Someday

Sometimes I want to write to cover up what I last wrote. Or think new thoughts to let the ones I just thought fade into the shadows. I'm so uncomfortable with who I am it's almost frightening.

There are certain aspects about myself that I have defined quite clearly. I have committed myself to being healthy and staying in shape. I love sailing, rock climbing, and snowboarding. I am pro-choice, libertarian, and decidedly happy to be American.

I can choose what to wear to work, I can tell you if I'm hungry (the answer is always yes, but God help me if I can figure out what to eat). I know that I don't want to be a web developer forever. I am ready to get out of D.C. But when it comes to the gray areas in life I tend to freeze up, or take the easiest route.

I believe my lack of confidence is partly a result of never really being single. I have always had the convenience, or pehaps fallen into the trap, of letting the guy I was dating decide what our relationship would be like, and therefore the better part of my life. I'm sure I would have objected to anything completely bizarre, but for the most part, all I had to do was spend time with him.

I always knew I was a bit conservative. When my dad told me I "never let go of the apron strings" I realized I wasn't the only one that thought I needed to get out and take some risks.

While I was still in college I moved to the outer banks for two summers and worked on a parasail boat. After college I moved to D.C. I got a 'real job' and experienced life a little further from home. Next spring I'm moving out West, my biggest challenge yet.

Slowly but surely I try to take steps that take me away from my realm of experience. Push me outside of my comfort zone. Ruffle my feathers a little and see how I react. But it doesn't matter where I live, how far from home I get, or who I'm dating. What matters is how I feel about who I am on the inside. And I don't think I am where I need to be.

I have trouble even putting words to the things I feel I lack. I suppose if I could name them and describe them, I would simply seek them out and lack them no longer.

I think I want clarity. Confidence. A sense of awareness and control. I don't expect to "have it all figured out" but I want to have the ability to work through my issues as they arise and not always default to "I'm sorry, that was my fault". Because not everything is my fault. And I have trouble remembering that. I always take blame, and I always bend to fit. I've got to learn when something is not bend-worthy.

I always say to myself that someday I'll spend some time on my own figuring myself out. So cliched. So overdone. But what choice do I have? What I've been doing isn't working. So I think someday has come to find me.

Who are these people??

My latest conspiracy theory is that there is a group of people sitting in a "room" somewhere sort of directing the traffic of our lives. And the group in charge of my case is particularly snarky, or fabulously brilliant.

Hey look, J seems to be doing alright, let's throw a few bumps her way.

OR

You know, J is in a good stable position right now. Let's teach her _____. And let's send _____ to do it.

So basically they're sending people, events, and/or ideas my way and watching me react. I fully believe they have only the best intentions, but sometimes it seems like every time I think I'm getting things figured out something makes me go "well, wait a minute".

It's completely positive. I love the rush of change and the dynamics of new places, new people and different ideas. I wish for my love of change to never wane. But sometimes it feels I'm being torn apart at the seems. Right down the middle. I must remember how good these changes are for me and how much I'm growing as a result. It's just so hard when my head and my heart don't agree.

Voice

Before I set out along the blogging path I had a few things to consider. When I blog, everyone can read it. And when I post something, it's forever a matter of public record, whether I keep it posted or not.

A) Am I ready for that? Do I want my life plastered across the Internet? Chances are very few people will read me, but it's those few that matter most.

B) Do I have anything interesting to say?

C) I'm bound to get criticism. Can I handle it?

Concerning A, ready or not, I went for it. I thought it would be a great learning experience, and it has been; for me and for those I love. And furthermore, getting my life out there was precisely the point. Really I wanted those that aren't next door or upstairs anymore to be able to keep up with the goings-on in my life. And me with theirs, although they have yet to start blogging. (hint, hint)

I think I decided B didn't matter. It's for me to get my thoughts out. And if someone else gets something out of it or learns something about me, great!

And C, if I can't take a little criticism, I have no place being an adult much less a blogger. Sooo, here I am.

Now to the point. Voice. Small (or loud and obnoxious) but important. I think sometimes when I write it sounds preachy. I don't mean for it to. If I'm preaching, it's most certainly at myself for the multitude of mistakes I have made and will continue to make, and for the chest of flaws I continue to lug around with me. My intent is to be interesting and perhaps theatrical to some degree, but I may have missed the mark. (By a mile). So I wanted to say I'm aware of this rut I have found myself in and how annoying it is, and I'm trying to find a way out. I also wanted to apologize for any discomfort it may cause you in trying to stay abreast in the chronicling of my life.

Finally, if you have suggestions, I didn't major in creative writing or anything resembling it. I'm sure I could use a pointer or ten, and I'm certain my punctuation is screaming for help.

Regardless, It's all in the learning. Please bear with me, help is on the way!

Things are going well

I'm following the plan and everything is generally headed in the right direction. I still want to move out West in the spring. For now I'm busting my butt on this project trying to meet deadlines and rollout a kick-ass site. Trying to limit my days in the office to 6 so I can get out and do things. Still teaching classes so that gets me in the gym a minimum of three days a week. My knee is healing, slowly but surely. Things look good.

Today we got our monthly email from corporate with our leave balance. It's in hours. I have 203.5 sick and 127 vacation. That's over five weeks in sick leave and more than three weeks in vacation time. Not to mention I've racked up 121 hours in comp time. Not payable to me if I were to leave, so I have to use them before spring.

The vacation time will be mine in a paycheck when I check out so I'm not concerned, and I never really use sick time so that's fairly irrelevant. But I rack up comp time at a considerable rate and don't have many opportunities to use it. I'm a bit worried it's going to get sucked into the black hole where socks and $20 bills go.

The site is going to probably go strong through November before it starts to taper off, so not much hope of using any large chunks of comp time before then. And a new site usually requires some considerable TLC for the 6 months following rollout, not to mention Version 2. Holy hell.

I do need to take a couple of trips out West before the big move, but I may need to switch to negotiator mode. See if I can bargain for tacking my "comp time" at the very end of my employment here. That would be sweet. It's all about how I play my cards.

Or, knowing my super-cool-kick-butt boss, he might just say "of course you can!" He rocks.

Expectations

Set them too low and you're not giving yourself or anyone else a chance. On the other hand, setting them too high sets you up for disappointment. So there must be some happy medium. Hermit-hood is probably not the solution. It's easier than facing reality, but it doesn't get you where you most need to be.

1. We all screw up. Some of us more than others. Me more than most. So you'd think I'd be very amenable to giving people second chances. Or 25th chances, whatever the case may be. But there comes a point when I just don't have much more left to give. They may deserve another chance, but I leave it to someone else to give them that. If only I could go quietly.

2. Just because one person sucked, doesn't mean everyone will. I recoiled today at the site of a new girl in our office. She looks to be about 20 and in the space of 5 miliseconds I thought to myself "No way, not again. I am not going to risk myself for some new girl who might seem like a nice person only to turn around and stab me in the back. No thanks." But then I had to scold myself. She hasn't done anything. It's not her fault those that came before her failed to meet my expectations. See 3.

3. Just because I was foolish enough to expect a little maturity and responsibility doesn't mean I'm going to get it. I am wrong to expect things from others and be angry that they don't live up to my expectations. Arguably, you would expect things out of those you care about. But rather than anger at their failure, it would behoove you to encourage them or at the very least sympathize. Or realize you are expecting too much.

My expectations of others are too high. I give them as many chances as they need. But then comes my breaking point. And once that is reached, redemption is almost impossible. I am as unforgiving as the sea. There I sit in my anger and disappointment, and nobody is hurt but myself. The 'offender' deems me certifiable, and we've both lost. It's not 'nice' to deal out chances like cards. Nothing is gained, nothing learned. Place your bets. If you want another chance, I ask that you understand the stakes.

Saving Grace

I've been carrying around a lot of anger lately. And it hasn't really gotten any better. Then last night I had a small confrontation with aforementioned roommate wherin she asked "is there a problem?" Ha! Apparently I did not show the appropriate joy at her return to the world of the living. My best guess is the only reason she started speaking was so she could ask me to stay out of the kitchen so she could bring guy number who-knows-what over for dinner-plus. (I started numbering them a while back. There are just way too many to try to remember names. I'd probably call them by the wrong name anyway. Funny, but bad.)

Anyway, after being angry with her all night and waking up this morning just as angry, if not more so, I had to put my foot down. This simply will not do. Unacceptable. I don't like being angry. I don't want to be angry. And she is clearly not worth it. Honestly, there are very few things in this world worth getting angry about.

So this morning while I was waiting in line for my coffee (Starbucks of course), still writhing in anger, I looked over the front page of the Post. "Hezbollah Raid Opens 2nd Front for Israel". More about war. And I thought to myself "you know, I can understand the anger that might make someone want to go to war. It may not be right but I can imagine the depth of hate that could breed that type of action." And for a moment, I felt better.

And then, like a lightbulb flicking on inside the dark caverns of my thoughts, I realized this is another lesson. People like her are a blaring example of cause and effect. A warning if you will.

Mothers say to their children "do you see why you need to take responsibility for yourself?" And the wided-eyed children stare in horror..

Therapists tell us to stay away from these "negative" people. They do nothing but create conflict.

Friends finally give up when every effort they have made to reach out has been tossed aside. They care, but what more can they do? They then resolve to be better friends next time as though it was somehow their fault.

And I, I learn a valuable lesson of choice. Don't let her control you. Instead allow her to teach you.

Perhaps I exaggerate. But honestly, she is not the threat I have allowed her to be. She is an example. She is helping people by setting a negative example. And that is the most charitable thing I can say about her.

I'm afraid to imagine what she may have done in a past life to have been born into this one. And I even venture to wonder what it is her soul is striving to teach her. Like a car wreck perhaps; morbid fascination.

My anger has always plagued me, and may one day be the death of me. But perhaps this will be my saving grace. It's only been since this morning, but I feel release. Finally, sweet release from the clutches of my anger. And now I strive to remember this the next time I feel the fire burning deep within me. And perhaps one day I will look back and say a silent thank you.

Perhaps it's not explicitly applicable, but for me, this may be my choice, my path, the moment that changed my life.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

~Robert Frost

It ain't all bad

Sometimes it seems that all I write about are negative things. I'm really not that negative. At least that's what I tell myself. Writing is just my stress relief. So you may tend to see the darker, more intrusive thoughtful stuff more so than "hey, guess what happened!!"

It's sort of odd how much I read my own blog. Despite the fact that I (once again) tell myself I hate reading what I write. Heh, and I don't really like reading the negative stuff. I guess it hits me harder. Or I just notice it more. So I try to write something cheery and fun! Inevitably though, more stress hits and I have to get it out. Ah well. Just one more rationalization to add to the pile. Where would I be without them?

I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations...... Ever gone a week without a rationalization?

~ The Big Chill

Dirty Laundry

I have a roommate I haven't seen in six weeks. She's home a lot. But she never comes out of her room. Ever. Either I'm an evil b*tch and did something insanely mean to her, or there's something really wrong with her.

So here's where I struggle. I'm sure she's nice girl. But she's just not the type of person I could develop any lasting friendship with. Her interests and mine are vastly different. I mean, at this point I'm not entirely sure she would remember my name if it weren't on the check I write to her for the electric bill every month. I'm sort of a fourth or fifth class citizen in her world behind dogs and the cute boy she saw at cvs last week.

I really never had a huge problem with this. We were cordial, and mildly chit-chatty, and other than that sort of just lived our separate lives. Worked pretty well. But this whole disappearance thing is bizarre. I figured she needed a little space. Lots of stuff going on in her life. Cool. Go for it. Let us (my other roommate and I) know you're alive periodically and we're happy to give you whatever space you need.

But six weeks is bordering on ridiculous. So am I to be concerned for her? Or just sort of shrug and move on? The problem is I get angry about it. Here I am trying to respect the needs of a person who doesn't see fit to speak to me. Being quiet in our creaky shower to not wake her up at 6am. Cleaning the bathroom for like three months straight because I figured she just had a lot on her plate.

The thing I've been struggling with is why it makes me angry. I don't get it. We're not really friends. We're roommates. I want her to be happy but I don't think it's my place to make her happy (not that she would want me to, or that I could). But still I'm upset wtih her..

So then there was this.. I only heard about it second hand. But it's so typical. And now I'm angry all over again.

edog: (in the kitchen)
her: (walks in the door) Hi!
edog: hey how are you?
her: good. so people DO actually live here...
edog: Huh? What're you talking about?
her: well, i never see anyone
edog: wellll, i imagine it's difficult to see people through a closed bedroom door.
her: yeah....well last night i had a bunch of stuff to do, so that's why i was in my room.
edog: and the rest of the past six or so weeks?
her: (silence)

Maybe it's like the ground hog. Six more weeks...

Update (7-13-06) - no such luck, she spoke, and I liked her better when she didn't.

Like a kid in a candy store

I didn't get home until about 10 last night. But when I did I saw that the tent and sleeping bag I ordered from EMS had come. YESSS!!!

I lasted about 1 minute before I had to climb in my sleeping bag to try it out. Then E wanted a turn. Sooo comfy.

Want to set up the tent in the living room?!

E was all about it. I think she's got the bug.

You have to take me camping now!

It took us a few minutes to figure it out, but then we didn't want to get out.

Maybe we could sleep here tonight.
Or in the back yard!!

There was a long pause while we both seriously considered it.

We better not. It's already almost midnight..
I guess...

After the initial "sweet, a tent!!" settled a little, I had a minute to really evaluate my purchase. I think I made a pretty good choice with this gear. I did quite a bit of research and picked the brains of all the outdoor store employees. The tent's a Big Agnes, Seedhouse 3-man Superlight. Just about the right size for two plus elbow room. And weighs just over 4 pounds. Pretty damn light for a 3-man, 3-season tent. My bag, coincidentally also by Big Agnes, weighs about 2 and a half pounds. Awesome.

My other sleeping bag is huge. Super warm but I can't even stuff that thing into my hiking pack. And I have a four man Wenger tent that probably weights 12 pounds. Great for car camping but not really practical for backpacking. I'll be flying up to Maine and camping when I go to my family reunion in August. That plus the huge sale at EMS made now a perfect time to buy some lightweight gear. But really any excuse will do.

:) Happy girl.