In the face of temptation I offer a view into my heart, bare and honest.
My temptation is change. I desire a new place. I desire a new job. I desire something different. But my desirous soul does not get what it wants without sacrifice. My sacrifice is the donning of a label. I am jaded.
I worked on the Outer Banks as a parasail boat mate for two summers. My uniform was a bathing suit, my office a boat on the water, and my responsibility to talk to tourists and play with a parachute all day. By the second summer I was bored out of my mind. I appreciated the fact that I was on the water, but just couldn't bring myself to feel content.
I imagine myself sitting in a room, bored like a rebellious teenager forced to spend time with her parents, challenging the world. "Entertain me, I dare you to try". Immaturity is threatening to overtake me.
Now I work as a web developer. I have an amazing job. A variety of opportunities for experience and a fantastic boss. Guess what. I'm bored. Discontent. Frustrated. Once again, I can appreciate the position I'm in. A good paying job, challenging work, a great environment, and the promise of advancement. Who could ask for more? The girl that watches me in the mirror every morning. She just stares, silenty demanding more. How can she be so wearied by such luxury?
Is it instant gratification I'm after? To be good at something without trying? To be successful without the hard work? Sometimes I accuse myself. I scold myself for my fatique. My indifference. My lack of appreciation.
But I work. I wake each morning with new resolve and motivation. I fight a constant uphill battle to be successful. Productive. Happy. Who am I to expect perfect happiness and contentment? It must be earned.
This is my confession. And my resolution to begin again. To work harder. And to earn, not demand, the freedom my heart desires.
