My boss was out on friday. He had a dentist appointment in the morning and then he was going to visit his in-laws. He called just before his appointment and said he had something to talk to me about. "This can't be good," I thought to myself. But then again, he wouldn't give me bad news on the phone would he? Well, just before 'the news' he got another call and had to go. I hate it when that happens. But I convinced myself it couldn't be bad news, he'd deliver that in person.
So noon rolls around and I step out for lunch. When I get back I've missed his call. UGH! I call him back and he's back to the "do you have a minute to talk about something?" Maybe this is a big deal.
I got offered a promotion.
Wow, that's great. An awesome opporunity, more visibility, tons more responsibility, and more money. So I should be happy. The hang up is I was all ready to move out to Tahoe. I was going to leave at the end of April when my lease is up.
My initial reaction was disappointment. Why is this happening? I had all these plans. And then my first rational thought was that I had to stay. But what about S2H. He was moving to Tahoe also. I can't just make a decision without talking to him, it wouldn't be fair. So I told him and headed home to visit my parents for the weekend. I hoped he'd take some time to think it over.
If I stay another year this job will be really good for my resume. Hopefully the experience will also build the confidence in my abilities that I seem to be lacking. I'll be able to do some things in D.C. I haven't done yet like take sailing lessons in Annapolis. Hike some trails I haven't tackled yet. I've barely done any of the AT and I live right next to it! Get some practice kayaking at Great Falls. Spend more time with the people here I've gotten close to recently. (I'm really going to miss a few awesome people.) Drop money into my IRA that would otherwise go to moving expenses. Take advantage of the relationship I've built with my gym and get some experience as a personal trainer. I got my cert back in September and haven't used it yet. Take my Body Flow cert and start widening my scope as an instructor. Take advantage of my awesome insurance, get some dental work done, have my knees looked at. Do some of the other random things I've been kicking myself for not doing before leaving D.C. Actually take a trip out to Tahoe and check it out before I pack up a truck and just move there. And generally just be more prepared when I actually do leave in a year.
If I go right now I'm not having the greatest luck with job leads so I may not be making the greatest career move. If anything it might be a demotion. I'm getting to the point where I should probably give a little thought to career management. Step away from the whatever I can find mindset. I'll be a little more strapped for cash than I wanted to be. It will basically be a crap shoot because I haven't visited or even done much research on the area. I don't know what gyms are there. I have no idea what parts of town I'll want to live in. Just a bunch of big unknowns. But I will get to satisfy my huge wanderlust craving.
By the time Sunday night came, I had pretty much decided for myself that staying would be the best thing to do. A year isn't that long, just have to make sure that year doesn't turn into two, and then three.
S2H and I sat down and talked about it for a while. Rationally going through each pro and con. He agreed he didn't want a year to turn into more than that. But that one more year here would probably be good for us for all of the reasons I mentioned. So it was decided. That was a very bitter-sweet and melancholy conversation.
This morning in the shower I almost cried. I felt a helpless, depressed tightness in my chest. I felt empty and alone. This was one of the toughest decisions I can ever remember making. The facts are clear-cut. But my heart is screaming for me not to listen. I didn't think I could really tell my boss I would stay.
It feels like I'm getting sucked in to the comatose mindset of contentedness. Anti-change. Safety. They'll always offer more money. If you can't say no now, you never will. I feel like hiding my face. Like someone is going to accuse me of being a coward. "You're turning your back on your dreams," they'll say.
I never thought a promotion would be this hard to swallow.
