There and back again

To all of you I don't get to update regularly but miss dearly..

Tuesday - Got off to a late start. It was 11:30 am before I finally got on the road. And made it all the way to... wait for it... Frederick before having to stop. Wow. Just didn't get anywhere near enough sleep in the past week. Pushed hard though and finally pulled into my grandparents 14 hours later. Phew. At least I have a day off from driving now. The truck and trailer really aren't as bad as I'd feared. Just can't cut corners and people are surprisingly considerate. Well, most people.

Wednesday - I spent the day with my grandparents and a few aunts, uncles and cousins visiting and napping. I really miss being able to see them on a regular basis. It's kind of sad now that a lot of us are "growing up". We used to automatically see each other on holidays but it's becoming more frequent to go a couple of years without catching up. How sad.. Also, my Grandfather was truly sincere when he said "Your mother knows what it's like now to have all of her children moving far away. Serves her right!" I don't think he ever quite got over her going out on her own.

Thursday - I made it past Oklahoma City, my goal for the second day of the drive. I'm in a fairly nice Super 8 for the bargain price of $56. Woo hoo!! My only goal for this evening is a shower and sleep! It rained very hard on and off throughout the day but I didn't see any of the tornados I kept hearing about. I did see the St. Louis Arch and managed a very grainy picture with my camera phone. Next stop, Flagstaff. It's funny how poor my geography (geology?? - haha..just kidding) is once you get West of the Mississippi. Sad but true. I completely forgot I would be driving through Illinois and this is the second time I've taken this particular route.. Yes, laugh, but at least I know which state the Grand Canyon is in! (You had to look it up didn't you?)

The fastest way to a girl's heart..

..is to buy her snowshoes.

I heard Tahoe got 7 ft of snow last week! And now I believe I am fully prepared.

Look at the claws!! Aren't they pretty?

My five minutes are up

In recent months I have been struggling with a certain person in my life. One who seemed intent on pushing me down for the sake of their own reputation. I knew this someone would be a problem yet I climbed aboard anyway with a big heart and loving attitude in the name of a challenge and new experiences. It went alright for a while, but slowly deteriorated into what we all feared. And before I knew it, I had spent countless hours of my own time to help the cause yet was attacked at every fork in the road.

In every instance I chose to be the better person. I took the higher road. I fought the good fight. And one day, I decided it wasn't worth it. I walked away. But still the effects bog me down. I feel angry when I should feel accomplishment. I am cynical where I ought to be excited. And worst of all, I fear that my next challenge will be tainted with the bitter taste in my mouth.

And then as if on cue, I got a little message from D.H. Lawrence. I was watching G.I. Jane and that quote used by the Master Chief on day one of SEAL training struck a chord in me.

I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough Without ever having felt sorry for itself. ~ D.H. Lawrence

In reading a bit more about D.H. Lawrence on wiki, I am pleasantly surprised that his works were characterized by issues relating to emotional health and vitality, and the dehumanizing effects of modernity and industrialization. How fitting.

I've been one pitiful creature the last few months, and I have no one to blame but myself. All this, "poor me" and "it's so unfair" nonsense. I talked about how the situation sucked and it was a good learning experience. I tried to look at it as a lesson and think of how lucky I was to have learned it in a supportive and positive environment. But it kept haunting my like a bad scary movie. I had been struggling to find a way to shake all the negativity. Some things worked, but only temporarily. So perhaps this will be the straw that broke the camel's back. No more pity party, it's time for me to get over it.

It's like the crying rule. You get five minutes. Five long minutes to cry and moan, complain and whine, but after the five minutes are up. It's done. Over. No more pity party. Just deal with it and move on.

Because I need the reminder

One final paragraph of advice: do not burn yourselves out. Be as I am - a reluctant enthusiast....a part-time crusader, a half-hearted fanatic. Save the other half of yourselves and your lives for pleasure and adventure. It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it’s still here. So get out there and hunt and fish and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, climb the mountains, bag the peaks, run the rivers, breathe deep of that yet sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for a while and contemplate the precious stillness, the lovely, mysterious, and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to the body, the body active and alive, and I promise you this much; I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those desk-bound men and women with their hearts in a safe deposit box, and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this; You will outlive the bastards.

~Edward Abbey

Right now less is more

I was thinking that maybe what I need right now is less. Less responsibility. Less stress. Less clutter. I keep applying for these jobs that would step me up the proverbial ladder a rung or two and I'm not entirely sure that's what I want. I kind of want to just chill out for a while. Get rid of this burned out feeling I can't seem to shake. I am already starting to feel the dread of more responsibility creaping into my heart and I haven't even quit my job yet!

I bought three books the other day. One on .Net, one on the ADO.net framework, and one on project management. So what is it I think I'm going to do work all day, study in the evening, and then what? Say I learn .Net and everything there is to know about project management. Do I want to be a .Net developer? Do I want to be a project manager? I'm growing increasingly
envious of my friends who leave work and play video games all evening while I go to the gym and train clients for four hours.

But there was a reason I got that second job. I needed the experience so I could get away from sitting at a desk all day and more into doing something fun like training. And I like training, but I don't know if I want to do it all day. But it would be a lot less responsibility and a lot less stress.

For the past few months I have been looking at the world through thick cynical glasses. It's like a bad dream and I can't seem to focus on anything good. May as well ditch the glasses and fumble around in the dark. It takes very little to push me over the edge. Short fuse, big bomb. I want to live on the other side of the spectrum. I want to be a ski bum. At the end of the day, nothing matters but the powder and soothing sore legs. No worries..

BASKET CASE

I wouldn't consider myself stingy. I'm usually a bit frivolous, actually. I remember feeling really embarrassed once because I hesitated to spring for a deck of cards. I was with a bunch of upperclassmen on a ski team trip in college and they all were all a bit miffed by my second thought about a $2 deck. Since then I've sort of made it a point to not let money really matter in situations like that. Now I'm like a kid who just got her allowance; money kind of burns a hole in my pocket. But with the move getting so close I've been singing a different tune.

Today I wouldn't go grocery shopping because I didn't have my shopper's club cardwith me. Normally I would have walked in anyway, but the prospect of spending approximately $7 more than I had to was too much. I'm so terrified about the move and anxious about not having enough money, it's really changed my whole outlook.

On one hand, this is good. At least my "urban survival" skills are kicking in. But on the other hand it's kind of stressful. I wish I just didn't have to worry about it. Soon enough I suppose.

Seriously, though, I'm stressed. I have dreams about crazy things happening. I'm terrified of anything and everything going wrong. I can reason with myself from now until the end of time but it really doesn't do much for my obsessive need to know what "the plan" is. And it's kind of hard to know the plan when I'm still not sure where I'm working.

I'll be so happy when I can just sit back in my couch, look out my window at Lake Tahoe, and finally know that I accomplished my goal. Until then, I'm strongly considering prozac. Or Vallium. Mmm.. Vallium!

So here's my theory.

I have this space in my head for thoughts. Sort of just a holding area where they go after I've thought them up. And when the space gets full, they all come rushing out in a flood as though the dam has just broken. Solid scientific theory, wouldn't you say?

It's weird. Sometimes I'll go for weeks without a single good thing to write. Other times I'll write five or six good things in a day. (Yes, I know good is relative.) I don't understand why it's not more consistent. I suppose like everything it cycles like a pendulum, back and forth between extremes.

But how am I supposed to have a career as a profitable writer if I can't have a decent thought for a week? That and the fact that my grammar, spelling, and punctuation are total shit. This is seriously cramping my style, you know? Ah well. I suppose I'll have to make the best of it.

Google-Fu

I was sitting on the floor of my room the other night making inappropriate comments in a birthday card about the shape of the squid on the cover, and it struck me that I didn't know how to spell phallic. I wasn't sure if it started with an 'f' or a 'ph' and are there two l's?

Since my computer has been slow and not wanting to load Internet Explorer lately, I was in a bit of a bind. I checked around for a dictionary but to no avail. WTF?!? I've become so dependent on the Internet that I can't even SPELL without it!!

What to do.. what to do...

After much persuasion and kind words to my cpu I was able to google it and find that it is indeed a 'ph' with two l's. Phew...

Don't you love how google is now a perfectly exceptable verb?

Update: Is it funny or sad that I wrote exceptable rather than acceptable? Lauren.. thank you for the correction. I baffle myself, but perhaps my error makes my point more clear. I am helpless without the Internet.

Absolute genius

Animation 1
Animation 2

Just for today

I will give thanks for my many blessings.

I will not worry.

I will not be angry.

I will do my work honestly.

I will be kind to my neighbor and every living thing.

I was in NY visiting a friend last summer and I saw this taped to the bathroom mirror. I didn't ask her if she wrote it, I probably should, but I think it's something we could all see when we look in the mirror in the morning. Make a small change just for today...

Note to self

1) Breathe

I had to sub a 30 minute abs class for another instructor last week. I was excited, but nervous. It came off alright but was more disorganized than I would have liked. I know about 3 million ab exercises, but the transitions were choppy. Then following it I taught an unremarkable yoga class. I did alright, but there wasn't as much energy as I would have liked. I didn't get too down on myself, I have off weeks, but I knew I could do better.

I used to teach a sculpt class that I made up myself. But my yoga class is all pre-choreographed with music and everything. I feel more comfortable that way, more confident. My sculpt class was always popular, but it's nice when you don't have to worry about both delivery and content. If the content is set, you can work our your performance. Never thought of teaching group fitness as a performance, but that's what makes a good class...

This week I had to teach the abs class again. But this time it rocked!! I planned out what exercises I would use and put them in a well-designed format so there would be very little turning over onto your belly and then back or getting up and down. I think I did an awesome job.. Then my yoga class was right on point. It was smooth and energetic. Jammed room. I always do better with a really full class. I just feed off the energy. But anyway.. it helped me to remind myself that I can do this. I just need to take a breath and center myself.

2) Don't feel so small

Sometimes I think I get defensive when I feel small. Like Napoleon or something, out to prove that size doesn't matter. It's not size so much with me, but I still think I cop an attitude way more than I should. But if I could just find a little more confidence within myself I think things would go much smoother. Some lady last night got all worked up at me for not going fast enough on the beltway. I wasn't in her way, she was just mad at the world apparently. But I just kind of shrugged and didn't worry about it. It felt good not to feel so small and feel the need to defend myself.

3) Smile

I always get asked in stores whether I work there. And I think maybe it's because I smile at people. Yes, I smile, wipe that shocked look off your face.. I just feel sorry for people wandering aimlessly around a store obviously in need of some assistance, so I smile. And then they must assume I'm being paid to smile at them so they ask me questions. Strange stuff, but smiles really do help people.

4) Do more yoga

Yoga cures nearly anything that ails me these days. I always feel better after yoga. I wish I could take other people's classes more. I usually only have time for me own, and that's different. Good, but different. Last night though, I think I came really close to teaching my ideal class. It was fantastic. There was a ton of energy in the room. Every time I said something I could see everyone in the room respond.

During balance I asked them to "fill your lungs on all sides" and I could see everyone's chest rise together. Then in forward folds, "really release the shoulders feeling weight through the back of your neck to the crown of your head" and everyone just let go and dangled their arms to the floor. It was beautiful. During relaxation I could see everyone quite literally melting into the floor. It was awesome to see that kind of group energy and engagement. My goal in teaching yoga is to take everyone to the limits of their strength and flexibility and then relax them to the point where every pore forms a goosebump as the tension melts away.

I just wanted to remind myself what I'm really aiming for.

A slight improvement

For the past few months I've been meeting with another personal trainer about once a week. We get together to work out and share training strategies and routines. Working with her has really helped my instruction and she seems to really enjoy the new ideas. One of my problems is telling people too much. They kind of overload and stop listening so I need to learn to give them small bits at a time.

Despite my improvements in training I've been in a rut lately. Not eating horribly, but not really eating well either. I don't think I've been to the grocery store in months! And I've been feeling like crap. Big surprise right? Serves me right. Training has actually cut into my own training schedule as well. I guess I work if given the opportunity where I used to take a class or lift in the past. It's strange.

This week I started making my morning shakes again. It's been great. I feel good about drinking a low fat high protein shake with lots of vitamins in it. I have energy and it tastes good. If I get food in my belly before my coffee I drink more water, I feel more energetic, and I get more things done. It's amazing what a clear head will do for you.

Enough is enough!!

I am not the lethargic person I have become and this has got to stop. I am young and energetic. I am vibrant and inspired! But my behavior as of late has been in disagreement with who I am inside.

I feel drained by my desk job and the bitter people I encounter. I feel discouraged in the face of apathy. The moment I sit down at my desk I'm finished. I feel like quitting.

I think I'm ready

When I first got to D.C. my life was crazy. I lived 2 hours from work in a tiny little apartment with three other people. I had to leave the house crazy early to beat the traffic only to find myself with two hours to kill. It didn't take long before I got a gym membership to fill the space. (Amazingly, what started as a way to pass the time has turned into a side career as a personal trainer and group fitness instructor. Crazy how that works.)

I remember running on the treadmill or climbing endlessly on the stair climber while watching the sun come up. It was encouraging to know I was up doing something with myself before the sun came up, but also depressing because I was up doing something with myself before the sun came up. (Who does that?)

Living that far from work was draining to say the least. I thought I was being an adult, getting a job, making the necessary sacrifices for a better life. I felt successful, depsite the fact that it sucked. I tore through books that year. Two hours on the train gives you a lot of time to read. I caught up with people on the phone in the car while I drove home from the train station. But I was still commuting four hours a day.

The first six months of my first "real" job were heinous. I was one miserable girl. I was doing excrutiatingly boring work for good money and great benefits a long way from home. Bad combination. The commute, the boredom, and the tight living arrangements were enough to drive me insane. But the promise of my career kept me going. Fortunately the work slowly got better and I finally moved a lot closer to work and got a much bigger house with three amazing girls who would later become my best friends.

I have to make fun of myself for molding so predictably to my new environment. I started wearing heals to work. I still get lattes from Starbucks every morning. I learned to play the part of a city girl. I was doing well.

Despite the improvements, I told myself each year would be my last. I used to put reminders in my Outlook calendar to ask myself "Why the hell are you still here?" at periodic intervals. So depressing. But I stayed, and got promoted, and worked harder, and learned more. All the while dreaming and having fun, meeting amazing people, living and experiencing life.

Don't misunderstand. This has been an amazing experience. The initial six months of learning and doing the "grunt work" on the job were to be expected. It's a great job. I've learned more than I ever thought possible and gained some invaluable experience. And it's D.C. So much to do, so many amazing people. I was fortunate to have a place to live when I first got here. And I'm grateful to have people who cared about me within reach. I grew to love the city.

It's been three years now, short by most standards. But my pre-D.C. life seems like ages ago. I think I've grown up a lot. I've definitely learned a lot and grown as a person. So of course despite my desires, the thought of leaving was bitter sweet. There are so many things here that I haven't experienced. So many places to go and restaurants to try. So much history. So many trails I haven't hiked and streams to be explored. So many people I haven't spent enough time with.

But I've also lost touch with some things along the way. Parts of myself that I'm not ready to let go of. And I want them back. I've stopped dreaming about the present. My dreams are all about the future. I've become much less generous and more unforgiving. I'm less trustful and more skeptical. I miss the kinder, gentler, freer version of myself. I barely even write anymore. I kind of drone through the work week and dread the coming of another Monday. Not ideal.

So the "bitter" in bitter-sweet has definitely faded. But the true turning point was very recent. Until then amidst all the plans to get the hell out of dodge I was sad. The mood was somber.

The other night I walked out of the gym after teaching an unremarkable yoga class. (The same gym where I got my first membership.) I looked at the skyline where I used to watch the sun rise each morning. The same skyline but for a few more high rises, and I realized I was ready to go. No longer am I sad for what I'm leaving behind. I'm ready a slower pace. Less traffic. More trees. I want my dreams back. My hopefullness back. I want to live in the moment.

It sounds like I'm retiring. But hopefully I'm just growing up. Or at least becoming much more myself. The self I know I can be. I'm going to miss everyone dearly, but I can't wait to go.

I'm glad I'm finally ready.

A twist on the ordinary

I'm not pessimistic, but not really optimistic either.

No, you're the one who says "Who the F*@# took the other half of my water?!?"

I about fell of my chair laughing. Totally something I would say. That's what you love about me... aggressive and cynical as hell..

There will always be speedbumps

The trick is to get a little air off them as you hit them...

It has been a trying year, I must say. But I'm still here and I am a stronger more well-rounded person for it. I just wanted to say thank you to all of my friends who keep me sane when I really just want to jump off a bridge or not get out of bed in the morning.

You guys rock!

To better times ahead...

This year I want to take a moment to appreciate what I have achieved and make a resolution not to let my accomplishments fade. I want to integrate the growth and experiences of this past year into the person I am becoming. I want to weave the lessons I've learned and the moments that have touched me into the very fabric of my being.

Life brings new things each day, and the best resolution I can think to make is to take it with me.

At this time next year I hope I can look back on the things I am proud of today and smile because they are still very much a part of me. I want to build a better me by slowly filing away at my rough edges and polishing up the smooth ones.

This year I want to still be willing and able to drive all day for any occasion no matter how small. A party. A friend's birthday. Or maybe just because I have an extra day and wouldn't it be fun to go?!

This year I want to listen more to myself. It seems I'm always playing the role of my own personal life coach. My one-woman cheer section. My therapist, my planner, my own best friend. (Not to discredit all of my friends, because they are wonderful. I could not be me without them.) But in not listening to my own advice I am my own worst enemy. I need to pay attention to the voice in my head. Read what I've written. Review the things I've earmarked from others work and put myself in the right frame of mind. Create my own reality and not blindly follow what I think others have set out for me as though they had me in mind.

This year I want to hold onto my faith. My faith in the future I keep working toward. My faith in other people. My faith in myself. My faith in something bigger than myself and my own little world. I am troubled because I feel it slowly slipping away. I feel jadedness and cynicism tugging at my shirt sleeves and I don't want to let them in. So I resolve to keep my head above water and keep my eyes on the horizon of a bright new day.

This year I want to connect more with my world. I want to be more accepting and less afraid. Take the good and the bad and fight my urge to turn away.

And finally, this year I just want to keep life simple. I want to sleep under the stars more. Climb a new mountain. Learn a new way to have fun. Keep in touch with my friends. Not own so much stuff. Go snowshoeing. Meditate more. Sleep more. Laugh more. Ride my bike more. Live in the moment.

Here's to an exceptional 2007. Happy New Year everyone! May you have every happiness.

Every day is a new day. Namaste.

A good judge of character

You can tell what kind of person your newscaster is by how they report about the snowstorm in Denver this week. If they talk about how lucky those Colorado residents are, you know they're a winter fan and a damn good person. Or if they spin the storm negatively you know you have to find a new news station.

I really, really wish we could have some more snow this winter. It's been unseasonably warm. We had a gorgeous fall and apparently Mother Nature liked it so much she decided to extend it in lieu of Winter this year. I did see snow once (outside of Colorado). We had a miniature snowstorm that lasted a few minutes a couple of weeks ago. Nothing stuck but it made my heart ache for a real winter.

Earlier this week I was sitting on the bank of the river at the bottom of the rock I was about to climb. S2H was clinging to the rock while I belayed him up the route. It was surreal because the water was crystal clear. And the heat of the 70 degree day was funneling down through the gorge. But with the cold water there would be short bits of cold air mixed in with the warm breaze. It was an amazing day, but bitter sweet because in a perfect world on a late December day we would be wearing snowshoes.

What I wouldn't give to shovel the walkway. To battle snow drifting across the road as I drive white-knuckled to work. To bundle up in my long coat and come indoors with rosey cheeks knocking the snow from my boots. I've been flipping through pictures of Denver that people have sent in to TheDenverChannel.com and it helps a little. At least to remind myself winter isn't gone forever. It's just not here right now. And would I please leave a message for when she finally decides to return.

I can't wait to move somewhere more me-friendly. This place just doesn't fit my needs. Even the bugs in Denver are ready for winter...

What forgiveness really is

My mom always told me I was unforgiving and that I needed to learn to let things go. I always knew she was right, but it still seemed that just letting things go was not a reasonable or acceptable answer. There are a lot of crappy people out there doing unkind things to each other every day and I saw no reason why I was supposed to be okay with it.

Granted and hopefully in the majority, there are also relatively normal people just trying to get by who for whatever reason do something untoward that may not have been intended that way. I have a hard time distinguishing between these two scenarios emotionally. At the end of the day it still hurts.

Regardless of the intent or character of the offending individual, the end result is the same. Something someone else did has hurt or otherwise negatively affected me and it doesn't seem fair to say "no problem," and just move on as though nothing happened. I've always sort of operated under the assumption that people just shouldn't do mean things, damn it, and if they were going to suck then F 'em. Let them suck far away from me. (Never mind that I almost certainly do mean things to others without intending to. Or maybe I do intend to and choose to ignore this ugly truth about myself.)

This has obvious implications. It makes me a runner (someone who runs from problems) and probably a coward. It makes me a poor problem solver and probably even worse at communicating. And it just sucks because I'm handing my freedom over to anyone but myself and forcing myself to change who I am or the choices I make for lack of a better way to deal with things. But most of all it makes me so damn irritated all the time.

I've recognized this as a problem for a long time but I still haven’t come up with a workable solution. I needed a plan or at least a rule to follow when I encountered a situation in which I felt walked upon or hurt by someone I couldn’t reconcile with. I try to simply ignore stupid people and their ridiculous actions that directly affect me. I constantly try to remove myself emotionally from difficult people and situations. But I think the main problem is being able to wrap my feeble little mind around the idea that people have their own issues to deal with and I am probably the least of their concerns. (See previous post about assuming the world does not revolve around me.) Just because all signs point to malicious intent or absolute and total ignorance, it doesn't mean they woke up with the intent to be mean to me today. Or even if they did, maybe they think they have a good reason and either way what the Hell can I do about it? Or maybe they're spiteful and mean and if they tear you down then by God they are a better person in comparison.

Sigh..

It seems a hopeless battle. I refuse to forgive people for being so RIDICULOUS. On a REGULAR BASIS. It's not okay with me and I'm not going to tell them it's okay because it's not!!!

I get so. Angry. Every. Day.

It is apparent to me that I have already lost years off of my life just by being so angry with people all the time. And of course I'm not perfect and have no doubt hurt other people both intentionally and not. But hopefully most of the items in the intentional category have long since been written into history.

Finally this morning I finished reading a friend's post about accountability and one paragraph in particular struck me. Maybe I'm just looking at all of this the wrong way. Forgiveness doesn't mean it’s okay. It doesn’t mean what they did is acceptable. It doesn't mean I have to tell them I forgive them and that it's alright. It doesn’t mean I have to like them or even be friendly with them in the future. It makes no promises about what I do in the next few moments, days, weeks, or years. I’m not accepting the actions of someone else as justified or in some way deserved. I am in fact arming myself against the hurt and allowing myself to move on.

What a concept. I may actually be able to introduce this new word forgiveness into my vocabulary. And I’ll file it in the often used and positive implications section.

From The Poet's Live Journal Entry from December 13:

I mean, forgiveness is great – really all it means is finding peace with something that someone else has done so that you’re no longer hurting; it has nothing to do with the other person; that’s reconciliation and is a different essay entirely because it implies the complicity of both parties – but it does you absolutely no good if it just sets you up to get bulldozed again. Luckily most of the time people bulldoze other people because they are operating in two totally different and conflicting realities (mostly for very logical, although not always very productive, reasons), not because of any maliciousness or depravity. Sometimes it’s possible to align those realities (reconciliation), but other times – one or both parties don’t want to communicate, they don’t know how to communicate… and it’s just not possible. So what do you do? You forgive and you insulate yourself from whatever behavior the other exhibits which is out of context and hurtful in your reality, with full understanding (or as full as you can get) of why they operate the way they operate and how it really has nothing to do with you.

Thanks Lauren. I owe you another one.

Self fulfilling prophecy

If you work hard enough at finding fault, before long that's all you'll see. When you're waiting for an axe to fall on your head, the world around you will cease to matter. You will be so focused on the situation at hand that everything else fades out of relevance.

In the same breath, if you seek out light and beauty and positive ideas, you will find them everywhere you look. We choose our path whether destiny helps us along the way or not. And to direct your attitude is in effect taking your life by the reins.