I am so self-concious.

I wish I could be like those girls that do whatever they want. Wear crazy clothes. Do their hair in bizarre ways. Seem to be impervious to stress and make all the guys stop and stare. But still not care about anything but fun and doing their thing..

You meet them once in a while. And you just kind of want to be them. But if you can't be them, then damnit you're gonna be their best friend. Okay, fine, you'll settle for just knowing them. Seriously strange. But a reality none-the-less.

At least for me.

Is it possible that someday I will be this girl? Or would I then just want to be someone else?

You think you know but you have no idea...

You think you know what you'll be when you grow up. Then you get to a reasonably grown-up place in your life and still have no clue what you want to be. More school sounds expensive. And so much for that 4 year degree. Maybe you should start all over, major in Human Physiology and become a doctor. Doctors seem happy.

You think you'll grow up, find a great guy, and get married. It'll be perfect! You'll sit at a coffee shop on Saturday mornings and read the paper. Chat about random acts of kindness and dream about the future. And you'll always have someone to be with.

Then someday you'll have kids. They'll be the most beautiful kids you've ever seen. Not to mention smart and athletic. And they'll adore you and you'll adore them. They'll grow up to be happy and healthy and they'll still come home on the holidays and bring their families.

Maybe it just seems like everyone else is happy and have it all figured out. Maybe they really do. Maybe they're just good at pretending. Or maybe it just wasn't meant to be. It's a nice thought though.

Like it's going out of style..

I have watched more episodes of America's Top Model in the last few weeks than anyone should ever admit to. But it's literally on all the time, episode after episode, and I get sucked in like quicksand. I would be embarrassed but I'm sort of grossly fascinated with my inability to look away. I just watched two episodes, there's one on tv right now, and another one will be on after that.

I could blame it on our cheap cable package and really not having much of a choice. But it has turned into my time to unwind after work. I suppose there's not much harm in that. Except when I can't pull myself away. I was late to yoga twice this week and got a crappy spot in the back of the room where the lights are really bright.

Great story right? If you have time, you should read it again..

Drop-kicked

You know those times when you screw up, and you realize it almost immediately, but not soon enough to fix it or take it back?

Yeah, well, I told my director I would teach a specialty class called Ski Conditioning at 9am on Friday two weeks in a row. I was all excited and had my class planned. I picked out all the music and went over it in my head. I have been talking to people who are excited about it coming up. And Tuesday night my Yoga instructor told her class it was coming up in two weeks.

Hooray! It's just a week and a half away!

This morning I got a call at 9:15 about this Ski Conditioning class I was supposed to teach. "Oh, no that's on November sec.... ond... That's today. OMG I'm going to be fired."

In all honesty I then remembered all the other things I didn't do during this week of my life that has apparently slipped into a black hole. I forgot to pay my credit card bill. And my car payment. And my gas bill. And my car insurance. So I did quite literally lose track of an entire week, but WTF?!

I immediately emailed my director apologizing and begging her not to fire me. Which is the immediate response to a "no call, no show" as she puts it. And then I called her and left her a message that I would really like to talk to her and I'm very sorry for screwing up.

I still haven't heard from her so my plan is to go to her class in the morning and try to talk to her in person. I know I'm going to cry and I hate that it was such a stupid thing and now I probably can't teach anymore.

It's so much worse than just missing a meeting at my "real" job. Because people showed up for this class and I wasn't there. I completely dropped the ball. Actually, it's like I drop kicked the ball into my director's face. I feel so guilty and disappointed in myself.

And waiting all day wondering whether I'm going to be fired is not the most fun I've had this week either.

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Update: So the outcome this morning is not quite so bleak. I went and talked to my director and she said it was alright because it was a mistake. Phew... I should go to the casinos tonight.. I'm feeling lucky.