The end is so near, and I can't wait. This project seems like it will consume my entire life. But I won't let it! I took off the entire weekend this past weekend. The entire thing!!
I won't lie, it was tough. I felt guilty for not going in. I felt like I should be there. But I fought the urge and stayed home.
It's almost more tiring and discouraging to stay away. But in a different way. To come in and work and never take a break makes me feel like I need time to just relax and do nothing. To rest and recover from all of the concentration. But to stay away makes me feel as though the work will pile up so high I'll never catch up and sooner or later it will all just cave in and bury me forever.
Which is better? I don't know.
I'm almost done but I still don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Instead of encouraged I feel unmotivated and depressed. I want to feel as though I've accomplished something, but the stress has taken so much out of me.
click-click-click There's no place like the Caribbean... click-click-click There's no place like the Caribbean...
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
43 things
It's been too long. I've been writing, just not posting. I looked down through all of the un-posted drafts just floating there, and I just posted them. This one and this one got buried because I posted them all at the time they were written, but the rest are all right here. I don't know why I wasn't posting. Just haven't really been in a good place lately I guess. Who knows.
But I'm here now. Alive and well, happy and healthy.
I re-discovered this site where you can collect your list of things. 43 Things in fact. What a wonderful idea; to compile your hopes and dreams, thoughts and lessons, and share them with the world.
Motivate yourself and share your energy with us. What are your goals? Make them a reality.
But I'm here now. Alive and well, happy and healthy.
I re-discovered this site where you can collect your list of things. 43 Things in fact. What a wonderful idea; to compile your hopes and dreams, thoughts and lessons, and share them with the world.
Motivate yourself and share your energy with us. What are your goals? Make them a reality.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Moments to live for
Like the magic of watching the darkest storm engulfing the earth. Feeling the deepest love swelling in your chest. Sitting on the deck of a sailboat floating amidst caribbean islands staring off into the world. Being lost in the moment of your dreams coming true. The tingling sensation in your scalp in hearing the song that explains your thoughts to the world allowing you to sit in silence. Being held in an embrace that heals all wounds and sooths all hurt. The quiet justice of knowing you did the right thing and realizing that's all you need. Peace starting in the center of your being and radiating out to the very corners of you.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Trying too hard
The dilemma of souls. Pitfall of the diligent. The ellusive secret of the enlightened. The cup of life. The fountain of youth.
I work so hard to try to fix things I forget to just be. I forget to relax. I am so caught up in trying I forget that sometimes it's the freedom that solves problems. Freedom for your mind to contemplate in the comfort of its subconcious. Freedom of your soul to laugh and heal its wounds. Freedom of your body to let all the tension melt away.
I could worry myself out of love. I could work my way out of a job. I could fret myself into a persistent state of madness. But if I let go? I could be my way into a life I adore.
I work so hard to try to fix things I forget to just be. I forget to relax. I am so caught up in trying I forget that sometimes it's the freedom that solves problems. Freedom for your mind to contemplate in the comfort of its subconcious. Freedom of your soul to laugh and heal its wounds. Freedom of your body to let all the tension melt away.
I could worry myself out of love. I could work my way out of a job. I could fret myself into a persistent state of madness. But if I let go? I could be my way into a life I adore.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Try to relax...
Try to relax? Isn't that an oxymoron? Quite. But I quite often have to work at relaxing.
Oh you didn't know I was a raging lunatic who exploded at the slightest event? Of course you did.. if you know anything about me at all. I'm crazy. Certifiable maybe. But I'm trying. I'm trying really, really hard to relax.
It's bad because I see it coming. I see the mercury rising. I see the gauge topping out. But it all happens so quickly, and before I know it I've boiled over and it happens much too quickly to pull the emergency cable. And then afterward I have to work myself out of my fit and try to reason through what exactly happened.
Sometimes I can stop myself before all hell breaks loose. Sometimes I have to tell myself I don't care. But then I stop caring and that's not good either.
Sometimes I can just breathe. Deep, slow breaths in and out.
And Yoga. I like yoga. I teach it twice a week. That helps.
Also? I'm moving. Ever so far away from this city whose inhabitants seem so intent on digging into my skin. Not the ones I know (before anyone starts to wonder whether I'm talking about them). The ones I don't know are the really prickly ones. This city where prestige rules and passive aggression is the surest way to success. I just can't handle it. I can't be passive at anything. I'm right up in your face I HATE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT girl. That, or I just quit.
I'm a quitter. sigh.. I'm trying to stop doing that too.
I want people to have positive things to say about me. And right now? I wouldn't blame anyone for not being able to come up with anything nice to say.
She's.. well, she sometimes.. and.. oh I know! She uh..
Yeah. I know. Me too.
So what, do I need therapy? Professional help? Do I need a self-help book? What do I need?
Oh you didn't know I was a raging lunatic who exploded at the slightest event? Of course you did.. if you know anything about me at all. I'm crazy. Certifiable maybe. But I'm trying. I'm trying really, really hard to relax.
It's bad because I see it coming. I see the mercury rising. I see the gauge topping out. But it all happens so quickly, and before I know it I've boiled over and it happens much too quickly to pull the emergency cable. And then afterward I have to work myself out of my fit and try to reason through what exactly happened.
Sometimes I can stop myself before all hell breaks loose. Sometimes I have to tell myself I don't care. But then I stop caring and that's not good either.
Sometimes I can just breathe. Deep, slow breaths in and out.
And Yoga. I like yoga. I teach it twice a week. That helps.
Also? I'm moving. Ever so far away from this city whose inhabitants seem so intent on digging into my skin. Not the ones I know (before anyone starts to wonder whether I'm talking about them). The ones I don't know are the really prickly ones. This city where prestige rules and passive aggression is the surest way to success. I just can't handle it. I can't be passive at anything. I'm right up in your face I HATE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT girl. That, or I just quit.
I'm a quitter. sigh.. I'm trying to stop doing that too.
I want people to have positive things to say about me. And right now? I wouldn't blame anyone for not being able to come up with anything nice to say.
She's.. well, she sometimes.. and.. oh I know! She uh..
Yeah. I know. Me too.
So what, do I need therapy? Professional help? Do I need a self-help book? What do I need?
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Pose like you mean it...
I always see these chicks walking into the gym with their four inch heals, cute little suits, hair all pulled back in very professional (read: stuck-up) looking styles and fashionable glasses. And I wonder.. what exactly is it they're here for? Because someone like that would never get sweaty..
It's certainly judgmental of me, but how can I not wonder about these things? They have time to look that put-together and work out? No way.. I mean, I work out but no way do I ever look that good at my "real" job. (Well, that's due mostly to my lacking sense of style and my refusal to spend more than $100 on any item of clothing. Okay, fine, $50.)
Just yesterday I passed one of these suit girls in the locker room and all of the preceding thoughts ran through my head. But then I see the same girl in my Flow class sweating her butt off during standing strength with everybody else, and I'm like "huh, check it out. I would totally be friends with that girl." Girl in suit? Not so much. Girl in yoga class looking like every other normal girl out there? Totally.
And it occurs to me.. they're business professionals by day, and totally cool girl-next-door chicks by night. Awesome! Go them!! I can totally support their cause. I mean, birkenstocks are comfy and all, but not so much accepted in the workplace. And they definitely never belong in the same sentence as promotion unless you work for REI.
But it's exciting because I always struggle to relate to people. I see all of these women in the gym, and I see all of these women in the workplace. But lo and behold, these are the same women. And they're doing their thing, being who they are, and still conforming (as far as society knows) to all of these business customs. Just. Like. Me. And it's not the suits necessarily. They just represent this group of people that seem foreign to me, even though I can probably easily be lumped right in with them.
No need to fear or avoid them just because I don't understand. (Life would be so much easier if I could remember this.)
I do that. I avoid people because I worry that they won't like me. Or I worry that I might be bothering them. I know it's dumb. When's the last time someone saying "hi, how are you?" bothered me? Never. I even avoid people I know very well when things become scary.
Conflict?! OH NO! RUN!
Duh. I'm dumb. But it's unintentional. I just have some social anxiety issues. So it's encouraging when I can relate more to the world around me. Maybe there's hope for me after all.
It's certainly judgmental of me, but how can I not wonder about these things? They have time to look that put-together and work out? No way.. I mean, I work out but no way do I ever look that good at my "real" job. (Well, that's due mostly to my lacking sense of style and my refusal to spend more than $100 on any item of clothing. Okay, fine, $50.)
Just yesterday I passed one of these suit girls in the locker room and all of the preceding thoughts ran through my head. But then I see the same girl in my Flow class sweating her butt off during standing strength with everybody else, and I'm like "huh, check it out. I would totally be friends with that girl." Girl in suit? Not so much. Girl in yoga class looking like every other normal girl out there? Totally.
And it occurs to me.. they're business professionals by day, and totally cool girl-next-door chicks by night. Awesome! Go them!! I can totally support their cause. I mean, birkenstocks are comfy and all, but not so much accepted in the workplace. And they definitely never belong in the same sentence as promotion unless you work for REI.
But it's exciting because I always struggle to relate to people. I see all of these women in the gym, and I see all of these women in the workplace. But lo and behold, these are the same women. And they're doing their thing, being who they are, and still conforming (as far as society knows) to all of these business customs. Just. Like. Me. And it's not the suits necessarily. They just represent this group of people that seem foreign to me, even though I can probably easily be lumped right in with them.
No need to fear or avoid them just because I don't understand. (Life would be so much easier if I could remember this.)
I do that. I avoid people because I worry that they won't like me. Or I worry that I might be bothering them. I know it's dumb. When's the last time someone saying "hi, how are you?" bothered me? Never. I even avoid people I know very well when things become scary.
Conflict?! OH NO! RUN!
Duh. I'm dumb. But it's unintentional. I just have some social anxiety issues. So it's encouraging when I can relate more to the world around me. Maybe there's hope for me after all.
Friday, October 06, 2006
I am going straight to hell
For a number of reasons, really. But today? Today I'm going to hell for being impatient.
So they're moving our spaces. Well, let me clarify. They moved our spaces two weeks ago. But now they're moving some of the spaces on the other end of the floor. But to do that they must be emptied. So guess where they put all of the contents for the weekend? Yep, everyone else's space.
But I'm still here working. (And will be for at least half the weekend) And when the movers said they were blocking my cube at 3pm my reaction went about like this: (Internal monologue in parens and italics, thank God for that. I see prison in my future.)
Mover1: We're blocking your spaces.
Me: (Who the F do you think you are?!) You can't block our spaces, we're still working here.
Mover1: We were told to put things here.
Me: (Are you deaf?!) But we're still working.
Mover2 (who clearly sees that I'm pissed and ready to fight about it): Okay, no problem, we'll put things somewhere else.
Me: (Damn right!!!!!)
(Grumble, grumble, I really want to FIGHT!!!!)
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
(Nope, I still want to fight.)
sigh...
I'm totally turning into (or already am) the crotchety old lady that hates everyone. So how long before I lock myself away in my house because I'm INSANE and completely incapable of tolerating (or being tolerated by) anyone or anything? I give myself 2 weeks.
Usually when stuff like this happens (which is a little more frequently than I'd like to admit, but thankfully a lot less so than it used to be) I go through the checklist:
1. Blood sugar - when's the last time I ate? (This solves 99% of all of life's injustices. Anyone remember the twinkie defense? Urban legend or not, I'm quite familiar.)
2. Magnesium.. I need magnesium. (the rough natural equivalent to a small dose of valium)
3. Is it 5 yet? Can I go?!
Today, I could probably use all three. And my day started out so well. All I need now are 10 or 12 cats.
So they're moving our spaces. Well, let me clarify. They moved our spaces two weeks ago. But now they're moving some of the spaces on the other end of the floor. But to do that they must be emptied. So guess where they put all of the contents for the weekend? Yep, everyone else's space.
But I'm still here working. (And will be for at least half the weekend) And when the movers said they were blocking my cube at 3pm my reaction went about like this: (Internal monologue in parens and italics, thank God for that. I see prison in my future.)
Mover1: We're blocking your spaces.
Me: (Who the F do you think you are?!) You can't block our spaces, we're still working here.
Mover1: We were told to put things here.
Me: (Are you deaf?!) But we're still working.
Mover2 (who clearly sees that I'm pissed and ready to fight about it): Okay, no problem, we'll put things somewhere else.
Me: (Damn right!!!!!)
(Grumble, grumble, I really want to FIGHT!!!!)
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
(Nope, I still want to fight.)
sigh...
I'm totally turning into (or already am) the crotchety old lady that hates everyone. So how long before I lock myself away in my house because I'm INSANE and completely incapable of tolerating (or being tolerated by) anyone or anything? I give myself 2 weeks.
Usually when stuff like this happens (which is a little more frequently than I'd like to admit, but thankfully a lot less so than it used to be) I go through the checklist:
1. Blood sugar - when's the last time I ate? (This solves 99% of all of life's injustices. Anyone remember the twinkie defense? Urban legend or not, I'm quite familiar.)
2. Magnesium.. I need magnesium. (the rough natural equivalent to a small dose of valium)
3. Is it 5 yet? Can I go?!
Today, I could probably use all three. And my day started out so well. All I need now are 10 or 12 cats.
Now that's how it's done!
Today is shaping up to be one hell of a day. It rained pretty strong through the night and to my delight it was still raining early this morning. I hit the snooze until around 7 listening to the comforting raindrops. And there's this big cherry tree right in front of my window so it was wonderfully dark in my room. The sleeping in was fantastic! I can't tell you how much I heart rain. I really feel strongly that I will spend a significant portion of my life in Seattle. Rain forest! Woo!!
Anyway, I coaxed myself out from under the down comforter and took a nice hot shower, I checked my email and listened to State Radio while I dressed. It's Friday so I get to wear jeans, and with the rain I thought boots and my brand new Arcteryx shell would be awesome. I heart Arcteryx. Patagonia, I still love you but I've met someone new. Can we still be friends?
More rain on the way in to work. I wish it would never stop.. But as Lauren always says (and she's so right) I wouldn't be so in love with every single drop if we saw each other all the time. I would never miss it and wouldn't be so uncontrollably happy when we met again. It drips off my hood and off the ends of my sleeves. It's dark and cool out. It's windy today too. How awesome.
When I got in the office was all quiet because of the weather and because it's Friday. I've been super productive lately so that gives me energy also. I walked down to Starbucks for coffee with L (more rain!! :) ) which made the morning complete. And now I have this fire burning in my belly spurring me through the day.
To round it all out I have Flow tonight. I taught with another instructor on Wednesday and that always renews my drive to get better. She did the relaxation/meditation tracks and I got the tingling sensation I miss out on when I teach on my own. This is the perfect start to a fantastic weekend. I can't wait.
This is what I call a Friday.
Anyway, I coaxed myself out from under the down comforter and took a nice hot shower, I checked my email and listened to State Radio while I dressed. It's Friday so I get to wear jeans, and with the rain I thought boots and my brand new Arcteryx shell would be awesome. I heart Arcteryx. Patagonia, I still love you but I've met someone new. Can we still be friends?
More rain on the way in to work. I wish it would never stop.. But as Lauren always says (and she's so right) I wouldn't be so in love with every single drop if we saw each other all the time. I would never miss it and wouldn't be so uncontrollably happy when we met again. It drips off my hood and off the ends of my sleeves. It's dark and cool out. It's windy today too. How awesome.
When I got in the office was all quiet because of the weather and because it's Friday. I've been super productive lately so that gives me energy also. I walked down to Starbucks for coffee with L (more rain!! :) ) which made the morning complete. And now I have this fire burning in my belly spurring me through the day.
To round it all out I have Flow tonight. I taught with another instructor on Wednesday and that always renews my drive to get better. She did the relaxation/meditation tracks and I got the tingling sensation I miss out on when I teach on my own. This is the perfect start to a fantastic weekend. I can't wait.
This is what I call a Friday.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Good karma!!
The other day I was rummaging through the lost and found at the gym. This dude said he left his bag in the locker room the day before.
Hmm.. no small brown bag with shampoo and a razor... but LOOK! A WATERBOTTLE!
It was the water bottle I lost at least six months ago. The unmistakable Jack Johnson sticker on the side totally proves it's mine!! Grisam would definitely agree. It was then that I forgot all about dude looking for bag and reveled in the bliss of finding my long lost property. You can't even imagine my excitement. I didn't even know where I had left it. I must have pouted for a week!
Reluctantly I replaced it, but couldn't bring myself to sticker the new bottle. It just wouldn't be the same. But now it's back! I am whole again. I feel human! And imagine the hydration that will now consume my day. Can you picture it?! Like a gatorade commercial. I will automatically be cooler and more productive because of it.
I'll totally disinfect it and wash it in the dishwasher on super hot like 25 times. But it's back!!!
Hmm.. no small brown bag with shampoo and a razor... but LOOK! A WATERBOTTLE!
It was the water bottle I lost at least six months ago. The unmistakable Jack Johnson sticker on the side totally proves it's mine!! Grisam would definitely agree. It was then that I forgot all about dude looking for bag and reveled in the bliss of finding my long lost property. You can't even imagine my excitement. I didn't even know where I had left it. I must have pouted for a week!
Reluctantly I replaced it, but couldn't bring myself to sticker the new bottle. It just wouldn't be the same. But now it's back! I am whole again. I feel human! And imagine the hydration that will now consume my day. Can you picture it?! Like a gatorade commercial. I will automatically be cooler and more productive because of it.
I'll totally disinfect it and wash it in the dishwasher on super hot like 25 times. But it's back!!!
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