Sometimes I want to write to cover up what I last wrote. Or think new thoughts to let the ones I just thought fade into the shadows. I'm so uncomfortable with who I am it's almost frightening.
There are certain aspects about myself that I have defined quite clearly. I have committed myself to being healthy and staying in shape. I love sailing, rock climbing, and snowboarding. I am pro-choice, libertarian, and decidedly happy to be American.
I can choose what to wear to work, I can tell you if I'm hungry (the answer is always yes, but God help me if I can figure out what to eat). I know that I don't want to be a web developer forever. I am ready to get out of D.C. But when it comes to the gray areas in life I tend to freeze up, or take the easiest route.
I believe my lack of confidence is partly a result of never really being single. I have always had the convenience, or pehaps fallen into the trap, of letting the guy I was dating decide what our relationship would be like, and therefore the better part of my life. I'm sure I would have objected to anything completely bizarre, but for the most part, all I had to do was spend time with him.
I always knew I was a bit conservative. When my dad told me I "never let go of the apron strings" I realized I wasn't the only one that thought I needed to get out and take some risks.
While I was still in college I moved to the outer banks for two summers and worked on a parasail boat. After college I moved to D.C. I got a 'real job' and experienced life a little further from home. Next spring I'm moving out West, my biggest challenge yet.
Slowly but surely I try to take steps that take me away from my realm of experience. Push me outside of my comfort zone. Ruffle my feathers a little and see how I react. But it doesn't matter where I live, how far from home I get, or who I'm dating. What matters is how I feel about who I am on the inside. And I don't think I am where I need to be.
I have trouble even putting words to the things I feel I lack. I suppose if I could name them and describe them, I would simply seek them out and lack them no longer.
I think I want clarity. Confidence. A sense of awareness and control. I don't expect to "have it all figured out" but I want to have the ability to work through my issues as they arise and not always default to "I'm sorry, that was my fault". Because not everything is my fault. And I have trouble remembering that. I always take blame, and I always bend to fit. I've got to learn when something is not bend-worthy.
I always say to myself that someday I'll spend some time on my own figuring myself out. So cliched. So overdone. But what choice do I have? What I've been doing isn't working. So I think someday has come to find me.
