(you knew it was coming...)
Calm, cool and collected has never been a good way to describe me. I wouldn't say I'm high strung, but I'm definitely not laid back. History has proven that I take on everything I think I can handle, always keep myself busy, and don't really plan time to let myself relax. What could I possibly be getting done if I'm relaxing??
Lately this tendency has been putting me on edge. I am seriously just maxed out. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I need a little play time. I imagine this is how people approaching retirement feel. But for God's sake I've only been in the "real world" for three years. Three!
Young grasshopper, you are just beginning!
Part of the reason I'm not laid-back girl is I'm so passionate about things. I mean, everything I do has to be the best. No exceptions. Otherwise I feel like a failure. And also because I take things so seriously. Everything in my world is like an extension of me. So if you're unhappy, I assume it must be me. Not good. But I don't think about it. I just assume responsibility without considering whether I really should or not. Basically, I'm insecure as hell and if I'm not pushing as hard as I can I get self-conscious.
Most of the time, none of this is a problem. I get some serious shit accomplished! But occasionally, I really back myself into a corner. I stress myself out and behave in a way that others must think is insane. They must wonder why I'm upset. Why I'm frustrated. And the answer is, "I do it to myself". I make assumptions based on my perceptions that so often turn out to be completely inaccurate.
The strangeness really comes in when my laziness takes hold. Yes, I'm lazy. Can you be lazy and a perfectionist at the same time? I don't know. But I feel that way. Or maybe I'm burned out. I'm not sure if I can really make a distinction there. But that's really a question for another day.
The current manifestation of this over-achievement/massive-insecurity complex is, I planned my summer according to expectations that are now changing. And..oh look! Summer is gone. And half of my weekends were spent in the office. No, let me actually count.. hold on a second...
Yep, ten out of the past 19 weekends were spent at the office. And one of those? The entire memorial day weekend. Saturday, Sunday and Monday. All day.
I'm sorry, what?!
Did anyone ask me to work weekends? No. I volunteered. It was me and myself sitting here coding our hearts out. But now that things are being delayed I get a little pissed. I can't have my summer back. But who is there to be pissed at? You're lookin' at her. I can only be pissed at myself. I volunteered for this. I thought it would pay off. I thought it would be worthwhile. HEY! Look at what I made!! And maybe it has been worthwhile, but losing half my summer was not.
Not even a little bit.
The only redeeming factor here is that now? Now I know what it's like. I know more about what's important, and what's not. I know how much it means to me to see the sun shine. How good it feels to sit and read a book on a Sunday afternoon. How awesome it is to sleep in until 8am.
But is that enough to trade for my summer? I guess everything has its price. And the price for that little bit of knowledge was half of my summer.
Work is good but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you.
