Snowboarding in Colorado

There's just not much more a girl could hope for...

.. except maybe the perfect guy. But I have him too. :)

Sunday mornings are the perfect time for ridiculous low budg drama movies involving half pint pop stars and off-season teen drama actors

Yesterday was a lay around and watch tv morning. So I flick on the tube and settle in with my coffee for some 'toons or something equally productive. I watched some Discovery show about man-eating leopards for a while, but then I got bored of seeing carcasses.

And then I found it, the gold mine, Supercross: The Movie. Oh yeah.. quality. It's a teen flick about a couple of Motocross racers breaking into the Supercross scene and making it big. There's the obligatory side-plot love stories. The main character selling out but then realizing it's not worth it and coming back to win big with the help of his brother and former rival. Half pint pop star Nick Canon. And off-season Teen drama actor Sophia Bush from One Tree Hill. Oh, and also, the chick does a back flip on her bike. Sweet.

It's not like there was nothing else on. Bourne Supremacy, Batman Begins; but I've seen them already. And I was in the no thinking, just entertain me mood.

Quote of the day? "Just watch the bike scenes and tune out the porn plot." Yes, thanks guys, excellent analysis.

The List - Part I

This past weekend I was out with friends, and as with most public places the bathrooms were not up to par. I'm not the picky type, but there are certain things that just make me shake my head. For example, flushing paper towels down the toilet. How would I know the last person did this? Because paper towels don't flush down most toilets. Just a tip.

This leads me to believe the person before me was either 1) dumb, 2) highly intoxicated, or 3) ignorant. Maybe all three? Would you do that at home? Not if you know anything at all about toilets..

So I decided to come up with a list of things I think every female should know. I want to point out that I'm still working on these things myself, but that it's something we females should all strive for to become more well-rounded individuals. I realize this is a bit of a weighted list, coming from someone who's somewhat.. well, redneck? But I believe these are important things. Perhaps you all can enlighten me on some of the "must-knows" in your areas of expertise.

Things every female should know - Part I

1) How to fix a toilet. :)
You will inevitably be in a situation where a toilet is overflowing and you alone can stop it in time. Just look behind the toilet for the little valve. This shuts off the water and stops the water from rising. There's more to know, but this is a good start.

2) How to drive a manual transmission.
You don't have to own a stick, but in an emergency this could be incredibly helpful, not to mention cool.

3) How to make a rockin' martini. (or another "traditional" beverage)
Whether you drink or not you could always use this skill at a random social event when called upon. Who wants to have to say "um.. I don't know how.."

4) How to change a tire.
If you're ever stranded with a flat and a dead cell phone on the side of the road, this could be incredibly useful. If this is foreign to you, start by figuring out where the spare is and asking a neighbor or friend to show you.

5) How to start a fire.
What? No gas grill?? You never know. But also? You just might need one to keep warm someday. Matches or a lighter are totally allowed. I'm not asking that you be Chuck Norris.

6) How to change your own oil.
Living in a city not something I would do unless I had to, but it's good to know how.

7) How to properly throw a football.
No need to play an entire game of catch, but it's nice to be able to return the football to the group of guys playing in the park if it falls at your feet. Just line your fingers up between the laces and follow through.

8) How to be a suitable companion for a football/basketball game.
If you're a sports fan this one is well taken care of. But if you're not, know enough about a sport to at least watch one game. And who knows, maybe you'll like it!

9) How to tie a knot.
You don't have to have an arsenal, but one good knot could get you out of a bind if ever you really needed one. (And a bad knot can be deadly.) A bowline knot is basic and if you do it wrong you'll know it.

10) How to change a diaper.
Presumably, every female can do this instinctively, but if not...

Okay.. go!

Celebrate Natural Beauty

Have you seen those Dove commercials where "real" women are celebrated for their natural beauty? I'm sure we can all appreciate what they're trying to do; so few of us are perfect or anywhere near it. But an ad is just an ad, we still idolize the women of movies and magazines with their immaculately sculpted bodies and perfectly airbrushed faces. Who hasn't been influenced by these images? I see it in my pre-teen cousins who already ear makeup and ultra-low rise mini skirts.

I don't really spend much time on my appearance. I have the few things that I do, and that's all. I don't care to spend more time than I do, and I am okay with "getting by" as it may be.

So I had all but forgotten about those ads, and then my friend sent me this with a note that said "See, we are all super models".

And really all I could say was Wow. It's a really incredible visual description of the influence of our culture and what we've all come to expect of ourselves and of each other. And they're right...

No wonder our perception of beauty is distored.

Go spadout

I just read a little blurb on spadout.com that talked about women specific skis. The coolest part about the article was this:

Women specific skis are generally designed for lighter skiers who need a more responsive ski due to their limited body weight.

Women have limited body weight. That's awesome.

I love spadout. It's a really cool site for all kinds of outdoor things. Videos, tutorials, gear etc. I would really like to think they're not paid to recommend some gear over others, but that really remains to be seen. REI is their major sponsor so perhaps that means they're automatically biased. They have a ton of good information none-the-less.

It's definitely worth a visit..

Is it snowing yet?

It's about that time and I can't freakin' wait! I'm already planning to take off Wednesday nights and bust out of work by 3 so I can try to get some runs in mid-week this year. Skiing here is far from top-notch, but it's better than nothing.

I got pretty jazzed up when my friend mentioned the Skiing and Snowboarding Expo out in Dulles. Go check it out!! I've never been before but it should be fun. They will have all of the new gear and they'll be giving away trips and lift tickets. They will also be showing the new Warren Miller movie which is an annual must-see for anyone even remotely interested in winter. You just sit there and drool watching people experience the mountains around the world. Southern Hemisphere anyone??

Due mostly to the impending move, I don't really have any ski trips planned this year. But I may try to slip out of town for a couple of long weekends up to VT or NY. Yay! Nice to have friends and family in cold places. Maybe I could even squeeze in a quickie to CO. I haven't even been to Copper yet...

Are you excited?!?

Donald finally got it right...

My friend sent me this today.

It really made me think. On the one hand, who would be against displaying the American flag? On the other, you can kind of see how maybe it's a little on the large side.

Personally? I dig it. And I think he should definitely pursue the issue to the highest court possible. Not like the $250/day fine will be a deterrant. But it's going to be interesting.

I need ruby slippers

The end is so near, and I can't wait. This project seems like it will consume my entire life. But I won't let it! I took off the entire weekend this past weekend. The entire thing!!

I won't lie, it was tough. I felt guilty for not going in. I felt like I should be there. But I fought the urge and stayed home.

It's almost more tiring and discouraging to stay away. But in a different way. To come in and work and never take a break makes me feel like I need time to just relax and do nothing. To rest and recover from all of the concentration. But to stay away makes me feel as though the work will pile up so high I'll never catch up and sooner or later it will all just cave in and bury me forever.

Which is better? I don't know.

I'm almost done but I still don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Instead of encouraged I feel unmotivated and depressed. I want to feel as though I've accomplished something, but the stress has taken so much out of me.

click-click-click There's no place like the Caribbean... click-click-click There's no place like the Caribbean...

43 things

It's been too long. I've been writing, just not posting. I looked down through all of the un-posted drafts just floating there, and I just posted them. This one and this one got buried because I posted them all at the time they were written, but the rest are all right here. I don't know why I wasn't posting. Just haven't really been in a good place lately I guess. Who knows.

But I'm here now. Alive and well, happy and healthy.

I re-discovered this site where you can collect your list of things. 43 Things in fact. What a wonderful idea; to compile your hopes and dreams, thoughts and lessons, and share them with the world.

Motivate yourself and share your energy with us. What are your goals? Make them a reality.

Moments to live for

Like the magic of watching the darkest storm engulfing the earth. Feeling the deepest love swelling in your chest. Sitting on the deck of a sailboat floating amidst caribbean islands staring off into the world. Being lost in the moment of your dreams coming true. The tingling sensation in your scalp in hearing the song that explains your thoughts to the world allowing you to sit in silence. Being held in an embrace that heals all wounds and sooths all hurt. The quiet justice of knowing you did the right thing and realizing that's all you need. Peace starting in the center of your being and radiating out to the very corners of you.

Trying too hard

The dilemma of souls. Pitfall of the diligent. The ellusive secret of the enlightened. The cup of life. The fountain of youth.

I work so hard to try to fix things I forget to just be. I forget to relax. I am so caught up in trying I forget that sometimes it's the freedom that solves problems. Freedom for your mind to contemplate in the comfort of its subconcious. Freedom of your soul to laugh and heal its wounds. Freedom of your body to let all the tension melt away.

I could worry myself out of love. I could work my way out of a job. I could fret myself into a persistent state of madness. But if I let go? I could be my way into a life I adore.

Try to relax...

Try to relax? Isn't that an oxymoron? Quite. But I quite often have to work at relaxing.

Oh you didn't know I was a raging lunatic who exploded at the slightest event? Of course you did.. if you know anything about me at all. I'm crazy. Certifiable maybe. But I'm trying. I'm trying really, really hard to relax.

It's bad because I see it coming. I see the mercury rising. I see the gauge topping out. But it all happens so quickly, and before I know it I've boiled over and it happens much too quickly to pull the emergency cable. And then afterward I have to work myself out of my fit and try to reason through what exactly happened.

Sometimes I can stop myself before all hell breaks loose. Sometimes I have to tell myself I don't care. But then I stop caring and that's not good either.

Sometimes I can just breathe. Deep, slow breaths in and out.

And Yoga. I like yoga. I teach it twice a week. That helps.

Also? I'm moving. Ever so far away from this city whose inhabitants seem so intent on digging into my skin. Not the ones I know (before anyone starts to wonder whether I'm talking about them). The ones I don't know are the really prickly ones. This city where prestige rules and passive aggression is the surest way to success. I just can't handle it. I can't be passive at anything. I'm right up in your face I HATE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT girl. That, or I just quit.

I'm a quitter. sigh.. I'm trying to stop doing that too.

I want people to have positive things to say about me. And right now? I wouldn't blame anyone for not being able to come up with anything nice to say.

She's.. well, she sometimes.. and.. oh I know! She uh..

Yeah. I know. Me too.

So what, do I need therapy? Professional help? Do I need a self-help book? What do I need?

Pose like you mean it...

I always see these chicks walking into the gym with their four inch heals, cute little suits, hair all pulled back in very professional (read: stuck-up) looking styles and fashionable glasses. And I wonder.. what exactly is it they're here for? Because someone like that would never get sweaty..

It's certainly judgmental of me, but how can I not wonder about these things? They have time to look that put-together and work out? No way.. I mean, I work out but no way do I ever look that good at my "real" job. (Well, that's due mostly to my lacking sense of style and my refusal to spend more than $100 on any item of clothing. Okay, fine, $50.)

Just yesterday I passed one of these suit girls in the locker room and all of the preceding thoughts ran through my head. But then I see the same girl in my Flow class sweating her butt off during standing strength with everybody else, and I'm like "huh, check it out. I would totally be friends with that girl." Girl in suit? Not so much. Girl in yoga class looking like every other normal girl out there? Totally.

And it occurs to me.. they're business professionals by day, and totally cool girl-next-door chicks by night. Awesome! Go them!! I can totally support their cause. I mean, birkenstocks are comfy and all, but not so much accepted in the workplace. And they definitely never belong in the same sentence as promotion unless you work for REI.

But it's exciting because I always struggle to relate to people. I see all of these women in the gym, and I see all of these women in the workplace. But lo and behold, these are the same women. And they're doing their thing, being who they are, and still conforming (as far as society knows) to all of these business customs. Just. Like. Me. And it's not the suits necessarily. They just represent this group of people that seem foreign to me, even though I can probably easily be lumped right in with them.

No need to fear or avoid them just because I don't understand. (Life would be so much easier if I could remember this.)

I do that. I avoid people because I worry that they won't like me. Or I worry that I might be bothering them. I know it's dumb. When's the last time someone saying "hi, how are you?" bothered me? Never. I even avoid people I know very well when things become scary.

Conflict?! OH NO! RUN!

Duh. I'm dumb. But it's unintentional. I just have some social anxiety issues. So it's encouraging when I can relate more to the world around me. Maybe there's hope for me after all.

I am going straight to hell

For a number of reasons, really. But today? Today I'm going to hell for being impatient.

So they're moving our spaces. Well, let me clarify. They moved our spaces two weeks ago. But now they're moving some of the spaces on the other end of the floor. But to do that they must be emptied. So guess where they put all of the contents for the weekend? Yep, everyone else's space.

But I'm still here working. (And will be for at least half the weekend) And when the movers said they were blocking my cube at 3pm my reaction went about like this: (Internal monologue in parens and italics, thank God for that. I see prison in my future.)

Mover1: We're blocking your spaces.
Me: (Who the F do you think you are?!) You can't block our spaces, we're still working here.
Mover1: We were told to put things here.
Me: (Are you deaf?!) But we're still working.
Mover2 (who clearly sees that I'm pissed and ready to fight about it): Okay, no problem, we'll put things somewhere else.
Me: (Damn right!!!!!)

(Grumble, grumble, I really want to FIGHT!!!!)

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

(Nope, I still want to fight.)

sigh...

I'm totally turning into (or already am) the crotchety old lady that hates everyone. So how long before I lock myself away in my house because I'm INSANE and completely incapable of tolerating (or being tolerated by) anyone or anything? I give myself 2 weeks.

Usually when stuff like this happens (which is a little more frequently than I'd like to admit, but thankfully a lot less so than it used to be) I go through the checklist:

1. Blood sugar - when's the last time I ate? (This solves 99% of all of life's injustices. Anyone remember the twinkie defense? Urban legend or not, I'm quite familiar.)
2. Magnesium.. I need magnesium. (the rough natural equivalent to a small dose of valium)
3. Is it 5 yet? Can I go?!

Today, I could probably use all three. And my day started out so well. All I need now are 10 or 12 cats.

Now that's how it's done!

Today is shaping up to be one hell of a day. It rained pretty strong through the night and to my delight it was still raining early this morning. I hit the snooze until around 7 listening to the comforting raindrops. And there's this big cherry tree right in front of my window so it was wonderfully dark in my room. The sleeping in was fantastic! I can't tell you how much I heart rain. I really feel strongly that I will spend a significant portion of my life in Seattle. Rain forest! Woo!!

Anyway, I coaxed myself out from under the down comforter and took a nice hot shower, I checked my email and listened to State Radio while I dressed. It's Friday so I get to wear jeans, and with the rain I thought boots and my brand new Arcteryx shell would be awesome. I heart Arcteryx. Patagonia, I still love you but I've met someone new. Can we still be friends?

More rain on the way in to work. I wish it would never stop.. But as Lauren always says (and she's so right) I wouldn't be so in love with every single drop if we saw each other all the time. I would never miss it and wouldn't be so uncontrollably happy when we met again. It drips off my hood and off the ends of my sleeves. It's dark and cool out. It's windy today too. How awesome.

When I got in the office was all quiet because of the weather and because it's Friday. I've been super productive lately so that gives me energy also. I walked down to Starbucks for coffee with L (more rain!! :) ) which made the morning complete. And now I have this fire burning in my belly spurring me through the day.

To round it all out I have Flow tonight. I taught with another instructor on Wednesday and that always renews my drive to get better. She did the relaxation/meditation tracks and I got the tingling sensation I miss out on when I teach on my own. This is the perfect start to a fantastic weekend. I can't wait.

This is what I call a Friday.

Good karma!!

The other day I was rummaging through the lost and found at the gym. This dude said he left his bag in the locker room the day before.

Hmm.. no small brown bag with shampoo and a razor... but LOOK! A WATERBOTTLE!

It was the water bottle I lost at least six months ago. The unmistakable Jack Johnson sticker on the side totally proves it's mine!! Grisam would definitely agree. It was then that I forgot all about dude looking for bag and reveled in the bliss of finding my long lost property. You can't even imagine my excitement. I didn't even know where I had left it. I must have pouted for a week!

Reluctantly I replaced it, but couldn't bring myself to sticker the new bottle. It just wouldn't be the same. But now it's back! I am whole again. I feel human! And imagine the hydration that will now consume my day. Can you picture it?! Like a gatorade commercial. I will automatically be cooler and more productive because of it.

I'll totally disinfect it and wash it in the dishwasher on super hot like 25 times. But it's back!!!

Never a moment

I've always been in love with music. There's almost no ailment that a good song played a few hundred times can't cure. Honestly. Breakups, bad days, horrible people. There are always exceptions. But the right music can usually sooth any pain. My disposable income has always been spent on cds. And now that we are all into the digital age with full force, it's digital music from iTunes. Who knew it could be so easy?

Sometimes I feel guilty for having my little white earbuds in so often. (What a good marketing scheme, you know? You see white earbuds and you know it's an iPod. H'enyway..) Before the iPod they were little black earbuds. Headphones are a fantastic way to make guys leave you alone at the gym, btw. Easier to hit on the girl without the earbuds..

But, back to the guilt, I worry about missing out on the real world. Here I am escaping into my head, just observing the world, not really participating. I walk down the street and watch. But how much harder does it make it to interact?

It's all well and good to consider these thing, but that's not going to change the fact that I want to be plugged in 24-7. I can't help it. Music is so addictive. Soothing, exciting, calming, thrilling. Whatever you want it to be. You get to choose. You set your own mood.

And I never thought I'd say this, but having a desk job has its advantages. I listen to whatever I want all day long. I may as well be sitting at my desk at home.. All I need is the iPod to escape. Shut out the world.

In my defense, there are times when I crave the silence. Yesterday after class, I got in the car and started driving. A few minutes went by and I realized I didn't have a cd in and the radio was off. Silence. It was so quiet. But so soothing. I didn't want to hear anything. I was enjoying the silence. I had any song I wanted at my fingertips. Literally. But I was happy just as it was. Nothing. I was able to let my mind wander as I drove. It was almost like meditation. Just breathing and thinking. I think I healed a lot of little mental sores that just couldn't quite close up. A positive thought here, a decision made there, it all adds up.

So when I got home and walked in the door, I was ready. No need to unwind. I enjoyed cooking, I relaxed and ate my dinner, and I felt like I was good company for the first time in a while.

Is it the iPod? I don't think so. But sometimes the silence is the best medicine.

Maxed out

(you knew it was coming...)

Calm, cool and collected has never been a good way to describe me. I wouldn't say I'm high strung, but I'm definitely not laid back. History has proven that I take on everything I think I can handle, always keep myself busy, and don't really plan time to let myself relax. What could I possibly be getting done if I'm relaxing??

Lately this tendency has been putting me on edge. I am seriously just maxed out. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I need a little play time. I imagine this is how people approaching retirement feel. But for God's sake I've only been in the "real world" for three years. Three!

Young grasshopper, you are just beginning!

Part of the reason I'm not laid-back girl is I'm so passionate about things. I mean, everything I do has to be the best. No exceptions. Otherwise I feel like a failure. And also because I take things so seriously. Everything in my world is like an extension of me. So if you're unhappy, I assume it must be me. Not good. But I don't think about it. I just assume responsibility without considering whether I really should or not. Basically, I'm insecure as hell and if I'm not pushing as hard as I can I get self-conscious.

Most of the time, none of this is a problem. I get some serious shit accomplished! But occasionally, I really back myself into a corner. I stress myself out and behave in a way that others must think is insane. They must wonder why I'm upset. Why I'm frustrated. And the answer is, "I do it to myself". I make assumptions based on my perceptions that so often turn out to be completely inaccurate.

The strangeness really comes in when my laziness takes hold. Yes, I'm lazy. Can you be lazy and a perfectionist at the same time? I don't know. But I feel that way. Or maybe I'm burned out. I'm not sure if I can really make a distinction there. But that's really a question for another day.

The current manifestation of this over-achievement/massive-insecurity complex is, I planned my summer according to expectations that are now changing. And..oh look! Summer is gone. And half of my weekends were spent in the office. No, let me actually count.. hold on a second...

Yep, ten out of the past 19 weekends were spent at the office. And one of those? The entire memorial day weekend. Saturday, Sunday and Monday. All day.

I'm sorry, what?!

Did anyone ask me to work weekends? No. I volunteered. It was me and myself sitting here coding our hearts out. But now that things are being delayed I get a little pissed. I can't have my summer back. But who is there to be pissed at? You're lookin' at her. I can only be pissed at myself. I volunteered for this. I thought it would pay off. I thought it would be worthwhile. HEY! Look at what I made!! And maybe it has been worthwhile, but losing half my summer was not.

Not even a little bit.

The only redeeming factor here is that now? Now I know what it's like. I know more about what's important, and what's not. I know how much it means to me to see the sun shine. How good it feels to sit and read a book on a Sunday afternoon. How awesome it is to sleep in until 8am.

But is that enough to trade for my summer? I guess everything has its price. And the price for that little bit of knowledge was half of my summer.

Work is good but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you.

Here we go again.

I didn't think it was possible to love sunflower seeds this much. I got just a small bag of dry roasted, lightly salted seeds. Yes, I know, I know I'm totally not supposed to have salt. But I was starving and it was the least bad thing I could eat... And I ate every last one. My tummy is so happy.

I have to be honest. The last time I did detox I kind of did it half-heartedly. I wanted to detox, it feels so good and when you're done you have this amazing sense of accomplishment, not to mention a nice clean body. But holy hell is it hard. You have to gear yourself up for it physically and mentally. I mean, it shouldn't be that tough, but the minute you know you can't have something, it's like the Holy Grail, you would do anything to have it. And the only thing between you and that amazing taste? Is you. You are the judge, jury, executioner, and the criminal! Here, let me just inject the lethal poison into my own arm... THUD.

But this time, I want to do it right. Because the first time I did it, I went through so many amazing changes. It was earth shattering! I felt awesome. So as I was reading on line today through a bunch of different articles on detox, I realized I have been restricting my thinking too much. I'll still keep the bad foods out and the good foods in, but there are some incredibly amazing recipes I want to try!!

Generally the hardest part about the whole thing is when everyone I know gets together for food and drinks. And how often does this happen? Usually just a few times a year, once a month maybe. And then ten extra times during the two week detox period. (naturally) It totally seems like the world is revolting because it knows I'm not allowed.

So there everyone is feasting away, and here I am grilling up veggies and drinking pomegranate juice. It would be much easier if everyone else was on detox too! But that's completely unrealistic. And unfortunately, I don't have a buddy this time. I don't blame E for not wanting to do it. It's a huge sacrifice and you just have to be ready. If you're not ready you're not going to make it through and it's not worth it... It would just be cruel self punishment. Seriously, you start gagging even before you dump the clay down your throat. And psyllium? I haven't vomited it up yet, but I know it's going to happen.

But anyway, here we go again. Day 1. And already my flatulence is here with a vengeance, let me tell you...

sigh

Struggle

I know that we all do it, some of us more than others. It's just part of life. Adversity makes us stronger, gives us character. If everything were easy we'd suck as people; we'd be like spoiled children who are given everything. Regardless of the benefits though, I hate to see people struggling, especially when they feel helpless. But even more, I hate to see people who cause others to struggle, yet refuse do anything about it. There's too much of that in this world.

What if we all just gave each other a break. Just once every day. Can you imagine? That guy who got angry with me this morning for merging. What if he had given me a break? I would have had a much better morning.

I've been struggling with work. Too much going on. Too much to get done, not enough time. Too many not-so-nice people who don't understand what they're saying. It's somewhat of an appeasement to know it will all be over soon and to know that it's not just me, that others see it too. But still hard to be here now, watching my hard work take away my free time. Watching people refuse to help. Watching people confused by the effects of their actions.

And sometimes I look at them, and I remember they are people struggling just like me. Sometimes that helps.

It's silly, I know. I'm lucky as hell. This is a great job. I have an amazing boss and a great support system. This is just a stressful time, I guess.

I have a friend with a child. And she's an awesome mom. But I watch her struggle. And I hate that. She's really the most amazing mom. I'm certain I could never be the kind of mom that she is on a daily basis without even thinking. I know she's worked hard at it, but she just seems to know exactly what to say and do. And she's always striving to be better.

She's always telling me about her relationship with her little one, and it melts my heart it's just so wonderful and inspiring. So many times I get tears in my eyes just because I want that so much. I mean, my mom always knew exactly what to say when nobody else did, and she just has that.

I want so much for her to see how great she is, and how lucky her little one is to have her. I don't want her to struggle. I want her to know that part of her works like clockwork, and she never has to worry.

It takes so very little to break someone's day. But on the up-side, it's just as easy to make someone's day. I just wish for everyone to try that much harder to make someone else's day today. Just smile. Give them a break. Or tell them you care. It's so simple.