Arrivederci

Anybody watch the Olympics Closing Ceremony last night? There's nothing better than watching it with S2H.

Ricky Martin comes on and he says "there's never a sniper around when you need one..."

"I think the dancers that look like strung out prostitutes really fit the Olympic theme."

I think I peed my pants.

Finishing school please.

I went to the diner on Saturday with my roommates and I ordered coffee. One slight problem, no spoon.

So what I was trying to say to the waiter was..

"You don't have to bring all the silverware out yet, but could I have a spoon please?"

But what came out was...

"If you're not planning on bringing silverware, can I have a spoon please?"

The girls immediately shot me looks of disbelief and began exclaiming how rude I had just been. I realized just a milisecond too late what I was about to spew out of my mouth. You can always count on me to be "that girl".

I know the chances of that waiter ever reading this are slim to negative five million but I want to say "I'm sorry" anyway.

The sound of.. uh.. lunch

Did you ever stop to listen to the salad bar? I mean, I never really did, but one day I became suddenly aware of the strange noises emerging from it. I was with my notorious partner in crime at RT. (Ruby Tuesdays for all of you out there who are less excited about acronyms than I am.) We always get the same thing. Every. Single. Time. I'm surprised the waiters even ask us anymore. Salad bar and french onion soup. Diet for her, Coke for me.

By the way, RT has the best salad bar ever.

So we're on our trip up to the bar, we each get a plate.. and the noise begins.

Ooh, hey watch it!
'scuuuse me..
[giggle]
Yum!
Greens!
Yay!
Whheee...
Ooh, look, onions!
Stinky..
Yeah, good point
Ooh..
I forgot carrots..
GOSH!
where's the..
what?
i found 'em.
buzz..
ooh..did you feel that?
What?
the buzz
yeah we talked about that like a month ago
oh.
Ooh..
crunchies..yay!
mmm...
sweet, olives!
[giggle]
k, done!
me too..

Okay, so maybe it's not the salad bar per say... But it's still noisy!

Are you mad at me?

I'm a pretty straight up girl most of the time. I'll let you know if something's a little off if I believe it's important. Otherwise I'll just wait a few until it doesn't matter anymore. (This, I have discovered, is a marvelous way to weed out the important battles from the really petty ones. But that's a blog for another day.) I say this because I recently left another blog site in favor of this one. My primary reason was to avoid all of the "drama".

What does that mean, exactly? Well, my purpose in writing a blog is just that, to write a blog. It's just a modern form of journaling that doubles as a medium to interact with the world. I get to vocalize my issues which turns out to be really therapeutic, I get to share my life with some part of the world no matter how small, and I have this fantastic creative medium with which to document my life. Not to mention that writing is a skill that gets better with practice. Practice, practice, practice.

So, I left this other blog site for blogspot. Yay! Blogspot RULES! But I keep getting this question..

Are you mad at me??
No, people, I am not mad at you. Why do you keep asking?
Well, you deleted my comments.
Yes, well I'm not going to save every comment forever.
You didn't respond to my email.
Honey, I can't get to that site from work. They block it.
Oh, so you're not mad at me??
NO!! I'm really not mad at you.
You put my picture behind Tom's. Does that mean you like him more?
No, I don't even know Tom.

Update:
You left her a Valentine's Day comment and not me!!
What? Are you serious? Who cares?!

And the list goes on. I even find myself calling into question the character of guys I know personally who have pictures of provocatively dressed women on their friends list. Guilty as charged. So I had to ask myself why I'm really here. What am I getting out of this and why is it creating so much drama? Why does everyone think this web page is life? This is not reality. Get up, walk away from your computer, and talk to a real live person. That, my friends, is reality. Don't get me wrong, I love the World Wide Web, but it does not define me. If I delete your comment it's because it was time for it to go. I didn't delete you. You're still there right?? We're still friends. Not to worry.

I don't want you to think I don't want comments. Comment away!! But if I delete it, please don't take it personally. If I don't blog about you, it's just because I respect your privacy. It's up to you whether or not to blog about yourself, isn't it?

So, since we have so much trouble distinguishing between reality and pure entertainment, here I am. Maybe this site will work out better.

It's that time again.

Detox Round two. The last time I did it, I certainly had some amazing realizations. Hopefully this time I can refresh my body and remember why I like to eat right. I want to document better this time. Keep track of how I'm feeling in connection to what I eat and do.

I remember bounding out of bed at 6am, amazing clarity and thinking capacity, near spriritual calmness, emotional balance, and intense motivation.

I also remember some mild depression, terrible gas, and craving vinegar like you wouldn't believe. I don't think S2H wanted to see me for the entire two weeks.

You're supposed to detox twice a year when the seasons change, spring and fall. It's been about a year since my last successful attempt. I tried to detox in the fall but I was seriously lacking in motivation. I can't remember what actually made me quit. I think I lasted a couple of days.

So here's the plan, this week is taper week. No white flour, no sugar, half the normal amount of caffeinne, protein for breakfast, and AM vitamin C. My roommate ER might do this with me. It's always better with a buddy to tell you not to cheat.

I would just like to apologize to my co-workers in advance. It could be a rough few days.

Here we go.

I wanna be like you..

When I was little my sister and I used to love listening to records. My parents liked it too because in order to keep the record player from skipping we had to sit still and listen. Our favorite record was the Jungle Book. It was awesome. I think we wore that record out we listened to it so much.

So what I'm wondering is would I still like it? Probably. But most of the stuff I loved in childhood would probably seem very uninteresting to me, except for a "oh, wow, I remember this..."

Like the Thundercats. I was in love with them when I was little. But not so much anymore. They have it out on DVD now. I'm so temped. And G.I. Joes. And barbies, I don't really want to play with barbies anymore.

But trivia? Now trivia I dig.

What was the name of the juice that the gummy bears drank??

What was the rangers name in Yogi bear?

What's the name of the cat in the smurfs?

Don't know? Call Tom, he knows everything.

Frustration

It all comes down to the lesson. If you take nothing away with you then what's the point?

I remember why I spent the better part of a year mostly not speaking to anyone. Nothing made sense to me. But I didn't want to just denounce everyone and everything in some fit of insecurity, I wanted to understand. I wanted life to make sense. I eventually came to terms with the chaos that is life and for the most part resumed a normal level of interaction. But every now and then I find myself lost in the dark. I feel like I'm 16 again and nothing makes sense. Things make me so angry sometimes. But why? Most of the time it's nothing personal. So why do I get so offended? I like my freedom, and I want others to have their freedom. So I guess I have to be tolerant when people exercise their freedom. Is that what they're doing?

What's got me so shook up?

How can some people be so balanced? Do they not care? Do they have bigger problems so the little ones don't seem like such a big deal? Have they figured this all out and are on to deal with bigger issues? Are they simply more patient? Are they stupid? Are they really smart?

It's not depression. And I don't want a drug to make me happy. Thanks anyway.

P.S. - this was the day I forgot my badge.

Well Said

The Olympics opening ceremony was awesome. Especially the lighting of the cauldron and the performance with the people in white suits on the repelling lines crawling up and down the mesh. (I tried to find out what group this was but didn't have much luck.) But I have to admit to a bit of disbelief when they brought out the Ferrari formula one car, and the driver proceeded to burn rubber all over the stage while the commentator explained how big car racing is in Italy. I think he and I had about the same reaction "..well that's a first for an Olympic opening ceremony". Although I know a few guys from high school who probably wet themselves with excitement.

My Secret Love Affair

We had a completely wonderful snowstorm Saturday night. They were predicting the biggest storm in three years. I doubt it broke any records but it was still amazing. Big fluffy white flakes, the beautiful silence you hear when you stand outside, and a gorgeous white blanket covering everything in sight. We ended up with about a foot when all was said and done. With a winter full of 50 degree weather I was thrilled to see mother nature really does know what season it is.

We got out in it late Saturday night and had fun doing donuts in various intersections and having a snowball fight. We entertained the thought that the donut tracks in the intersection would do a great job of screwing with the drunk people coming home from the bars. Sunday morning all of the kids were out sledding and making snowmen and I finally got out for some snowboarding. I'd gone to Gore this season but nothing local.

Scott's roommates are all meteorologists so we spent a good deal of time making fun of them for how bad their predictions were. I think Tim got the worst of it, he predicted 3 inches. But it's only because he's so easy to tease. He was a good sport though.

The (real) weatherman says it will be gone in a day or so, but it's here now.. I love snow

Your mission, should you choose to accept it..

...is to chase this feeling to the ends of the earth for all eternity.

Every so often I have a moment of clarity. That feeling where I am drunk with life. Everything is exciting, I have boundless energy, I am happy about everything, and life seems so beautiful.

I am so high on life and work and love and everything right now I could burst. I love it. Crack could never be this could.

HOW DO I KEEP IT?

For your ridiculing pleasure.

I was sitting at my desk today when I began to notice an unidentified wafting odor (UWO or "oo-woh"). These UWO's are not uncommon in my workplace for a couple of reasons. One, I sit in close proximity to the floor's pantry. And two, there is a man on my floor who likes to steam onion sprouts. Yes, onion sprouts. They smell roughly like a cross between fesces and bad onions. People from other floors can actually smell it. They call us the "stinky floor".

Today I would guess that the smell I am experiencing was created by lasagna and tomato soup, which to me smells very much like vomit. YUM. So I'm evaluating the smell and I subconciously pick up my coffee. Then all of a sudden, there's another odor mixing with the lasagna-tomato-vomit smell. Eww gross... Whats the... it smells like.... I look down at my coffee, smell it. Yep, it was the coffee. What an idiot.

Who needs crack?

There has been much discussion in recent months over whether the corn 'salsa' at Chipotle is spicy. I think it's mildly spicy which, for me, is just about right. There are those, not to be named or "those we do not speak of", who would disagree.

I mention this so when I try to explain to you that I will never need or have any desire for crack or any other mind-altering drug, perhaps you will have some standard by which to guage my level of mentality.

My life is freaking hilarious. Probably not to you, but I find the smallest most inconsequential moments ridiculously funny. I will frequently burst into laughter at highly inopportune moments and generally drag others down into my pit of raging lunacy. But all-in-all, I believe those close to me find my shenanegans humorous and enjoyable.

On the list of brilliantly humorous crack-substitutes for the time being:

• My amazing friend and partner in crime Monkey Momma.
• My roommate E-dog. (She has opposable thumbs by the way.)
• My last roommate Stepharoo who ditched me to live in NY.
• Napoleon Dynamite. Truthfully, I think the movie sucks but I laugh at it more now than just about anything else. Hell no I won't marry you, GOSH!
• The End of the World: this has been at the core of my humor for many years now. Fucking Kangaroos.

By all means, share your tomfoolery. What's in your crack?

Hair Monster

I have relatively long hair right? Yeah. So that means it's everywhere. And I mean everywhere. All over the bathroom, embedded in the threads of my towel, randomly scattered about in my bed, matted into the back of my chair at work, in the crease of the seat in my car. I could take a rake to the carpet in my room. It's that bad. You may not see it, but further investigation proves it's there. Beards are the best. It's like Velcro minus the cool Velcro sound.

Scott once did an impression of my rogue strands of hair as though they were a seal team piling out of a helicopter or something. "Okay guys, I'll cover you now go! Go! Go! Go!" He also threatened to make a hair doll out of the massive collectiveness that was once attached to my head. It's sort of a shocking amount that I lose on a daily basis.

This becomes most evident when I take a shower. I don't know at what point in my life I determined that the heinous amounts of hair I lost in the shower each day were bad for the drain. But I did. Maybe it was all the Drano I had to buy in order to unclog the shower. So instead of letting the water wash the bastards away I started to stick them to the wall in the shower. Otherwise they just stick to everything. It's like a ton of mini boa constrictors wrapping themselves around your body. Not to mention the ones that find their way into your butt. Yep, hair gets caught in your butt crack. Ask anyone with long hair. And there are worse places, but I won't mention them here.

Okay where was I? Right, the shower wall. So I've been doing this for several years now, sticking all of my loose hairs to the wall. And when I'm done I run my finger through them and scoop them neatly into the trash. I, for one, thought it was brilliant. No clogs, less hair everywhere, what's not to like? Well, there is the occasional morning where I may have forgotten to neatly scoop my hairs into the trash. And the lucky person to shower after me was, shall we say, horrified. Can't blame them. It's like other people's dirt. Nasty.

I once got into the shower to find I had left my hair on the wall, and Scott had written my name in it. Yuck. But he eventually got used to it. Poor guy.

Superbowl for Dummies

What's worse than four females who know next to nothing about football watching the Superbowl together??

Nothing.

And we weren't even drinking. Probably our first mistake.

"So I told my dad I was going to watch the game today and he was like, 'really??' I was like 'of course!'"
"What like girls can't watch football?"
"Guess not"

"What's up with that guys hair?"
"Who?"
"Pollapalooza.."
"You mean Polamalu?"
"Yeah.."

"It's so weird that they have stationary bikes on the sidelines. I would feel so dumb."

"The one great thing about football, all the guys have great butts in those pants. Even the ugly ones."

"Hey guys, they should have a female superbowl show with chick commentators. It would be awesome"
"Yeah they'd all have diet cokes and use much fewer technical terms"
"And they'd redo the color scheme 'cuz this one sucks."
"They could make the lines on the field pink instead of yellow."
"Can the players even see the yellow line?"
"Yeah, the grass magically turns yellow, it's the newest technology."
"Shut up, anything would be better than these guys. Did you hear him say 'we're really going to need the quarterback's arm for the second half'? No kidding genius."
(Like we're so articulate.)

"The Steeler's coach is way hotter than the Seahawk's coach."

"Who was that, the burger guy?" (Roethlisberger)
"I think so"

"Man this half time show sucks. Janet's wardrobe malfunction was better than this. Who wants to see an old guy in a belly shirt?"
"Who cares if it's the Rolling Stones?"
"He's definitely a heroine addict."

"Guys, what's a rushing yard?"
"I think it's where you get handed the ball and you run down the field."
"Oh."

"Wait, wasn't that guy on baywatch?" (Hasselbeck)

"You know I really think that the cheerleaders serve no purpose whatsoever."
"Well they sell calendars and stuff.."

"Man who does that ref think he is. His calls SUCK!"
"Yeah, they should let us in there, we'd do a much better job."

We also determined that the Steelers would win with four minutes left in the game. And they did. We're geniuses.

Do you know what insanity is?

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

So yesterday I stepped into an elevator with my partner in crime on our daily caffeine fix trip to the third floor. After the doors closed I realized there were two people having a conversation so I took a step backward as to not force them to talk through me. But they stopped talking and began a commentary that I was completely lost in..

"Yes that's right everyone must have a square."
"Huh?"
"It's like square dancing"
"Uhh..."
(Another person steps into the elevator)
"Excuse me sir, you should step over here, we all need our own space"
"But I was just..."

Vaquely similar to the time (in an elevator) I responded to a very simple question not even directed at me by offering a strange man some chocolate..

What is my problem?! I'm such an idiot. But at least I can laugh at myself. I do believe this habitual ridiculous behavior and the subsequent surprise at the result qualifies me as insane.

Update: The following explanation, courtesy of my partner in crime.

Ok...here's the Paul Harvey on this one...

The thing that made that lady comment was, I think, that you were standing by the doors facing into the elevator (which was, I know, so you could face me and we could make googley eyes at each other through their conversation...because it's what we do :). The result was 5 people standing around the edges of an elevator all facing toward the center...which defies all the laws of civil inattention (which imply that in an elevator, everyone must placidly stare at the numbers to watch them change...which is a silly thing, but it's what people do...you and I, of course, are not those people, given our propensity for grand elevator escapades).

Now, when the next guy got on, there were 6 of us...three women and three men...which is one couple short of a full square dance formation...and since we were all facing the center anyway, it looked, well, a lot like square dancing. Hence, I think, her comment.

Side note: Wow...how geek is it that I know all about square dancing?

So, in summation, I would say that you are not, in fact, insane (or, well, ok, at least not because of this!)...you don't have any particular problem related to elevators except that anytime you board one with me weird stuff happens. Personally? I love it! I can barely wait to see what kind of grand adventure we'll have next!

Tree pretty, fire bad.

Enough of the completely fabricated bitter nonsense movies about people dying and lovers breaking up because one cheated on the other and now the world is ending. I want to watch the realistic ones where everyone stays young and beautiful and falls in love and has a wonderful life and lives happily ever after. Or the ones where the worst thing that happens to the main character is she gets in a fight with her friends from school but in the end everyone kisses and makes up.

No, but really though. I know life ain't all gumdrops and lollypops, but on a Saturday night when I'm in my pj's with my roommate and I don't have to deal with traffic or work or stressful people, I want to watch a movie that makes me smile. Something I can enjoy and not have to critique. Not something that only serves to remind me how awful people can be. Or provoke me to ask myself questions such as "would he ever leave me because I loved him too much?"But then again, I'm always saying the good wouldn't be if it weren't for the bad. What would you compare it to? How boring. So I guess I'll just sit here and shut up and watch the movie already.

GOSH!!

Elevator Episode 2

What? Again?! Well at least this time you didn't offer anyone chocolate or anything like that.

Nope, this time I merely observed. I'm actually quite proud of myself.

*superstar!!!*

Thank you for your consideration.

Does something about me say "If you're creepy and in need of a date please come hit on me"? Alright, so you find a girl attractive. Congratulations! But after the age of, oh say 12, there are acceptable ways of expressing your interest in others. Scribbling "You're HOT" next to a little drawing of a devil and your phone number on a receipt before returning it to the table you're waiting on doesn't really ring a bell. Does that actually work for anyone not attending grammar school? In my mind its roughly the equivalent of the phone number graffiti in the truck stop bathrooms. Excuse me while I vomit. (Good thing there are toilets handy).

A gentle suggestion to the young men out there, if you like a girl, talk to her. Be up front. Or if you're waiting on her or interacting with her in some other professional setting, perhaps just admire her from afar. It may not be the most appropriate time for you to express your interest. Either way, just use your head and your manners and not so much a pen and the nearest scrap of paper.

Rules

I'm not sure when it was, but at some point I figured out that there are no rules in life. I mean, yes, there's the golden rule. And rules of etiquette and morality and what have you. But I mean there are no rules that say, you must graduate high school and go to college. And then get a job and work until you die. Or, you must get out of college, find someone nice, and get married. Then by age whatever you should have children.

Okay, so maybe this has been obvious to everyone all along. But I had to figure it out on my own. Now I won't say some of those things aren't wise plans to follow. College is generally considered a good thing. But I think a lot of people get caught up in other peoples expectations and/or their own misconceptions about the way things should be. In reality, things should be the way you want them to be. You need to fulfill your responsibilities, but beyond that there's no predefined rules. Just do what makes you happy.

Admiration

You can't ever be really free if you admire somebody too much. ~ Tove Jansson

...

Is just the right amount of admiration love? And if you are in love, and feel that your love for another person grants you freedom, is that wrong? Does that undying need and affection and happiness that burns in your chest when you are in love have anything to do with admiration? You must be your own person and happy based on your own virtues. But if loving another person makes you feel whole, where does that fall? Is admiration a realistic part of love? Or does it move beyond admiration into cooperation and participation in the existence of the one you may otherwise admire? Does admiration rule out participation? Or does there come a point where the admiration is a part of your feelings, but you also feel ownership and contribute to the person you believe so strongly in. Does admiring someone too much mean you don't really love them? Or does it only take away from yourself?