I am not complaining

I have become accustomed that when I go to the airport, they x-ray my belongings and take away my water and any liquid or gel items I have not placed in a 1-quart size plastic bag in an effort to minimize my risk of flying. I truly appreciate their efforts and don't want them to stop and I believe that they are doing their best not to completely inconvenience me. When I go I naturally expect that I will have to remove half of my clothing, throw out my water and hope they don't decide to search me randomly. (This actually hasn't happened in a while but for a while it seemed that it was every time.)

I'm actually pretty lucky. There's a guy I know who for whatever reason was put on a list that makes TSA search and question him every time he flies. He seems pretty normal and harmless, so I can only assume he shares a name with someone who isn't quite so normal and harmless. I guess TSA told him he could send in an application and $150 and they would investigate his case. However, they do not guarantee that it will get him off the list so he has resigned himself to getting to the airport 3 or 4 hours early every time.

On my way back home after visiting for the holidays this time, though, I had a bizarre experience. I am notorious for leaving water in my bag and my liquid or gel items not in a plastic bag. (On my way back from Seattle a while ago I had a sum total of three water bottles in my carry-on luggage. Duh.) Fortunately, though, my family lives in an extremely rural airport. The kind where you can park your car at the terminal and walk your family member(s) in and they won't ticket your vehicle. I was the one and only person in line to get my boarding pass, and the one and only person in line for security. (Is it a line if you're the only one in it?) So I take off my shoes, put my laptop on the belt, coat, bag, belt. They made fun of my freaky shoes, which is funny. And then I realize I had left my water in my carryon. But the lady offered to dump my water out for me and let me keep the bottle which I thought was so nice. And she got me a bag to put my gel stuff in. How nice!!!

So I was spoiled this time. And I love that. But I also want to say thanks to all the TSA people that have to deal with the rude, the unmanageable, and the certifiable in an effort to keep us safe. So I'm not complaining, just noticing...

Inventory

It doesn't matter how many times I've done it, you'd think I would learn my lesson. But I have this horrible habit of leaving the house without everything I need and end up having to turn the car around and go back. We've all done it, but I'm convinced my frequency is at least double the national average. I actually feel fortunate when I remember in the driveway before I've actually left.

Yesterday I was in the Heavenly parking lot getting my snowboard boots on, and I realized I didn't have my pass. In the car I get, back to the house for my pass, and finally hit the snow 30 minutes later. Fortunately I live close to the mountain, but still...

Almost every morning I leave the house to go to work and have to come back inside. Keys, phone, gym clothes, gloves. It's always something. So why do I do this? I ask myself this question with far too much frequency.

Other than the fact that I'm not organized or tidy enough to always leave my keys in the same place or make sure everything has it's place so it's much easier to tell immediately if I don't have everything I need. My theory is that we all have to take inventory, mentally or otherwise. I just take mine too late. I'm in the car, heading down the road and think to myself "keys, phone, wallet, sunglasses, gym clothes for later, and I'm going to spinning so I need my... crap ,I forgot my spinning shoes." It would be much easier if I would do this mental inventory before leaving the house.

When I go on trips, I have to make a list, because when there's a plane waiting for you there is no time to go back. When I go to the gym, I hand them my keys, and they give me a locker key. Good system because you can't really get far without your car keys, so you remember to turn your locker key back in. The problem is about 33% of the time I forget my water bottle, spinning shoes, yoga mat, running shoes, or other fairly essential item in my car. So I have to go back up to the desk, ask for my keys, go to my car, and come back. It's just a short walk to my car, but you'd tink I could take a little inventory before getting out of my car, and come in with everything I need the first time.

It's not the end of the world. I just need to work on my system of making sure I have everything. Sometimes I feel a little better when my roommate comes back in the door twice to get something before leaving. At least I'm not the only one.

I am so self-concious.

I wish I could be like those girls that do whatever they want. Wear crazy clothes. Do their hair in bizarre ways. Seem to be impervious to stress and make all the guys stop and stare. But still not care about anything but fun and doing their thing..

You meet them once in a while. And you just kind of want to be them. But if you can't be them, then damnit you're gonna be their best friend. Okay, fine, you'll settle for just knowing them. Seriously strange. But a reality none-the-less.

At least for me.

Is it possible that someday I will be this girl? Or would I then just want to be someone else?

You think you know but you have no idea...

You think you know what you'll be when you grow up. Then you get to a reasonably grown-up place in your life and still have no clue what you want to be. More school sounds expensive. And so much for that 4 year degree. Maybe you should start all over, major in Human Physiology and become a doctor. Doctors seem happy.

You think you'll grow up, find a great guy, and get married. It'll be perfect! You'll sit at a coffee shop on Saturday mornings and read the paper. Chat about random acts of kindness and dream about the future. And you'll always have someone to be with.

Then someday you'll have kids. They'll be the most beautiful kids you've ever seen. Not to mention smart and athletic. And they'll adore you and you'll adore them. They'll grow up to be happy and healthy and they'll still come home on the holidays and bring their families.

Maybe it just seems like everyone else is happy and have it all figured out. Maybe they really do. Maybe they're just good at pretending. Or maybe it just wasn't meant to be. It's a nice thought though.

Like it's going out of style..

I have watched more episodes of America's Top Model in the last few weeks than anyone should ever admit to. But it's literally on all the time, episode after episode, and I get sucked in like quicksand. I would be embarrassed but I'm sort of grossly fascinated with my inability to look away. I just watched two episodes, there's one on tv right now, and another one will be on after that.

I could blame it on our cheap cable package and really not having much of a choice. But it has turned into my time to unwind after work. I suppose there's not much harm in that. Except when I can't pull myself away. I was late to yoga twice this week and got a crappy spot in the back of the room where the lights are really bright.

Great story right? If you have time, you should read it again..

Drop-kicked

You know those times when you screw up, and you realize it almost immediately, but not soon enough to fix it or take it back?

Yeah, well, I told my director I would teach a specialty class called Ski Conditioning at 9am on Friday two weeks in a row. I was all excited and had my class planned. I picked out all the music and went over it in my head. I have been talking to people who are excited about it coming up. And Tuesday night my Yoga instructor told her class it was coming up in two weeks.

Hooray! It's just a week and a half away!

This morning I got a call at 9:15 about this Ski Conditioning class I was supposed to teach. "Oh, no that's on November sec.... ond... That's today. OMG I'm going to be fired."

In all honesty I then remembered all the other things I didn't do during this week of my life that has apparently slipped into a black hole. I forgot to pay my credit card bill. And my car payment. And my gas bill. And my car insurance. So I did quite literally lose track of an entire week, but WTF?!

I immediately emailed my director apologizing and begging her not to fire me. Which is the immediate response to a "no call, no show" as she puts it. And then I called her and left her a message that I would really like to talk to her and I'm very sorry for screwing up.

I still haven't heard from her so my plan is to go to her class in the morning and try to talk to her in person. I know I'm going to cry and I hate that it was such a stupid thing and now I probably can't teach anymore.

It's so much worse than just missing a meeting at my "real" job. Because people showed up for this class and I wasn't there. I completely dropped the ball. Actually, it's like I drop kicked the ball into my director's face. I feel so guilty and disappointed in myself.

And waiting all day wondering whether I'm going to be fired is not the most fun I've had this week either.

---

Update: So the outcome this morning is not quite so bleak. I went and talked to my director and she said it was alright because it was a mistake. Phew... I should go to the casinos tonight.. I'm feeling lucky.

Stuck

I have been feeling really grumpy lately, I have no idea why. I walk around trying to be positive but can't quite snap out of the funk.

I have fun things coming up.

I'm going sailing in San Francisco. I just got the foul weather gear I ordered. I have to send the jacket back for a smaller size, but the boots and bibs seem to fit well.

I'm going to Seattle in a couple of weeks for training. I'll be there for nine days so I should have plenty of time to do touristy things and relax a little.

My parents and my sister are coming for Thanksgiving.

Really, though, I just want to sleep all day.

Then it hit me...

One of the hazards of moving frequently is you acquire a lot of stuff. In some cases that’s not so terribly much stuff. In others it’s completely ridiculous. I fall somewhere in the middle, probably a little more excessive than your average bear. But one of the cool things is going through your old stuff and being reminded of some really awesome memories.

I moved for the first time in the 8th grade. And then about the time I got settled, we moved again back to almost the same town we had left two years earlier. I say almost because we couldn’t find a house in our old school district. This meant going to a new school, which to a 15 year old pretty much means new everything. My sister and I would very occasionally see old friends (she more than me) but we may as well have moved a world away. Needless to say, it completely broke my heart. But I really believe it has made me a stronger, more well-rounded person. Something, something, something.. cliché?

H’enyway. Today while going through old letters written from various friends left behind, I realized two things. One, I had some kick-ass friends. And two, I can be one bitter chick. I say this because typically I would categorize myself as the “screw reunions, I have zero desire to see people from high school” chick. Yes, I know, somebody give that girl an F-ing *insert antidepressant here* and shut her up. But in all honesty I think I would really like to see some of the people I went to school with. Not everyone, mind you, but there are more people than I realized that I would really love to get to know. Sometimes I just need to be reminded.

This is ironic (or possibly just strangely coincidental depending on your degree of leniency in interpreting definitions) because last week I wrote about not caring, which of course probably means I do care. And also due to recent events:

A couple of weeks ago at my cousin’s wedding I ran into a girl I was pretty close to in high school number one, but lost track of after I moved away. She later became my cousin’s college roommate and in the few moments I spoke to her as the ceremony was about to begin and I noticed she had a huge rock on her finger. I didn’t see her after the ceremony and was completely distressed. Apparently she got married and moved to West Virginia with her husband. (BTW, woah, my friends have husbands.) I’m pretty confident my cousin can link us up again, but I am still fascinated at my previous resolve that I did not care and the underlying reality that I really, really do.

I also realized something. Among the items from my past are letters between myself and various girls about boyfriends and crushes, friends and gossip, among other things. I read about the things that happened as though I’m hearing them for the first time. I have little or no recollection of most of it. And what I do remember is vague and disjointed. It’s like things that were once heartbreaking and life-altering are now almost endearing or so fleeting as to be incidental. Once again time has lovingly, mercifully and even gracefully removed the pain and left only happiness and great memories that could only be heartbreaking because they’re so sentimental. I’m a huge sap.

I guess it’s been more than ten years since most of this stuff happened. Long enough to forgive and forget. But not so long that I don’t remember some of the crazy details. I remember the black and white polka dot bikini I wore to a friend’s pool party in the 8th grade just before I moved. I remember agonizing about it and wondering if it looked okay. I think maybe the heightened emotions of the impending move made me pay more attention. Soak it all in. Absorb every drop before it was all gone forever. Kind of breaks my heart all over again to dig up those feelings, but in a good way. A sort of rich, connected, real kind of way. Like pealing back the deep green moss and finding the rich, black earth beneath. Vivid colors, deep thoughts, and wells of emotion. All good things.

Certifiable

You know how you glorify things in your mind? Imagining even the most mindless or difficult things to be worthwhile and even enjoyable later on? And looking back at the terrible experiences as “not so bad”? Maybe it’s some kind of self preservation to mercifully delude ourselves into smoothing over the pain or minimizing the trials we have faced. My mom said childbirth was like that. If any woman truly remembered the agony of labor there would be an awful lot of only children out there.

I believe I romanticize the future to an almost extreme degree. But I love it. I think it gives me drive and purpose. Helps me to obtain my loftiest goals despite the strain and drudgery I may have to endure to achieve them. It’s why we can work 14 hour days. Stay up all night writing papers. Go to the gym even though it’s the last damn thing we want.

When I think about getting my masters degree I’m like ‘ooh, I love studying and staying up all night’. It sounds all fun and exciting. Though the reality is you get little or no sleep, have to study more than anyone will really admit to, and then you’re seriously in debt and spend the rest of your life paying it off. Doesn’t that sound fun?!

Whoever said a little delusion wasn’t healthy?

Speaking of vicious animals..

A few weeks ago I got home and was sort of wandering around doing random chores in the house when I saw this round spot in the middle of my bed about 8 inches across.

What the..

Nothing on the ceiling so I know the roof's not leaking. I don't think I spilled anything there.. I bend down to smell in and it doesn't really smell like anything. I pull back the down comforter, bled through. Blanket, sheet, mattress pad, all the same. But the mattress wasn't wet.

Damn dog!!!!

I don't have a dog. But my next door neighbor does. Remember feroucious? I was furious. Not at anyone, but my bed was peed on!!!! Not like a little. The dog let it all go right in the middle of my nice white bed!

I immediately pulled all of the blankets off and went into my neighbor's house to ask Anna butt-head if she did it. Her cowering confirmed my suspicians. No big deal, I washed out all the blankets and febreezed everything. Good as new. But still! My neighbor said they had been in the house for about a minute while she got ice out of my freezer. That dog was on a MISSION.

The thing that gets me though is I'm super nice to this animal. I mean I hold her all the time and love her and feed her and walk her. WTF?! Sigh..

S'okay, tomorrow's a new day.

Then, last week my neighbor got a kitty. She's this really sweet little thing that they found near the healthfood store with six kittens. My neighbor being all big-hearted and stuff knew the mama would need a home so she adopter her after the kittens were all claimed. Now she lives next door with Anna butt-head. Which is good because the dog gets bored and now she has a buddy.

H'enyway. Last week my neighbor wasn't going to be home until late so I let the animals out and fed them and all that jazz. A couple hours later I was doing things around the house and let the animals run around inside. Let me clarify, I am the super-intelligent human who let the animals run around in my house. This becomes important later.

But this time, I was smart. Ha! I closed my bedroom door so no little animals could soil my bed. Anna butt-head was running laps around the living room and the cat was just poking around checking things out. But then, I heard the kitty getting into things. Something in the closet of the spare room fell over. I walked in and she's just climbing around on my outdoor gear, no big deal. Then she hops up on the futon, which is my spare bed, and pees. Right there in front of me. Empties her little bladder on the bed while I watch in horror.

WHAT?!

I picked her up by the scruff of her neck and slapped her across the butt, proceeded to carry her outside and tossed her into my neighbors house. Grabbed the dog and put her back in her house as well. Then rushed to get a towel to mop up whatever I could that didn't soak into the brand new down comforter I just bought for the bed.

AAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Btw, cat urine smells really, really bad. Nothing like puppies who don't seem to smell at all. And this cat must have been plotting this all day because there is no way she had any less than half a liter of liquid in her bladder. But it was nobody's fault but my own. I'm the one that let her wander around my house.

Fortunately I got everything washed and all is well. But now I have to wonder WTF is going on in animal world that me and/or my house make animals want to pee in my bed! I feel like it's some bad karma coming around to bite me in the butt. But I am really nice to these animals. Obviously not nice enough.

New rule, no animals in the house.

Weather and Memories

It's hard to imagine anything being out of place when you get to see things like this. Somewhere above the continental U.S. a thunderstorm was forming at 30,000 feet while I flew back from Boston last month. I couldn't catch the lightening on film, but the clouds building into a fervor were simply breathtaking. I love weather. Clouds, rain, storms, snow, wind, waves.

I have this vivid memory of sitting outside on the back porch of my house with my baby sitter and little sister, I must have been about 8. We were watching the rain pour down in buckets and the thunder and lightening threaten to shake the house free of the ground. The strange thing is I remember that we were eating green olives out of the jar. To this day I love green olives.

Those are the kinds of memories that will never disappear. I hope.

Transitions

It's definitely not summer anymore, and not quite winter. I love fall but it's definitely one of those in-between phases as far as activities go. And here it's a little less exciting because there is a shortage of deciduous trees that make fall so amazingly beautiful. I'm sort of at a loss. Sailing is pretty much over for the season. It's a bit cold to climb. And snowboarding is not for a solid two months. So what do I do? I mean there are activities, mountain biking, hiking, and so-fourth, but it's not quite the same.

I could take up solitaire. Or knitting! Yay! Oh wait.. I do have a lot of winter projects though. Like the thousands of photos that need to go in albums. Curtains need to be made for the still bare windows in my house. I mean I work, and go to the gym. But then what? I feel completely unfulfilled. I'm thinking therapy. Learn how to feel more fulfilled? Sounds expensive.

By the way, my heat is not working. FUN. It's supposed to be 29 degrees tonight. So that's pretty awesome. I didn't need it all summer. I go to turn it on a few days ago and nothing. Can't light the pilot light. The valve's on. I have a functioning gas stove so I know there's gas coming into the house somewhere. I hope the repair people come soon. I literally am wearing a hat to bed.

Also, I think I'm going to search for a roommate. My house feels awful empty and it could be good to have someone to split the gas bill with. Assuming someone comes to fix the stove / furnace / thing-that-looks-like-a-wood-stove-but-isn't at some point. Not to mention the possibility of a snowboarding buddy. I have a bed for my roommate to be. I got a kitchen table the other day. That's helpful if you don't want to eat sitting on the floor every night. I'm still kind of searching for a dresser for the second bedroom. But otherwise I think I'm pretty much set. I sort of dread having a roommate because there's always something bizarre about them. (Or me.) But I think it would be good for me.

So I'm looking forward, or at least trying to, hoping for positive change.

'Bout that time eh chap?

Half-hearted defenders of the Universe?

Huh-uh, I don't buy it. Wouldn't work. I mean, there would be some crisis like aliens coming to annihilate the planet with weapons of unimaginable destructive potential like planetary liquefication or something and these half-hearted defenders would be like 'Uh.. well, we tried a missile, but that didn't really work. Then we asked nicely if they would leave us alone, but they just kept coming. So guess we're screwed. Sorry!'

Nice.

Sometimes I just feel like what's the point if you're not going to put your heart into it? Not anything in particular. Just anything. Everything. Work. Family. Relationships. I know I'm ridiculously type-A and can't take no for an answer. And oh, yeah, I moved to California where "mañana doesn't mean tomorrow, it just means not right now." I just feel like people are okay with mediocrity and that really gets under my skin.

What do you mean "oh well" ?!

Count to ten. Breathe..

Right.

Maybe it's that people don't feel empowered to change their reality. There was this really adorable quote in "The Wedding Date" where the dad says to the daughter who is not getting married that "women have the exact love life they want". He goes on to say that he refuses to believe her current sitch is exactly what she wants... aww.. But I thought, how true. Now I know this is completely oversimplified and doesn't take into account complex things like criminals and families and all that. But I just thought it was worth thinking over.

H'enyway. I just want you to take a second and think about it. Are you giving it your all? I mean it makes me want to say lots of words rhyming with luck and bell when I get roadblocked by people who don't seem to be putting their heart into whatever it is they're doing. But who am I to say? Maybe I'm just a psycho and can't slow the LUCK down for a second and appreciate whatever other perspectives there might be. I don't know. I do know that I'm frustrated as BELL right now though.

Good for my blood pressure I think.

Shoot for the stars

Sometimes I wonder what all the people I went to high school with are doing now. I remember what they wanted to do and where they went to college, but I wonder where they are now and if that's really where they set out to go. It's really sort of only a vague philosphical, did they end up where they wanted to be question, not an actual personal interest in the people themselves. I know that's horrible. But I have zero desire to go to any reunions. Okay, maybe a 5% desire. But it will probably never happen.

I always did a lot of thinking about where I wanted to be "when I grew up". Don't you love that phrase? When I was in high school I used to hate it when the older kids I knew would say "when I was in high school". But then when I could say things like "when I was in college" it didn't have quite the same allure. Last summer this cute little girl sat next to me on a flight from D.C. to Reno. She asked me what grade I was in. Ugh. How do you explain to an eight year old that you're not really an adult like their mom and dad, but you're not in high school or even college anymore.

My Grandma told me this story about my little sister. When she was really little they asked her how old she thought my mom was. She replied "really old, like 30". Which of course produced much laughter from all of my relatives. But 30 doesn't seem quite so old anymore. Actually not old at all...

Sigh.

But I digress. Here I am in Lake Tahoe. I always wanted to live on the West Coast, and this is pretty close. I have this pretty laid back job that pays well and has mostly encouraging promises of a future. So that's good. If the job doesn't work out I'm more than likely going back to school. I just wonder how many people feel as though they took aim and landed more or less in the place they had hoped to. I feel fortunate to be here.

A picture is worth a thousand words

So I got this cute little dragon puppet. (Who doesn't need a dragon puppet, right?) And I'm sitting on the porch with my neighbor's dog who is bouncing off the walls because nobody has been home all day. She's at the pinnacle of her OMG YOU'RE FINALLY HOME! routine when she spots the puppet.

WOW! A TOY, A TOY! THANKS! I LOVE TOYS! (As she proceeds to run around, toy in mouth strutting her proverbial stuff.)

She loves the thing. I think it's mostly because you can put your hand inside and then it much more closely resembles some kind of poor, helpless animal. I mean she's completely vicious right?

So I guess now Anna Claire has a dragon puppet.

Self Portrait

No glam really. But I would say a fairly good depiction of me. I don't know, it just seems like there's always a simple mirror selfy on the big time blogger sites so I thought I'd play along. Not that I'm big time or anything. Whatever... Tada!


I've had my Kodak Digital Rebel for about 2 years now. I really dig the fixed focal length lens and the pictures I've managed to snap here and there. My friends think I'm trying to catch absolutely every moment of their lives on film. But really I'm just trying to become a better photographer. (I know you hate it when I take your picture. But look at all the great pictures!!)

I promised myself I wouldn't get another lens until I got to know this one. SoI think it may be about time. Hooray! I want a zoom next. Just have to find the right one. And there are never a shortage of cool toys competing for my paycheck. Must prioritize...

Snow Cross

It's supposed to snow on Thursday. Probably only a dusting, and probably only in the higher elevations, but I am not going to be picky. Tahoe is absolutely beautiful when it snows. Even just bits of snow on the mountains make it feel so much more welcoming. It took me a long time to get used to the exposed rock all around the basin, and even moreso without the snow, so I'm excited for its return.

This is an image from tahoewindjammers.com that shows Mt. Tallac in the background. Focus on the top of the mast of the boat on the right. Just above and to the left is the snow cross. It leans slightly to the right but you can make it out. The snowfall last winter was so light that the last bit of snow on the "snow cross" on Mt. Tallac melted in late August.


I took this one of Mt. Tallac in February this year. If you compare the two you can almost make out where the cross is. There are years when the snow cross stays throughout the year. The Washoe Indians that originally lived in the Tahoe area have legends that say when the snow cross melts, the tribe would go to war with neighboring tribes. This may or may not be historically accurate but would make sense given the lack of precipitation during those years.

There are many places in Tahoe where you can hike and ski back country but Mt. Tallac is one of the most popular. Only the early bird gets the fresh untracked powder because it's so accessible and not necessarily a brush with death to attempt. There's a North-facing bowl at the top that catches great powder. But the more serious thrill-seakers dive off the cross. Apparently you can ski or ride all the way down to your car. I'm thinking the hike up 4,000 feet would be tough, but that has to be part of the allure.

Let it snow...

Monterey

This April, just after I moved to California, my friend LTall was in Monterey for business. It was about a 4 hour drive so I decided to go visit her. Monterey is way beautiful. And LTall is way cool. We couldn't have had more fun or spent better quality time together. I miss you girl. I hope you're doing well. MUAH!


Remember sitting on the beach watching the boys row and listening to the sea lions bark?

Also, this picture really isn't black and white. It's really just that muted. And the picture I'm not posting? From the happy hour.. do you still have that one?

:)

Ice Cream Makes Everything Better

This week has been the worst week I've had since moving to Tahoe. The worst. Hands down. But stress in this environment is transient and life has a way of smoothing out the bumps. My boss, probably feeling at least as much stress as I am if not more, randomly decided we should get milkshakes and drive up to Emerald Bay, one of the best views on the lake. I didn't really expect it to help but I felt 100% better. Fearing for my life as he kind of absent mindedly swerves around the switchbacks overhanging several hundred feet of cliff while making offhanded comments about getting low on brake fluid kind of puts things in perspective. Just what the doctor ordered. Ice cream makes everything better.

Great Falls

You know how things seem way more romantic in pictures? And somehow you see pictures of places you go all the time and you wonder why you never noticed the beauty before? There’s this climbing area just outside of D.C. at Great Falls on the Virginia side. You can climb all down the river literally hanging above the water.

It’s really nice because it’s usually in the shade and most of the approaches are only about 10 minute walks. Also, if you’re nice to the ranger he’ll let you park in the “climbing lot” which is a lot closer to the climbing areas.

I was looking through my pics the other day and realized that some of the pictures from Great Falls came out really well. Not that I'm the best photographer but it almost seems like it’s not the same place. It’s just interesting to me how it can seem so different.

Kitty!!!

I came out the other morning to a driveway full of garbage. Doh! The neighbor’s garbage had been ransacked too. Don’t you just love it when the asparagus you tossed last week is now a gooey green liquid?! Yeah.. Good times.

I thought maybe it was a bear because my neighbor said she heard grunting one night. The next week we found a different neighbor’s trash all down the road. But then the other morning I saw something wandering around outside. Wow.. that’s a big cat. No, wait.. that’s a raccoon. A big raccoon. I guess you’d be big too if you were as well fed as this guy.

We have lovingly dubbed our trash fiend “Nermal”. The image is a bit fuzzy but you can make him out.

No hats and no cell phones

The first thing I did when I got here was get online and buy season passes to the local ski resorts. The second thing I did was get online and try to find my way on a sailboat for the summer. I signed up on a crew list for the Windjammer Yacht Club. It was local and free so I figured, why not? A couple of weeks later I got an email from the very experienced captain of a 26 foot J-80. (I say experienced because he directed me to read about one of his recent experiences at sea.) Since then, every Wednesday night is the Beer Can race and just about every weekend is some kind of mid or long-distance regatta. This is a picture of us in the Southern Crossing in late June. Yes, that's snow on the mountains in the background. Very cool.

Courtesy of a phone call from the captain of the J-80, this weekend I'm going to San Francisco to be on the Race Committee for the Aldo Alessio. I really don't know much about it except that it's going to increase my chances of getting a berth on the race committee at the Big Boat Series in September. This is important because both races are run out of the St. Francis Yacht Club and I would like nothing more than to secure a crew berth on the foredeck of a boat for the mid-winter races in the bay this year. What better place to meet someone with a boat and in need of crew than the St. Francis Yacht Club?

I am so excited I am shaking and so nervous my heart is very nearly pounding out of my chest. Apparently this Yacht Club fits all the stereotypes. I started to get nervous when the J-80 captain started briefing me on the Yacht Club rules of etiquette. I never really thought of myself as the Yacht Club type, but this could be really f-ing cool. I leave tomorrow morning around 3am to get to the bay in time. I hope to return with many pictures.

Second Hand

I’ve always been a Thrift Store shopper, but lately it’s become an obsession. There are so many thrift stores here. The first time I went a got this cute little wooden bowl for salads and things like that for $5. Then one time I went and found the perfect cowgirl hat for $2. (I wear it a lot.) And I get a lot of clothes there. It’s amazing how much life $10 at the Thrift Store will put back into your wardrobe. Then I found the perfect cupboard for my kitchen, $35. And a really nice mirror for the wall, $35. And then this painting for this other wall for $9. And some tablespoons because all I had were the little teaspoon ones. And this really awesome carafe for water. I mean seriously, the list goes on and on.

Of course my house is now more like a home that someone with half a sense of style might live in and less like the blank-walled, bike in the kitchen, bunk bed (just kidding) house of a post-college pre-adult individual. So that’s a good thing. But now I have to curb my enthusiasm for slightly used items and get down to just enjoying the things I already have. Otherwise before you know it I’ll have to take a bunch of stuff to the thrift store because I bought too many things I didn’t need. I’m all about donating, but I need to stop buying!

My furniture, wardrobe, dishes, and silverware are probably quite honestly 90% second-hand. And when I tell people that they flat out don’t believe me. I think it’s great. The only thing I don’t buy at thrift stores are things like underwear, climbing gear (not like they have any of that stuff), electronics, and usually shoes although I did buy a great pair of Birkenstock’s the other day. There may just be no hope…

Armed and Dangerous

Today my boss asked me how to spell “culprit” for an email he was writing. It kind of makes you wonder what exactly he needs to say that culprit seemed a fitting noun.

I suppose if he didn’t want to say culprit he could have said offender, criminal, guilty party, perpetrator, wrongdoer. See what I mean? Just not your standard business language.

Baby Sisters

My baby sister is on an air craft carrier somewhere between here and the Middle East. This is somewhat distressing because, well, the Middle East is pretty much perpetually in turmoil. It is also somewhat puzzling because my baby sister, who really isn't a baby anymore, was the last person any of us expected to join the military. We are all indescribably proud of her and happy that she's seeing the World and experiencing something so amazing that most of us can't even imagine it. But I am still always reminded that she is still my drama queen baby sister and even though she is very far from home, she is still happy and bubbly and very much herself. I love this about her.

And almost as if I had forgotten how my little sister is, today I got an email from her telling me about all the great places she visits, the crazy things that happen on the ship, and details from home that even I haven't heard yet. And at the end, a post script.

P.S. I could die any day and you NEVER write me!!!!!! :(

You gotta love baby sisters.

It’s funny

the things that have value here. I remember living in D.C. and the things that made me feel like I belonged, as though I had “made it”. A suit, heals, my cell phone, a latte from Starbucks. Here? It’s important to have a good pair of hiking boots, a nice wide-brimmed hat, and four wheel drive. I’ve used my rope and my camelback more often since moving here than my perfume.

Today I was cleaning out my sea bag after a Wednesday night sailboat race and I was putting my sailing shoes under the end of my bed where all my shoes go. I had to shove my “going out heals” aside for about the hundredth time, and it occurred to me how useless heals are here. I doubt I would be gawked at in one of the casinos where every other girl there is wearing a formal gown and stilettos. But I’d fit in just as well in jeans and flip flops and be a damn sight more comfortable.

I just love that the things that have value here are so different. Function over form. I think I just fit in better.

I miss the rain.

I love rain. L-O-V-E. I grew up in upstate New York which apparently has the same number of overcast days as Seattle. If you’ve ever been upstate you know what I mean. Apparently some of the highest college suicide rates. But I think the rain is wonderful. It makes me feel at home.

It’s always sunny here. Always! It’s almost depressing. (I think I’m wired funny or something.) Tahoe is beautiful, I shouldn’t complain. I just wish we could have the occasional rainy day.. I have a raincoat. And boots. I would be all set!

I love waking up to the sound of rain. Napping in the rain. Mountain biking in the rain. (I like mud a lot.) But then maybe the lake wouldn’t be so blue.. hmm..

This is why I can’t live in Tahoe forever. You have to have a goal right?

This is what I miss about D.C.

It's like watching paint dry

So I always said I wanted to be single. Good for my character I thought. With my parents it was almost an unspoken expectation. My Mom worked in Saudi for a year in her twenties. My Dad was drafted and then worked as an iron worker all over the West for a few years. That's a big part of why I moved out here. I wanted to spend a little time on my own. I didn't really anticipate being single. I had visions of nurturing this great relationship I was in. Heh..

But anyway, here I am. And I suppose it's not so bad. But give it time. Maybe it will suck more tomorrow. Maybe it will suck less. YOU NEVER KNOW. I keep myself mostly busy. I found a great mountain biking trail just up the road. Yesterday I rode as hard as I could until I felt like I might puke. Then I'd stop and suck wind for a minute. Then climb back on my bike and do it again. I was actually kind of glad nobody was there to see me in such pitiful shape. I almost got attacked by a dog too. Poor thing had the saddest bark you ever heard. Sounded more like a pitiful moaning. I think he really wanted to come play but felt torn between what he was supposed to do and fun. Poor guy.

I want a dog so bad. But I'd have to move because my apartment doesn't allow pets. I want an adult dog. My theory is if I walk into a shelter or the humane society that my dog will find me. Perfect! Everybody should get to choose their family don't you think?

Oh, my car died. That was fun. Gave me something to dwell on for a few hours. My boss graciously let me borrow a vehicle to get home. My car decided to die in the valley. In all fairness it waited until I had crested the pass. At least I could coast down into the valley. Rates are probably cheaper down there anyway. So now I'm sporting my boss' minivan. (Why do I get the boss with the minivan? Where are all the porche driving boss' whose second vehicle is something sweet like a jeep wrangler?) I shouldn't complain. I am really grateful to have something to drive. Seriously, a rental at $40 a day could get pricey.

I found a new restaurant down next to the expensive laundromat. The best way to describe it is a hippy joint with veggie everything and damn good too! (When you come visit me I'll take you there.) I was waiting for my clothes to wash and decided to wander a bit. Did I mention it's beautiful here?

I think the most depressing part about this single bs is it's after midnight on a Wednesday and I'm still up. I'm tired but not really interested in sleep. The house is fairly picked up. Laundry's done. Heh. Maybe tomorrow I'll clean the bathroom. Wooh! Mostly I'm just bored.

For now my theory is that being single is all about figuring out what to do with your day. Work is a no brainer, so that's 8 hours I don't have to worry about. Then there's about an hour for dinner/cleaning up. Working out is 1-2 hours. That leaves.. oh.. 3 or 4 more in between to figure out what to do with. But then there's the dreaded weekend. (Oh God, Oh God, we're all going to die.) Weekends are the worst. So much time on your hands. I ride my bike. I painted a little last weekend. I make lists of things to do. A feeble attempt to escape the boredom at some future date. I go to the gym which doesn't happen to be very busy at 9pm on a Friday in case you were wondering. And I watch movies. Lots and lots of movies.

Technical Difficulties

For some reason, I can't get to Blogger from my laptop. Sweet. Anybody know somebody that wants to fix my computer? I think I'm allergic to them.

And now, a bulleted list: (I am lazy.)

• Yesterday was the last day of the season at Heavenly, and there was a foot of fresh powder. A foot, I kid you not.
• Kirkwood is open until next weekend so I'm not quite grounded. Not just yet.
• I skipped work last Monday at my boss' request to go snowboarding. And I did. All day. Sweet.
• I joined the gym finally. There's a jacuzzi in the women's locker room. I am happy.

That is all.

I have seen the light (like a DUI roadblock in the sky)

I have to admit, I've been flying a little differently since I got here. Singing a bit of a different tune. I am completely and totally in love with my new home, and I've noticed a few changes in my demeanor.

I have always considered myself to be a conservative person. Yes, I do some non-conservative things, but I do them safely. Sorta. I'm typically not a risk taker or a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda girl. I rock climb but I've had to work hard to overcome my fear of heights. I snowboard but always hang back on the safe side of things. And I am definitely not an adrenaline junkie. I feel that rush and I back off. I never liked feeling out of control.

When I went to Colorado over Thanksgiving I spent a week riding the "groomers" because there wasn't really enough snow to be in the trees much. The group I was with would have much preferred the trees and OB if at all possible. I was secretly grateful to be safely on the predictable groomed trails and not deep in the "pow" dodging trees. (For the record, I think "pow" is a ridiculous slang term. I use it purely in the context of the group I was with. Aaannd maybe to make fun of them a bit. The only thing worse is calling basketball "hoop". Seriously, just say basketball. Or ball. That would do. Boys. But I digress.)

I couldn't really understand why you would want to dodge trees risking life and limb (not to mention your lift ticket) when you could cruise like mad on the nice, safe, groomed trails. But yesterday something snapped. I was about half way down the killer tree run I mentioned yesterday and I got a rush of adrenaline. And I liked it! Wow... So this is what they've been talking about. I wanted more. I spent the rest of the day and all day today seeking out every tree, every rock. And I found them. Trees, rocks, and bumps galore. Oh God I've died and gone to heaven.

Maybe it's the laid back new me. Maybe it's the town or the knowledge that the next good stretch of riding won't be until next November. I'm like a fox in a hen house. A redneck at a Nascar race. haha.. I'm as giddy as a school girl. I've never jumped before and suddenly I'm jumping at every opportunity. I've never bombed so many tree runs or mogul fields in my life! I crave speed. Sweet. But seriously, who is this new me and where did she come from?!? I was beginning to wonder if perhaps I was not as adventurous as I thought. Phew... Also, I smile a lot more. Can't imagine why... :)

Go to Heavenly, ride like Hell.

Now I know why they call it Heavenly

If I could tell you what Heaven looked like, this is what I would describe.

I'm in Paradise. The views are breathtaking. The snowboarding is phenomenal. And the best part? I live here. It sort of hits me every now and then and I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. (A lot of that going on lately.) It's completely and totally overwhelming. Breathtaking, inviting, and intoxicatingly surreal. I can honestly say there is nowhere else I would rather be.

This trail is nicknamed "The Stream". There's an actual stream running underneath it. (Apparently when it gets warm people occasionally fall through.) Also, you can't really see, but up and to the left under the lift there's a killer tree run that I am determined to master. I kicked it's butt yesterday but I am going to do it better tomorrow. Hopefully more pictures to come...

There is only one thing missing. I wish my friends were here to share this with me. I never thought I would miss everyone this much. I just hope they'll all come to their senses and get the hell out here! At least for a visit. I miss you all terribly and I can't wait to see you again. Muah!

There and back again

To all of you I don't get to update regularly but miss dearly..

Tuesday - Got off to a late start. It was 11:30 am before I finally got on the road. And made it all the way to... wait for it... Frederick before having to stop. Wow. Just didn't get anywhere near enough sleep in the past week. Pushed hard though and finally pulled into my grandparents 14 hours later. Phew. At least I have a day off from driving now. The truck and trailer really aren't as bad as I'd feared. Just can't cut corners and people are surprisingly considerate. Well, most people.

Wednesday - I spent the day with my grandparents and a few aunts, uncles and cousins visiting and napping. I really miss being able to see them on a regular basis. It's kind of sad now that a lot of us are "growing up". We used to automatically see each other on holidays but it's becoming more frequent to go a couple of years without catching up. How sad.. Also, my Grandfather was truly sincere when he said "Your mother knows what it's like now to have all of her children moving far away. Serves her right!" I don't think he ever quite got over her going out on her own.

Thursday - I made it past Oklahoma City, my goal for the second day of the drive. I'm in a fairly nice Super 8 for the bargain price of $56. Woo hoo!! My only goal for this evening is a shower and sleep! It rained very hard on and off throughout the day but I didn't see any of the tornados I kept hearing about. I did see the St. Louis Arch and managed a very grainy picture with my camera phone. Next stop, Flagstaff. It's funny how poor my geography (geology?? - haha..just kidding) is once you get West of the Mississippi. Sad but true. I completely forgot I would be driving through Illinois and this is the second time I've taken this particular route.. Yes, laugh, but at least I know which state the Grand Canyon is in! (You had to look it up didn't you?)

The fastest way to a girl's heart..

..is to buy her snowshoes.

I heard Tahoe got 7 ft of snow last week! And now I believe I am fully prepared.

Look at the claws!! Aren't they pretty?

My five minutes are up

In recent months I have been struggling with a certain person in my life. One who seemed intent on pushing me down for the sake of their own reputation. I knew this someone would be a problem yet I climbed aboard anyway with a big heart and loving attitude in the name of a challenge and new experiences. It went alright for a while, but slowly deteriorated into what we all feared. And before I knew it, I had spent countless hours of my own time to help the cause yet was attacked at every fork in the road.

In every instance I chose to be the better person. I took the higher road. I fought the good fight. And one day, I decided it wasn't worth it. I walked away. But still the effects bog me down. I feel angry when I should feel accomplishment. I am cynical where I ought to be excited. And worst of all, I fear that my next challenge will be tainted with the bitter taste in my mouth.

And then as if on cue, I got a little message from D.H. Lawrence. I was watching G.I. Jane and that quote used by the Master Chief on day one of SEAL training struck a chord in me.

I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough Without ever having felt sorry for itself. ~ D.H. Lawrence

In reading a bit more about D.H. Lawrence on wiki, I am pleasantly surprised that his works were characterized by issues relating to emotional health and vitality, and the dehumanizing effects of modernity and industrialization. How fitting.

I've been one pitiful creature the last few months, and I have no one to blame but myself. All this, "poor me" and "it's so unfair" nonsense. I talked about how the situation sucked and it was a good learning experience. I tried to look at it as a lesson and think of how lucky I was to have learned it in a supportive and positive environment. But it kept haunting my like a bad scary movie. I had been struggling to find a way to shake all the negativity. Some things worked, but only temporarily. So perhaps this will be the straw that broke the camel's back. No more pity party, it's time for me to get over it.

It's like the crying rule. You get five minutes. Five long minutes to cry and moan, complain and whine, but after the five minutes are up. It's done. Over. No more pity party. Just deal with it and move on.

Because I need the reminder

One final paragraph of advice: do not burn yourselves out. Be as I am - a reluctant enthusiast....a part-time crusader, a half-hearted fanatic. Save the other half of yourselves and your lives for pleasure and adventure. It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it’s still here. So get out there and hunt and fish and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, climb the mountains, bag the peaks, run the rivers, breathe deep of that yet sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for a while and contemplate the precious stillness, the lovely, mysterious, and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to the body, the body active and alive, and I promise you this much; I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those desk-bound men and women with their hearts in a safe deposit box, and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this; You will outlive the bastards.

~Edward Abbey

Right now less is more

I was thinking that maybe what I need right now is less. Less responsibility. Less stress. Less clutter. I keep applying for these jobs that would step me up the proverbial ladder a rung or two and I'm not entirely sure that's what I want. I kind of want to just chill out for a while. Get rid of this burned out feeling I can't seem to shake. I am already starting to feel the dread of more responsibility creaping into my heart and I haven't even quit my job yet!

I bought three books the other day. One on .Net, one on the ADO.net framework, and one on project management. So what is it I think I'm going to do work all day, study in the evening, and then what? Say I learn .Net and everything there is to know about project management. Do I want to be a .Net developer? Do I want to be a project manager? I'm growing increasingly
envious of my friends who leave work and play video games all evening while I go to the gym and train clients for four hours.

But there was a reason I got that second job. I needed the experience so I could get away from sitting at a desk all day and more into doing something fun like training. And I like training, but I don't know if I want to do it all day. But it would be a lot less responsibility and a lot less stress.

For the past few months I have been looking at the world through thick cynical glasses. It's like a bad dream and I can't seem to focus on anything good. May as well ditch the glasses and fumble around in the dark. It takes very little to push me over the edge. Short fuse, big bomb. I want to live on the other side of the spectrum. I want to be a ski bum. At the end of the day, nothing matters but the powder and soothing sore legs. No worries..

BASKET CASE

I wouldn't consider myself stingy. I'm usually a bit frivolous, actually. I remember feeling really embarrassed once because I hesitated to spring for a deck of cards. I was with a bunch of upperclassmen on a ski team trip in college and they all were all a bit miffed by my second thought about a $2 deck. Since then I've sort of made it a point to not let money really matter in situations like that. Now I'm like a kid who just got her allowance; money kind of burns a hole in my pocket. But with the move getting so close I've been singing a different tune.

Today I wouldn't go grocery shopping because I didn't have my shopper's club cardwith me. Normally I would have walked in anyway, but the prospect of spending approximately $7 more than I had to was too much. I'm so terrified about the move and anxious about not having enough money, it's really changed my whole outlook.

On one hand, this is good. At least my "urban survival" skills are kicking in. But on the other hand it's kind of stressful. I wish I just didn't have to worry about it. Soon enough I suppose.

Seriously, though, I'm stressed. I have dreams about crazy things happening. I'm terrified of anything and everything going wrong. I can reason with myself from now until the end of time but it really doesn't do much for my obsessive need to know what "the plan" is. And it's kind of hard to know the plan when I'm still not sure where I'm working.

I'll be so happy when I can just sit back in my couch, look out my window at Lake Tahoe, and finally know that I accomplished my goal. Until then, I'm strongly considering prozac. Or Vallium. Mmm.. Vallium!

So here's my theory.

I have this space in my head for thoughts. Sort of just a holding area where they go after I've thought them up. And when the space gets full, they all come rushing out in a flood as though the dam has just broken. Solid scientific theory, wouldn't you say?

It's weird. Sometimes I'll go for weeks without a single good thing to write. Other times I'll write five or six good things in a day. (Yes, I know good is relative.) I don't understand why it's not more consistent. I suppose like everything it cycles like a pendulum, back and forth between extremes.

But how am I supposed to have a career as a profitable writer if I can't have a decent thought for a week? That and the fact that my grammar, spelling, and punctuation are total shit. This is seriously cramping my style, you know? Ah well. I suppose I'll have to make the best of it.

Google-Fu

I was sitting on the floor of my room the other night making inappropriate comments in a birthday card about the shape of the squid on the cover, and it struck me that I didn't know how to spell phallic. I wasn't sure if it started with an 'f' or a 'ph' and are there two l's?

Since my computer has been slow and not wanting to load Internet Explorer lately, I was in a bit of a bind. I checked around for a dictionary but to no avail. WTF?!? I've become so dependent on the Internet that I can't even SPELL without it!!

What to do.. what to do...

After much persuasion and kind words to my cpu I was able to google it and find that it is indeed a 'ph' with two l's. Phew...

Don't you love how google is now a perfectly exceptable verb?

Update: Is it funny or sad that I wrote exceptable rather than acceptable? Lauren.. thank you for the correction. I baffle myself, but perhaps my error makes my point more clear. I am helpless without the Internet.

Absolute genius

Animation 1
Animation 2

Just for today

I will give thanks for my many blessings.

I will not worry.

I will not be angry.

I will do my work honestly.

I will be kind to my neighbor and every living thing.

I was in NY visiting a friend last summer and I saw this taped to the bathroom mirror. I didn't ask her if she wrote it, I probably should, but I think it's something we could all see when we look in the mirror in the morning. Make a small change just for today...

Note to self

1) Breathe

I had to sub a 30 minute abs class for another instructor last week. I was excited, but nervous. It came off alright but was more disorganized than I would have liked. I know about 3 million ab exercises, but the transitions were choppy. Then following it I taught an unremarkable yoga class. I did alright, but there wasn't as much energy as I would have liked. I didn't get too down on myself, I have off weeks, but I knew I could do better.

I used to teach a sculpt class that I made up myself. But my yoga class is all pre-choreographed with music and everything. I feel more comfortable that way, more confident. My sculpt class was always popular, but it's nice when you don't have to worry about both delivery and content. If the content is set, you can work our your performance. Never thought of teaching group fitness as a performance, but that's what makes a good class...

This week I had to teach the abs class again. But this time it rocked!! I planned out what exercises I would use and put them in a well-designed format so there would be very little turning over onto your belly and then back or getting up and down. I think I did an awesome job.. Then my yoga class was right on point. It was smooth and energetic. Jammed room. I always do better with a really full class. I just feed off the energy. But anyway.. it helped me to remind myself that I can do this. I just need to take a breath and center myself.

2) Don't feel so small

Sometimes I think I get defensive when I feel small. Like Napoleon or something, out to prove that size doesn't matter. It's not size so much with me, but I still think I cop an attitude way more than I should. But if I could just find a little more confidence within myself I think things would go much smoother. Some lady last night got all worked up at me for not going fast enough on the beltway. I wasn't in her way, she was just mad at the world apparently. But I just kind of shrugged and didn't worry about it. It felt good not to feel so small and feel the need to defend myself.

3) Smile

I always get asked in stores whether I work there. And I think maybe it's because I smile at people. Yes, I smile, wipe that shocked look off your face.. I just feel sorry for people wandering aimlessly around a store obviously in need of some assistance, so I smile. And then they must assume I'm being paid to smile at them so they ask me questions. Strange stuff, but smiles really do help people.

4) Do more yoga

Yoga cures nearly anything that ails me these days. I always feel better after yoga. I wish I could take other people's classes more. I usually only have time for me own, and that's different. Good, but different. Last night though, I think I came really close to teaching my ideal class. It was fantastic. There was a ton of energy in the room. Every time I said something I could see everyone in the room respond.

During balance I asked them to "fill your lungs on all sides" and I could see everyone's chest rise together. Then in forward folds, "really release the shoulders feeling weight through the back of your neck to the crown of your head" and everyone just let go and dangled their arms to the floor. It was beautiful. During relaxation I could see everyone quite literally melting into the floor. It was awesome to see that kind of group energy and engagement. My goal in teaching yoga is to take everyone to the limits of their strength and flexibility and then relax them to the point where every pore forms a goosebump as the tension melts away.

I just wanted to remind myself what I'm really aiming for.

A slight improvement

For the past few months I've been meeting with another personal trainer about once a week. We get together to work out and share training strategies and routines. Working with her has really helped my instruction and she seems to really enjoy the new ideas. One of my problems is telling people too much. They kind of overload and stop listening so I need to learn to give them small bits at a time.

Despite my improvements in training I've been in a rut lately. Not eating horribly, but not really eating well either. I don't think I've been to the grocery store in months! And I've been feeling like crap. Big surprise right? Serves me right. Training has actually cut into my own training schedule as well. I guess I work if given the opportunity where I used to take a class or lift in the past. It's strange.

This week I started making my morning shakes again. It's been great. I feel good about drinking a low fat high protein shake with lots of vitamins in it. I have energy and it tastes good. If I get food in my belly before my coffee I drink more water, I feel more energetic, and I get more things done. It's amazing what a clear head will do for you.

Enough is enough!!

I am not the lethargic person I have become and this has got to stop. I am young and energetic. I am vibrant and inspired! But my behavior as of late has been in disagreement with who I am inside.

I feel drained by my desk job and the bitter people I encounter. I feel discouraged in the face of apathy. The moment I sit down at my desk I'm finished. I feel like quitting.

I think I'm ready

When I first got to D.C. my life was crazy. I lived 2 hours from work in a tiny little apartment with three other people. I had to leave the house crazy early to beat the traffic only to find myself with two hours to kill. It didn't take long before I got a gym membership to fill the space. (Amazingly, what started as a way to pass the time has turned into a side career as a personal trainer and group fitness instructor. Crazy how that works.)

I remember running on the treadmill or climbing endlessly on the stair climber while watching the sun come up. It was encouraging to know I was up doing something with myself before the sun came up, but also depressing because I was up doing something with myself before the sun came up. (Who does that?)

Living that far from work was draining to say the least. I thought I was being an adult, getting a job, making the necessary sacrifices for a better life. I felt successful, depsite the fact that it sucked. I tore through books that year. Two hours on the train gives you a lot of time to read. I caught up with people on the phone in the car while I drove home from the train station. But I was still commuting four hours a day.

The first six months of my first "real" job were heinous. I was one miserable girl. I was doing excrutiatingly boring work for good money and great benefits a long way from home. Bad combination. The commute, the boredom, and the tight living arrangements were enough to drive me insane. But the promise of my career kept me going. Fortunately the work slowly got better and I finally moved a lot closer to work and got a much bigger house with three amazing girls who would later become my best friends.

I have to make fun of myself for molding so predictably to my new environment. I started wearing heals to work. I still get lattes from Starbucks every morning. I learned to play the part of a city girl. I was doing well.

Despite the improvements, I told myself each year would be my last. I used to put reminders in my Outlook calendar to ask myself "Why the hell are you still here?" at periodic intervals. So depressing. But I stayed, and got promoted, and worked harder, and learned more. All the while dreaming and having fun, meeting amazing people, living and experiencing life.

Don't misunderstand. This has been an amazing experience. The initial six months of learning and doing the "grunt work" on the job were to be expected. It's a great job. I've learned more than I ever thought possible and gained some invaluable experience. And it's D.C. So much to do, so many amazing people. I was fortunate to have a place to live when I first got here. And I'm grateful to have people who cared about me within reach. I grew to love the city.

It's been three years now, short by most standards. But my pre-D.C. life seems like ages ago. I think I've grown up a lot. I've definitely learned a lot and grown as a person. So of course despite my desires, the thought of leaving was bitter sweet. There are so many things here that I haven't experienced. So many places to go and restaurants to try. So much history. So many trails I haven't hiked and streams to be explored. So many people I haven't spent enough time with.

But I've also lost touch with some things along the way. Parts of myself that I'm not ready to let go of. And I want them back. I've stopped dreaming about the present. My dreams are all about the future. I've become much less generous and more unforgiving. I'm less trustful and more skeptical. I miss the kinder, gentler, freer version of myself. I barely even write anymore. I kind of drone through the work week and dread the coming of another Monday. Not ideal.

So the "bitter" in bitter-sweet has definitely faded. But the true turning point was very recent. Until then amidst all the plans to get the hell out of dodge I was sad. The mood was somber.

The other night I walked out of the gym after teaching an unremarkable yoga class. (The same gym where I got my first membership.) I looked at the skyline where I used to watch the sun rise each morning. The same skyline but for a few more high rises, and I realized I was ready to go. No longer am I sad for what I'm leaving behind. I'm ready a slower pace. Less traffic. More trees. I want my dreams back. My hopefullness back. I want to live in the moment.

It sounds like I'm retiring. But hopefully I'm just growing up. Or at least becoming much more myself. The self I know I can be. I'm going to miss everyone dearly, but I can't wait to go.

I'm glad I'm finally ready.

A twist on the ordinary

I'm not pessimistic, but not really optimistic either.

No, you're the one who says "Who the F*@# took the other half of my water?!?"

I about fell of my chair laughing. Totally something I would say. That's what you love about me... aggressive and cynical as hell..

There will always be speedbumps

The trick is to get a little air off them as you hit them...

It has been a trying year, I must say. But I'm still here and I am a stronger more well-rounded person for it. I just wanted to say thank you to all of my friends who keep me sane when I really just want to jump off a bridge or not get out of bed in the morning.

You guys rock!

To better times ahead...

This year I want to take a moment to appreciate what I have achieved and make a resolution not to let my accomplishments fade. I want to integrate the growth and experiences of this past year into the person I am becoming. I want to weave the lessons I've learned and the moments that have touched me into the very fabric of my being.

Life brings new things each day, and the best resolution I can think to make is to take it with me.

At this time next year I hope I can look back on the things I am proud of today and smile because they are still very much a part of me. I want to build a better me by slowly filing away at my rough edges and polishing up the smooth ones.

This year I want to still be willing and able to drive all day for any occasion no matter how small. A party. A friend's birthday. Or maybe just because I have an extra day and wouldn't it be fun to go?!

This year I want to listen more to myself. It seems I'm always playing the role of my own personal life coach. My one-woman cheer section. My therapist, my planner, my own best friend. (Not to discredit all of my friends, because they are wonderful. I could not be me without them.) But in not listening to my own advice I am my own worst enemy. I need to pay attention to the voice in my head. Read what I've written. Review the things I've earmarked from others work and put myself in the right frame of mind. Create my own reality and not blindly follow what I think others have set out for me as though they had me in mind.

This year I want to hold onto my faith. My faith in the future I keep working toward. My faith in other people. My faith in myself. My faith in something bigger than myself and my own little world. I am troubled because I feel it slowly slipping away. I feel jadedness and cynicism tugging at my shirt sleeves and I don't want to let them in. So I resolve to keep my head above water and keep my eyes on the horizon of a bright new day.

This year I want to connect more with my world. I want to be more accepting and less afraid. Take the good and the bad and fight my urge to turn away.

And finally, this year I just want to keep life simple. I want to sleep under the stars more. Climb a new mountain. Learn a new way to have fun. Keep in touch with my friends. Not own so much stuff. Go snowshoeing. Meditate more. Sleep more. Laugh more. Ride my bike more. Live in the moment.

Here's to an exceptional 2007. Happy New Year everyone! May you have every happiness.

Every day is a new day. Namaste.