Snow Cross

It's supposed to snow on Thursday. Probably only a dusting, and probably only in the higher elevations, but I am not going to be picky. Tahoe is absolutely beautiful when it snows. Even just bits of snow on the mountains make it feel so much more welcoming. It took me a long time to get used to the exposed rock all around the basin, and even moreso without the snow, so I'm excited for its return.

This is an image from tahoewindjammers.com that shows Mt. Tallac in the background. Focus on the top of the mast of the boat on the right. Just above and to the left is the snow cross. It leans slightly to the right but you can make it out. The snowfall last winter was so light that the last bit of snow on the "snow cross" on Mt. Tallac melted in late August.


I took this one of Mt. Tallac in February this year. If you compare the two you can almost make out where the cross is. There are years when the snow cross stays throughout the year. The Washoe Indians that originally lived in the Tahoe area have legends that say when the snow cross melts, the tribe would go to war with neighboring tribes. This may or may not be historically accurate but would make sense given the lack of precipitation during those years.

There are many places in Tahoe where you can hike and ski back country but Mt. Tallac is one of the most popular. Only the early bird gets the fresh untracked powder because it's so accessible and not necessarily a brush with death to attempt. There's a North-facing bowl at the top that catches great powder. But the more serious thrill-seakers dive off the cross. Apparently you can ski or ride all the way down to your car. I'm thinking the hike up 4,000 feet would be tough, but that has to be part of the allure.

Let it snow...

Monterey

This April, just after I moved to California, my friend LTall was in Monterey for business. It was about a 4 hour drive so I decided to go visit her. Monterey is way beautiful. And LTall is way cool. We couldn't have had more fun or spent better quality time together. I miss you girl. I hope you're doing well. MUAH!


Remember sitting on the beach watching the boys row and listening to the sea lions bark?

Also, this picture really isn't black and white. It's really just that muted. And the picture I'm not posting? From the happy hour.. do you still have that one?

:)

Ice Cream Makes Everything Better

This week has been the worst week I've had since moving to Tahoe. The worst. Hands down. But stress in this environment is transient and life has a way of smoothing out the bumps. My boss, probably feeling at least as much stress as I am if not more, randomly decided we should get milkshakes and drive up to Emerald Bay, one of the best views on the lake. I didn't really expect it to help but I felt 100% better. Fearing for my life as he kind of absent mindedly swerves around the switchbacks overhanging several hundred feet of cliff while making offhanded comments about getting low on brake fluid kind of puts things in perspective. Just what the doctor ordered. Ice cream makes everything better.

Great Falls

You know how things seem way more romantic in pictures? And somehow you see pictures of places you go all the time and you wonder why you never noticed the beauty before? There’s this climbing area just outside of D.C. at Great Falls on the Virginia side. You can climb all down the river literally hanging above the water.

It’s really nice because it’s usually in the shade and most of the approaches are only about 10 minute walks. Also, if you’re nice to the ranger he’ll let you park in the “climbing lot” which is a lot closer to the climbing areas.

I was looking through my pics the other day and realized that some of the pictures from Great Falls came out really well. Not that I'm the best photographer but it almost seems like it’s not the same place. It’s just interesting to me how it can seem so different.

Kitty!!!

I came out the other morning to a driveway full of garbage. Doh! The neighbor’s garbage had been ransacked too. Don’t you just love it when the asparagus you tossed last week is now a gooey green liquid?! Yeah.. Good times.

I thought maybe it was a bear because my neighbor said she heard grunting one night. The next week we found a different neighbor’s trash all down the road. But then the other morning I saw something wandering around outside. Wow.. that’s a big cat. No, wait.. that’s a raccoon. A big raccoon. I guess you’d be big too if you were as well fed as this guy.

We have lovingly dubbed our trash fiend “Nermal”. The image is a bit fuzzy but you can make him out.

No hats and no cell phones

The first thing I did when I got here was get online and buy season passes to the local ski resorts. The second thing I did was get online and try to find my way on a sailboat for the summer. I signed up on a crew list for the Windjammer Yacht Club. It was local and free so I figured, why not? A couple of weeks later I got an email from the very experienced captain of a 26 foot J-80. (I say experienced because he directed me to read about one of his recent experiences at sea.) Since then, every Wednesday night is the Beer Can race and just about every weekend is some kind of mid or long-distance regatta. This is a picture of us in the Southern Crossing in late June. Yes, that's snow on the mountains in the background. Very cool.

Courtesy of a phone call from the captain of the J-80, this weekend I'm going to San Francisco to be on the Race Committee for the Aldo Alessio. I really don't know much about it except that it's going to increase my chances of getting a berth on the race committee at the Big Boat Series in September. This is important because both races are run out of the St. Francis Yacht Club and I would like nothing more than to secure a crew berth on the foredeck of a boat for the mid-winter races in the bay this year. What better place to meet someone with a boat and in need of crew than the St. Francis Yacht Club?

I am so excited I am shaking and so nervous my heart is very nearly pounding out of my chest. Apparently this Yacht Club fits all the stereotypes. I started to get nervous when the J-80 captain started briefing me on the Yacht Club rules of etiquette. I never really thought of myself as the Yacht Club type, but this could be really f-ing cool. I leave tomorrow morning around 3am to get to the bay in time. I hope to return with many pictures.

Second Hand

I’ve always been a Thrift Store shopper, but lately it’s become an obsession. There are so many thrift stores here. The first time I went a got this cute little wooden bowl for salads and things like that for $5. Then one time I went and found the perfect cowgirl hat for $2. (I wear it a lot.) And I get a lot of clothes there. It’s amazing how much life $10 at the Thrift Store will put back into your wardrobe. Then I found the perfect cupboard for my kitchen, $35. And a really nice mirror for the wall, $35. And then this painting for this other wall for $9. And some tablespoons because all I had were the little teaspoon ones. And this really awesome carafe for water. I mean seriously, the list goes on and on.

Of course my house is now more like a home that someone with half a sense of style might live in and less like the blank-walled, bike in the kitchen, bunk bed (just kidding) house of a post-college pre-adult individual. So that’s a good thing. But now I have to curb my enthusiasm for slightly used items and get down to just enjoying the things I already have. Otherwise before you know it I’ll have to take a bunch of stuff to the thrift store because I bought too many things I didn’t need. I’m all about donating, but I need to stop buying!

My furniture, wardrobe, dishes, and silverware are probably quite honestly 90% second-hand. And when I tell people that they flat out don’t believe me. I think it’s great. The only thing I don’t buy at thrift stores are things like underwear, climbing gear (not like they have any of that stuff), electronics, and usually shoes although I did buy a great pair of Birkenstock’s the other day. There may just be no hope…

Armed and Dangerous

Today my boss asked me how to spell “culprit” for an email he was writing. It kind of makes you wonder what exactly he needs to say that culprit seemed a fitting noun.

I suppose if he didn’t want to say culprit he could have said offender, criminal, guilty party, perpetrator, wrongdoer. See what I mean? Just not your standard business language.

Baby Sisters

My baby sister is on an air craft carrier somewhere between here and the Middle East. This is somewhat distressing because, well, the Middle East is pretty much perpetually in turmoil. It is also somewhat puzzling because my baby sister, who really isn't a baby anymore, was the last person any of us expected to join the military. We are all indescribably proud of her and happy that she's seeing the World and experiencing something so amazing that most of us can't even imagine it. But I am still always reminded that she is still my drama queen baby sister and even though she is very far from home, she is still happy and bubbly and very much herself. I love this about her.

And almost as if I had forgotten how my little sister is, today I got an email from her telling me about all the great places she visits, the crazy things that happen on the ship, and details from home that even I haven't heard yet. And at the end, a post script.

P.S. I could die any day and you NEVER write me!!!!!! :(

You gotta love baby sisters.

It’s funny

the things that have value here. I remember living in D.C. and the things that made me feel like I belonged, as though I had “made it”. A suit, heals, my cell phone, a latte from Starbucks. Here? It’s important to have a good pair of hiking boots, a nice wide-brimmed hat, and four wheel drive. I’ve used my rope and my camelback more often since moving here than my perfume.

Today I was cleaning out my sea bag after a Wednesday night sailboat race and I was putting my sailing shoes under the end of my bed where all my shoes go. I had to shove my “going out heals” aside for about the hundredth time, and it occurred to me how useless heals are here. I doubt I would be gawked at in one of the casinos where every other girl there is wearing a formal gown and stilettos. But I’d fit in just as well in jeans and flip flops and be a damn sight more comfortable.

I just love that the things that have value here are so different. Function over form. I think I just fit in better.

I miss the rain.

I love rain. L-O-V-E. I grew up in upstate New York which apparently has the same number of overcast days as Seattle. If you’ve ever been upstate you know what I mean. Apparently some of the highest college suicide rates. But I think the rain is wonderful. It makes me feel at home.

It’s always sunny here. Always! It’s almost depressing. (I think I’m wired funny or something.) Tahoe is beautiful, I shouldn’t complain. I just wish we could have the occasional rainy day.. I have a raincoat. And boots. I would be all set!

I love waking up to the sound of rain. Napping in the rain. Mountain biking in the rain. (I like mud a lot.) But then maybe the lake wouldn’t be so blue.. hmm..

This is why I can’t live in Tahoe forever. You have to have a goal right?

This is what I miss about D.C.

It's like watching paint dry

So I always said I wanted to be single. Good for my character I thought. With my parents it was almost an unspoken expectation. My Mom worked in Saudi for a year in her twenties. My Dad was drafted and then worked as an iron worker all over the West for a few years. That's a big part of why I moved out here. I wanted to spend a little time on my own. I didn't really anticipate being single. I had visions of nurturing this great relationship I was in. Heh..

But anyway, here I am. And I suppose it's not so bad. But give it time. Maybe it will suck more tomorrow. Maybe it will suck less. YOU NEVER KNOW. I keep myself mostly busy. I found a great mountain biking trail just up the road. Yesterday I rode as hard as I could until I felt like I might puke. Then I'd stop and suck wind for a minute. Then climb back on my bike and do it again. I was actually kind of glad nobody was there to see me in such pitiful shape. I almost got attacked by a dog too. Poor thing had the saddest bark you ever heard. Sounded more like a pitiful moaning. I think he really wanted to come play but felt torn between what he was supposed to do and fun. Poor guy.

I want a dog so bad. But I'd have to move because my apartment doesn't allow pets. I want an adult dog. My theory is if I walk into a shelter or the humane society that my dog will find me. Perfect! Everybody should get to choose their family don't you think?

Oh, my car died. That was fun. Gave me something to dwell on for a few hours. My boss graciously let me borrow a vehicle to get home. My car decided to die in the valley. In all fairness it waited until I had crested the pass. At least I could coast down into the valley. Rates are probably cheaper down there anyway. So now I'm sporting my boss' minivan. (Why do I get the boss with the minivan? Where are all the porche driving boss' whose second vehicle is something sweet like a jeep wrangler?) I shouldn't complain. I am really grateful to have something to drive. Seriously, a rental at $40 a day could get pricey.

I found a new restaurant down next to the expensive laundromat. The best way to describe it is a hippy joint with veggie everything and damn good too! (When you come visit me I'll take you there.) I was waiting for my clothes to wash and decided to wander a bit. Did I mention it's beautiful here?

I think the most depressing part about this single bs is it's after midnight on a Wednesday and I'm still up. I'm tired but not really interested in sleep. The house is fairly picked up. Laundry's done. Heh. Maybe tomorrow I'll clean the bathroom. Wooh! Mostly I'm just bored.

For now my theory is that being single is all about figuring out what to do with your day. Work is a no brainer, so that's 8 hours I don't have to worry about. Then there's about an hour for dinner/cleaning up. Working out is 1-2 hours. That leaves.. oh.. 3 or 4 more in between to figure out what to do with. But then there's the dreaded weekend. (Oh God, Oh God, we're all going to die.) Weekends are the worst. So much time on your hands. I ride my bike. I painted a little last weekend. I make lists of things to do. A feeble attempt to escape the boredom at some future date. I go to the gym which doesn't happen to be very busy at 9pm on a Friday in case you were wondering. And I watch movies. Lots and lots of movies.

Technical Difficulties

For some reason, I can't get to Blogger from my laptop. Sweet. Anybody know somebody that wants to fix my computer? I think I'm allergic to them.

And now, a bulleted list: (I am lazy.)

• Yesterday was the last day of the season at Heavenly, and there was a foot of fresh powder. A foot, I kid you not.
• Kirkwood is open until next weekend so I'm not quite grounded. Not just yet.
• I skipped work last Monday at my boss' request to go snowboarding. And I did. All day. Sweet.
• I joined the gym finally. There's a jacuzzi in the women's locker room. I am happy.

That is all.

I have seen the light (like a DUI roadblock in the sky)

I have to admit, I've been flying a little differently since I got here. Singing a bit of a different tune. I am completely and totally in love with my new home, and I've noticed a few changes in my demeanor.

I have always considered myself to be a conservative person. Yes, I do some non-conservative things, but I do them safely. Sorta. I'm typically not a risk taker or a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda girl. I rock climb but I've had to work hard to overcome my fear of heights. I snowboard but always hang back on the safe side of things. And I am definitely not an adrenaline junkie. I feel that rush and I back off. I never liked feeling out of control.

When I went to Colorado over Thanksgiving I spent a week riding the "groomers" because there wasn't really enough snow to be in the trees much. The group I was with would have much preferred the trees and OB if at all possible. I was secretly grateful to be safely on the predictable groomed trails and not deep in the "pow" dodging trees. (For the record, I think "pow" is a ridiculous slang term. I use it purely in the context of the group I was with. Aaannd maybe to make fun of them a bit. The only thing worse is calling basketball "hoop". Seriously, just say basketball. Or ball. That would do. Boys. But I digress.)

I couldn't really understand why you would want to dodge trees risking life and limb (not to mention your lift ticket) when you could cruise like mad on the nice, safe, groomed trails. But yesterday something snapped. I was about half way down the killer tree run I mentioned yesterday and I got a rush of adrenaline. And I liked it! Wow... So this is what they've been talking about. I wanted more. I spent the rest of the day and all day today seeking out every tree, every rock. And I found them. Trees, rocks, and bumps galore. Oh God I've died and gone to heaven.

Maybe it's the laid back new me. Maybe it's the town or the knowledge that the next good stretch of riding won't be until next November. I'm like a fox in a hen house. A redneck at a Nascar race. haha.. I'm as giddy as a school girl. I've never jumped before and suddenly I'm jumping at every opportunity. I've never bombed so many tree runs or mogul fields in my life! I crave speed. Sweet. But seriously, who is this new me and where did she come from?!? I was beginning to wonder if perhaps I was not as adventurous as I thought. Phew... Also, I smile a lot more. Can't imagine why... :)

Go to Heavenly, ride like Hell.

Now I know why they call it Heavenly

If I could tell you what Heaven looked like, this is what I would describe.

I'm in Paradise. The views are breathtaking. The snowboarding is phenomenal. And the best part? I live here. It sort of hits me every now and then and I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. (A lot of that going on lately.) It's completely and totally overwhelming. Breathtaking, inviting, and intoxicatingly surreal. I can honestly say there is nowhere else I would rather be.

This trail is nicknamed "The Stream". There's an actual stream running underneath it. (Apparently when it gets warm people occasionally fall through.) Also, you can't really see, but up and to the left under the lift there's a killer tree run that I am determined to master. I kicked it's butt yesterday but I am going to do it better tomorrow. Hopefully more pictures to come...

There is only one thing missing. I wish my friends were here to share this with me. I never thought I would miss everyone this much. I just hope they'll all come to their senses and get the hell out here! At least for a visit. I miss you all terribly and I can't wait to see you again. Muah!

There and back again

To all of you I don't get to update regularly but miss dearly..

Tuesday - Got off to a late start. It was 11:30 am before I finally got on the road. And made it all the way to... wait for it... Frederick before having to stop. Wow. Just didn't get anywhere near enough sleep in the past week. Pushed hard though and finally pulled into my grandparents 14 hours later. Phew. At least I have a day off from driving now. The truck and trailer really aren't as bad as I'd feared. Just can't cut corners and people are surprisingly considerate. Well, most people.

Wednesday - I spent the day with my grandparents and a few aunts, uncles and cousins visiting and napping. I really miss being able to see them on a regular basis. It's kind of sad now that a lot of us are "growing up". We used to automatically see each other on holidays but it's becoming more frequent to go a couple of years without catching up. How sad.. Also, my Grandfather was truly sincere when he said "Your mother knows what it's like now to have all of her children moving far away. Serves her right!" I don't think he ever quite got over her going out on her own.

Thursday - I made it past Oklahoma City, my goal for the second day of the drive. I'm in a fairly nice Super 8 for the bargain price of $56. Woo hoo!! My only goal for this evening is a shower and sleep! It rained very hard on and off throughout the day but I didn't see any of the tornados I kept hearing about. I did see the St. Louis Arch and managed a very grainy picture with my camera phone. Next stop, Flagstaff. It's funny how poor my geography (geology?? - haha..just kidding) is once you get West of the Mississippi. Sad but true. I completely forgot I would be driving through Illinois and this is the second time I've taken this particular route.. Yes, laugh, but at least I know which state the Grand Canyon is in! (You had to look it up didn't you?)

The fastest way to a girl's heart..

..is to buy her snowshoes.

I heard Tahoe got 7 ft of snow last week! And now I believe I am fully prepared.

Look at the claws!! Aren't they pretty?

My five minutes are up

In recent months I have been struggling with a certain person in my life. One who seemed intent on pushing me down for the sake of their own reputation. I knew this someone would be a problem yet I climbed aboard anyway with a big heart and loving attitude in the name of a challenge and new experiences. It went alright for a while, but slowly deteriorated into what we all feared. And before I knew it, I had spent countless hours of my own time to help the cause yet was attacked at every fork in the road.

In every instance I chose to be the better person. I took the higher road. I fought the good fight. And one day, I decided it wasn't worth it. I walked away. But still the effects bog me down. I feel angry when I should feel accomplishment. I am cynical where I ought to be excited. And worst of all, I fear that my next challenge will be tainted with the bitter taste in my mouth.

And then as if on cue, I got a little message from D.H. Lawrence. I was watching G.I. Jane and that quote used by the Master Chief on day one of SEAL training struck a chord in me.

I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough Without ever having felt sorry for itself. ~ D.H. Lawrence

In reading a bit more about D.H. Lawrence on wiki, I am pleasantly surprised that his works were characterized by issues relating to emotional health and vitality, and the dehumanizing effects of modernity and industrialization. How fitting.

I've been one pitiful creature the last few months, and I have no one to blame but myself. All this, "poor me" and "it's so unfair" nonsense. I talked about how the situation sucked and it was a good learning experience. I tried to look at it as a lesson and think of how lucky I was to have learned it in a supportive and positive environment. But it kept haunting my like a bad scary movie. I had been struggling to find a way to shake all the negativity. Some things worked, but only temporarily. So perhaps this will be the straw that broke the camel's back. No more pity party, it's time for me to get over it.

It's like the crying rule. You get five minutes. Five long minutes to cry and moan, complain and whine, but after the five minutes are up. It's done. Over. No more pity party. Just deal with it and move on.

Because I need the reminder

One final paragraph of advice: do not burn yourselves out. Be as I am - a reluctant enthusiast....a part-time crusader, a half-hearted fanatic. Save the other half of yourselves and your lives for pleasure and adventure. It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it’s still here. So get out there and hunt and fish and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, climb the mountains, bag the peaks, run the rivers, breathe deep of that yet sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for a while and contemplate the precious stillness, the lovely, mysterious, and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to the body, the body active and alive, and I promise you this much; I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those desk-bound men and women with their hearts in a safe deposit box, and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this; You will outlive the bastards.

~Edward Abbey

Right now less is more

I was thinking that maybe what I need right now is less. Less responsibility. Less stress. Less clutter. I keep applying for these jobs that would step me up the proverbial ladder a rung or two and I'm not entirely sure that's what I want. I kind of want to just chill out for a while. Get rid of this burned out feeling I can't seem to shake. I am already starting to feel the dread of more responsibility creaping into my heart and I haven't even quit my job yet!

I bought three books the other day. One on .Net, one on the ADO.net framework, and one on project management. So what is it I think I'm going to do work all day, study in the evening, and then what? Say I learn .Net and everything there is to know about project management. Do I want to be a .Net developer? Do I want to be a project manager? I'm growing increasingly
envious of my friends who leave work and play video games all evening while I go to the gym and train clients for four hours.

But there was a reason I got that second job. I needed the experience so I could get away from sitting at a desk all day and more into doing something fun like training. And I like training, but I don't know if I want to do it all day. But it would be a lot less responsibility and a lot less stress.

For the past few months I have been looking at the world through thick cynical glasses. It's like a bad dream and I can't seem to focus on anything good. May as well ditch the glasses and fumble around in the dark. It takes very little to push me over the edge. Short fuse, big bomb. I want to live on the other side of the spectrum. I want to be a ski bum. At the end of the day, nothing matters but the powder and soothing sore legs. No worries..

BASKET CASE

I wouldn't consider myself stingy. I'm usually a bit frivolous, actually. I remember feeling really embarrassed once because I hesitated to spring for a deck of cards. I was with a bunch of upperclassmen on a ski team trip in college and they all were all a bit miffed by my second thought about a $2 deck. Since then I've sort of made it a point to not let money really matter in situations like that. Now I'm like a kid who just got her allowance; money kind of burns a hole in my pocket. But with the move getting so close I've been singing a different tune.

Today I wouldn't go grocery shopping because I didn't have my shopper's club cardwith me. Normally I would have walked in anyway, but the prospect of spending approximately $7 more than I had to was too much. I'm so terrified about the move and anxious about not having enough money, it's really changed my whole outlook.

On one hand, this is good. At least my "urban survival" skills are kicking in. But on the other hand it's kind of stressful. I wish I just didn't have to worry about it. Soon enough I suppose.

Seriously, though, I'm stressed. I have dreams about crazy things happening. I'm terrified of anything and everything going wrong. I can reason with myself from now until the end of time but it really doesn't do much for my obsessive need to know what "the plan" is. And it's kind of hard to know the plan when I'm still not sure where I'm working.

I'll be so happy when I can just sit back in my couch, look out my window at Lake Tahoe, and finally know that I accomplished my goal. Until then, I'm strongly considering prozac. Or Vallium. Mmm.. Vallium!

So here's my theory.

I have this space in my head for thoughts. Sort of just a holding area where they go after I've thought them up. And when the space gets full, they all come rushing out in a flood as though the dam has just broken. Solid scientific theory, wouldn't you say?

It's weird. Sometimes I'll go for weeks without a single good thing to write. Other times I'll write five or six good things in a day. (Yes, I know good is relative.) I don't understand why it's not more consistent. I suppose like everything it cycles like a pendulum, back and forth between extremes.

But how am I supposed to have a career as a profitable writer if I can't have a decent thought for a week? That and the fact that my grammar, spelling, and punctuation are total shit. This is seriously cramping my style, you know? Ah well. I suppose I'll have to make the best of it.

Google-Fu

I was sitting on the floor of my room the other night making inappropriate comments in a birthday card about the shape of the squid on the cover, and it struck me that I didn't know how to spell phallic. I wasn't sure if it started with an 'f' or a 'ph' and are there two l's?

Since my computer has been slow and not wanting to load Internet Explorer lately, I was in a bit of a bind. I checked around for a dictionary but to no avail. WTF?!? I've become so dependent on the Internet that I can't even SPELL without it!!

What to do.. what to do...

After much persuasion and kind words to my cpu I was able to google it and find that it is indeed a 'ph' with two l's. Phew...

Don't you love how google is now a perfectly exceptable verb?

Update: Is it funny or sad that I wrote exceptable rather than acceptable? Lauren.. thank you for the correction. I baffle myself, but perhaps my error makes my point more clear. I am helpless without the Internet.

Absolute genius

Animation 1
Animation 2

Just for today

I will give thanks for my many blessings.

I will not worry.

I will not be angry.

I will do my work honestly.

I will be kind to my neighbor and every living thing.

I was in NY visiting a friend last summer and I saw this taped to the bathroom mirror. I didn't ask her if she wrote it, I probably should, but I think it's something we could all see when we look in the mirror in the morning. Make a small change just for today...

Note to self

1) Breathe

I had to sub a 30 minute abs class for another instructor last week. I was excited, but nervous. It came off alright but was more disorganized than I would have liked. I know about 3 million ab exercises, but the transitions were choppy. Then following it I taught an unremarkable yoga class. I did alright, but there wasn't as much energy as I would have liked. I didn't get too down on myself, I have off weeks, but I knew I could do better.

I used to teach a sculpt class that I made up myself. But my yoga class is all pre-choreographed with music and everything. I feel more comfortable that way, more confident. My sculpt class was always popular, but it's nice when you don't have to worry about both delivery and content. If the content is set, you can work our your performance. Never thought of teaching group fitness as a performance, but that's what makes a good class...

This week I had to teach the abs class again. But this time it rocked!! I planned out what exercises I would use and put them in a well-designed format so there would be very little turning over onto your belly and then back or getting up and down. I think I did an awesome job.. Then my yoga class was right on point. It was smooth and energetic. Jammed room. I always do better with a really full class. I just feed off the energy. But anyway.. it helped me to remind myself that I can do this. I just need to take a breath and center myself.

2) Don't feel so small

Sometimes I think I get defensive when I feel small. Like Napoleon or something, out to prove that size doesn't matter. It's not size so much with me, but I still think I cop an attitude way more than I should. But if I could just find a little more confidence within myself I think things would go much smoother. Some lady last night got all worked up at me for not going fast enough on the beltway. I wasn't in her way, she was just mad at the world apparently. But I just kind of shrugged and didn't worry about it. It felt good not to feel so small and feel the need to defend myself.

3) Smile

I always get asked in stores whether I work there. And I think maybe it's because I smile at people. Yes, I smile, wipe that shocked look off your face.. I just feel sorry for people wandering aimlessly around a store obviously in need of some assistance, so I smile. And then they must assume I'm being paid to smile at them so they ask me questions. Strange stuff, but smiles really do help people.

4) Do more yoga

Yoga cures nearly anything that ails me these days. I always feel better after yoga. I wish I could take other people's classes more. I usually only have time for me own, and that's different. Good, but different. Last night though, I think I came really close to teaching my ideal class. It was fantastic. There was a ton of energy in the room. Every time I said something I could see everyone in the room respond.

During balance I asked them to "fill your lungs on all sides" and I could see everyone's chest rise together. Then in forward folds, "really release the shoulders feeling weight through the back of your neck to the crown of your head" and everyone just let go and dangled their arms to the floor. It was beautiful. During relaxation I could see everyone quite literally melting into the floor. It was awesome to see that kind of group energy and engagement. My goal in teaching yoga is to take everyone to the limits of their strength and flexibility and then relax them to the point where every pore forms a goosebump as the tension melts away.

I just wanted to remind myself what I'm really aiming for.

A slight improvement

For the past few months I've been meeting with another personal trainer about once a week. We get together to work out and share training strategies and routines. Working with her has really helped my instruction and she seems to really enjoy the new ideas. One of my problems is telling people too much. They kind of overload and stop listening so I need to learn to give them small bits at a time.

Despite my improvements in training I've been in a rut lately. Not eating horribly, but not really eating well either. I don't think I've been to the grocery store in months! And I've been feeling like crap. Big surprise right? Serves me right. Training has actually cut into my own training schedule as well. I guess I work if given the opportunity where I used to take a class or lift in the past. It's strange.

This week I started making my morning shakes again. It's been great. I feel good about drinking a low fat high protein shake with lots of vitamins in it. I have energy and it tastes good. If I get food in my belly before my coffee I drink more water, I feel more energetic, and I get more things done. It's amazing what a clear head will do for you.

Enough is enough!!

I am not the lethargic person I have become and this has got to stop. I am young and energetic. I am vibrant and inspired! But my behavior as of late has been in disagreement with who I am inside.

I feel drained by my desk job and the bitter people I encounter. I feel discouraged in the face of apathy. The moment I sit down at my desk I'm finished. I feel like quitting.

I think I'm ready

When I first got to D.C. my life was crazy. I lived 2 hours from work in a tiny little apartment with three other people. I had to leave the house crazy early to beat the traffic only to find myself with two hours to kill. It didn't take long before I got a gym membership to fill the space. (Amazingly, what started as a way to pass the time has turned into a side career as a personal trainer and group fitness instructor. Crazy how that works.)

I remember running on the treadmill or climbing endlessly on the stair climber while watching the sun come up. It was encouraging to know I was up doing something with myself before the sun came up, but also depressing because I was up doing something with myself before the sun came up. (Who does that?)

Living that far from work was draining to say the least. I thought I was being an adult, getting a job, making the necessary sacrifices for a better life. I felt successful, depsite the fact that it sucked. I tore through books that year. Two hours on the train gives you a lot of time to read. I caught up with people on the phone in the car while I drove home from the train station. But I was still commuting four hours a day.

The first six months of my first "real" job were heinous. I was one miserable girl. I was doing excrutiatingly boring work for good money and great benefits a long way from home. Bad combination. The commute, the boredom, and the tight living arrangements were enough to drive me insane. But the promise of my career kept me going. Fortunately the work slowly got better and I finally moved a lot closer to work and got a much bigger house with three amazing girls who would later become my best friends.

I have to make fun of myself for molding so predictably to my new environment. I started wearing heals to work. I still get lattes from Starbucks every morning. I learned to play the part of a city girl. I was doing well.

Despite the improvements, I told myself each year would be my last. I used to put reminders in my Outlook calendar to ask myself "Why the hell are you still here?" at periodic intervals. So depressing. But I stayed, and got promoted, and worked harder, and learned more. All the while dreaming and having fun, meeting amazing people, living and experiencing life.

Don't misunderstand. This has been an amazing experience. The initial six months of learning and doing the "grunt work" on the job were to be expected. It's a great job. I've learned more than I ever thought possible and gained some invaluable experience. And it's D.C. So much to do, so many amazing people. I was fortunate to have a place to live when I first got here. And I'm grateful to have people who cared about me within reach. I grew to love the city.

It's been three years now, short by most standards. But my pre-D.C. life seems like ages ago. I think I've grown up a lot. I've definitely learned a lot and grown as a person. So of course despite my desires, the thought of leaving was bitter sweet. There are so many things here that I haven't experienced. So many places to go and restaurants to try. So much history. So many trails I haven't hiked and streams to be explored. So many people I haven't spent enough time with.

But I've also lost touch with some things along the way. Parts of myself that I'm not ready to let go of. And I want them back. I've stopped dreaming about the present. My dreams are all about the future. I've become much less generous and more unforgiving. I'm less trustful and more skeptical. I miss the kinder, gentler, freer version of myself. I barely even write anymore. I kind of drone through the work week and dread the coming of another Monday. Not ideal.

So the "bitter" in bitter-sweet has definitely faded. But the true turning point was very recent. Until then amidst all the plans to get the hell out of dodge I was sad. The mood was somber.

The other night I walked out of the gym after teaching an unremarkable yoga class. (The same gym where I got my first membership.) I looked at the skyline where I used to watch the sun rise each morning. The same skyline but for a few more high rises, and I realized I was ready to go. No longer am I sad for what I'm leaving behind. I'm ready a slower pace. Less traffic. More trees. I want my dreams back. My hopefullness back. I want to live in the moment.

It sounds like I'm retiring. But hopefully I'm just growing up. Or at least becoming much more myself. The self I know I can be. I'm going to miss everyone dearly, but I can't wait to go.

I'm glad I'm finally ready.

A twist on the ordinary

I'm not pessimistic, but not really optimistic either.

No, you're the one who says "Who the F*@# took the other half of my water?!?"

I about fell of my chair laughing. Totally something I would say. That's what you love about me... aggressive and cynical as hell..

There will always be speedbumps

The trick is to get a little air off them as you hit them...

It has been a trying year, I must say. But I'm still here and I am a stronger more well-rounded person for it. I just wanted to say thank you to all of my friends who keep me sane when I really just want to jump off a bridge or not get out of bed in the morning.

You guys rock!

To better times ahead...

This year I want to take a moment to appreciate what I have achieved and make a resolution not to let my accomplishments fade. I want to integrate the growth and experiences of this past year into the person I am becoming. I want to weave the lessons I've learned and the moments that have touched me into the very fabric of my being.

Life brings new things each day, and the best resolution I can think to make is to take it with me.

At this time next year I hope I can look back on the things I am proud of today and smile because they are still very much a part of me. I want to build a better me by slowly filing away at my rough edges and polishing up the smooth ones.

This year I want to still be willing and able to drive all day for any occasion no matter how small. A party. A friend's birthday. Or maybe just because I have an extra day and wouldn't it be fun to go?!

This year I want to listen more to myself. It seems I'm always playing the role of my own personal life coach. My one-woman cheer section. My therapist, my planner, my own best friend. (Not to discredit all of my friends, because they are wonderful. I could not be me without them.) But in not listening to my own advice I am my own worst enemy. I need to pay attention to the voice in my head. Read what I've written. Review the things I've earmarked from others work and put myself in the right frame of mind. Create my own reality and not blindly follow what I think others have set out for me as though they had me in mind.

This year I want to hold onto my faith. My faith in the future I keep working toward. My faith in other people. My faith in myself. My faith in something bigger than myself and my own little world. I am troubled because I feel it slowly slipping away. I feel jadedness and cynicism tugging at my shirt sleeves and I don't want to let them in. So I resolve to keep my head above water and keep my eyes on the horizon of a bright new day.

This year I want to connect more with my world. I want to be more accepting and less afraid. Take the good and the bad and fight my urge to turn away.

And finally, this year I just want to keep life simple. I want to sleep under the stars more. Climb a new mountain. Learn a new way to have fun. Keep in touch with my friends. Not own so much stuff. Go snowshoeing. Meditate more. Sleep more. Laugh more. Ride my bike more. Live in the moment.

Here's to an exceptional 2007. Happy New Year everyone! May you have every happiness.

Every day is a new day. Namaste.

A good judge of character

You can tell what kind of person your newscaster is by how they report about the snowstorm in Denver this week. If they talk about how lucky those Colorado residents are, you know they're a winter fan and a damn good person. Or if they spin the storm negatively you know you have to find a new news station.

I really, really wish we could have some more snow this winter. It's been unseasonably warm. We had a gorgeous fall and apparently Mother Nature liked it so much she decided to extend it in lieu of Winter this year. I did see snow once (outside of Colorado). We had a miniature snowstorm that lasted a few minutes a couple of weeks ago. Nothing stuck but it made my heart ache for a real winter.

Earlier this week I was sitting on the bank of the river at the bottom of the rock I was about to climb. S2H was clinging to the rock while I belayed him up the route. It was surreal because the water was crystal clear. And the heat of the 70 degree day was funneling down through the gorge. But with the cold water there would be short bits of cold air mixed in with the warm breaze. It was an amazing day, but bitter sweet because in a perfect world on a late December day we would be wearing snowshoes.

What I wouldn't give to shovel the walkway. To battle snow drifting across the road as I drive white-knuckled to work. To bundle up in my long coat and come indoors with rosey cheeks knocking the snow from my boots. I've been flipping through pictures of Denver that people have sent in to TheDenverChannel.com and it helps a little. At least to remind myself winter isn't gone forever. It's just not here right now. And would I please leave a message for when she finally decides to return.

I can't wait to move somewhere more me-friendly. This place just doesn't fit my needs. Even the bugs in Denver are ready for winter...

What forgiveness really is

My mom always told me I was unforgiving and that I needed to learn to let things go. I always knew she was right, but it still seemed that just letting things go was not a reasonable or acceptable answer. There are a lot of crappy people out there doing unkind things to each other every day and I saw no reason why I was supposed to be okay with it.

Granted and hopefully in the majority, there are also relatively normal people just trying to get by who for whatever reason do something untoward that may not have been intended that way. I have a hard time distinguishing between these two scenarios emotionally. At the end of the day it still hurts.

Regardless of the intent or character of the offending individual, the end result is the same. Something someone else did has hurt or otherwise negatively affected me and it doesn't seem fair to say "no problem," and just move on as though nothing happened. I've always sort of operated under the assumption that people just shouldn't do mean things, damn it, and if they were going to suck then F 'em. Let them suck far away from me. (Never mind that I almost certainly do mean things to others without intending to. Or maybe I do intend to and choose to ignore this ugly truth about myself.)

This has obvious implications. It makes me a runner (someone who runs from problems) and probably a coward. It makes me a poor problem solver and probably even worse at communicating. And it just sucks because I'm handing my freedom over to anyone but myself and forcing myself to change who I am or the choices I make for lack of a better way to deal with things. But most of all it makes me so damn irritated all the time.

I've recognized this as a problem for a long time but I still haven’t come up with a workable solution. I needed a plan or at least a rule to follow when I encountered a situation in which I felt walked upon or hurt by someone I couldn’t reconcile with. I try to simply ignore stupid people and their ridiculous actions that directly affect me. I constantly try to remove myself emotionally from difficult people and situations. But I think the main problem is being able to wrap my feeble little mind around the idea that people have their own issues to deal with and I am probably the least of their concerns. (See previous post about assuming the world does not revolve around me.) Just because all signs point to malicious intent or absolute and total ignorance, it doesn't mean they woke up with the intent to be mean to me today. Or even if they did, maybe they think they have a good reason and either way what the Hell can I do about it? Or maybe they're spiteful and mean and if they tear you down then by God they are a better person in comparison.

Sigh..

It seems a hopeless battle. I refuse to forgive people for being so RIDICULOUS. On a REGULAR BASIS. It's not okay with me and I'm not going to tell them it's okay because it's not!!!

I get so. Angry. Every. Day.

It is apparent to me that I have already lost years off of my life just by being so angry with people all the time. And of course I'm not perfect and have no doubt hurt other people both intentionally and not. But hopefully most of the items in the intentional category have long since been written into history.

Finally this morning I finished reading a friend's post about accountability and one paragraph in particular struck me. Maybe I'm just looking at all of this the wrong way. Forgiveness doesn't mean it’s okay. It doesn’t mean what they did is acceptable. It doesn't mean I have to tell them I forgive them and that it's alright. It doesn’t mean I have to like them or even be friendly with them in the future. It makes no promises about what I do in the next few moments, days, weeks, or years. I’m not accepting the actions of someone else as justified or in some way deserved. I am in fact arming myself against the hurt and allowing myself to move on.

What a concept. I may actually be able to introduce this new word forgiveness into my vocabulary. And I’ll file it in the often used and positive implications section.

From The Poet's Live Journal Entry from December 13:

I mean, forgiveness is great – really all it means is finding peace with something that someone else has done so that you’re no longer hurting; it has nothing to do with the other person; that’s reconciliation and is a different essay entirely because it implies the complicity of both parties – but it does you absolutely no good if it just sets you up to get bulldozed again. Luckily most of the time people bulldoze other people because they are operating in two totally different and conflicting realities (mostly for very logical, although not always very productive, reasons), not because of any maliciousness or depravity. Sometimes it’s possible to align those realities (reconciliation), but other times – one or both parties don’t want to communicate, they don’t know how to communicate… and it’s just not possible. So what do you do? You forgive and you insulate yourself from whatever behavior the other exhibits which is out of context and hurtful in your reality, with full understanding (or as full as you can get) of why they operate the way they operate and how it really has nothing to do with you.

Thanks Lauren. I owe you another one.

Self fulfilling prophecy

If you work hard enough at finding fault, before long that's all you'll see. When you're waiting for an axe to fall on your head, the world around you will cease to matter. You will be so focused on the situation at hand that everything else fades out of relevance.

In the same breath, if you seek out light and beauty and positive ideas, you will find them everywhere you look. We choose our path whether destiny helps us along the way or not. And to direct your attitude is in effect taking your life by the reins.

Lasting moments

I had a really great conversation with a coworker the other day. I've been fortunate enough to have a handful of opportunities to share ideas with this person. The talks always seem to be completely spontaneous and definitely enriching. I never want them to end though I usually have piles of work to be done.

We began talking about career development and how setting goals has helped him to feel satisfaction in his life. And the conversation morphed into recognizing accomplishments and taking time out to really evaluate what matters, what makes an accomplishment and what doesn't. Understanding when you are recognized for something that isn't an accomplishment and choosing to believe that credit is actually due for another achievement that went unnoticed. A sort of credit exchange program in the Universe if you will.

He also took the time to reassure me of my great achievement and to encourage me. He told me stories of how people he had trouble with in the past turned out to have a lot of appreciation for him. We talked about how the bad things fade over time and it's the positive things that really stick with you. I hope he's right.

His final parting piece of advice was to have a going-away event of some type though my inclination may be to slip quietly out the back door. A luncheon or get-together however simple is important to recognize and celebrate change. I already know I'll take his advice just because he gave it to me. I have to assume he's right.

I try to soak up every bit of advice I get from those around me. People who have experienced things and who are willing to offer me some bit of what they know.

There aren't many people I'll miss when I go, but he's one of them. There seem to be so few who are above the nonsense, but rooted well into the earth. He's always kind and gentle with seemingly endless knowledge. Always sensible and humble, inquisitive and youthful. I hope to meet more people like him.

In passing

I came across an interesting collection of essays by Paul Graham that seem to address things I have been very interested in recently.

http://www.paulgraham.com/

The one that caught my attention was Do What You Love. I printed it out and have since scribbled tons of comments all over it. I love when that happens.

I've also discovered Mr. Graham has a blog. http://paulgraham.infogami.com/blog/ (Oh how I heart blogs.) And in it he has come up with a very simple, scientific way for me to approach my frustrations as of late. From his 19 April 06 entry entitled "What Drives Bloggers" I quote:

So if you want to discover things that have been overlooked till now, one really good place to look is in our blind spot: in our natural, naive belief that it's all about us. And expect to encounter ferocious opposition if you do.

Conversely, if you have to choose between two theories, prefer the one that doesn't center on you.

This principle isn't only for big ideas. It works in everyday life, too. For example, suppose you're saving a piece of cake in the fridge, and you come home one day to find your housemate has eaten it. Two possible theories:

a) Your housemate did it deliberately to upset you. He knew you were saving that piece of cake.

b) Your housemate was hungry.

I say pick b. No one knows who said "never attribute to malice what can be explained by incompetence," but it is a powerful idea. Its more general version is our answer to the Greeks:

Don't see purpose where there isn't.

Or better still, the positive version:

See randomness.

As it turns out, I have been acting in a grossly self-centered manner and it has dramatically taken away from my quality of life. This new point of view just may make my life easier. Mr. Graham, I'm so happy I found you. I believe I have decided to make you a permanent fixture in this humble space I call my blog.

A Different Christmas Poem

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.

Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

According to Urban Legends Reference Pages:

Internet-circulatd copies of this poem are often attributed to a Lt. Commander Jeff Giles SC, USN, but the International War Veterans' Poetry Archive (IWVPA) lists this poem as a December 2000 effort authored by Michael Marks and includes the following note from him about its origins:

A Soldier's Christmas was the first in this series of patriotic writings, drafted on Pearl Harbor Day 2000 when in the wake of the 2000 Presidential Election our nation saw the right of US Armed Forces personnel openly questioned and debated. I felt it unconscionable that at the onset of the Christmas season, those serving to defend our nation would hear anything but our love and support. It is our challenge to stand for their rights at home while they stand for our lives and safety overseas. This poem went out and quickly spread around the world in emails, letters, magazines. I received letters from Marines in Bosnia, soldiers in Okinawa, from a submariner who xeroxed a copy for everyone on his sub. Moms wrote, dads, brothers and sisters. I have saved and cherish every letter and set out to continue writing throughout the year.

Onomatopoeia

I wish I could make more sounds. I think it would distract people from my inability to articulate my thoughts and feelings. Or perhaps help them to more clearly interpret my moods. Sometimes when you say something people don't believe you. Maybe if you could sound it out for them... What says "F you" better than a good roar? Or announces happiness more clearly than a soft purr?

Some people have a lot of grr in them. Others are far too polite. Ever just feel like growling? I think if I were some kind of growling animal, I would do it a lot. I once pretty nearly barked at a girl during a soccer game in high school because she tackled me illegally. And it hurt! I mean, it wasn't really a bark. But it wasn't really a word either. I kind of just yelled at her. The other girls on the team were like "WTF just came out of you??" Yeah.. I don't know.

I also think I would purr a lot if in fact I could make that sound. I've tried. It comes out sounding something like rolling my Rs and whispering at the same time. But seriously, I think it would be awesome. And how beautifully subtle?

Anyway, I just think it would be easier. And fun. And a welcome change from the monotony of speaking.

I don't want to be a bachelorette

I don't like bachelorette parties and I can't quite put my finger on what the problem is. I suppose I am of two minds on this issue.

If I were friends with a group of females (yes I know, just pretend because in reality this will only happen for fleeting moments). But anyway, if I were friends with a group of females that I liked to do things with and one of us were getting married, it would be just one more excuse for a party. "Congratulations on the choices you're making!! He's so great we're so excited for you!!" This I'm okay with.

But every coin has two sides. Being who I am and not really having a group of female friends, the bachelorette parties I've experienced are dumb. "Let's celebrate your last few days of being single." It's sort of like "well, if you insist on throwing your life away we may as well throw you one last party". Why do people do this? If you love being single so much, why don't you stay that way??

The term that comes readily to mind now to describe my attitude is Grinch. I am okay with this.

I'm not a huge fan of bachelorette parties for a few reasons.

First, bachelorette is not a word. This irritates me. Of course, it's slang and we use it as a word, but the proper term would be bacheloress. It's puzzling to me why we would not use this term instead. I find it highly preferable. Perhaps too much like heiress? We can all thank Ms. Hilton for that negative connotation. Arguably, the only reason I even know about the term bacheloress is because of Wiki. So maybe I just need to disseminate.

Hey ladies, let's use bacheloress instead of bachelorette, 'kay?

Number two reason why I hate bachelorette parties. In many cases, the goal is to get the female in question intoxicated beyond any hope of recollection. Vomiting is actually a plus. "That just means she had a good time!" I beg to differ. In my world, vomiting does not equal fun. I like to drink but why should overdoing it be the central focus of the evening??

Third. I'll just lump them all into this last category; Strippers, prostitutes, and offering your friend up as a piece of meat to give her one last whatever. Duh. I hate this idea beyond any practical description. Your friend is getting married. She does not want to make out with some random guy at the bar nor see over-oiled guys taking their clothes off. And she definitely is not dreaming of living happily ever after as man, wife and STD. Yuck.

I'm not a total stick in the mud. When I go out I like to be crazy and have fun. And I'm all for girls having a party to congratulate their friend's change of status. I just think there are ways to do it, and ways not to. I can handle the games. Pin the cucumber on the hunk is dumb, but harmless. The genitalia paraphanalia isn't so bad. It's pretty much standard these days albeit completely crude. I guess I just don't like what the tradition has come to mean. It should be a celebration of finding love. Not a test of will and confidence in one's decision or kissing one's freedom goodbye as it were.

The party I attended this past weekend had exactly none of the things that make me despise bachelorette parties. The bachelorette was pregnant, so very little booze. The venue was a comedy club, not a strip club. And the girls were all pretty good company. I was exceedingly grateful for all of this but it did nothing for my foul mood. I still felt incredibly depressed and impatient about the whole thing.

It wasn't the girls, they were sweet. The bachelorette is incredibly friendly and fun to be around. There were surprisingly few of the requisite comments about what the boys must be doing. It was just kind of a downer for my mood. I guess it was just depression by association. It's difficult to break through stereotypes and past experiences.

I'm not some kind of bitter single woman still in search of Mr. Right. Nor am I of the smuggly married variety criticizing those who have not chosen my path. I just want to appreciate my single life for the precious experience it is and also to welcome my married life for the sacred union it will be.

Call me crazy, I just want a more meaningful tradition. That or maybe I just had a huge chip on my shoulder last Saturday and I just need to snap out of it.

The Jane

Everyone kept asking me "how was it?" And all I can come up with was "good, it was really good". Which is a totally lame description but I seem to have nothing more to say. It's kind of frustrating because the trip was incredible, there just aren't words to describe it. I have to try though...

My trip was completely amazing. It was everything I wanted it to be. A laid back group of people with a serious addiction to snowboarding. A challenging mountain with breathtaking views. Snowboarding to exhaustion followed by a long soak in a jacuzzi each day. Then good food and a local watering hole each night.

The nice thing about a group of guys is they can be so low key. There was the requisite teasing and jockying for big man on the mountain, but for the most part it was warm-hearted and fun. I really felt like I had nobody to impress the way it sometimes feels amidst a group of females. I just rode hard on the mountain and enjoyed the company of some really nice people at night.

Big mountain boarding is nothing like what we have on the east coast. The mountains are obviously bigger, but that's just the beginning. They have snow. Real natural snow. They have powder, something you'll rarely find in the East. And they mercifully don't often have night skiing. I say mercifully because by 4 when the lifts shut down, you are ready for a break. The crazy part about being off the mountain by 4 is getting an early start to the evening. That puts bedtime back that much earlier and being from a time zone two hours ahead, I was up by 7 or 8 and on the moutain for first run.

I have never been so sore, and never so content to sit and soak in the hot water at the end of the day.

Being so early in the season the snow wasn't the best. Not many runs open and not much fresh powder, but the little we did fine was a blast. Mary Jane/Winter Park is a must in the realm of Colorado snowboarding. I look forward to many return trips.

Thanks and best wishes are definitely owed to all that made the trip possible. I hope we can do it again soon.

Snowboarding in Colorado

There's just not much more a girl could hope for...

.. except maybe the perfect guy. But I have him too. :)

Sunday mornings are the perfect time for ridiculous low budg drama movies involving half pint pop stars and off-season teen drama actors

Yesterday was a lay around and watch tv morning. So I flick on the tube and settle in with my coffee for some 'toons or something equally productive. I watched some Discovery show about man-eating leopards for a while, but then I got bored of seeing carcasses.

And then I found it, the gold mine, Supercross: The Movie. Oh yeah.. quality. It's a teen flick about a couple of Motocross racers breaking into the Supercross scene and making it big. There's the obligatory side-plot love stories. The main character selling out but then realizing it's not worth it and coming back to win big with the help of his brother and former rival. Half pint pop star Nick Canon. And off-season Teen drama actor Sophia Bush from One Tree Hill. Oh, and also, the chick does a back flip on her bike. Sweet.

It's not like there was nothing else on. Bourne Supremacy, Batman Begins; but I've seen them already. And I was in the no thinking, just entertain me mood.

Quote of the day? "Just watch the bike scenes and tune out the porn plot." Yes, thanks guys, excellent analysis.

The List - Part I

This past weekend I was out with friends, and as with most public places the bathrooms were not up to par. I'm not the picky type, but there are certain things that just make me shake my head. For example, flushing paper towels down the toilet. How would I know the last person did this? Because paper towels don't flush down most toilets. Just a tip.

This leads me to believe the person before me was either 1) dumb, 2) highly intoxicated, or 3) ignorant. Maybe all three? Would you do that at home? Not if you know anything at all about toilets..

So I decided to come up with a list of things I think every female should know. I want to point out that I'm still working on these things myself, but that it's something we females should all strive for to become more well-rounded individuals. I realize this is a bit of a weighted list, coming from someone who's somewhat.. well, redneck? But I believe these are important things. Perhaps you all can enlighten me on some of the "must-knows" in your areas of expertise.

Things every female should know - Part I

1) How to fix a toilet. :)
You will inevitably be in a situation where a toilet is overflowing and you alone can stop it in time. Just look behind the toilet for the little valve. This shuts off the water and stops the water from rising. There's more to know, but this is a good start.

2) How to drive a manual transmission.
You don't have to own a stick, but in an emergency this could be incredibly helpful, not to mention cool.

3) How to make a rockin' martini. (or another "traditional" beverage)
Whether you drink or not you could always use this skill at a random social event when called upon. Who wants to have to say "um.. I don't know how.."

4) How to change a tire.
If you're ever stranded with a flat and a dead cell phone on the side of the road, this could be incredibly useful. If this is foreign to you, start by figuring out where the spare is and asking a neighbor or friend to show you.

5) How to start a fire.
What? No gas grill?? You never know. But also? You just might need one to keep warm someday. Matches or a lighter are totally allowed. I'm not asking that you be Chuck Norris.

6) How to change your own oil.
Living in a city not something I would do unless I had to, but it's good to know how.

7) How to properly throw a football.
No need to play an entire game of catch, but it's nice to be able to return the football to the group of guys playing in the park if it falls at your feet. Just line your fingers up between the laces and follow through.

8) How to be a suitable companion for a football/basketball game.
If you're a sports fan this one is well taken care of. But if you're not, know enough about a sport to at least watch one game. And who knows, maybe you'll like it!

9) How to tie a knot.
You don't have to have an arsenal, but one good knot could get you out of a bind if ever you really needed one. (And a bad knot can be deadly.) A bowline knot is basic and if you do it wrong you'll know it.

10) How to change a diaper.
Presumably, every female can do this instinctively, but if not...

Okay.. go!

Celebrate Natural Beauty

Have you seen those Dove commercials where "real" women are celebrated for their natural beauty? I'm sure we can all appreciate what they're trying to do; so few of us are perfect or anywhere near it. But an ad is just an ad, we still idolize the women of movies and magazines with their immaculately sculpted bodies and perfectly airbrushed faces. Who hasn't been influenced by these images? I see it in my pre-teen cousins who already ear makeup and ultra-low rise mini skirts.

I don't really spend much time on my appearance. I have the few things that I do, and that's all. I don't care to spend more time than I do, and I am okay with "getting by" as it may be.

So I had all but forgotten about those ads, and then my friend sent me this with a note that said "See, we are all super models".

And really all I could say was Wow. It's a really incredible visual description of the influence of our culture and what we've all come to expect of ourselves and of each other. And they're right...

No wonder our perception of beauty is distored.

Go spadout

I just read a little blurb on spadout.com that talked about women specific skis. The coolest part about the article was this:

Women specific skis are generally designed for lighter skiers who need a more responsive ski due to their limited body weight.

Women have limited body weight. That's awesome.

I love spadout. It's a really cool site for all kinds of outdoor things. Videos, tutorials, gear etc. I would really like to think they're not paid to recommend some gear over others, but that really remains to be seen. REI is their major sponsor so perhaps that means they're automatically biased. They have a ton of good information none-the-less.

It's definitely worth a visit..

Is it snowing yet?

It's about that time and I can't freakin' wait! I'm already planning to take off Wednesday nights and bust out of work by 3 so I can try to get some runs in mid-week this year. Skiing here is far from top-notch, but it's better than nothing.

I got pretty jazzed up when my friend mentioned the Skiing and Snowboarding Expo out in Dulles. Go check it out!! I've never been before but it should be fun. They will have all of the new gear and they'll be giving away trips and lift tickets. They will also be showing the new Warren Miller movie which is an annual must-see for anyone even remotely interested in winter. You just sit there and drool watching people experience the mountains around the world. Southern Hemisphere anyone??

Due mostly to the impending move, I don't really have any ski trips planned this year. But I may try to slip out of town for a couple of long weekends up to VT or NY. Yay! Nice to have friends and family in cold places. Maybe I could even squeeze in a quickie to CO. I haven't even been to Copper yet...

Are you excited?!?

Donald finally got it right...

My friend sent me this today.

It really made me think. On the one hand, who would be against displaying the American flag? On the other, you can kind of see how maybe it's a little on the large side.

Personally? I dig it. And I think he should definitely pursue the issue to the highest court possible. Not like the $250/day fine will be a deterrant. But it's going to be interesting.

I need ruby slippers

The end is so near, and I can't wait. This project seems like it will consume my entire life. But I won't let it! I took off the entire weekend this past weekend. The entire thing!!

I won't lie, it was tough. I felt guilty for not going in. I felt like I should be there. But I fought the urge and stayed home.

It's almost more tiring and discouraging to stay away. But in a different way. To come in and work and never take a break makes me feel like I need time to just relax and do nothing. To rest and recover from all of the concentration. But to stay away makes me feel as though the work will pile up so high I'll never catch up and sooner or later it will all just cave in and bury me forever.

Which is better? I don't know.

I'm almost done but I still don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Instead of encouraged I feel unmotivated and depressed. I want to feel as though I've accomplished something, but the stress has taken so much out of me.

click-click-click There's no place like the Caribbean... click-click-click There's no place like the Caribbean...

43 things

It's been too long. I've been writing, just not posting. I looked down through all of the un-posted drafts just floating there, and I just posted them. This one and this one got buried because I posted them all at the time they were written, but the rest are all right here. I don't know why I wasn't posting. Just haven't really been in a good place lately I guess. Who knows.

But I'm here now. Alive and well, happy and healthy.

I re-discovered this site where you can collect your list of things. 43 Things in fact. What a wonderful idea; to compile your hopes and dreams, thoughts and lessons, and share them with the world.

Motivate yourself and share your energy with us. What are your goals? Make them a reality.

Moments to live for

Like the magic of watching the darkest storm engulfing the earth. Feeling the deepest love swelling in your chest. Sitting on the deck of a sailboat floating amidst caribbean islands staring off into the world. Being lost in the moment of your dreams coming true. The tingling sensation in your scalp in hearing the song that explains your thoughts to the world allowing you to sit in silence. Being held in an embrace that heals all wounds and sooths all hurt. The quiet justice of knowing you did the right thing and realizing that's all you need. Peace starting in the center of your being and radiating out to the very corners of you.

Trying too hard

The dilemma of souls. Pitfall of the diligent. The ellusive secret of the enlightened. The cup of life. The fountain of youth.

I work so hard to try to fix things I forget to just be. I forget to relax. I am so caught up in trying I forget that sometimes it's the freedom that solves problems. Freedom for your mind to contemplate in the comfort of its subconcious. Freedom of your soul to laugh and heal its wounds. Freedom of your body to let all the tension melt away.

I could worry myself out of love. I could work my way out of a job. I could fret myself into a persistent state of madness. But if I let go? I could be my way into a life I adore.

Try to relax...

Try to relax? Isn't that an oxymoron? Quite. But I quite often have to work at relaxing.

Oh you didn't know I was a raging lunatic who exploded at the slightest event? Of course you did.. if you know anything about me at all. I'm crazy. Certifiable maybe. But I'm trying. I'm trying really, really hard to relax.

It's bad because I see it coming. I see the mercury rising. I see the gauge topping out. But it all happens so quickly, and before I know it I've boiled over and it happens much too quickly to pull the emergency cable. And then afterward I have to work myself out of my fit and try to reason through what exactly happened.

Sometimes I can stop myself before all hell breaks loose. Sometimes I have to tell myself I don't care. But then I stop caring and that's not good either.

Sometimes I can just breathe. Deep, slow breaths in and out.

And Yoga. I like yoga. I teach it twice a week. That helps.

Also? I'm moving. Ever so far away from this city whose inhabitants seem so intent on digging into my skin. Not the ones I know (before anyone starts to wonder whether I'm talking about them). The ones I don't know are the really prickly ones. This city where prestige rules and passive aggression is the surest way to success. I just can't handle it. I can't be passive at anything. I'm right up in your face I HATE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT girl. That, or I just quit.

I'm a quitter. sigh.. I'm trying to stop doing that too.

I want people to have positive things to say about me. And right now? I wouldn't blame anyone for not being able to come up with anything nice to say.

She's.. well, she sometimes.. and.. oh I know! She uh..

Yeah. I know. Me too.

So what, do I need therapy? Professional help? Do I need a self-help book? What do I need?

Pose like you mean it...

I always see these chicks walking into the gym with their four inch heals, cute little suits, hair all pulled back in very professional (read: stuck-up) looking styles and fashionable glasses. And I wonder.. what exactly is it they're here for? Because someone like that would never get sweaty..

It's certainly judgmental of me, but how can I not wonder about these things? They have time to look that put-together and work out? No way.. I mean, I work out but no way do I ever look that good at my "real" job. (Well, that's due mostly to my lacking sense of style and my refusal to spend more than $100 on any item of clothing. Okay, fine, $50.)

Just yesterday I passed one of these suit girls in the locker room and all of the preceding thoughts ran through my head. But then I see the same girl in my Flow class sweating her butt off during standing strength with everybody else, and I'm like "huh, check it out. I would totally be friends with that girl." Girl in suit? Not so much. Girl in yoga class looking like every other normal girl out there? Totally.

And it occurs to me.. they're business professionals by day, and totally cool girl-next-door chicks by night. Awesome! Go them!! I can totally support their cause. I mean, birkenstocks are comfy and all, but not so much accepted in the workplace. And they definitely never belong in the same sentence as promotion unless you work for REI.

But it's exciting because I always struggle to relate to people. I see all of these women in the gym, and I see all of these women in the workplace. But lo and behold, these are the same women. And they're doing their thing, being who they are, and still conforming (as far as society knows) to all of these business customs. Just. Like. Me. And it's not the suits necessarily. They just represent this group of people that seem foreign to me, even though I can probably easily be lumped right in with them.

No need to fear or avoid them just because I don't understand. (Life would be so much easier if I could remember this.)

I do that. I avoid people because I worry that they won't like me. Or I worry that I might be bothering them. I know it's dumb. When's the last time someone saying "hi, how are you?" bothered me? Never. I even avoid people I know very well when things become scary.

Conflict?! OH NO! RUN!

Duh. I'm dumb. But it's unintentional. I just have some social anxiety issues. So it's encouraging when I can relate more to the world around me. Maybe there's hope for me after all.

I am going straight to hell

For a number of reasons, really. But today? Today I'm going to hell for being impatient.

So they're moving our spaces. Well, let me clarify. They moved our spaces two weeks ago. But now they're moving some of the spaces on the other end of the floor. But to do that they must be emptied. So guess where they put all of the contents for the weekend? Yep, everyone else's space.

But I'm still here working. (And will be for at least half the weekend) And when the movers said they were blocking my cube at 3pm my reaction went about like this: (Internal monologue in parens and italics, thank God for that. I see prison in my future.)

Mover1: We're blocking your spaces.
Me: (Who the F do you think you are?!) You can't block our spaces, we're still working here.
Mover1: We were told to put things here.
Me: (Are you deaf?!) But we're still working.
Mover2 (who clearly sees that I'm pissed and ready to fight about it): Okay, no problem, we'll put things somewhere else.
Me: (Damn right!!!!!)

(Grumble, grumble, I really want to FIGHT!!!!)

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

(Nope, I still want to fight.)

sigh...

I'm totally turning into (or already am) the crotchety old lady that hates everyone. So how long before I lock myself away in my house because I'm INSANE and completely incapable of tolerating (or being tolerated by) anyone or anything? I give myself 2 weeks.

Usually when stuff like this happens (which is a little more frequently than I'd like to admit, but thankfully a lot less so than it used to be) I go through the checklist:

1. Blood sugar - when's the last time I ate? (This solves 99% of all of life's injustices. Anyone remember the twinkie defense? Urban legend or not, I'm quite familiar.)
2. Magnesium.. I need magnesium. (the rough natural equivalent to a small dose of valium)
3. Is it 5 yet? Can I go?!

Today, I could probably use all three. And my day started out so well. All I need now are 10 or 12 cats.

Now that's how it's done!

Today is shaping up to be one hell of a day. It rained pretty strong through the night and to my delight it was still raining early this morning. I hit the snooze until around 7 listening to the comforting raindrops. And there's this big cherry tree right in front of my window so it was wonderfully dark in my room. The sleeping in was fantastic! I can't tell you how much I heart rain. I really feel strongly that I will spend a significant portion of my life in Seattle. Rain forest! Woo!!

Anyway, I coaxed myself out from under the down comforter and took a nice hot shower, I checked my email and listened to State Radio while I dressed. It's Friday so I get to wear jeans, and with the rain I thought boots and my brand new Arcteryx shell would be awesome. I heart Arcteryx. Patagonia, I still love you but I've met someone new. Can we still be friends?

More rain on the way in to work. I wish it would never stop.. But as Lauren always says (and she's so right) I wouldn't be so in love with every single drop if we saw each other all the time. I would never miss it and wouldn't be so uncontrollably happy when we met again. It drips off my hood and off the ends of my sleeves. It's dark and cool out. It's windy today too. How awesome.

When I got in the office was all quiet because of the weather and because it's Friday. I've been super productive lately so that gives me energy also. I walked down to Starbucks for coffee with L (more rain!! :) ) which made the morning complete. And now I have this fire burning in my belly spurring me through the day.

To round it all out I have Flow tonight. I taught with another instructor on Wednesday and that always renews my drive to get better. She did the relaxation/meditation tracks and I got the tingling sensation I miss out on when I teach on my own. This is the perfect start to a fantastic weekend. I can't wait.

This is what I call a Friday.

Good karma!!

The other day I was rummaging through the lost and found at the gym. This dude said he left his bag in the locker room the day before.

Hmm.. no small brown bag with shampoo and a razor... but LOOK! A WATERBOTTLE!

It was the water bottle I lost at least six months ago. The unmistakable Jack Johnson sticker on the side totally proves it's mine!! Grisam would definitely agree. It was then that I forgot all about dude looking for bag and reveled in the bliss of finding my long lost property. You can't even imagine my excitement. I didn't even know where I had left it. I must have pouted for a week!

Reluctantly I replaced it, but couldn't bring myself to sticker the new bottle. It just wouldn't be the same. But now it's back! I am whole again. I feel human! And imagine the hydration that will now consume my day. Can you picture it?! Like a gatorade commercial. I will automatically be cooler and more productive because of it.

I'll totally disinfect it and wash it in the dishwasher on super hot like 25 times. But it's back!!!