Thursday, January 25, 2007

Absolute genius

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Just for today

I will give thanks for my many blessings.

I will not worry.

I will not be angry.

I will do my work honestly.

I will be kind to my neighbor and every living thing.


I was in NY visiting a friend last summer and I saw this taped to the bathroom mirror. I didn't ask her if she wrote it, I probably should, but I think it's something we could all see when we look in the mirror in the morning. Make a small change just for today...

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Note to self

1) Breathe

I had to sub a 30 minute abs class for another instructor last week. I was excited, but nervous. It came off alright but was more disorganized than I would have liked. I know about 3 million ab exercises, but the transitions were choppy. Then following it I taught an unremarkable yoga class. I did alright, but there wasn't as much energy as I would have liked. I didn't get too down on myself, I have off weeks, but I knew I could do better.

I used to teach a sculpt class that I made up myself. But my yoga class is all pre-choreographed with music and everything. I feel more comfortable that way, more confident. My sculpt class was always popular, but it's nice when you don't have to worry about both delivery and content. If the content is set, you can work our your performance. Never thought of teaching group fitness as a performance, but that's what makes a good class...

This week I had to teach the abs class again. But this time it rocked!! I planned out what exercises I would use and put them in a well-designed format so there would be very little turning over onto your belly and then back or getting up and down. I think I did an awesome job.. Then my yoga class was right on point. It was smooth and energetic. Jammed room. I always do better with a really full class. I just feed off the energy. But anyway.. it helped me to remind myself that I can do this. I just need to take a breath and center myself.

2) Don't feel so small

Sometimes I think I get defensive when I feel small. Like Napoleon or something, out to prove that size doesn't matter. It's not size so much with me, but I still think I cop an attitude way more than I should. But if I could just find a little more confidence within myself I think things would go much smoother. Some lady last night got all worked up at me for not going fast enough on the beltway. I wasn't in her way, she was just mad at the world apparently. But I just kind of shrugged and didn't worry about it. It felt good not to feel so small and feel the need to defend myself.

3) Smile

I always get asked in stores whether I work there. And I think maybe it's because I smile at people. Yes, I smile, wipe that shocked look off your face.. I just feel sorry for people wandering aimlessly around a store obviously in need of some assistance, so I smile. And then they must assume I'm being paid to smile at them so they ask me questions. Strange stuff, but smiles really do help people.

4) Do more yoga

Yoga cures nearly anything that ails me these days. I always feel better after yoga. I wish I could take other people's classes more. I usually only have time for me own, and that's different. Good, but different. Last night though, I think I came really close to teaching my ideal class. It was fantastic. There was a ton of energy in the room. Every time I said something I could see everyone in the room respond.

During balance I asked them to "fill your lungs on all sides" and I could see everyone's chest rise together. Then in forward folds, "really release the shoulders feeling weight through the back of your neck to the crown of your head" and everyone just let go and dangled their arms to the floor. It was beautiful. During relaxation I could see everyone quite literally melting into the floor. It was awesome to see that kind of group energy and engagement. My goal in teaching yoga is to take everyone to the limits of their strength and flexibility and then relax them to the point where every pore forms a goosebump as the tension melts away.

I just wanted to remind myself what I'm really aiming for.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

A slight improvement

For the past few months I've been meeting with another personal trainer about once a week. We get together to work out and share training strategies and routines. Working with her has really helped my instruction and she seems to really enjoy the new ideas. One of my problems is telling people too much. They kind of overload and stop listening so I need to learn to give them small bits at a time.

Despite my improvements in training I've been in a rut lately. Not eating horribly, but not really eating well either. I don't think I've been to the grocery store in months! And I've been feeling like crap. Big surprise right? Serves me right. Training has actually cut into my own training schedule as well. I guess I work if given the opportunity where I used to take a class or lift in the past. It's strange.

This week I started making my morning shakes again. It's been great. I feel good about drinking a low fat high protein shake with lots of vitamins in it. I have energy and it tastes good. If I get food in my belly before my coffee I drink more water, I feel more energetic, and I get more things done. It's amazing what a clear head will do for you.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Enough is enough!!

I am not the lethargic person I have become and this has got to stop. I am young and energetic. I am vibrant and inspired! But my behavior as of late has been in disagreement with who I am inside.

I feel drained by my desk job and the bitter people I encounter. I feel discouraged in the face of apathy. The moment I sit down at my desk I'm finished. I feel like quitting.

Friday, January 19, 2007

I think I'm ready

When I first got to D.C. my life was crazy. I lived 2 hours from work in a tiny little apartment with three other people. I had to leave the house crazy early to beat the traffic only to find myself with two hours to kill. It didn't take long before I got a gym membership to fill the space. (Amazingly, what started as a way to pass the time has turned into a side career as a personal trainer and group fitness instructor. Crazy how that works.)

I remember running on the treadmill or climbing endlessly on the stair climber while watching the sun come up. It was encouraging to know I was up doing something with myself before the sun came up, but also depressing because I was up doing something with myself before the sun came up. (Who does that?)

Living that far from work was draining to say the least. I thought I was being an adult, getting a job, making the necessary sacrifices for a better life. I felt successful, depsite the fact that it sucked. I tore through books that year. Two hours on the train gives you a lot of time to read. I caught up with people on the phone in the car while I drove home from the train station. But I was still commuting four hours a day.

The first six months of my first "real" job were heinous. I was one miserable girl. I was doing excrutiatingly boring work for good money and great benefits a long way from home. Bad combination. The commute, the boredom, and the tight living arrangements were enough to drive me insane. But the promise of my career kept me going. Fortunately the work slowly got better and I finally moved a lot closer to work and got a much bigger house with three amazing girls who would later become my best friends.

I have to make fun of myself for molding so predictably to my new environment. I started wearing heals to work. I still get lattes from Starbucks every morning. I learned to play the part of a city girl. I was doing well.

Despite the improvements, I told myself each year would be my last. I used to put reminders in my Outlook calendar to ask myself "Why the hell are you still here?" at periodic intervals. So depressing. But I stayed, and got promoted, and worked harder, and learned more. All the while dreaming and having fun, meeting amazing people, living and experiencing life.

Don't misunderstand. This has been an amazing experience. The initial six months of learning and doing the "grunt work" on the job were to be expected. It's a great job. I've learned more than I ever thought possible and gained some invaluable experience. And it's D.C. So much to do, so many amazing people. I was fortunate to have a place to live when I first got here. And I'm grateful to have people who cared about me within reach. I grew to love the city.

It's been three years now, short by most standards. But my pre-D.C. life seems like ages ago. I think I've grown up a lot. I've definitely learned a lot and grown as a person. So of course despite my desires, the thought of leaving was bitter sweet. There are so many things here that I haven't experienced. So many places to go and restaurants to try. So much history. So many trails I haven't hiked and streams to be explored. So many people I haven't spent enough time with.

But I've also lost touch with some things along the way. Parts of myself that I'm not ready to let go of. And I want them back. I've stopped dreaming about the present. My dreams are all about the future. I've become much less generous and more unforgiving. I'm less trustful and more skeptical. I miss the kinder, gentler, freer version of myself. I barely even write anymore. I kind of drone through the work week and dread the coming of another Monday. Not ideal.

So the "bitter" in bitter-sweet has definitely faded. But the true turning point was very recent. Until then amidst all the plans to get the hell out of dodge I was sad. The mood was somber.

The other night I walked out of the gym after teaching an unremarkable yoga class. (The same gym where I got my first membership.) I looked at the skyline where I used to watch the sun rise each morning. The same skyline but for a few more high rises, and I realized I was ready to go. No longer am I sad for what I'm leaving behind. I'm ready a slower pace. Less traffic. More trees. I want my dreams back. My hopefullness back. I want to live in the moment.

It sounds like I'm retiring. But hopefully I'm just growing up. Or at least becoming much more myself. The self I know I can be. I'm going to miss everyone dearly, but I can't wait to go.

I'm glad I'm finally ready.

A twist on the ordinary

I'm not pessimistic, but not really optimistic either.

No, you're the one who says "Who the F*@# took the other half of my water?!?"

I about fell of my chair laughing. Totally something I would say. That's what you love about me... aggressive and cynical as hell..

Thursday, January 11, 2007

There will always be speedbumps

The trick is to get a little air off them as you hit them...

It has been a trying year, I must say. But I'm still here and I am a stronger more well-rounded person for it. I just wanted to say thank you to all of my friends who keep me sane when I really just want to jump off a bridge or not get out of bed in the morning.

You guys rock!

Friday, January 05, 2007

To better times ahead...

This year I want to take a moment to appreciate what I have achieved and make a resolution not to let my accomplishments fade. I want to integrate the growth and experiences of this past year into the person I am becoming. I want to weave the lessons I've learned and the moments that have touched me into the very fabric of my being.

Life brings new things each day, and the best resolution I can think to make is to take it with me.

At this time next year I hope I can look back on the things I am proud of today and smile because they are still very much a part of me. I want to build a better me by slowly filing away at my rough edges and polishing up the smooth ones.

This year I want to still be willing and able to drive all day for any occasion no matter how small. A party. A friend's birthday. Or maybe just because I have an extra day and wouldn't it be fun to go?!

This year I want to listen more to myself. It seems I'm always playing the role of my own personal life coach. My one-woman cheer section. My therapist, my planner, my own best friend. (Not to discredit all of my friends, because they are wonderful. I could not be me without them.) But in not listening to my own advice I am my own worst enemy. I need to pay attention to the voice in my head. Read what I've written. Review the things I've earmarked from others work and put myself in the right frame of mind. Create my own reality and not blindly follow what I think others have set out for me as though they had me in mind.

This year I want to hold onto my faith. My faith in the future I keep working toward. My faith in other people. My faith in myself. My faith in something bigger than myself and my own little world. I am troubled because I feel it slowly slipping away. I feel jadedness and cynicism tugging at my shirt sleeves and I don't want to let them in. So I resolve to keep my head above water and keep my eyes on the horizon of a bright new day.

This year I want to connect more with my world. I want to be more accepting and less afraid. Take the good and the bad and fight my urge to turn away.

And finally, this year I just want to keep life simple. I want to sleep under the stars more. Climb a new mountain. Learn a new way to have fun. Keep in touch with my friends. Not own so much stuff. Go snowshoeing. Meditate more. Sleep more. Laugh more. Ride my bike more. Live in the moment.

Here's to an exceptional 2007. Happy New Year everyone! May you have every happiness.

Every day is a new day. Namaste.