15:51:00.001-05:00

..is to buy her snowshoes.

I heard Tahoe got 7 ft of snow last week! And now I believe I am fully prepared.

Look at the claws!! Aren't they pretty?

My five minutes are up

2007-02-27T16:29:00.000-05:00

In recent months I have been struggling with a certain person in my life. One who seemed intent on pushing me down for the sake of their own reputation. I knew this someone would be a problem yet I climbed aboard anyway with a big heart and loving attitude in the name of a challenge and new experiences. It went alright for a while, but slowly deteriorated into what we all feared. And before I knew it, I had spent countless hours of my own time to help the cause yet was attacked at every fork in the road.

In every instance I chose to be the better person. I took the higher road. I fought the good fight. And one day, I decided it wasn't worth it. I walked away. But still the effects bog me down. I feel angry when I should feel accomplishment. I am cynical where I ought to be excited. And worst of all, I fear that my next challenge will be tainted with the bitter taste in my mouth.

And then as if on cue, I got a little message from D.H. Lawrence. I was watching G.I. Jane and that quote used by the Master Chief on day one of SEAL training struck a chord in me.

I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough Without ever having felt sorry for itself. ~ D.H. Lawrence

In reading a bit more about D.H. Lawrence on wiki, I am pleasantly surprised that his works were characterized by issues relating to emotional health and vitality, and the dehumanizing effects of modernity and industrialization. How fitting.

I've been one pitiful creature the last few months, and I have no one to blame but myself. All this, "poor me" and "it's so unfair" nonsense. I talked about how the situation sucked and it was a good learning experience. I tried to look at it as a lesson and think of how lucky I was to have learned it in a supportive and positive environment. But it kept haunting my like a bad scary movie. I had been struggling to find a way to shake all the negativity. Some things worked, but only temporarily. So perhaps this will be the straw that broke the camel's back. No more pity party, it's time for me to get over it.

It's like the crying rule. You get five minutes. Five long minutes to cry and moan, complain and whine, but after the five minutes are up. It's done. Over. No more pity party. Just deal with it and move on.

Because I need the reminder

2007-02-15T14:18:00.000-05:00

One final paragraph of advice: do not burn yourselves out. Be as I am - a reluctant enthusiast....a part-time crusader, a half-hearted fanatic. Save the other half of yourselves and your lives for pleasure and adventure. It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it’s still here. So get out there and hunt and fish and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, climb the mountains, bag the peaks, run the rivers, breathe deep of that yet sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for a while and contemplate the precious stillness, the lovely, mysterious, and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to the body, the body active and alive, and I promise you this much; I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those desk-bound men and women with their hearts in a safe deposit box, and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this; You will outlive the bastards.

~Edward Abbey

Right now less is more

2007-02-15T10:58:00.000-05:00

I was thinking that maybe what I need right now is less. Less responsibility. Less stress. Less clutter. I keep applying for these jobs that would step me up the proverbial ladder a rung or two and I'm not entirely sure that's what I want. I kind of want to just chill out for a while. Get rid of this burned out feeling I can't seem to shake. I am already starting to feel the dread of more responsibility creaping into my heart and I haven't even quit my job yet!

I bought three books the other day. One on .Net, one on the ADO.net framework, and one on project management. So what is it I think I'm going to do work all day, study in the evening, and then what? Say I learn .Net and everything there is to know about project management. Do I want to be a .Net developer? Do I want to be a project manager? I'm growing increasingly
envious of my friends who leave work and play video games all evening while I go to the gym and train clients for four hours.

But there was a reason I got that second job. I needed the experience so I could get away from sitting at a desk all day and more into doing something fun like training. And I like training, but I don't know if I want to do it all day. But it would be a lot less responsibility and a lot less stress.

For the past few months I have been looking at the world through thick cynical glasses. It's like a bad dream and I can't seem to focus on anything good. May as well ditch the glasses and fumble around in the dark. It takes very little to push me over the edge. Short fuse, big bomb. I want to live on the other side of the spectrum. I want to be a ski bum. At the end of the day, nothing matters but the powder and soothing sore legs. No worries..

BASKET CASE

2007-02-13T00:15:00.000-05:00

I wouldn't consider myself stingy. I'm usually a bit frivolous, actually. I remember feeling really embarrassed once because I hesitated to spring for a deck of cards. I was with a bunch of upperclassmen on a ski team trip in college and they all were all a bit miffed by my second thought about a $2 deck. Since then I've sort of made it a point to not let money really matter in situations like that. Now I'm like a kid who just got her allowance; money kind of burns a hole in my pocket. But with the move getting so close I've been singing a different tune.

Today I wouldn't go grocery shopping because I didn't have my shopper's club cardwith me. Normally I would have walked in anyway, but the prospect of spending approximately $7 more than I had to was too much. I'm so terrified about the move and anxious about not having enough money, it's really changed my whole outlook.

On one hand, this is good. At least my "urban survival" skills are kicking in. But on the other hand it's kind of stressful. I wish I just didn't have to worry about it. Soon enough I suppose.

Seriously, though, I'm stressed. I have dreams about crazy things happening. I'm terrified of anything and everything going wrong. I can reason with myself from now until the end of time but it really doesn't do much for my obsessive need to know what "the plan" is. And it's kind of hard to know the plan when I'm still not sure where I'm working.

I'll be so happy when I can just sit back in my couch, look out my window at Lake Tahoe, and finally know that I accomplished my goal. Until then, I'm strongly considering prozac. Or Vallium. Mmm.. Vallium!

So here's my theory.

2007-02-09T08:39:00.000-05:00

I have this space in my head for thoughts. Sort of just a holding area where they go after I've thought them up. And when the space gets full, they all come rushing out in a flood as though the dam has just broken. Solid scientific theory, wouldn't you say?

It's weird. Sometimes I'll go for weeks without a single good thing to write. Other times I'll write five or six good things in a day. (Yes, I know good is relative.) I don't understand why it's not more consistent. I suppose like everything it cycles like a pendulum, back and forth between extremes.

But how am I supposed to have a career as a profitable writer if I can't have a decent thought for a week? That and the fact that my grammar, spelling, and punctuation are total shit. This is seriously cramping my style, you know? Ah well. I suppose I'll have to make the best of it.

Google-Fu

2007-02-08T12:12:00.000-05:00

I was sitting on the floor of my room the other night making inappropriate comments in a birthday card about the shape of the squid on the cover, and it struck me that I didn't know how to spell phallic. I wasn't sure if it started with an 'f' or a 'ph' and are there two l's?

Since my computer has been slow and not wanting to load Internet Explorer lately, I was in a bit of a bind. I checked around for a dictionary but to no avail. WTF?!? I've become so dependent on the Internet that I can't even SPELL without it!!

What to do.. what to do...

After much persuasion and kind words to my cpu I was able to google it and find that it is indeed a 'ph' with two l's. Phew...

Don't you love how google is now a perfectly exceptable verb?

Update: Is it funny or sad that I wrote exceptable rather than acceptable? Lauren.. thank you for the correction. I baffle myself, but perhaps my error makes my point more clear. I am helpless without the Internet.

Absolute genius

2007-01-25T13:29:00.000-05:00

Animation 1
Animation 2

Just for today

2007-01-25T12:02:00.000-05:00

I will give thanks for my many blessings.

I will not worry.

I will not be angry.

I will do my work honestly.

I will be kind to my neighbor and every living thing.

I was in NY visiting a friend last summer and I saw this taped to the bathroom mirror. I didn't ask her if she wrote it, I probably should, but I think it's something we could all see when we look in the mirror in the morning. Make a small change just for today...

Note to self

2007-01-24T09:22:00.000-05:00

1) Breathe

I had to sub a 30 minute abs class for another instructor last week. I was excited, but nervous. It came off alright but was more disorganized than I would have liked. I know about 3 million ab exercises, but the transitions were choppy. Then following it I taught an unremarkable yoga class. I did alright, but there wasn't as much energy as I would have liked. I didn't get too down on myself, I have off weeks, but I knew I could do better.

I used to teach a sculpt class that I made up myself. But my yoga class is all pre-choreographed with music and everything. I feel more comfortable that way, more confident. My sculpt class was always popular, but it's nice when you don't have to worry about both delivery and content. If the content is set, you can work our your performance. Never thought of teaching group fitness as a performance, but that's what makes a good class...

This week I had to teach the abs class again. But this time it rocked!! I planned out what exercises I would use and put them in a well-designed format so there would be very little turning over onto your belly and then back or getting up and down. I think I did an awesome job.. Then my yoga class was right on point. It was smooth and energetic. Jammed room. I always do better with a really full class. I just feed off the energy. But anyway.. it helped me to remind myself that I can do this. I just need to take a breath and center myself.

2) Don't feel so small

Sometimes I think I get defensive when I feel small. Like Napoleon or something, out to prove that size doesn't matter. It's not size so much with me, but I still think I cop an attitude way more than I should. But if I could just find a little more confidence within myself I think things would go much smoother. Some lady last night got all worked up at me for not going fast enough on the beltway. I wasn't in her way, she was just mad at the world apparently. But I just kind of shrugged and didn't worry about it. It felt good not to feel so small and feel the need to defend myself.

3) Smile

I always get asked in stores whether I work there. And I think maybe it's because I smile at people. Yes, I smile, wipe that shocked look off your face.. I just feel sorry for people wandering aimlessly around a store obviously in need of some assistance, so I smile. And then they must assume I'm being paid to smile at them so they ask me questions. Strange stuff, but smiles really do help people.

4) Do more yoga

Yoga cures nearly anything that ails me these days. I always feel better after yoga. I wish I could take other people's classes more. I usually only have time for me own, and that's different. Good, but different. Last night though, I think I came really close to teaching my ideal class. It was fantastic. There was a ton of energy in the room. Every time I said something I could see everyone in the room respond.

During balance I asked them to "fill your lungs on all sides" and I could see everyone's chest rise together. Then in forward folds, "really release the shoulders feeling weight through the back of your neck to the crown of your head" and everyone just let go and dangled their arms to the floor. It was beautiful. During relaxation I could see everyone quite literally melting into the floor. It was awesome to see that kind of group energy and engagement. My goal in teaching yoga is to take everyone to the limits of their strength and flexibility and then relax them to the point where every pore forms a goosebump as the tension melts away.

I just wanted to remind myself what I'm really aiming for.

A slight improvement

2007-01-23T21:32:00.000-05:00

For the past few months I've been meeting with another personal trainer about once a week. We get together to work out and share training strategies and routines. Working with her has really helped my instruction and she seems to really enjoy the new ideas. One of my problems is telling people too much. They kind of overload and stop listening so I need to learn to give them small bits at a time.

Despite my improvements in training I've been in a rut lately. Not eating horribly, but not really eating well either. I don't think I've been to the grocery store in months! And I've been feeling like crap. Big surprise right? Serves me right. Training has actually cut into my own training schedule as well. I guess I work if given the opportunity where I used to take a class or lift in the past. It's strange.

This week I started making my morning shakes again. It's been great. I feel good about drinking a low fat high protein shake with lots of vitamins in it. I have energy and it tastes good. If I get food in my belly before my coffee I drink more water, I feel more energetic, and I get more things done. It's amazing what a clear head will do for you.

Enough is enough!!

2007-01-22T13:28:00.000-05:00

I am not the lethargic person I have become and this has got to stop. I am young and energetic. I am vibrant and inspired! But my behavior as of late has been in disagreement with who I am inside.

I feel drained by my desk job and the bitter people I encounter. I feel discouraged in the face of apathy. The moment I sit down at my desk I'm finished. I feel like quitting.

I think I'm ready

2007-01-19T13:40:00.000-05:00

When I first got to D.C. my life was crazy. I lived 2 hours from work in a tiny little apartment with three other people. I had to leave the house crazy early to beat the traffic only to find myself with two hours to kill. It didn't take long before I got a gym membership to fill the space. (Amazingly, what started as a way to pass the time has turned into a side career as a personal trainer and group fitness instructor. Crazy how that works.)

I remember running on the treadmill or climbing endlessly on the stair climber while watching the sun come up. It was encouraging to know I was up doing something with myself before the sun came up, but also depressing because I was up doing something with myself before the sun came up. (Who does that?)

Living that far from work was draining to say the least. I thought I was being an adult, getting a job, making the necessary sacrifices for a better life. I felt successful, depsite the fact that it sucked. I tore through books that year. Two hours on the train gives you a lot of time to read. I caught up with people on the phone in the car while I drove home from the train station. But I was still commuting four hours a day.

The first six months of my first "real" job were heinous. I was one miserable girl. I was doing excrutiatingly boring work for good money and great benefits a long way from home. Bad combination. The commute, the boredom, and the tight living arrangements were enough to drive me insane. But the promise of my career kept me going. Fortunately the work slowly got better and I finally moved a lot closer to work and got a much bigger house with three amazing girls who would later become my best friends.

I have to make fun of myself for molding so predictably to my new environment. I started wearing heals to work. I still get lattes from Starbucks every morning. I learned to play the part of a city girl. I was doing well.

Despite the improvements, I told myself each year would be my last. I used to put reminders in my Outlook calendar to ask myself "Why the hell are you still here?" at periodic intervals. So depressing. But I stayed, and got promoted, and worked harder, and learned more. All the while dreaming and having fun, meeting amazing people, living and experiencing life.

Don't misunderstand. This has been an amazing experience. The initial six months of learning and doing the "grunt work" on the job were to be expected. It's a great job. I've learned more than I ever thought possible and gained some invaluable experience. And it's D.C. So much to do, so many amazing people. I was fortunate to have a place to live when I first got here. And I'm grateful to have people who cared about me within reach. I grew to love the city.

It's been three years now, short by most standards. But my pre-D.C. life seems like ages ago. I think I've grown up a lot. I've definitely learned a lot and grown as a person. So of course despite my desires, the thought of leaving was bitter sweet. There are so many things here that I haven't experienced. So many places to go and restaurants to try. So much history. So many trails I haven't hiked and streams to be explored. So many people I haven't spent enough time with.

But I've also lost touch with some things along the way. Parts of myself that I'm not ready to let go of. And I want them back. I've stopped dreaming about the present. My dreams are all about the future. I've become much less generous and more unforgiving. I'm less trustful and more skeptical. I miss the kinder, gentler, freer version of myself. I barely even write anymore. I kind of drone through the work week and dread the coming of another Monday. Not ideal.

So the "bitter" in bitter-sweet has definitely faded. But the true turning point was very recent. Until then amidst all the plans to get the hell out of dodge I was sad. The mood was somber.

The other night I walked out of the gym after teaching an unremarkable yoga class. (The same gym where I got my first membership.) I looked at the skyline where I used to watch the sun rise each morning. The same skyline but for a few more high rises, and I realized I was ready to go. No longer am I sad for what I'm leaving behind. I'm ready a slower pace. Less traffic. More trees. I want my dreams back. My hopefullness back. I want to live in the moment.

It sounds like I'm retiring. But hopefully I'm just growing up. Or at least becoming much more myself. The self I know I can be. I'm going to miss everyone dearly, but I can't wait to go.

I'm glad I'm finally ready.

A twist on the ordinary

2007-01-19T11:51:00.000-05:00

I'm not pessimistic, but not really optimistic either.

No, you're the one who says "Who the F*@# took the other half of my water?!?"

I about fell of my chair laughing. Totally something I would say. That's what you love about me... aggressive and cynical as hell..

There will always be speedbumps

2007-01-11T15:29:00.000-05:00

The trick is to get a little air off them as you hit them...

It has been a trying year, I must say. But I'm still here and I am a stronger more well-rounded person for it. I just wanted to say thank you to all of my friends who keep me sane when I really just want to jump off a bridge or not get out of bed in the morning.

You guys rock!

To better times ahead...

2007-01-05T09:29:00.000-05:00

This year I want to take a moment to appreciate what I have achieved and make a resolution not to let my accomplishments fade. I want to integrate the growth and experiences of this past year into the person I am becoming. I want to weave the lessons I've learned and the moments that have touched me into the very fabric of my being.

Life brings new things each day, and the best resolution I can think to make is to take it with me.

At this time next year I hope I can look back on the things I am proud of today and smile because they are still very much a part of me. I want to build a better me by slowly filing away at my rough edges and polishing up the smooth ones.

This year I want to still be willing and able to drive all day for any occasion no matter how small. A party. A friend's birthday. Or maybe just because I have an extra day and wouldn't it be fun to go?!

This year I want to listen more to myself. It seems I'm always playing the role of my own personal life coach. My one-woman cheer section. My therapist, my planner, my own best friend. (Not to discredit all of my friends, because they are wonderful. I could not be me without them.) But in not listening to my own advice I am my own worst enemy. I need to pay attention to the voice in my head. Read what I've written. Review the things I've earmarked from others work and put myself in the right frame of mind. Create my own reality and not blindly follow what I think others have set out for me as though they had me in mind.

This year I want to hold onto my faith. My faith in the future I keep working toward. My faith in other people. My faith in myself. My faith in something bigger than myself and my own little world. I am troubled because I feel it slowly slipping away. I feel jadedness and cynicism tugging at my shirt sleeves and I don't want to let them in. So I resolve to keep my head above water and keep my eyes on the horizon of a bright new day.

This year I want to connect more with my world. I want to be more accepting and less afraid. Take the good and the bad and fight my urge to turn away.

And finally, this year I just want to keep life simple. I want to sleep under the stars more. Climb a new mountain. Learn a new way to have fun. Keep in touch with my friends. Not own so much stuff. Go snowshoeing. Meditate more. Sleep more. Laugh more. Ride my bike more. Live in the moment.

Here's to an exceptional 2007. Happy New Year everyone! May you have every happiness.

Every day is a new day. Namaste.

A good judge of character

2006-12-21T11:22:00.000-05:00

You can tell what kind of person your newscaster is by how they report about the snowstorm in Denver this week. If they talk about how lucky those Colorado residents are, you know they're a winter fan and a damn good person. Or if they spin the storm negatively you know you have to find a new news station.

I really, really wish we could have some more snow this winter. It's been unseasonably warm. We had a gorgeous fall and apparently Mother Nature liked it so much she decided to extend it in lieu of Winter this year. I did see snow once (outside of Colorado). We had a miniature snowstorm that lasted a few minutes a couple of weeks ago. Nothing stuck but it made my heart ache for a real winter.

Earlier this week I was sitting on the bank of the river at the bottom of the rock I was about to climb. S2H was clinging to the rock while I belayed him up the route. It was surreal because the water was crystal clear. And the heat of the 70 degree day was funneling down through the gorge. But with the cold water there would be short bits of cold air mixed in with the warm breaze. It was an amazing day, but bitter sweet because in a perfect world on a late December day we would be wearing snowshoes.

What I wouldn't give to shovel the walkway. To battle snow drifting across the road as I drive white-knuckled to work. To bundle up in my long coat and come indoors with rosey cheeks knocking the snow from my boots. I've been flipping through pictures of Denver that people have sent in to TheDenverChannel.com and it helps a little. At least to remind myself winter isn't gone forever. It's just not here right now. And would I please leave a message for when she finally decides to return.

I can't wait to move somewhere more me-friendly. This place just doesn't fit my needs. Even the bugs in Denver are ready for winter...

What forgiveness really is

2006-12-20T09:16:00.000-05:00

My mom always told me I was unforgiving and that I needed to learn to let things go. I always knew she was right, but it still seemed that just letting things go was not a reasonable or acceptable answer. There are a lot of crappy people out there doing unkind things to each other every day and I saw no reason why I was supposed to be okay with it.

Granted and hopefully in the majority, there are also relatively normal people just trying to get by who for whatever reason do something untoward that may not have been intended that way. I have a hard time distinguishing between these two scenarios emotionally. At the end of the day it still hurts.

Regardless of the intent or character of the offending individual, the end result is the same. Something someone else did has hurt or otherwise negatively affected me and it doesn't seem fair to say "no problem," and just move on as though nothing happened. I've always sort of operated under the assumption that people just shouldn't do mean things, damn it, and if they were going to suck then F 'em. Let them suck far away from me. (Never mind that I almost certainly do mean things to others without intending to. Or maybe I do intend to and choose to ignore this ugly truth about myself.)

This has obvious implications. It makes me a runner (someone who runs from problems) and probably a coward. It makes me a poor problem solver and probably even worse at communicating. And it just sucks because I'm handing my freedom over to anyone but myself and forcing myself to change who I am or the choices I make for lack of a better way to deal with things. But most of all it makes me so damn irritated all the time.

I've recognized this as a problem for a long time but I still haven’t come up with a workable solution. I needed a plan or at least a rule to follow when I encountered a situation in which I felt walked upon or hurt by someone I couldn’t reconcile with. I try to simply ignore stupid people and their ridiculous actions that directly affect me. I constantly try to remove myself emotionally from difficult people and situations. But I think the main problem is being able to wrap my feeble little mind around the idea that people have their own issues to deal with and I am probably the least of their concerns. (See previous post about assuming the world does not revolve around me.) Just because all signs point to malicious intent or absolute and total ignorance, it doesn't mean they woke up with the intent to be mean to me today. Or even if they did, maybe they think they have a good reason and either way what the Hell can I do about it? Or maybe they're spiteful and mean and if they tear you down then by God they are a better person in comparison.

Sigh..

It seems a hopeless battle. I refuse to forgive people for being so RIDICULOUS. On a REGULAR BASIS. It's not okay with me and I'm not going to tell them it's okay because it's not!!!

I get so. Angry. Every. Day.

It is apparent to me that I have already lost years off of my life just by being so angry with people all the time. And of course I'm not perfect and have no doubt hurt other people both intentionally and not. But hopefully most of the items in the intentional category have long since been written into history.

Finally this morning I finished reading a friend's post about accountability and one paragraph in particular struck me. Maybe I'm just looking at all of this the wrong way. Forgiveness doesn't mean it’s okay. It doesn’t mean what they did is acceptable. It doesn't mean I have to tell them I forgive them and that it's alright. It doesn’t mean I have to like them or even be friendly with them in the future. It makes no promises about what I do in the next few moments, days, weeks, or years. I’m not accepting the actions of someone else as justified or in some way deserved. I am in fact arming myself against the hurt and allowing myself to move on.

What a concept. I may actually be able to introduce this new word forgiveness into my vocabulary. And I’ll file it in the often used and positive implications section.

From The Poet's Live Journal Entry from December 13:

I mean, forgiveness is great – really all it means is finding peace with something that someone else has done so that you’re no longer hurting; it has nothing to do with the other person; that’s reconciliation and is a different essay entirely because it implies the complicity of both parties – but it does you absolutely no good if it just sets you up to get bulldozed again. Luckily most of the time people bulldoze other people because they are operating in two totally different and conflicting realities (mostly for very logical, although not always very productive, reasons), not because of any maliciousness or depravity. Sometimes it’s possible to align those realities (reconciliation), but other times – one or both parties don’t want to communicate, they don’t know how to communicate… and it’s just not possible. So what do you do? You forgive and you insulate yourself from whatever behavior the other exhibits which is out of context and hurtful in your reality, with full understanding (or as full as you can get) of why they operate the way they operate and how it really has nothing to do with you.

Thanks Lauren. I owe you another one.

Self fulfilling prophecy

2006-12-18T15:06:00.000-05:00

If you work hard enough at finding fault, before long that's all you'll see. When you're waiting for an axe to fall on your head, the world around you will cease to matter. You will be so focused on the situation at hand that everything else fades out of relevance.

In the same breath, if you seek out light and beauty and positive ideas, you will find them everywhere you look. We choose our path whether destiny helps us along the way or not. And to direct your attitude is in effect taking your life by the reins.

Lasting moments

2006-12-14T16:01:00.000-05:00

I had a really great conversation with a coworker the other day. I've been fortunate enough to have a handful of opportunities to share ideas with this person. The talks always seem to be completely spontaneous and definitely enriching. I never want them to end though I usually have piles of work to be done.

We began talking about career development and how setting goals has helped him to feel satisfaction in his life. And the conversation morphed into recognizing accomplishments and taking time out to really evaluate what matters, what makes an accomplishment and what doesn't. Understanding when you are recognized for something that isn't an accomplishment and choosing to believe that credit is actually due for another achievement that went unnoticed. A sort of credit exchange program in the Universe if you will.

He also took the time to reassure me of my great achievement and to encourage me. He told me stories of how people he had trouble with in the past turned out to have a lot of appreciation for him. We talked about how the bad things fade over time and it's the positive things that really stick with you. I hope he's right.

His final parting piece of advice was to have a going-away event of some type though my inclination may be to slip quietly out the back door. A luncheon or get-together however simple is important to recognize and celebrate change. I already know I'll take his advice just because he gave it to me. I have to assume he's right.

I try to soak up every bit of advice I get from those around me. People who have experienced things and who are willing to offer me some bit of what they know.

There aren't many people I'll miss when I go, but he's one of them. There seem to be so few who are above the nonsense, but rooted well into the earth. He's always kind and gentle with seemingly endless knowledge. Always sensible and humble, inquisitive and youthful. I hope to meet more people like him.

In passing

2006-12-12T15:10:00.000-05:00

I came across an interesting collection of essays by Paul Graham that seem to address things I have been very interested in recently.

http://www.paulgraham.com/

The one that caught my attention was Do What You Love. I printed it out and have since scribbled tons of comments all over it. I love when that happens.

I've also discovered Mr. Graham has a blog. http://paulgraham.infogami.com/blog/ (Oh how I heart blogs.) And in it he has come up with a very simple, scientific way for me to approach my frustrations as of late. From his 19 April 06 entry entitled "What Drives Bloggers" I quote:

So if you want to discover things that have been overlooked till now, one really good place to look is in our blind spot: in our natural, naive belief that it's all about us. And expect to encounter ferocious opposition if you do.

Conversely, if you have to choose between two theories, prefer the one that doesn't center on you.

This principle isn't only for big ideas. It works in everyday life, too. For example, suppose you're saving a piece of cake in the fridge, and you come home one day to find your housemate has eaten it. Two possible theories:

a) Your housemate did it deliberately to upset you. He knew you were saving that piece of cake.

b) Your housemate was hungry.

I say pick b. No one knows who said "never attribute to malice what can be explained by incompetence," but it is a powerful idea. Its more general version is our answer to the Greeks:

Don't see purpose where there isn't.

Or better still, the positive version:

See randomness.

As it turns out, I have been acting in a grossly self-centered manner and it has dramatically taken away from my quality of life. This new point of view just may make my life easier. Mr. Graham, I'm so happy I found you. I believe I have decided to make you a permanent fixture in this humble space I call my blog.

A Different Christmas Poem

2006-12-11T10:29:00.000-05:00

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.

Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

According to Urban Legends Reference Pages:

Internet-circulatd copies of this poem are often attributed to a Lt. Commander Jeff Giles SC, USN, but the International War Veterans' Poetry Archive (IWVPA) lists this poem as a December 2000 effort authored by Michael Marks and includes the following note from him about its origins:

A Soldier's Christmas was the first in this series of patriotic writings, drafted on Pearl Harbor Day 2000 when in the wake of the 2000 Presidential Election our nation saw the right of US Armed Forces personnel openly questioned and debated. I felt it unconscionable that at the onset of the Christmas season, those serving to defend our nation would hear anything but our love and support. It is our challenge to stand for their rights at home while they stand for our lives and safety overseas. This poem went out and quickly spread around the world in emails, letters, magazines. I received letters from Marines in Bosnia, soldiers in Okinawa, from a submariner who xeroxed a copy for everyone on his sub. Moms wrote, dads, brothers and sisters. I have saved and cherish every letter and set out to continue writing throughout the year.

Onomatopoeia

2006-12-07T14:56:00.000-05:00

I wish I could make more sounds. I think it would distract people from my inability to articulate my thoughts and feelings. Or perhaps help them to more clearly interpret my moods. Sometimes when you say something people don't believe you. Maybe if you could sound it out for them... What says "F you" better than a good roar? Or announces happiness more clearly than a soft purr?

Some people have a lot of grr in them. Others are far too polite. Ever just feel like growling? I think if I were some kind of growling animal, I would do it a lot. I once pretty nearly barked at a girl during a soccer game in high school because she tackled me illegally. And it hurt! I mean, it wasn't really a bark. But it wasn't really a word either. I kind of just yelled at her. The other girls on the team were like "WTF just came out of you??" Yeah.. I don't know.

I also think I would purr a lot if in fact I could make that sound. I've tried. It comes out sounding something like rolling my Rs and whispering at the same time. But seriously, I think it would be awesome. And how beautifully subtle?

Anyway, I just think it would be easier. And fun. And a welcome change from the monotony of speaking.

I don't want to be a bachelorette

2006-12-04T14:27:00.000-05:00

I don't like bachelorette parties and I can't quite put my finger on what the problem is. I suppose I am of two minds on this issue.

If I were friends with a group of females (yes I know, just pretend because in reality this will only happen for fleeting moments). But anyway, if I were friends with a group of females that I liked to do things with and one of us were getting married, it would be just one more excuse for a party. "Congratulations on the choices you're making!! He's so great we're so excited for you!!" This I'm okay with.

But every coin has two sides. Being who I am and not really having a group of female friends, the bachelorette parties I've experienced are dumb. "Let's celebrate your last few days of being single." It's sort of like "well, if you insist on throwing your life away we may as well throw you one last party". Why do people do this? If you love being single so much, why don't you stay that way??

The term that comes readily to mind now to describe my attitude is Grinch. I am okay with this.

I'm not a huge fan of bachelorette parties for a few reasons.

First, bachelorette is not a word. This irritates me. Of course, it's slang and we use it as a word, but the proper term would be bacheloress. It's puzzling to me why we would not use this term instead. I find it highly preferable. Perhaps too much like heiress? We can all thank Ms. Hilton for that negative connotation. Arguably, the only reason I even know about the term bacheloress is because of Wiki. So maybe I just need to disseminate.

Hey ladies, let's use bacheloress instead of bachelorette, 'kay?

Number two reason why I hate bachelorette parties. In many cases, the goal is to get the female in question intoxicated beyond any hope of recollection. Vomiting is actually a plus. "That just means she had a good time!" I beg to differ. In my world, vomiting does not equal fun. I like to drink but why should overdoing it be the central focus of the evening??

Third. I'll just lump them all into this last category; Strippers, prostitutes, and offering your friend up as a piece of meat to give her one last whatever. Duh. I hate this idea beyond any practical description. Your friend is getting married. She does not want to make out with some random guy at the bar nor see over-oiled guys taking their clothes off. And she definitely is not dreaming of living happily ever after as man, wife and STD. Yuck.

I'm not a total stick in the mud. When I go out I like to be crazy and have fun. And I'm all for girls having a party to congratulate their friend's change of status. I just think there are ways to do it, and ways not to. I can handle the games. Pin the cucumber on the hunk is dumb, but harmless. The genitalia paraphanalia isn't so bad. It's pretty much standard these days albeit completely crude. I guess I just don't like what the tradition has come to mean. It should be a celebration of finding love. Not a test of will and confidence in one's decision or kissing one's freedom goodbye as it were.

The party I attended this past weekend had exactly none of the things that make me despise bachelorette parties. The bachelorette was pregnant, so very little booze. The venue was a comedy club, not a strip club. And the girls were all pretty good company. I was exceedingly grateful for all of this but it did nothing for my foul mood. I still felt incredibly depressed and impatient about the whole thing.

It wasn't the girls, they were sweet. The bachelorette is incredibly friendly and fun to be around. There were surprisingly few of the requisite comments about what the boys must be doing. It was just kind of a downer for my mood. I guess it was just depression by association. It's difficult to break through stereotypes and past experiences.

I'm not some kind of bitter single woman still in search of Mr. Right. Nor am I of the smuggly married variety criticizing those who have not chosen my path. I just want to appreciate my single life for the precious experience it is and also to welcome my married life for the sacred union it will be.

Call me crazy, I just want a more meaningful tradition. That or maybe I just had a huge chip on my shoulder last Saturday and I just need to snap out of it.

The Jane

2006-12-01T13:36:00.000-05:00

Everyone kept asking me "how was it?" And all I can come up with was "good, it was really good". Which is a totally lame description but I seem to have nothing more to say. It's kind of frustrating because the trip was incredible, there just aren't words to describe it. I have to try though...

My trip was completely amazing. It was everything I wanted it to be. A laid back group of people with a serious addiction to snowboarding. A challenging mountain with breathtaking views. Snowboarding to exhaustion followed by a long soak in a jacuzzi each day. Then good food and a local watering hole each night.

The nice thing about a group of guys is they can be so low key. There was the requisite teasing and jockying for big man on the mountain, but for the most part it was warm-hearted and fun. I really felt like I had nobody to impress the way it sometimes feels amidst a group of females. I just rode hard on the mountain and enjoyed the company of some really nice people at night.

Big mountain boarding is nothing like what we have on the east coast. The mountains are obviously bigger, but that's just the beginning. They have snow. Real natural snow. They have powder, something you'll rarely find in the East. And they mercifully don't often have night skiing. I say mercifully because by 4 when the lifts shut down, you are ready for a break. The crazy part about being off the mountain by 4 is getting an early start to the evening. That puts bedtime back that much earlier and being from a time zone two hours ahead, I was up by 7 or 8 and on the moutain for first run.

I have never been so sore, and never so content to sit and soak in the hot water at the end of the day.

Being so early in the season the snow wasn't the best. Not many runs open and not much fresh powder, but the little we did fine was a blast. Mary Jane/Winter Park is a must in the realm of Colorado snowboarding. I look forward to many return trips.

Thanks and best wishes are definitely owed to all that made the trip possible. I hope we can do it again soon.

Snowboarding in Colorado

2006-11-24T01:12:00.000-05:00

There's just not much more a girl could hope for...

.. except maybe the perfect guy. But I have him too. :)

Sunday mornings are the perfect time for ridiculous low budg drama movies involving half pint pop stars and off-season teen drama actors

2006-11-20T14:10:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a lay around and watch tv morning. So I flick on the tube and settle in with my coffee for some 'toons or something equally productive. I watched some Discovery show about man-eating leopards for a while, but then I got bored of seeing carcasses.

And then I found it, the gold mine, Supercross: The Movie. Oh yeah.. quality. It's a teen flick about a couple of Motocross racers breaking into the Supercross scene and making it big. There's the obligatory side-plot love stories. The main character selling out but then realizing it's not worth it and coming back to win big with the help of his brother and former rival. Half pint pop star Nick Canon. And off-season Teen drama actor Sophia Bush from One Tree Hill. Oh, and also, the chick does a back flip on her bike. Sweet.

It's not like there was nothing else on. Bourne Supremacy, Batman Begins; but I've seen them already. And I was in the no thinking, just entertain me mood.

Quote of the day? "Just watch the bike scenes and tune out the porn plot." Yes, thanks guys, excellent analysis.

The List - Part I

2006-11-13T12:21:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I was out with friends, and as with most public places the bathrooms were not up to par. I'm not the picky type, but there are certain things that just make me shake my head. For example, flushing paper towels down the toilet. How would I know the last person did this? Because paper towels don't flush down most toilets. Just a tip.

This leads me to believe the person before me was either 1) dumb, 2) highly intoxicated, or 3) ignorant. Maybe all three? Would you do that at home? Not if you know anything at all about toilets..

So I decided to come up with a list of things I think every female should know. I want to point out that I'm still working on these things myself, but that it's something we females should all strive for to become more well-rounded individuals. I realize this is a bit of a weighted list, coming from someone who's somewhat.. well, redneck? But I believe these are important things. Perhaps you all can enlighten me on some of the "must-knows" in your areas of expertise.

Things every female should know - Part I

1) How to fix a toilet. :)
You will inevitably be in a situation where a toilet is overflowing and you alone can stop it in time. Just look behind the toilet for the little valve. This shuts off the water and stops the water from rising. There's more to know, but this is a good start.

2) How to drive a manual transmission.
You don't have to own a stick, but in an emergency this could be incredibly helpful, not to mention cool.

3) How to make a rockin' martini. (or another "traditional" beverage)
Whether you drink or not you could always use this skill at a random social event when called upon. Who wants to have to say "um.. I don't know how.."

4) How to change a tire.
If you're ever stranded with a flat and a dead cell phone on the side of the road, this could be incredibly useful. If this is foreign to you, start by figuring out where the spare is and asking a neighbor or friend to show you.

5) How to start a fire.
What? No gas grill?? You never know. But also? You just might need one to keep warm someday. Matches or a lighter are totally allowed. I'm not asking that you be Chuck Norris.

6) How to change your own oil.
Living in a city not something I would do unless I had to, but it's good to know how.

7) How to properly throw a football.
No need to play an entire game of catch, but it's nice to be able to return the football to the group of guys playing in the park if it falls at your feet. Just line your fingers up between the laces and follow through.

8) How to be a suitable companion for a football/basketball game.
If you're a sports fan this one is well taken care of. But if you're not, know enough about a sport to at least watch one game. And who knows, maybe you'll like it!

9) How to tie a knot.
You don't have to have an arsenal, but one good knot could get you out of a bind if ever you really needed one. (And a bad knot can be deadly.) A bowline knot is basic and if you do it wrong you'll know it.

10) How to change a diaper.
Presumably, every female can do this instinctively, but if not...

Okay.. go!