Never a moment

I've always been in love with music. There's almost no ailment that a good song played a few hundred times can't cure. Honestly. Breakups, bad days, horrible people. There are always exceptions. But the right music can usually sooth any pain. My disposable income has always been spent on cds. And now that we are all into the digital age with full force, it's digital music from iTunes. Who knew it could be so easy?

Sometimes I feel guilty for having my little white earbuds in so often. (What a good marketing scheme, you know? You see white earbuds and you know it's an iPod. H'enyway..) Before the iPod they were little black earbuds. Headphones are a fantastic way to make guys leave you alone at the gym, btw. Easier to hit on the girl without the earbuds..

But, back to the guilt, I worry about missing out on the real world. Here I am escaping into my head, just observing the world, not really participating. I walk down the street and watch. But how much harder does it make it to interact?

It's all well and good to consider these thing, but that's not going to change the fact that I want to be plugged in 24-7. I can't help it. Music is so addictive. Soothing, exciting, calming, thrilling. Whatever you want it to be. You get to choose. You set your own mood.

And I never thought I'd say this, but having a desk job has its advantages. I listen to whatever I want all day long. I may as well be sitting at my desk at home.. All I need is the iPod to escape. Shut out the world.

In my defense, there are times when I crave the silence. Yesterday after class, I got in the car and started driving. A few minutes went by and I realized I didn't have a cd in and the radio was off. Silence. It was so quiet. But so soothing. I didn't want to hear anything. I was enjoying the silence. I had any song I wanted at my fingertips. Literally. But I was happy just as it was. Nothing. I was able to let my mind wander as I drove. It was almost like meditation. Just breathing and thinking. I think I healed a lot of little mental sores that just couldn't quite close up. A positive thought here, a decision made there, it all adds up.

So when I got home and walked in the door, I was ready. No need to unwind. I enjoyed cooking, I relaxed and ate my dinner, and I felt like I was good company for the first time in a while.

Is it the iPod? I don't think so. But sometimes the silence is the best medicine.

Maxed out

(you knew it was coming...)

Calm, cool and collected has never been a good way to describe me. I wouldn't say I'm high strung, but I'm definitely not laid back. History has proven that I take on everything I think I can handle, always keep myself busy, and don't really plan time to let myself relax. What could I possibly be getting done if I'm relaxing??

Lately this tendency has been putting me on edge. I am seriously just maxed out. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I need a little play time. I imagine this is how people approaching retirement feel. But for God's sake I've only been in the "real world" for three years. Three!

Young grasshopper, you are just beginning!

Part of the reason I'm not laid-back girl is I'm so passionate about things. I mean, everything I do has to be the best. No exceptions. Otherwise I feel like a failure. And also because I take things so seriously. Everything in my world is like an extension of me. So if you're unhappy, I assume it must be me. Not good. But I don't think about it. I just assume responsibility without considering whether I really should or not. Basically, I'm insecure as hell and if I'm not pushing as hard as I can I get self-conscious.

Most of the time, none of this is a problem. I get some serious shit accomplished! But occasionally, I really back myself into a corner. I stress myself out and behave in a way that others must think is insane. They must wonder why I'm upset. Why I'm frustrated. And the answer is, "I do it to myself". I make assumptions based on my perceptions that so often turn out to be completely inaccurate.

The strangeness really comes in when my laziness takes hold. Yes, I'm lazy. Can you be lazy and a perfectionist at the same time? I don't know. But I feel that way. Or maybe I'm burned out. I'm not sure if I can really make a distinction there. But that's really a question for another day.

The current manifestation of this over-achievement/massive-insecurity complex is, I planned my summer according to expectations that are now changing. And..oh look! Summer is gone. And half of my weekends were spent in the office. No, let me actually count.. hold on a second...

Yep, ten out of the past 19 weekends were spent at the office. And one of those? The entire memorial day weekend. Saturday, Sunday and Monday. All day.

I'm sorry, what?!

Did anyone ask me to work weekends? No. I volunteered. It was me and myself sitting here coding our hearts out. But now that things are being delayed I get a little pissed. I can't have my summer back. But who is there to be pissed at? You're lookin' at her. I can only be pissed at myself. I volunteered for this. I thought it would pay off. I thought it would be worthwhile. HEY! Look at what I made!! And maybe it has been worthwhile, but losing half my summer was not.

Not even a little bit.

The only redeeming factor here is that now? Now I know what it's like. I know more about what's important, and what's not. I know how much it means to me to see the sun shine. How good it feels to sit and read a book on a Sunday afternoon. How awesome it is to sleep in until 8am.

But is that enough to trade for my summer? I guess everything has its price. And the price for that little bit of knowledge was half of my summer.

Work is good but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you.

Here we go again.

I didn't think it was possible to love sunflower seeds this much. I got just a small bag of dry roasted, lightly salted seeds. Yes, I know, I know I'm totally not supposed to have salt. But I was starving and it was the least bad thing I could eat... And I ate every last one. My tummy is so happy.

I have to be honest. The last time I did detox I kind of did it half-heartedly. I wanted to detox, it feels so good and when you're done you have this amazing sense of accomplishment, not to mention a nice clean body. But holy hell is it hard. You have to gear yourself up for it physically and mentally. I mean, it shouldn't be that tough, but the minute you know you can't have something, it's like the Holy Grail, you would do anything to have it. And the only thing between you and that amazing taste? Is you. You are the judge, jury, executioner, and the criminal! Here, let me just inject the lethal poison into my own arm... THUD.

But this time, I want to do it right. Because the first time I did it, I went through so many amazing changes. It was earth shattering! I felt awesome. So as I was reading on line today through a bunch of different articles on detox, I realized I have been restricting my thinking too much. I'll still keep the bad foods out and the good foods in, but there are some incredibly amazing recipes I want to try!!

Generally the hardest part about the whole thing is when everyone I know gets together for food and drinks. And how often does this happen? Usually just a few times a year, once a month maybe. And then ten extra times during the two week detox period. (naturally) It totally seems like the world is revolting because it knows I'm not allowed.

So there everyone is feasting away, and here I am grilling up veggies and drinking pomegranate juice. It would be much easier if everyone else was on detox too! But that's completely unrealistic. And unfortunately, I don't have a buddy this time. I don't blame E for not wanting to do it. It's a huge sacrifice and you just have to be ready. If you're not ready you're not going to make it through and it's not worth it... It would just be cruel self punishment. Seriously, you start gagging even before you dump the clay down your throat. And psyllium? I haven't vomited it up yet, but I know it's going to happen.

But anyway, here we go again. Day 1. And already my flatulence is here with a vengeance, let me tell you...

sigh

Struggle

I know that we all do it, some of us more than others. It's just part of life. Adversity makes us stronger, gives us character. If everything were easy we'd suck as people; we'd be like spoiled children who are given everything. Regardless of the benefits though, I hate to see people struggling, especially when they feel helpless. But even more, I hate to see people who cause others to struggle, yet refuse do anything about it. There's too much of that in this world.

What if we all just gave each other a break. Just once every day. Can you imagine? That guy who got angry with me this morning for merging. What if he had given me a break? I would have had a much better morning.

I've been struggling with work. Too much going on. Too much to get done, not enough time. Too many not-so-nice people who don't understand what they're saying. It's somewhat of an appeasement to know it will all be over soon and to know that it's not just me, that others see it too. But still hard to be here now, watching my hard work take away my free time. Watching people refuse to help. Watching people confused by the effects of their actions.

And sometimes I look at them, and I remember they are people struggling just like me. Sometimes that helps.

It's silly, I know. I'm lucky as hell. This is a great job. I have an amazing boss and a great support system. This is just a stressful time, I guess.

I have a friend with a child. And she's an awesome mom. But I watch her struggle. And I hate that. She's really the most amazing mom. I'm certain I could never be the kind of mom that she is on a daily basis without even thinking. I know she's worked hard at it, but she just seems to know exactly what to say and do. And she's always striving to be better.

She's always telling me about her relationship with her little one, and it melts my heart it's just so wonderful and inspiring. So many times I get tears in my eyes just because I want that so much. I mean, my mom always knew exactly what to say when nobody else did, and she just has that.

I want so much for her to see how great she is, and how lucky her little one is to have her. I don't want her to struggle. I want her to know that part of her works like clockwork, and she never has to worry.

It takes so very little to break someone's day. But on the up-side, it's just as easy to make someone's day. I just wish for everyone to try that much harder to make someone else's day today. Just smile. Give them a break. Or tell them you care. It's so simple.

Lost, and I don't mean the show

I think I've mentioned before that my parents are big into going places and doing things. Doesn't matter what it is, as long as you're not sitting on your butt doing nothing. So when I was little they would very often pick us up from school and we'd go somewhere. Sometimes to the "city". (We called it that because it was the closest one. It was an hour away so it was usually quite an event. But we'd go with relative frequency.) Sometimes just for a drive. Maybe to some random town with some random restaurant they'd heard about. You name it. We were just always going.

So I grew up with this exploration influence. Go places just to see what's there. Drive up a road to find out where it leads. Stop in a store just to look around. Sometimes I would be bored out of my mind. But sometimes I would be really engaged; I have some really fond memories of random things my family would do.

We used to go to this random town in the middle of nowhere for a 3 gallon bucket of natural peanut butter every time we ran out. That thing would last us months! And every time we wanted to fill up the jar in the cupboard my dad would go down and mix the big bucket of it before scooping some out. My little sister and I would go sit on the stairs in the basement and watch him mix it. It was like a ritual.

I'd like to think I'm a better person because of all of the new things we were always doing. More flexible and adaptable. It used to confuse my sister. She could never understand why anyone would just randomly drive up some road. What's the point? But I think she's more adventurous now too.

But I was lamenting my exploratory spirit this morning when I got lost on my way to work. Yeah, the same job I've had for 3 years. And I've lived in the same town for 2 years! Every morning I take the same route to work. I stop at the same coffee shop. And I usually get to work at the same time. But this morning I was feeling feisty. I just thought I would change it up a bit. If I go just one more exit, then I can take that other road with the other starbucks. Hmm.. Yeah, well the road didn't lead quite where I thought. I knew about where I was, but not exactly. And I couldn't figure out how to connect where I was with where I needed to be. Doh! So I had to take the long way that I knew would work. And I got there fine. Just a lot later than I intended.

So yeah, it's dumb that I got lost on my way to work. But it was kind of fun too. I mean how often do you get the chance to sit in extra traffic? And just look at the new thing I learned. That road? Totally doesn't get me to Starbucks.

Hack

Do you ever have those moments when you wonder how the hell you got where you are? Today I swear I crossed over into the twilight zone. I needed something I thought didn't exist, and it fell right into my lap.

I've been personal training for about two weeks now. And it seems as though everything is happening all of a sudden. I've launched myself into a whole new world and there are a million different things to learn. It's awesome. I mean, terrifying and intimidating, but awesome.

One thing I noticed right off the bat was one of the other trainers. His methods are dramatically different than those of the rest of the trainers, or those of any trainer you'll ever meet for that matter. But they're good. I understand what he's doing, and I don't even have to ask, I know his methods work. He does functional core training. And I've been trying to ask people about him, trying to figure out how I was going to approach him. He's pretty quiet, kind of intimidating, and one of those people that you automatically want to please.

So today I went to a core training class they were offering at one of the gyms. On the way there I was planning to ask my manager about this guy and his methods, and where I could learn more about them. So I walk in, and guess who was teaching the class. Yep. The very trainer I wanted to learn from! My day just got a thousand times better! I don't have to play detective to get his methods, he's going to teach them to me!!

We all sit down on our mats like good little students and listen to his training. It's hands on so we're down on the floor doing all of the exercises. He pulls up all of the buff looking dudes for demos and we are all humbled by their inability to do what he's teaching. But in moments he teaches them to do things with almost perfect execution. At the end of the training he starts to talk about how amazing it is for him to teach all of us. And he opens up about how great each of us are and how wonderful it is to share. And I'm thinking, wow, this guy is awesome! Not only is he a fantastic trainer, but he's one of those people we all aspire to be. Caring, loving, attentive, intelligent, and extremely successful.

God doesn't give you what you want, he gives you what you need.

He has worked with Arnold, Pro Football teams, The UFC circuit. You name it. He's done it. But here he is training in my gym. And he's an awesome guy to boot. Wow. I'm floored. I can't wait to work his methods into my training. I'm so excited! And I guess there are going to be more of these sessions in the upcoming months.

I mean, how luck y can I be? I sign up to work in a gym and immediately am put in a position to learn from the best. How amazing. I'm so excited by all of this. I was feeling a little depressed about working so much and being uncomfortable in my new environment. But now I really think God gave me what I needed.

And oh by the way I feel like someone kicked me in the side.. my core is killing me! It's awesome!

Treadmills are still cool

When I was little, a few times a year my parents would pack my little sister and me into a car late at night. We would fall asleep watching movies or fighting with each other, and when we woke up we would be at Grandma and Grandpa's house in Indiana.

Grandma and Grandpa's house was awesome for a bunch of reasons. Frosted flakes and candy for one. Yum. My sister and I weren't allowed to eat sugar but we could sometimes get away with it with Grandpa. And Grandma always had little activities for my sister and me and all of our cousins, to do. When we were there at Christmas we made little paper wreaths, cards, and wrapped presents. She had this toy cabinet containing more crayons than any small child could ever need and those oversized coloring books that for a long time were bigger than we were. We would color for HOURS. She had blocks, puzzles, games, and stamps. In case you're wondering, rubber stamps provide endless entertainment for small children.

I have a huge extended family. Lots of Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins. So there were always a bunch of us little ones milling around entertaining ourselves. I cringe thinking about the horrible Christmas pageants we made the family sit through. But my Grandma is smart. And patient. I can't even fathom the patience we must have required. Every holiday there was a "kids" table for dinner. So we could snort milk out our noses and make farting noises to our hearts content without having to deal with our parents reprimands. (I used to think the kids table was lame, but I was unbelievably disappointed at my boredom when I once tried to sit with the adults.)

But by far the most time consuming and best loved thing about going to Grandma and Grandpa's was the basement. She had this stairway going down into the basement that made a 90 degree turn about half way down. And for years, right at the bottom of the stairs was a little 4x4 foot space, and then a treadmill where my Grandma walked in the mornings.

...oh the shenanigans.

So we would pile huge pillows at the bottom of the stairs, and dare each other to jump off the top step. We would be our only male cousin on the treadmill, and turn it on at full speed flinging him off the back into the pillow pile. After he tried it, and he lived, then we would all try it. We would be down there for hours!

"Kids..."
"shhhh!!!!!.. yeah??"
"What are you doing?"
"tee hee... nothing!!!!"
"You're not getting in trouble are you?"
"Nooo....."

Inevitably one of us would get hurt or get in trouble for something. But it was more than worth it. But what made me think of all of this was the OK Go video with the treadmill "dance". I think when we were little, we thought what we were doing was just as cool as that.

I miss that house. My grandparents moved to a new house a few years ago. I kind of feel bad for the new cousins who didn't grow up playing with us down in the basement. But I'm sure they have their own version of the basement and love Grandma and Grandpa's house just as much.

Instability

Will I always change this much? As strange as it seems to me, I'm really enjoying the fluctuations in my life. I feel off balance, but there's a certain symmetry to it. It's out of character for me. I'm rule girl. Plan girl. The one with an itinerary for life.

But I'm excited by all of the changes. I'm writing more than ever. I feel inspired and engaged. I walked out of Starbucks this morning and felt a rush. The air smelled so good, the breeze was blowing my hair, and I was on my way to work of all places. I don't want to settle into boring and predictable. I want surprises. I want a little edge. I want to be a little uncomfortable, push myself further, test my limits. Make myself do things I said I'd never do because they were too risky.

Goose bumps are popping up all over as I sit here writing. Chills are running down my spine. All I'm doing is imagining possibility. New ideas, far away places. I can feel the changes coming and I can't wait. I was waiting for my coffee and I glanced up at a sign on the wall. "Coffee of the Day - Pike's Blend" More goose bumps. Pike's Market is in Seattle. I could actually be there in the spring. Imagine that..

I'm starting to understand the motivation behind jumping from planes, climbing to the top of Everest, sailing around the world. People hurl themselves away from stability risking death and more to feel the amazing rush of something different. Discovery, adventure, a challenge. When you dare yourself to jump, that's when you learn who you really are. I'm starting to get that. I feel free yet still grounded. I'm still employed and responsible, but I love letting my hair blow in the wind. I want this to stay. I need the challenge. No more apron strings, let me make a few mistakes for a while. Let me let go.

Traveling alone

Some people say it's the only way to go. I wouldn't say only, but it's definitely significantly different than having a companion. When I travel alone the experiences takes on a whole different feel. It's more than a little bit lonely, but it's also cleansing and calming. There are few external influences that touch me on a personal level when I'm on a plane with strangers, or in my car by myself. Most new experiences only brush the surface, so contemplation and thought can continue without interruption from emotionally charged ideas or people.

When I travel alone, I think about the changes I want to make. The issues I've been dealing with, and can settle into my thoughts more than if I were having to separate the present and the past, or my own thoughts from those of others. It offers a degree of separation and stasis. It's as if it freezes time, just for a moment, so I can process and consider. It's peaceful and soothing. But it can also be earth shattering. Without the comfort of distraction or a shoulder to cry on, sooner or later I must look deep into the eyes of reality and face my fears.

Someday I may take a long trip all on my own. Visit no one, just travel and explore. For now my traveling alone experience is just the getting there part. I usually go to see people. I stay with friends or family and my activities revolve around them. I wonder if I could handle actually traveling alone, start to finish. I have often thought that hiking the entire Appalachian trail solo must be a lonely 6 months. But what an amazing experience that would be.

Always so eager to swallow an elephant, but terrified to make the first move. I should remember to just take life one bite at a time. One step. One breath.

Why I heart my iPod

Life is so much better with a soundtrack.

I think one reason I love movies is because the music brings us all so much deeper into the moment. The kiss, the final battle, the last breath. Ever watch a horror movie with the sound turned off?

That's also why I put songs in my posts. (That and I don't want to be accused of plagiarism.) They make what I'm trying to express so much more clear. And often times the song is the source of my inspiration. My hope is it will get you'll that much closer to what I'm trying to say.

The soundtrack to my life lately...

O.A.R. - One Shot
Bob Marley - Could You Be Loved
Spacehog - In the Meantime
Jack Johnson - Do You Remember
Ben Harper - Burn One Down
311 - First Straw
Sublime - What I Got
Lostprophets - Rooftops
Audioslave - Doesn't Remind Me
NIN - Ring Finger
Hinder - Lips of an Angel (even though the lyrics are awful)
Stone Sour - Bother

What's yours?? I am always eager for new music...

Revolving door

I had my last pump class last night. For those of you who know me, this is a very big deal. I love body pump. I have lived and breathed body pump for the last year and a half. For a while I was up to 4 of my own classes each week and subbing as many of everyone else's as I could. That's also why I had to drop them all, one by one, and spend hundreds of dollars in physical therapy. My body just wasn't built to pump forever.

My knee is still slowly recovering. But nothing ever happens quickly enough. I was impatient. I just couldn't bear to not squat in class. I tried to just talk the class through the leg work, but I couldn't. Everyone would rush, or be confused, or lose their form, so I would jump back in. And it was setting myself back each week, pushing my knee further than it was able to go. I thought if I cut back my knee would heal, but it needed more. So I gave them all up. I started my first pump class wondering why they wouldn't smile back at me, and left yesterday missing each and every one of their faces, my heart breaking.

A door closes.

Lucky, this past spring I learned to teach Flow. And I love flow. It's not quite the same as pump. A different energy. A good energy, but it can't fill the hole that pump has left. I have two flow classes now. And they're great classes. Prime time, big groups, fun members. I'm getting better, learning how to engage them. It's been a lot of fun.

A door opens.

Losing my last pump class also motivated me to finally pursue my personal training. I've been certified for almost exactly a year now, but have been too busy or too afraid to start training. I walked into the gym where I wanted to teach and all they wanted to know was when I could start. That was easy. Why didn't I try that sooner? I start next week. I'm so excited I can't even explain it. I'm totally nervous, but I think it's going to be great!

Door number two.

Life is all about change. I guess it's hard to remember that when all you feel is your heart breaking from the thing you're losing. But when the new doors open, how can you complain?

The depth

Seek it out. Search for meaning, even if it's not the right meaning, you will have journeyed, and traveled, and experienced something you may not have otherwise.

Forgoe hesitation. Never regret. But allow your soul to grow until it eminates from every pore. Until the very bones of your body scream with understanding. And then let it grow more still. Until you know, without a doubt, you have searched and sought and known many new things since you began your quest. And when you have come that far with a still eager lust for more, you may rest knowing that tomorrow, you can begin again. And never will you sit idly by while the world spins 'round without you. You will challenge your mind and let the world be your guide. Follow her endlessly through time, and with the utmost sincerity be truly thankful for her lessons. Never take one single moment for granted. Never believe you are owed anything. Instead, give the world every drop of your soul.