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Just for today

I will give thanks for my many blessings.

I will not worry.

I will not be angry.

I will do my work honestly.

I will be kind to my neighbor and every living thing.

I was in NY visiting a friend last summer and I saw this taped to the bathroom mirror. I didn't ask her if she wrote it, I probably should, but I think it's something we could all see when we look in the mirror in the morning. Make a small change just for today...

Note to self

1) Breathe

I had to sub a 30 minute abs class for another instructor last week. I was excited, but nervous. It came off alright but was more disorganized than I would have liked. I know about 3 million ab exercises, but the transitions were choppy. Then following it I taught an unremarkable yoga class. I did alright, but there wasn't as much energy as I would have liked. I didn't get too down on myself, I have off weeks, but I knew I could do better.

I used to teach a sculpt class that I made up myself. But my yoga class is all pre-choreographed with music and everything. I feel more comfortable that way, more confident. My sculpt class was always popular, but it's nice when you don't have to worry about both delivery and content. If the content is set, you can work our your performance. Never thought of teaching group fitness as a performance, but that's what makes a good class...

This week I had to teach the abs class again. But this time it rocked!! I planned out what exercises I would use and put them in a well-designed format so there would be very little turning over onto your belly and then back or getting up and down. I think I did an awesome job.. Then my yoga class was right on point. It was smooth and energetic. Jammed room. I always do better with a really full class. I just feed off the energy. But anyway.. it helped me to remind myself that I can do this. I just need to take a breath and center myself.

2) Don't feel so small

Sometimes I think I get defensive when I feel small. Like Napoleon or something, out to prove that size doesn't matter. It's not size so much with me, but I still think I cop an attitude way more than I should. But if I could just find a little more confidence within myself I think things would go much smoother. Some lady last night got all worked up at me for not going fast enough on the beltway. I wasn't in her way, she was just mad at the world apparently. But I just kind of shrugged and didn't worry about it. It felt good not to feel so small and feel the need to defend myself.

3) Smile

I always get asked in stores whether I work there. And I think maybe it's because I smile at people. Yes, I smile, wipe that shocked look off your face.. I just feel sorry for people wandering aimlessly around a store obviously in need of some assistance, so I smile. And then they must assume I'm being paid to smile at them so they ask me questions. Strange stuff, but smiles really do help people.

4) Do more yoga

Yoga cures nearly anything that ails me these days. I always feel better after yoga. I wish I could take other people's classes more. I usually only have time for me own, and that's different. Good, but different. Last night though, I think I came really close to teaching my ideal class. It was fantastic. There was a ton of energy in the room. Every time I said something I could see everyone in the room respond.

During balance I asked them to "fill your lungs on all sides" and I could see everyone's chest rise together. Then in forward folds, "really release the shoulders feeling weight through the back of your neck to the crown of your head" and everyone just let go and dangled their arms to the floor. It was beautiful. During relaxation I could see everyone quite literally melting into the floor. It was awesome to see that kind of group energy and engagement. My goal in teaching yoga is to take everyone to the limits of their strength and flexibility and then relax them to the point where every pore forms a goosebump as the tension melts away.

I just wanted to remind myself what I'm really aiming for.

A slight improvement

For the past few months I've been meeting with another personal trainer about once a week. We get together to work out and share training strategies and routines. Working with her has really helped my instruction and she seems to really enjoy the new ideas. One of my problems is telling people too much. They kind of overload and stop listening so I need to learn to give them small bits at a time.

Despite my improvements in training I've been in a rut lately. Not eating horribly, but not really eating well either. I don't think I've been to the grocery store in months! And I've been feeling like crap. Big surprise right? Serves me right. Training has actually cut into my own training schedule as well. I guess I work if given the opportunity where I used to take a class or lift in the past. It's strange.

This week I started making my morning shakes again. It's been great. I feel good about drinking a low fat high protein shake with lots of vitamins in it. I have energy and it tastes good. If I get food in my belly before my coffee I drink more water, I feel more energetic, and I get more things done. It's amazing what a clear head will do for you.

Enough is enough!!

I am not the lethargic person I have become and this has got to stop. I am young and energetic. I am vibrant and inspired! But my behavior as of late has been in disagreement with who I am inside.

I feel drained by my desk job and the bitter people I encounter. I feel discouraged in the face of apathy. The moment I sit down at my desk I'm finished. I feel like quitting.

I think I'm ready

When I first got to D.C. my life was crazy. I lived 2 hours from work in a tiny little apartment with three other people. I had to leave the house crazy early to beat the traffic only to find myself with two hours to kill. It didn't take long before I got a gym membership to fill the space. (Amazingly, what started as a way to pass the time has turned into a side career as a personal trainer and group fitness instructor. Crazy how that works.)

I remember running on the treadmill or climbing endlessly on the stair climber while watching the sun come up. It was encouraging to know I was up doing something with myself before the sun came up, but also depressing because I was up doing something with myself before the sun came up. (Who does that?)

Living that far from work was draining to say the least. I thought I was being an adult, getting a job, making the necessary sacrifices for a better life. I felt successful, depsite the fact that it sucked. I tore through books that year. Two hours on the train gives you a lot of time to read. I caught up with people on the phone in the car while I drove home from the train station. But I was still commuting four hours a day.

The first six months of my first "real" job were heinous. I was one miserable girl. I was doing excrutiatingly boring work for good money and great benefits a long way from home. Bad combination. The commute, the boredom, and the tight living arrangements were enough to drive me insane. But the promise of my career kept me going. Fortunately the work slowly got better and I finally moved a lot closer to work and got a much bigger house with three amazing girls who would later become my best friends.

I have to make fun of myself for molding so predictably to my new environment. I started wearing heals to work. I still get lattes from Starbucks every morning. I learned to play the part of a city girl. I was doing well.

Despite the improvements, I told myself each year would be my last. I used to put reminders in my Outlook calendar to ask myself "Why the hell are you still here?" at periodic intervals. So depressing. But I stayed, and got promoted, and worked harder, and learned more. All the while dreaming and having fun, meeting amazing people, living and experiencing life.

Don't misunderstand. This has been an amazing experience. The initial six months of learning and doing the "grunt work" on the job were to be expected. It's a great job. I've learned more than I ever thought possible and gained some invaluable experience. And it's D.C. So much to do, so many amazing people. I was fortunate to have a place to live when I first got here. And I'm grateful to have people who cared about me within reach. I grew to love the city.

It's been three years now, short by most standards. But my pre-D.C. life seems like ages ago. I think I've grown up a lot. I've definitely learned a lot and grown as a person. So of course despite my desires, the thought of leaving was bitter sweet. There are so many things here that I haven't experienced. So many places to go and restaurants to try. So much history. So many trails I haven't hiked and streams to be explored. So many people I haven't spent enough time with.

But I've also lost touch with some things along the way. Parts of myself that I'm not ready to let go of. And I want them back. I've stopped dreaming about the present. My dreams are all about the future. I've become much less generous and more unforgiving. I'm less trustful and more skeptical. I miss the kinder, gentler, freer version of myself. I barely even write anymore. I kind of drone through the work week and dread the coming of another Monday. Not ideal.

So the "bitter" in bitter-sweet has definitely faded. But the true turning point was very recent. Until then amidst all the plans to get the hell out of dodge I was sad. The mood was somber.

The other night I walked out of the gym after teaching an unremarkable yoga class. (The same gym where I got my first membership.) I looked at the skyline where I used to watch the sun rise each morning. The same skyline but for a few more high rises, and I realized I was ready to go. No longer am I sad for what I'm leaving behind. I'm ready a slower pace. Less traffic. More trees. I want my dreams back. My hopefullness back. I want to live in the moment.

It sounds like I'm retiring. But hopefully I'm just growing up. Or at least becoming much more myself. The self I know I can be. I'm going to miss everyone dearly, but I can't wait to go.

I'm glad I'm finally ready.

A twist on the ordinary

I'm not pessimistic, but not really optimistic either.

No, you're the one who says "Who the F*@# took the other half of my water?!?"

I about fell of my chair laughing. Totally something I would say. That's what you love about me... aggressive and cynical as hell..

There will always be speedbumps

The trick is to get a little air off them as you hit them...

It has been a trying year, I must say. But I'm still here and I am a stronger more well-rounded person for it. I just wanted to say thank you to all of my friends who keep me sane when I really just want to jump off a bridge or not get out of bed in the morning.

You guys rock!

To better times ahead...

This year I want to take a moment to appreciate what I have achieved and make a resolution not to let my accomplishments fade. I want to integrate the growth and experiences of this past year into the person I am becoming. I want to weave the lessons I've learned and the moments that have touched me into the very fabric of my being.

Life brings new things each day, and the best resolution I can think to make is to take it with me.

At this time next year I hope I can look back on the things I am proud of today and smile because they are still very much a part of me. I want to build a better me by slowly filing away at my rough edges and polishing up the smooth ones.

This year I want to still be willing and able to drive all day for any occasion no matter how small. A party. A friend's birthday. Or maybe just because I have an extra day and wouldn't it be fun to go?!

This year I want to listen more to myself. It seems I'm always playing the role of my own personal life coach. My one-woman cheer section. My therapist, my planner, my own best friend. (Not to discredit all of my friends, because they are wonderful. I could not be me without them.) But in not listening to my own advice I am my own worst enemy. I need to pay attention to the voice in my head. Read what I've written. Review the things I've earmarked from others work and put myself in the right frame of mind. Create my own reality and not blindly follow what I think others have set out for me as though they had me in mind.

This year I want to hold onto my faith. My faith in the future I keep working toward. My faith in other people. My faith in myself. My faith in something bigger than myself and my own little world. I am troubled because I feel it slowly slipping away. I feel jadedness and cynicism tugging at my shirt sleeves and I don't want to let them in. So I resolve to keep my head above water and keep my eyes on the horizon of a bright new day.

This year I want to connect more with my world. I want to be more accepting and less afraid. Take the good and the bad and fight my urge to turn away.

And finally, this year I just want to keep life simple. I want to sleep under the stars more. Climb a new mountain. Learn a new way to have fun. Keep in touch with my friends. Not own so much stuff. Go snowshoeing. Meditate more. Sleep more. Laugh more. Ride my bike more. Live in the moment.

Here's to an exceptional 2007. Happy New Year everyone! May you have every happiness.

Every day is a new day. Namaste.

A good judge of character

You can tell what kind of person your newscaster is by how they report about the snowstorm in Denver this week. If they talk about how lucky those Colorado residents are, you know they're a winter fan and a damn good person. Or if they spin the storm negatively you know you have to find a new news station.

I really, really wish we could have some more snow this winter. It's been unseasonably warm. We had a gorgeous fall and apparently Mother Nature liked it so much she decided to extend it in lieu of Winter this year. I did see snow once (outside of Colorado). We had a miniature snowstorm that lasted a few minutes a couple of weeks ago. Nothing stuck but it made my heart ache for a real winter.

Earlier this week I was sitting on the bank of the river at the bottom of the rock I was about to climb. S2H was clinging to the rock while I belayed him up the route. It was surreal because the water was crystal clear. And the heat of the 70 degree day was funneling down through the gorge. But with the cold water there would be short bits of cold air mixed in with the warm breaze. It was an amazing day, but bitter sweet because in a perfect world on a late December day we would be wearing snowshoes.

What I wouldn't give to shovel the walkway. To battle snow drifting across the road as I drive white-knuckled to work. To bundle up in my long coat and come indoors with rosey cheeks knocking the snow from my boots. I've been flipping through pictures of Denver that people have sent in to TheDenverChannel.com and it helps a little. At least to remind myself winter isn't gone forever. It's just not here right now. And would I please leave a message for when she finally decides to return.

I can't wait to move somewhere more me-friendly. This place just doesn't fit my needs. Even the bugs in Denver are ready for winter...

What forgiveness really is

My mom always told me I was unforgiving and that I needed to learn to let things go. I always knew she was right, but it still seemed that just letting things go was not a reasonable or acceptable answer. There are a lot of crappy people out there doing unkind things to each other every day and I saw no reason why I was supposed to be okay with it.

Granted and hopefully in the majority, there are also relatively normal people just trying to get by who for whatever reason do something untoward that may not have been intended that way. I have a hard time distinguishing between these two scenarios emotionally. At the end of the day it still hurts.

Regardless of the intent or character of the offending individual, the end result is the same. Something someone else did has hurt or otherwise negatively affected me and it doesn't seem fair to say "no problem," and just move on as though nothing happened. I've always sort of operated under the assumption that people just shouldn't do mean things, damn it, and if they were going to suck then F 'em. Let them suck far away from me. (Never mind that I almost certainly do mean things to others without intending to. Or maybe I do intend to and choose to ignore this ugly truth about myself.)

This has obvious implications. It makes me a runner (someone who runs from problems) and probably a coward. It makes me a poor problem solver and probably even worse at communicating. And it just sucks because I'm handing my freedom over to anyone but myself and forcing myself to change who I am or the choices I make for lack of a better way to deal with things. But most of all it makes me so damn irritated all the time.

I've recognized this as a problem for a long time but I still haven’t come up with a workable solution. I needed a plan or at least a rule to follow when I encountered a situation in which I felt walked upon or hurt by someone I couldn’t reconcile with. I try to simply ignore stupid people and their ridiculous actions that directly affect me. I constantly try to remove myself emotionally from difficult people and situations. But I think the main problem is being able to wrap my feeble little mind around the idea that people have their own issues to deal with and I am probably the least of their concerns. (See previous post about assuming the world does not revolve around me.) Just because all signs point to malicious intent or absolute and total ignorance, it doesn't mean they woke up with the intent to be mean to me today. Or even if they did, maybe they think they have a good reason and either way what the Hell can I do about it? Or maybe they're spiteful and mean and if they tear you down then by God they are a better person in comparison.

Sigh..

It seems a hopeless battle. I refuse to forgive people for being so RIDICULOUS. On a REGULAR BASIS. It's not okay with me and I'm not going to tell them it's okay because it's not!!!

I get so. Angry. Every. Day.

It is apparent to me that I have already lost years off of my life just by being so angry with people all the time. And of course I'm not perfect and have no doubt hurt other people both intentionally and not. But hopefully most of the items in the intentional category have long since been written into history.

Finally this morning I finished reading a friend's post about accountability and one paragraph in particular struck me. Maybe I'm just looking at all of this the wrong way. Forgiveness doesn't mean it’s okay. It doesn’t mean what they did is acceptable. It doesn't mean I have to tell them I forgive them and that it's alright. It doesn’t mean I have to like them or even be friendly with them in the future. It makes no promises about what I do in the next few moments, days, weeks, or years. I’m not accepting the actions of someone else as justified or in some way deserved. I am in fact arming myself against the hurt and allowing myself to move on.

What a concept. I may actually be able to introduce this new word forgiveness into my vocabulary. And I’ll file it in the often used and positive implications section.

From The Poet's Live Journal Entry from December 13:

I mean, forgiveness is great – really all it means is finding peace with something that someone else has done so that you’re no longer hurting; it has nothing to do with the other person; that’s reconciliation and is a different essay entirely because it implies the complicity of both parties – but it does you absolutely no good if it just sets you up to get bulldozed again. Luckily most of the time people bulldoze other people because they are operating in two totally different and conflicting realities (mostly for very logical, although not always very productive, reasons), not because of any maliciousness or depravity. Sometimes it’s possible to align those realities (reconciliation), but other times – one or both parties don’t want to communicate, they don’t know how to communicate… and it’s just not possible. So what do you do? You forgive and you insulate yourself from whatever behavior the other exhibits which is out of context and hurtful in your reality, with full understanding (or as full as you can get) of why they operate the way they operate and how it really has nothing to do with you.

Thanks Lauren. I owe you another one.

Self fulfilling prophecy

If you work hard enough at finding fault, before long that's all you'll see. When you're waiting for an axe to fall on your head, the world around you will cease to matter. You will be so focused on the situation at hand that everything else fades out of relevance.

In the same breath, if you seek out light and beauty and positive ideas, you will find them everywhere you look. We choose our path whether destiny helps us along the way or not. And to direct your attitude is in effect taking your life by the reins.

Lasting moments

I had a really great conversation with a coworker the other day. I've been fortunate enough to have a handful of opportunities to share ideas with this person. The talks always seem to be completely spontaneous and definitely enriching. I never want them to end though I usually have piles of work to be done.

We began talking about career development and how setting goals has helped him to feel satisfaction in his life. And the conversation morphed into recognizing accomplishments and taking time out to really evaluate what matters, what makes an accomplishment and what doesn't. Understanding when you are recognized for something that isn't an accomplishment and choosing to believe that credit is actually due for another achievement that went unnoticed. A sort of credit exchange program in the Universe if you will.

He also took the time to reassure me of my great achievement and to encourage me. He told me stories of how people he had trouble with in the past turned out to have a lot of appreciation for him. We talked about how the bad things fade over time and it's the positive things that really stick with you. I hope he's right.

His final parting piece of advice was to have a going-away event of some type though my inclination may be to slip quietly out the back door. A luncheon or get-together however simple is important to recognize and celebrate change. I already know I'll take his advice just because he gave it to me. I have to assume he's right.

I try to soak up every bit of advice I get from those around me. People who have experienced things and who are willing to offer me some bit of what they know.

There aren't many people I'll miss when I go, but he's one of them. There seem to be so few who are above the nonsense, but rooted well into the earth. He's always kind and gentle with seemingly endless knowledge. Always sensible and humble, inquisitive and youthful. I hope to meet more people like him.

In passing

I came across an interesting collection of essays by Paul Graham that seem to address things I have been very interested in recently.

http://www.paulgraham.com/

The one that caught my attention was Do What You Love. I printed it out and have since scribbled tons of comments all over it. I love when that happens.

I've also discovered Mr. Graham has a blog. http://paulgraham.infogami.com/blog/ (Oh how I heart blogs.) And in it he has come up with a very simple, scientific way for me to approach my frustrations as of late. From his 19 April 06 entry entitled "What Drives Bloggers" I quote:

So if you want to discover things that have been overlooked till now, one really good place to look is in our blind spot: in our natural, naive belief that it's all about us. And expect to encounter ferocious opposition if you do.

Conversely, if you have to choose between two theories, prefer the one that doesn't center on you.

This principle isn't only for big ideas. It works in everyday life, too. For example, suppose you're saving a piece of cake in the fridge, and you come home one day to find your housemate has eaten it. Two possible theories:

a) Your housemate did it deliberately to upset you. He knew you were saving that piece of cake.

b) Your housemate was hungry.

I say pick b. No one knows who said "never attribute to malice what can be explained by incompetence," but it is a powerful idea. Its more general version is our answer to the Greeks:

Don't see purpose where there isn't.

Or better still, the positive version:

See randomness.

As it turns out, I have been acting in a grossly self-centered manner and it has dramatically taken away from my quality of life. This new point of view just may make my life easier. Mr. Graham, I'm so happy I found you. I believe I have decided to make you a permanent fixture in this humble space I call my blog.

A Different Christmas Poem

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.

Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

According to Urban Legends Reference Pages:

Internet-circulatd copies of this poem are often attributed to a Lt. Commander Jeff Giles SC, USN, but the International War Veterans' Poetry Archive (IWVPA) lists this poem as a December 2000 effort authored by Michael Marks and includes the following note from him about its origins:

A Soldier's Christmas was the first in this series of patriotic writings, drafted on Pearl Harbor Day 2000 when in the wake of the 2000 Presidential Election our nation saw the right of US Armed Forces personnel openly questioned and debated. I felt it unconscionable that at the onset of the Christmas season, those serving to defend our nation would hear anything but our love and support. It is our challenge to stand for their rights at home while they stand for our lives and safety overseas. This poem went out and quickly spread around the world in emails, letters, magazines. I received letters from Marines in Bosnia, soldiers in Okinawa, from a submariner who xeroxed a copy for everyone on his sub. Moms wrote, dads, brothers and sisters. I have saved and cherish every letter and set out to continue writing throughout the year.

Onomatopoeia

I wish I could make more sounds. I think it would distract people from my inability to articulate my thoughts and feelings. Or perhaps help them to more clearly interpret my moods. Sometimes when you say something people don't believe you. Maybe if you could sound it out for them... What says "F you" better than a good roar? Or announces happiness more clearly than a soft purr?

Some people have a lot of grr in them. Others are far too polite. Ever just feel like growling? I think if I were some kind of growling animal, I would do it a lot. I once pretty nearly barked at a girl during a soccer game in high school because she tackled me illegally. And it hurt! I mean, it wasn't really a bark. But it wasn't really a word either. I kind of just yelled at her. The other girls on the team were like "WTF just came out of you??" Yeah.. I don't know.

I also think I would purr a lot if in fact I could make that sound. I've tried. It comes out sounding something like rolling my Rs and whispering at the same time. But seriously, I think it would be awesome. And how beautifully subtle?

Anyway, I just think it would be easier. And fun. And a welcome change from the monotony of speaking.

I don't want to be a bachelorette

I don't like bachelorette parties and I can't quite put my finger on what the problem is. I suppose I am of two minds on this issue.

If I were friends with a group of females (yes I know, just pretend because in reality this will only happen for fleeting moments). But anyway, if I were friends with a group of females that I liked to do things with and one of us were getting married, it would be just one more excuse for a party. "Congratulations on the choices you're making!! He's so great we're so excited for you!!" This I'm okay with.

But every coin has two sides. Being who I am and not really having a group of female friends, the bachelorette parties I've experienced are dumb. "Let's celebrate your last few days of being single." It's sort of like "well, if you insist on throwing your life away we may as well throw you one last party". Why do people do this? If you love being single so much, why don't you stay that way??

The term that comes readily to mind now to describe my attitude is Grinch. I am okay with this.

I'm not a huge fan of bachelorette parties for a few reasons.

First, bachelorette is not a word. This irritates me. Of course, it's slang and we use it as a word, but the proper term would be bacheloress. It's puzzling to me why we would not use this term instead. I find it highly preferable. Perhaps too much like heiress? We can all thank Ms. Hilton for that negative connotation. Arguably, the only reason I even know about the term bacheloress is because of Wiki. So maybe I just need to disseminate.

Hey ladies, let's use bacheloress instead of bachelorette, 'kay?

Number two reason why I hate bachelorette parties. In many cases, the goal is to get the female in question intoxicated beyond any hope of recollection. Vomiting is actually a plus. "That just means she had a good time!" I beg to differ. In my world, vomiting does not equal fun. I like to drink but why should overdoing it be the central focus of the evening??

Third. I'll just lump them all into this last category; Strippers, prostitutes, and offering your friend up as a piece of meat to give her one last whatever. Duh. I hate this idea beyond any practical description. Your friend is getting married. She does not want to make out with some random guy at the bar nor see over-oiled guys taking their clothes off. And she definitely is not dreaming of living happily ever after as man, wife and STD. Yuck.

I'm not a total stick in the mud. When I go out I like to be crazy and have fun. And I'm all for girls having a party to congratulate their friend's change of status. I just think there are ways to do it, and ways not to. I can handle the games. Pin the cucumber on the hunk is dumb, but harmless. The genitalia paraphanalia isn't so bad. It's pretty much standard these days albeit completely crude. I guess I just don't like what the tradition has come to mean. It should be a celebration of finding love. Not a test of will and confidence in one's decision or kissing one's freedom goodbye as it were.

The party I attended this past weekend had exactly none of the things that make me despise bachelorette parties. The bachelorette was pregnant, so very little booze. The venue was a comedy club, not a strip club. And the girls were all pretty good company. I was exceedingly grateful for all of this but it did nothing for my foul mood. I still felt incredibly depressed and impatient about the whole thing.

It wasn't the girls, they were sweet. The bachelorette is incredibly friendly and fun to be around. There were surprisingly few of the requisite comments about what the boys must be doing. It was just kind of a downer for my mood. I guess it was just depression by association. It's difficult to break through stereotypes and past experiences.

I'm not some kind of bitter single woman still in search of Mr. Right. Nor am I of the smuggly married variety criticizing those who have not chosen my path. I just want to appreciate my single life for the precious experience it is and also to welcome my married life for the sacred union it will be.

Call me crazy, I just want a more meaningful tradition. That or maybe I just had a huge chip on my shoulder last Saturday and I just need to snap out of it.

The Jane

Everyone kept asking me "how was it?" And all I can come up with was "good, it was really good". Which is a totally lame description but I seem to have nothing more to say. It's kind of frustrating because the trip was incredible, there just aren't words to describe it. I have to try though...

My trip was completely amazing. It was everything I wanted it to be. A laid back group of people with a serious addiction to snowboarding. A challenging mountain with breathtaking views. Snowboarding to exhaustion followed by a long soak in a jacuzzi each day. Then good food and a local watering hole each night.

The nice thing about a group of guys is they can be so low key. There was the requisite teasing and jockying for big man on the mountain, but for the most part it was warm-hearted and fun. I really felt like I had nobody to impress the way it sometimes feels amidst a group of females. I just rode hard on the mountain and enjoyed the company of some really nice people at night.

Big mountain boarding is nothing like what we have on the east coast. The mountains are obviously bigger, but that's just the beginning. They have snow. Real natural snow. They have powder, something you'll rarely find in the East. And they mercifully don't often have night skiing. I say mercifully because by 4 when the lifts shut down, you are ready for a break. The crazy part about being off the mountain by 4 is getting an early start to the evening. That puts bedtime back that much earlier and being from a time zone two hours ahead, I was up by 7 or 8 and on the moutain for first run.

I have never been so sore, and never so content to sit and soak in the hot water at the end of the day.

Being so early in the season the snow wasn't the best. Not many runs open and not much fresh powder, but the little we did fine was a blast. Mary Jane/Winter Park is a must in the realm of Colorado snowboarding. I look forward to many return trips.

Thanks and best wishes are definitely owed to all that made the trip possible. I hope we can do it again soon.

Snowboarding in Colorado

There's just not much more a girl could hope for...

.. except maybe the perfect guy. But I have him too. :)

Sunday mornings are the perfect time for ridiculous low budg drama movies involving half pint pop stars and off-season teen drama actors

Yesterday was a lay around and watch tv morning. So I flick on the tube and settle in with my coffee for some 'toons or something equally productive. I watched some Discovery show about man-eating leopards for a while, but then I got bored of seeing carcasses.

And then I found it, the gold mine, Supercross: The Movie. Oh yeah.. quality. It's a teen flick about a couple of Motocross racers breaking into the Supercross scene and making it big. There's the obligatory side-plot love stories. The main character selling out but then realizing it's not worth it and coming back to win big with the help of his brother and former rival. Half pint pop star Nick Canon. And off-season Teen drama actor Sophia Bush from One Tree Hill. Oh, and also, the chick does a back flip on her bike. Sweet.

It's not like there was nothing else on. Bourne Supremacy, Batman Begins; but I've seen them already. And I was in the no thinking, just entertain me mood.

Quote of the day? "Just watch the bike scenes and tune out the porn plot." Yes, thanks guys, excellent analysis.