My Very Own Mary Poppins

My roommate E left this for me a couple of mornings ago. I found it on my way out the door and it definitely put a little smile on my face. (Thanks E!)

Be not the slave of your own past - plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with self respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Emerson is another one of those poets, or writers, that I consistently like. He and Thoreau write so simply and matter-of-factly. And even out of context their words carry a positive message with all the meaning and none of the drag-you-through-the-mud philosophy. A wonderful bite-sized serving of common sense. A spoon full of sugar to get my philosophy down.

If You Have a Moment

I highly recommend you read Desiderata by Max Ehrmann. I've loved it since I was little, but each time I go back to it I identify with something new. It is simply stated and less flowery than most poems. I think that's one reason why I love it so much. No reason to garnish something that is so purely beautiful. This part has been my lingering favorite...

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

A Humble Thank You

None of us are perfect. There will always be moments when life just seems too much to bear. And it's in those moments, when your world seems to have come crashing down around you, that you look through dazed eyes to see just how much those around you care for you. There they are helping you pick up the pieces and wade through the swampy waters of your mind. Or cheering you along urging you not to give up.

I am so grateful for those of you who are always there for me and I just want to say "Thank you". To all of you who don't complain even though you definitely have cause. To all of you who jump at the chance to help me put the world in perspective. To all of you who take my frustration and turn it into an action plan. To all of you who are always there to help me reason through things that I can't quite wrap my little mind around on my own. To those of you who are willing to just hold my hand while I cry and do anything you can for me. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

There will always be those Evil people. But with any luck we'll also come across those who will, knowingly or not, challenge us to become the person we are inside. And when life just seems too much to swallow, there are your friends. The glue that holds it all together and keeps the world turning.

The 12 1/2 hours of sleep I got last night is proof that I need you guys. I owe you each one. Probably more like ten. I'm not better but definitely on my way. You guys rock!!

Winkin', Blinkin', and Nod

I have been having extremely vivid dreams lately. The kind where I wake up and as I go through my day I feel confused that the things I dreamed aren't real. They feel completely real.

I dreamed I bought three houses with a friend, and that I was renting the houses out to tenants. It was strange to wake up wondering if they'd paid rent this month only to realize it hadn't happened at all. I dreamed that friends had emailed me, but then when I went to reply to their messages there were no emails. It's disorienting.

It's surprisingly not an pleasant feeling, more just strange because I so rarely remember my dreams beyond a fleeting feeling when I first wake up. But to think they are real on into the day is unusual.

Maybe it's my mind waking up and stretching out it's imagination. Maybe I need more B complex vitamins. Heh. I would say something like that.

I guess for now I'll just enjoy it.

The Beauty of Chaos

You think you've got it all figured out. You know what your goals are, you've planned your next step, and you're just waiting for the right moment to make the move. Then one day a butterfly in Japan flutters it's wings, and the next thing you know your life changes so dramatically you hardly recognize it.

Suddenly up is down, trivial becomes critically important, and so much of what you thought defined you gets tossed aside.

The winds of change have opened my eyes to a whole world of possibility. So rarely does it come in one gust. More often just in gentle breazes that slowly nudge you in one direction or another.

My heart aches with longing where yesterday it sat in contented familiarity. My sound sleep has become moonlit hours of "what if?" My carefully planned future has so suddenly lost all importance.

Could it work? Maybe. But more likely it will become an exercise in awareness. The world is so big. And you, little one, are faced with endless possibility. Don't limit yourself to only what you've seen. Don't close off the wonder of your imagination. Let your mind be open to the winds of change. Listen to them, be moved by them, grow with them.

I smiled today like I have not smiled in a very long time. So infectious was my smile that those around me smiled too and I was stunned by my pure happiness.

I can see light under a door I never knew was there. And it may not be a door meant for me. But now I know there's more, so much more than I ever let myself see.

Holy Lightening Batman!

I saw this episode of Batman once where he and Robin were hanging from a helicopter over the ocean and a shark jumped up and bit onto the rope. Batman said "here, use the shark repellant." I definitely could have used a little lightening repellant last night. The storm we had was crazy! It was like the lightening in 'War of the Worlds'. Okay, maybe not that bad. But intense.

It started as heat lightening, but then rapidly progressed. Before the rain came there was a cool breeze. That's when you know the storm's coming your way, low pressure. When the storm really got going there was a bolt every few seconds. The kind that burns into your retina so you can still see it after it's gone. The lightening started to hit pretty close, sometimes coming simultaneously with the thunder.

It was neat. But I also would have loved to sleep last night. It was so loud I was jolted awake every time a big bolt flashed or the thunder crackled. It sounded like a giant ripping through a forest uprooting trees and tearing them to pieces. I usually really enjoy thunderstorms, but an intense storm at night can be unsettling. We were definitely in the heart of the storm for a while because the hair on my arms would prickle every few seconds. Creapy.

Each time I thought the storm was moving away another huge bolt would strike with thunder right on its heals. I half expected to see those weird alien tripod things come walking by. Definitely surreal. Where's Tom Cruise when you need him??

My patella does what??

I finally went to the doctor for my knee. I've been off of it for more than a month now and the swelling has mostly dissapated. But it still hurts to squat or lunge, so there's definitely still some tissue inflamation. I was nervous when I went in but it turned out okay. I'm such a skeptic!!

"Take this anti-inflammatory, go to physical therapy, and see me in six weeks."

I was definitely grateful for her advice, but I probably won't take the drugs. She practically begged me to take them as though she expected me not to. "Athletes don't like to take drugs," she said. "That's because they are very in tune with their bodies and scrutinize everything they put in them," I thought. But I didn't argue with her.

I did a bunch of research. Turns out I'm already taking all of the anti-inflammatory drug alternatives as part of the vitamin program my mom put me on. My mom rocks!

And I may be a purist but I'm all about the physical therapy. I'll do exactly what they tell me as long as it's not "pump your body full of chemicals". I'll do exercises and ice ten times a day. But mostly I want to learn what's wrong with me and how to fix it, or at least manage it.

I've been once so far and I'm very encouraged. He identified what he thought was wrong with my knee and helped me with some stretches and exercises, and immediately following the session I could do a full squat with no pain.

"You're young. You should heal very well."

It's definitely far from healed, but I think we're on the right track. And he's awesome! He totally supports my choice to not take the drugs. He explains everything to me and I learned a lot just in the hour that I was there. "I love it when you talk joint alignment to me..."

Exactly Once

The number of times you'll let go of the halyard on a sailboat. Because then someone has to climb up the mast to retrieve it. Probably you. Following that shaky trip you'll be damn sure never to let go of it again.

The halyard is the handy little item that attaches to the top of the main sail and pulls it up to the top of the mast. Relatively critical in the whole scheme of things. Without it, sailing is really tough.

It's certainly not uncommon, and I suppose most people who've spent much time on a sailboat have gone up the mast at some point for some reason or other. But don't be envious. It is not a rite of passage. More like the mark of a careless sailor, if I can be called that. At least I got to do it at the dock on a calm day. And I had two belayers just in case. Who knew the rigging makes for such good top roping?

It was kind of neat, in the "wow, I hope I never have to do that again" sort of way. We made a harness, which was surprisingly comfortable. And then fashioned something similar to a prusik loop for each of my feet and one for my harness. They're friction knots. So we tied them around the mast and as I "walked up" I would scoot them each up. The one connected to my harness was a just a fail safe. But the feet loops were the working knots. I would put my weight in one, slide the other up, and transfer my weight to the other. Surprisingly effective. And if it weren't for the spreaders, I wouldn't have had to retie the whole setup. I was able to sit on the spreaders while I re-tied, though, which made all the difference.

Despite my little mishap it was a wonderful day. 10-20 knots of wind all afternoon long. We had the boat healed over almost the entire time. I love seeing S2H with that goofy smile on his face. I did forget sunscreen though. Man, it seems like it happens at least once every year. I was about to put some on and the wind picked up.. ooh shiny!!


I knew as soon as we eased the boat in the slip that I was burned. Ow.

So notes for next time.

1. Don't forget the sunscreen.
2. Whatever you do, don't let go of the halyard.

Nobody likes saying goodbye

This one's for you girl. I'm sorry it's too late.

I didn't really know you. But you seemed like a good egg. So we became friends. I think. I took a long trip to be there for you at a really cool time in your life. Tragedy struck. And I'll be damned if I didn't do everything I could think of to help you. And I came away from the whole experience with a few new friends and some awesome stories.

There were always oddities. But that's true of any friendship right? But then I started to notice things change. And things weren't the same anymore. And I was constantly reminded of that. But I tried to stick it out.

I tried to just go with the flow. Didn't work. I tried to suggest things. Nope, try again. I tried to just be your friend no matter what. Okay that didn't work either. I tried to flat out tell you what the hell was going on and offer anything I could do to help. Shot down HARD. So I stopped. I really just got tired of picking myself up. Every. Damn. Time. And when you try everything you can think of, and it still doesn't work, you try be happy knowing you did what you could. And you lay it to rest.

So that's what I did. I laid it to rest. And I'm pleased to see you have too. But I wanted you to know that I tried. And I don't really know what happened. The only thing that sticks with me is I wasn't good enough anymore.

So for whatever it is that I did to let you down, I wanted to say I'm sorry. And I wanted to say that I cared so damn much about you. I just couldn't fix it. I wish you the best in all you do.

It was fun while it lasted. Really fun.

Confession

In the face of temptation I offer a view into my heart, bare and honest.

My temptation is change. I desire a new place. I desire a new job. I desire something different. But my desirous soul does not get what it wants without sacrifice. My sacrifice is the donning of a label. I am jaded.

I worked on the Outer Banks as a parasail boat mate for two summers. My uniform was a bathing suit, my office a boat on the water, and my responsibility to talk to tourists and play with a parachute all day. By the second summer I was bored out of my mind. I appreciated the fact that I was on the water, but just couldn't bring myself to feel content.

I imagine myself sitting in a room, bored like a rebellious teenager forced to spend time with her parents, challenging the world. "Entertain me, I dare you to try". Immaturity is threatening to overtake me.

Now I work as a web developer. I have an amazing job. A variety of opportunities for experience and a fantastic boss. Guess what. I'm bored. Discontent. Frustrated. Once again, I can appreciate the position I'm in. A good paying job, challenging work, a great environment, and the promise of advancement. Who could ask for more? The girl that watches me in the mirror every morning. She just stares, silenty demanding more. How can she be so wearied by such luxury?

Is it instant gratification I'm after? To be good at something without trying? To be successful without the hard work? Sometimes I accuse myself. I scold myself for my fatique. My indifference. My lack of appreciation.

But I work. I wake each morning with new resolve and motivation. I fight a constant uphill battle to be successful. Productive. Happy. Who am I to expect perfect happiness and contentment? It must be earned.

This is my confession. And my resolution to begin again. To work harder. And to earn, not demand, the freedom my heart desires.

You know what they say..

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. So I guess when my coworker comes in dressed like me at least once a week, I should feel complimented. I think she secretly just wants to be me. Can you blame her?? She puts up this thinly veiled front like "I wore this because I thought you didn't have anything like it!!" Sure.. uh-huh. Just like last Wednesday? And the Friday before that??

Or perhaps I secretly want to be her.. Where did I put that brown striped shirt again?

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