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GUSH!

If I had only one word to describe my emotion right now, that would be it. I spent the entire weekend in BodyFlow Instructor Training, all day Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I've been waiting for more than a year to get this certification. It was always too far away or in conflict with something else I had to do. BodyFlow is Tai Chi, Yoga and Pilates all rolled into a life changing hour of.. what exactly? Stress relief, strengthening, stretching, breathing, balance, centering, focus, relaxation, meditation. It's so much. But even more than that, it's whatever you need it to be. If you had a rough day, and just need a little focus, it gives you focus. If you are about to pop from the stress and just want a break, it takes all the pain away. If you want to work and be sore, it will kick your ass. If you just need to connect, you'll find a room full of others moving with you. If you want to be alone, you can be in your own little space. If you just don't know what the hell you want, it gives you a fresh outlook. Did I mention I love BodyFlow?

To make the weekend even more perfect I had an amazing instructor M. She's a local instructor that I've subbed for quite a few times but never met. But I knew the minute I met her that I would love her. All master trainers seem to have that spark of excitement and expertise and fun that makes you want to be their best friend. But M is special to me because she's from D.C. And being so close I'll be lucky enough to continue to interact with her as a fellow BodyFlow instructor.

The group I was with was fantastic as well. In general fitness instructors are cool people. They're energetic and happy and in shape especially during training like this weekend because they're all there to learn. But these women blew me away! There were so many different personalities but, with the exception of M and me, they all knew each other and had a very apparent bond. They accepted the two of us as though they'd known us forever. It was such a great experience. Both M and me are planning to go back when they release Flow in their club.

I came away with so much more than just Flow training. After just three days there was so much emotion in the room. We were all discovering things about ourselves, pushing our limits, tearing through mental and physical barriers and getting that much closer to being the person that each of us strives to be. I've never been so happy to be so utterly worn out. They say it's not until you feel everything that you can finally understand how to be yourself. When you physically feel every muscle ache you come to a point where you can't hold on anymore. You have to let go of whatever it is you hold onto, and then you're left with just you. It's amazing the things you discover about yourself that you never knew you always had within you.

It's completely ridiculous to hear myself say it and to feel the emotion well up within me. But you have to literally fall apart to realize, everything you always wanted is right there. It's inside of you. It's been there all along. You may not remember the next day, or even in ten minutes. But for that time, however brief, you feel connected to the universe and the energy around you. And you realize, everything is as it should be.

I want so much to be able to give that experience to others. To let them experience the tingling in their bodies, and the peace in their hearts. I get goose bumps just thinking about it.

Thank you M. Namaste.

Out with a bang!

Day 15 - Detox is OVER!!! And to celebrate I made dinner for ER and myself. It's also St. Patty's Day and she's Irish, so I decided on filet mignon. May as well do things right. I left work to hit up the grocery store. Three hours and five stores later I had finally gathered all of the necessary supplies. I'm telling you, I don't screw around. I got a cast-iron pan, garlic press, tongs, asparagus, a meat thermometer, wine, herb rice, and a handful of other things. I swear I made the most delicious pan seared filet you have ever tasted in your life. Granted, this is the first red meat I've had in three weeks. But it was really amazing. And on top of it, this was my first shot at cooking any kind of red meat that doesn't come in ground form. I'm so proud of myself.

Also, ER says I'm the best date EVER! I'm like, "I know!"

So fourteen days and I have a new, freshly flushed body. Honestly, I'm a little disappointed. I thought there would be much to write about. Much to learn. Wacky symptoms, terrible cravings, amazing realizations. But it was almost too easy.

Half way through I thought to myself that detox had been cake so far. Well, a non-sugar, no flour, no eggs kind of cake.. But literally so easy that I wondered what I was leaving out. I did fall victim to some minor indiscretions. One night I dipped two of my peices of sushi in soy sauce. GASP! It was too much to resist. And I unintentionally ate a can of lentil soup that had tomato paste in it. And I never did cut out vinegar, but for the most part I had been strictly following the diet. And I hadn't even experienced any symptoms.

That same day one of the expected symptoms finally did surface. The best one. Gas. All of the fiber had finally gotten rid of most of my intestinal bacteria. The good news? It was a friday so my co-workers wouldn't have to put up with it over the weekend. But the bad news was I would have to put up with it. GOSH! But I am glad to be seeing some symptoms. I can't believe I'm saying this.

So I'm disappointed. But it's over! And still good for me even though it wasn't as hard as I expected.

You want me to what?

My boss was out on friday. He had a dentist appointment in the morning and then he was going to visit his in-laws. He called just before his appointment and said he had something to talk to me about. "This can't be good," I thought to myself. But then again, he wouldn't give me bad news on the phone would he? Well, just before 'the news' he got another call and had to go. I hate it when that happens. But I convinced myself it couldn't be bad news, he'd deliver that in person.

So noon rolls around and I step out for lunch. When I get back I've missed his call. UGH! I call him back and he's back to the "do you have a minute to talk about something?" Maybe this is a big deal.

I got offered a promotion.

Wow, that's great. An awesome opporunity, more visibility, tons more responsibility, and more money. So I should be happy. The hang up is I was all ready to move out to Tahoe. I was going to leave at the end of April when my lease is up.

My initial reaction was disappointment. Why is this happening? I had all these plans. And then my first rational thought was that I had to stay. But what about S2H. He was moving to Tahoe also. I can't just make a decision without talking to him, it wouldn't be fair. So I told him and headed home to visit my parents for the weekend. I hoped he'd take some time to think it over.

If I stay another year this job will be really good for my resume. Hopefully the experience will also build the confidence in my abilities that I seem to be lacking. I'll be able to do some things in D.C. I haven't done yet like take sailing lessons in Annapolis. Hike some trails I haven't tackled yet. I've barely done any of the AT and I live right next to it! Get some practice kayaking at Great Falls. Spend more time with the people here I've gotten close to recently. (I'm really going to miss a few awesome people.) Drop money into my IRA that would otherwise go to moving expenses. Take advantage of the relationship I've built with my gym and get some experience as a personal trainer. I got my cert back in September and haven't used it yet. Take my Body Flow cert and start widening my scope as an instructor. Take advantage of my awesome insurance, get some dental work done, have my knees looked at. Do some of the other random things I've been kicking myself for not doing before leaving D.C. Actually take a trip out to Tahoe and check it out before I pack up a truck and just move there. And generally just be more prepared when I actually do leave in a year.

If I go right now I'm not having the greatest luck with job leads so I may not be making the greatest career move. If anything it might be a demotion. I'm getting to the point where I should probably give a little thought to career management. Step away from the whatever I can find mindset. I'll be a little more strapped for cash than I wanted to be. It will basically be a crap shoot because I haven't visited or even done much research on the area. I don't know what gyms are there. I have no idea what parts of town I'll want to live in. Just a bunch of big unknowns. But I will get to satisfy my huge wanderlust craving.

By the time Sunday night came, I had pretty much decided for myself that staying would be the best thing to do. A year isn't that long, just have to make sure that year doesn't turn into two, and then three.

S2H and I sat down and talked about it for a while. Rationally going through each pro and con. He agreed he didn't want a year to turn into more than that. But that one more year here would probably be good for us for all of the reasons I mentioned. So it was decided. That was a very bitter-sweet and melancholy conversation.

This morning in the shower I almost cried. I felt a helpless, depressed tightness in my chest. I felt empty and alone. This was one of the toughest decisions I can ever remember making. The facts are clear-cut. But my heart is screaming for me not to listen. I didn't think I could really tell my boss I would stay.

It feels like I'm getting sucked in to the comatose mindset of contentedness. Anti-change. Safety. They'll always offer more money. If you can't say no now, you never will. I feel like hiding my face. Like someone is going to accuse me of being a coward. "You're turning your back on your dreams," they'll say.

I never thought a promotion would be this hard to swallow.

Ooh ee, ooh ah ah...

I happen to be extremely lucky in that both of my parents are Chiropractors. It's a beautiful thing. No back pain, and pretty much no other pain either. You'd be surprised what kinds of problems a knowledgeble chiropracter can solve. In addition to manipulation my mom is really into nutrition. She's great with allergies and knowing which vitamins are going to help with what.

This past weekend I made the trip up to NY for a visit. ROAD TRIP!! I love road trips. And I love visiting my parents. Not just because they fix my various maladies, they're also very cool people. How do you think I got this cool?! :)

So my mom is doing her thing and she tells me the knee pain I've been having is nutritional and directly related to my pancreas.

"My wha..?? My knee pain is nutritional??"

Yeah, I don't get it either. But that's what my body is telling her. Works for me. That's good news too because that means my knees might be fixable without surgery! SWEET.

So I have all kinds of vitamins to add to my detox that are supposed to fix this pancreas issue, which is supposed to fix my knee issues. Could it really be this simple?? I sure hope so.

THANKS MOM!!

Don't count your chickens...

Detox - Day 1

I stayed up late getting all the detox prep work done, but that's typical. So I'm a little sleepy today, but not bad considering I'm completely off the caffeine. It's decaf green tea from here on out. The shakes aren't as bad as I remember. The clay defintely made me gag. But I think my head is really in it this time. The weekend might be tough but I'm going home so I can let my mom cook :). Yay for mom's cooking. She said she's all stocked up on frozen fruit for shakes.

Also, thank God ER is hip to the detox. I bought some veggie juice thinking it would be a good "legal" afternoon treat. So as I'm packing my lunch she says "You can't drink that! It has peppers and tomatoes in it!" Huge blunder. Thanks for catching that one E. But the next blunder might be intentional so keep your eye out!

So far so good...

I'm a dick, I'm addicted to you..

I have this small, insignificant, minor, teensy-weensy, tiny little addiction to coffee. I freaking love it! Which is funny because I never used to like it and never had any desire to drink it until a couple of years ago. It was summertime and I had been pushing pretty hard at work for a few weeks, not getting enough sleep, and walking around like a zombie, so I finally broke down and got some coffee to make it through the day. Starbucks *just happened* to be the nearest coffee shop. As though they're not on every street corner. I ordered a large coffee. "Venti Drip"?? Sure, whatever. It was terrible. Bitter and scorching hot. No amount of cream or sugar could have made it better.

And of course I didn't just get a normal amount of sleep. I kept pushing it. So I finally figured out what the hell all of those gourmet drinks on the menu are, and I was introduced to my first latte. Let the angels rejoice! All the caffeine, but mostly just warm milk. Yum. That's all it took, I was hooked. Since then? Pretty much a consistent stop at Starbucks every morning. It's heavenly. I love Starbucks. Not so much the prices, but pretty much everything else.

Heh.

I first quit drinking coffee during Detox Round 1. I wanted to do it. I don't particularly like being addicted to coffee, or anything else for that matter. Coffee stains your teeth, it's expensive, not really good for you, and I think it makes me sleepier in the morning. It wasn't too difficult. Green tea for a couple of weeks and I was good. That lasted probably two months. And so follows the story of my reclamation.

I walked into the coffee shop before work one morning for the first time in a couple of months. I can't remember if I was tired or what. It was a gorgeous cool spring morning, the air felt good and the sun was warm. When I stepped through the door I could smell the coffee and I saw "the barrista".

Right. So there's this barrista. He's the stereotypical coffee shop guy. Not overly attractive, messy hair (when it's not bic'ed off), piercings, trendy glasses, and he always knows what I want to order. (Never mind that he knows what everybody wants to order.) He's the type of guy you imagine sitting in the park wearing all black, hunched over a sketchbook, the fingers in one hand running through his hair, a pencil nub and half-burned cigarette in the other hand scratching away at poetry or a drawing. I imagine he thinks very pensive thoughts about very deep things. It's not really about the barrista, just that image, that feeling. Sort of like the coffee shop would somehow be incomplete without him there. He's just part of the whole experience.

Regardless, it just felt so comforting and familiar. I didn't realize how much I missed it. I didn't intend to start drinking coffee every morning again. But it felt so nice and it stimulated all kinds of emotion in me. It really made me happy. It made me shiver with delight and I got goose bumps on my arms and up the back of my neck.

...

So since it's taper week I've been substituting green tea. It's been three days since my last cup of coffee.