Contrast

Hit

The briefest of moments. Flashes of insight. Momentarily waking up and seeing things in a whole new light. Glimpses of my self, of the viewpoint I'm developing. Seeing for just a brief second the person I am becoming and being proud that my hard work is shaping my future into something I can look forward to. Spurring me on. Renewing my energy and drive. Helping me sift through my hopes and concerns and shedding unnecessary or unwanted things. Renewing my hope.

Miss

Feeling uncomfortable in my skin, like an outsider amongst my friends. Wandering aimlessly through my day. Knowing there's something weighing down my subconcious but being unable to pinpoint it. Not unhappiness. Not depression. Just a need for a purpose. A need for fire. For Drive. For a light amid the haze. Being unable to make decisions or grasp ideas. Trying desperately to wrap my mind around a solution but finding more questions. Just hoping for clarity.

The essentials

I try to be good about never going anywhere without a book to write in and a good pen. I'm not constantly writing, but I do it fairly frequently. And it's always the moment when I have nowhere to write that I feel the frantic need to get something down.

I'll scribble on the cover of my magazine or in the margin of my itinerary, or anywhere I can get the words down. Because it seems once the ideas have swirled around in my head long enough, they just have to come out. And they never come out quite the same way again, so I have to record the moment, the feelings, the sounds.

Last Saturday I was at a party waaay far away and I was the dd. I was doing my best to entertain myself amongst the intoxicated, but after a while I just couldn't stand it. My mind was racing and I needed release. I went searching for paper. Why didn't I bring my journal?? Who knows, I'll never learn. But I found a pad of yellow paper. Yess!!! And a pencil. Sweet!! And I sat at a desk and wrote. I drew lots of attention, which wasn't intentional, I kind of just wanted to disappear for a bit. But I got to write, and my words came flowing out of the end of the pencil like water. Perfect. I felt complete release. It was wonderful.

I feel romanced by pages of blank paper just waiting to be written on and blank books dying to be sketched or scribbled in. I have many, many journals. If ever I am somewhere without my journal and need to write, I buy a new one.

I've tried lots of different journals. For a while I was in love with one I had with a grid printed on the pages. And I have a small-ish one that fits neatly into my purse. I have a bright green one that I used for a while that was beautiful on the outside. I like hard cover better because you don't need a flat surface. And I write more than I sketch so I prefer lined over unlined. Currently my favorite is a "moleskin diary" that has a built in bookmark and an elastic band that raps around and keeps it closed. I like this one because it has a page for every day, predated at the top for the '06 calendar year. It reminds me to write. The blank pages make me feel guilty.

My camera is adding a whole new dimension to this craving I seem to have for documentation. Now I can share that much more of my experiences with the world. I was actually thinking the other day that sometimes I really wish I could record sounds. I definitely need to master actually posting pictures first though. I've been incredibly lax on that since I got my camera. But I finally downloaded the 1200 pictures from all of August on to my computer. Some of them are awesome!!! As soon as I get home I'll post one here...

Scream until your heart stops

Full force through the night, never resting, don't let go. Make your own rules, savor the moment, and be your own inspiration.

I miss that. The chest-swelling, mind-blowing sense of freedom and adventure that seems all but lost in that last summer break from school. That feeling that the summer was forever long and there was nothing to do but dream and wander, roam free with only desire as a guide.

And with no real responsibility come the consequent hours of reflection. Perhaps that was the glory of youth, time to think. And the luxury to be un-jaded, unpretentious, and still eager to dive head first into the deep. To appreciate and savor your overpowering emotions, the rawness of your feelings, the richness of the moment.

All I'm saying is that if I ever start referring to these as the best years of my life - remind me to kill myself. (Pink - Dazed and Confused)

It's not that being young was everything. Maybe it's that we had the time to reflect, the energy to push through, and the innocence of youth to still assume the best in everyone and everything. Hopefully the memories are better than being back there ever could be. Like cartoons you loved when you were a kid; the memories are amazing, but they belong in the past.

I came across this video once years ago and have been searching for it ever since. I finally, finally found it. It can be interpreted as you see fit, but to me it so perfectly depicts the full spectrum. Those in their youth whose fire burns brightly. Those who have grown up and let their flames die, never realizing what they've lost, or resigned to the idea that it's gone forever. And those who continue to seek it out through difficulties and change because it means something to them. Maybe it means everything.

The moments I remember from my youth aren't lost. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of the fire deep within me. Sometimes I feel it burning unrestrained. The feelings are still there, sometimes buried deep, but there just the same.

Rekindle your flame, be adventurous, pass it on. Show the world you're not tamed, you've just learned how to harness your power. Scream your heart out.

Lost Prophets - Rooftops

Instant Gratification

I was talking to a fellow blogger this morning about what she did last night, and she was telling me how she had spent some time working on a post. It was going to be a long one and she wasn't quite ready to post it. This spurned a whole slew of thoughts in the random cavities of my mind, one of which was "wow, she's writing a blog the way I would have written a paper in college." You get an assignment (or in this case an idea), you do a little research, write out an outline, do a rough draft, and then edit and revise until you get a final version.

Huh. What a novel idea. I usually only write blogs about what's tweaking me or making me bounce off the walls at that very moment, and I post it right then. Ahhh.. satisfaction! Not a whole lot of editing or revision go into them. My generation has no patience. Okay, that's not quite true. I'll rephrase. I have no patience. So, maybe I shouldn't always approach blogging like a journal. Of course some journaling is good, but I should also include some more thought out things.

Oh, hey look! A whole other door I never knew was there! Has anyone seen my brain? I think it may have fallen out when I swung through graduation and picked up a "real job" a while back. The same day I caught that bad case of conformity. I'm still fighting it off.. what a killer!

Breaking News!!!

Miss I-didn't-ask-for-drama-but-I'll-stay-locked-in-my-room-24-7 has in fact decided to have the apple surgically and permanently implanted in her butt. She is sticking to her guns and is once again running away from her problems. At least she's consistent.

What does that mean?? She's moving out! But it gets better... She's moving out a month early!! But wait! She has in fact sweetened the deal; she's paying rent for the month that she won't be around.

Can life get any better?! I don't think it would be this good if I won the lottery and moved to Bora Bora where I could live out my days diving and sailing and basking in the sun! Well, that might actually be equally as awesome. But you know what I mean right?!

This is good. This is VERY GOOD.

Poetic Justice

Dare I risk jinxing myself?? It's too unbelievable not to share.

Remember the roommate I praised here and here??

Yes, well let's just say things haven't exactly improved. I believe I've mostly gotten over my anger. But I would venture to say she has not overcome her issues like facing reality and accepting personal responsibility. I know this because our lease is ending soon and her response to this has gone something like this:

First she decided she was moving out because she wanted to live alone. Fair enough.

Then she realized she hasn't had a job in three months because she quit when she decided her boss was over critical, and she can't afford to live alone. Since then job hunting hasn't exactly been a top priority.

Anyway, next she decided she was going to stay and kick me out of the house. Technically I'm on a sublease and if our landlord continued the lease she (bad roommate) might actually be able to do that.

Bad roommate then called our landlord and told her she refused to live with me and that she and good roommate were staying. And she asked good roommate to break the news to me gently. To which good roommate did her best not to puke on bad roommates shoes. Because good roommate is far too polite to tell bad roommate she's full of something closely resembling dog feces.

Good roommate then spoke to our landlord to get a straight story and give a more complete picture, to which our landlord replied "this all makes a lot more sense now."

Fortunately our landlord is intelligent and very level-headed and decided she was not going to continue the lease but would resign a new lease with two or more individuals. She left the decision of who would sign up to us. Smart.

Good roommate and I have decided living with bad roommate has been uncomfortable but not altogether impossible, so we are staying.

What will Miss Apple-up-her-butt do?!? I can't wait to find out.

The way life should be

I was completely struck by how sunny Maine is. It was gorgeous the whole weekend. My Aunt said it's always sunny. Beautiful puffy white clouds and clear blue sky. There's nothing like it! Water everywhere, huge rocks, tons of green trees. The sun goes behind a cloud and you need a sweatshirt, it comes back out and you have to take it off again. And it's the middle of August! Absolutely wonderful. I miss New England.

I saw all of my cousins and their kids. There are so many I had never seen before. I think I have 8 cousins on that side and they have 11 kids and 3 on the way. My family is definitely growing. We all promised to try to see each other more often. It's too bad we're far from each other. But it's awesome that we're all adventurous enough to travel and explore new places.

Other items of note:

I saw a bicycle cop pull over a camaro. Ha!! That's gotta hurt the ego right?

Puffins.. everywhere. I mean I didn't actually see one, but they're native to Maine so there are postcards, Puffin gas stations, newspaper articles, you name it.

L.L. Bean factory store. Mecca.. what more could one want in life?

I'm so tired today that everything is funny.

I'll update this post with pictures when I get back from Albany next week.. :)

Anticipation

The day before a trip is always so exciting! I love the flurry of activity. Getting ready to go. Figuring out what to take (or sometimes more importantly, what not to take). Loading music on the ipod. Charging batteries. Check the weather. Passport, wallet, $$$, cell phone, vitamins, travel info, maps, camera, sunglasses.

I love to travel. I love the anticipation beforehand, the going away, the getting there, the being away, and even the sad, but inevitable return to reality. This time I'm going to Maine for a family reunion; my Dad's side of the family. I don't get to see them very often. And I love Maine. I haven't been there in years. I have so many 2nd cousins I've never seen. My family's been busy, my cousin's wife just had twins!

With all of the activity at Heathrow this week, it's definitely going to be interesting. My flight is early. That means I have to be at the airport STUPID EARLY, like 3:45 AM!!!! But it's okay. I'm tired today so I can probably get to bed relatively early. At least I'm still holding out hope that I'll sleep. I don't know who I'm kidding though. I don't usually sleep well before a trip, if at all. Too much going on. Excitement and a little bit of anxiety. The night before I went to the BVI's last summer I was up until like 4 in the morning. Just couldn't bear to sleep. Too much to do! If I rip just one more cd...

Like a good little traveler, I checked the TSA website and I'm not going to pack my toothpaste in my carry-on. So hopefully there won't be too many problems with security. I'm still dreading the line, but my bag makes a good pillow. And I have zero problems with lying on the floor. I'm definitely that girl.

So wish me luck... and if you're traveling as well, be safe! Have fun! Or as my Mom would say "drive fast, take chances!"

It came!

I got it! It's here! It came! It's here! I got it!! Yaayyyyy!!!!!!!

My camera came yesterday! And I took pictures! And they are awesome! And it's so pretty! And shiny!

Did I mention I'm really excited that my camera came?!

The doorbell rang, and I ran downstairs, and there it was in the cutest box ever!! I thought just the flash card was coming because that's what Amazon said. But everything came. Yessss!!! I totally heart the UPS guy.

Sadly, I don't have pictures to post yet. I was much too engrossed in taking pictures and marveling at my new toy that I didn't have time to download any. But I discovered I am remarkably good at taking pictures at the exact moment when people blink. Isn't it amazing?!

But it's here! Yayyyy!!!!!

Digital dreams

These pictures are from our trip to the Baltimore Aquarium this past Sunday. I took about 150 pictures, and these are 3 of maybe 10 that came out. (And they're not even that great.) GRRR!!!! I have a relatively old Toshiba digital point and shoot, which has served me well for many years. But I've been thinking more and more about getting into something a little more serious. The results of my shooting on Sunday finally made me take the plunge. I ordered a Canon Digital Rebel XT 350 and a Sigma 30mm f/1.4 lens with a 4GB flash card to go with it. I think they'll be here Friday. I can't wait!!

Look, a puffin!! The glass was a bit foggy, probably something I could learn to fix with Photoshop. That's also on the to-do list.

Not really a surprise

The pump was too slow, and ridiculously noisy in a sort of dirty way. I mean, you have to inflate them somehow right??

Photo credits on this one go to my girl L.

Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

When the hurt or the fear become too much to bear, when they have immobilized you, when you feel like your every hope has been beaten down, you have no choice but to let it all go. Because you can't be afraid forever. It's not helping to think about the hurt anymore. You have nothing more to gain from the worry.

So just let yourself be.

Escape the noise. Walk innocuous streets. Speak easy words. Dream nothing dreams. Don't let go forever, but just for this moment, be free of everything. Relinquish control. Set the autopilot and breathe.

And when you've let it all go, when finally the brow no longer furrows and the mind no longer races, that's when you're able to let things work themselves out. And when the memory of the hurt no longer stings, then turn yourself around a moment and look back. Look at where you were when the world seemed so suffocating and your problems towered over you. Look back at how you felt and how scared you were. And then realize that you are okay now, and the reason you are okay is because you faced your fear. You conquered your hurt. You stared into the belly of your beast and have come out the victorious warrior on the other side. Maybe it doesn't feel like you fought a war, but the worry and the fear was your battle every day. And when you let them go, you won.

~

Inspired by Audioslave - Doesn't Remind Me. Check it out here.

Aspirations

I find myself increasingly spellbound by the blogging craze and longing to be immersed in it. I mean I blog, if you can call what I do blogging. But I want to be a real blogger. The kind that gets invited to conventions to speak, and has completely fantastic photos to post, and endless hordes of enthusiastic and/or angry readers commenting endlessly at them. I mean, I read some of these women (and I only say women because so far my idol bloggers are female) and I instantly want to be their friend. They always have some snarky remark that goes amazingly well with a "motherfucker" right in the middle of it. Or at just the right moment they have something sentimental and completely original to say. And you go "damn, this woman rocks!" And oh by the way, this is how she makes her living. How great is that?!

So I am on a quest. To be blog-worthy, to be interesting, to be dynamic and deep or shallow and amusing in just the right way. I don't need to be endlessly popular, as romantic an idea as that may be. I just need to touch someone the way these women touch me, to be useful to someone other than my best friends. Or perhaps just that, to be for my best friends whatever it is they need. Who knows. What I do know is I want more out of this. Because I see potential, I see depth, I see something that means more to me than 9 to 5 or the money in my paycheck that I hated earning. This feels real to me. It makes me feel alive and expressive and empowered. I love this new part of me, and I can't wait to see it grow.

Sunset

Today on my way home, I could hardly drive straight because I sat in my seat with my hands perched on the wheel, mouth agape, just staring at the sky. It was so amazingly colorful and beautiful. Almost as though someone had taken buckets of brightly colored paint and made enormous brush strokes across the clouds. The sky seemed endless and the colors were so brilliant and vibrant.

For a moment I hated myself for not having my camera with me. I wanted so much to save what I was seeing forever. But I instantly got lost again in the fading sun...

It made me so happy. Suddenly my day faded into nothing and everything was alright. The kind of alright where you can actually feel the tension melting away.

New ideas

It's strange that I teach yoga. I never really knew much about it. I had a conversation about yoga with a friend in college once, and I remember thinking how little I knew about it. But what I didn't say was how foreign it felt and how that made me shy away from it, too timid to even try it.

When I came to D.C. I lived really far from work. So I had to get up at the crack of dawn to get into the city to keep my commute to work under 2 hours. But then I was in the city by 7 and had two hours to kill. So I got a gym membership. I could roll out of bed, drive to the metro, read my book on the train (I read more books that year..), and work out watching the sun come up. Icky. But it worked.

I discovered Body Flow sometime during that first year and I was instantly in love. Granted, Body Flow isn't pure yoga. But I knew right away that I had really been missing out. My closed little mind had cost me precious years of experience.

It's really not that dramatic. But I really don't want to miss out on things. It makes me sad to think that I avoided something because it was different. Because I didn't know much about it.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off your bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

~ Mark Twain

Someday

Sometimes I want to write to cover up what I last wrote. Or think new thoughts to let the ones I just thought fade into the shadows. I'm so uncomfortable with who I am it's almost frightening.

There are certain aspects about myself that I have defined quite clearly. I have committed myself to being healthy and staying in shape. I love sailing, rock climbing, and snowboarding. I am pro-choice, libertarian, and decidedly happy to be American.

I can choose what to wear to work, I can tell you if I'm hungry (the answer is always yes, but God help me if I can figure out what to eat). I know that I don't want to be a web developer forever. I am ready to get out of D.C. But when it comes to the gray areas in life I tend to freeze up, or take the easiest route.

I believe my lack of confidence is partly a result of never really being single. I have always had the convenience, or pehaps fallen into the trap, of letting the guy I was dating decide what our relationship would be like, and therefore the better part of my life. I'm sure I would have objected to anything completely bizarre, but for the most part, all I had to do was spend time with him.

I always knew I was a bit conservative. When my dad told me I "never let go of the apron strings" I realized I wasn't the only one that thought I needed to get out and take some risks.

While I was still in college I moved to the outer banks for two summers and worked on a parasail boat. After college I moved to D.C. I got a 'real job' and experienced life a little further from home. Next spring I'm moving out West, my biggest challenge yet.

Slowly but surely I try to take steps that take me away from my realm of experience. Push me outside of my comfort zone. Ruffle my feathers a little and see how I react. But it doesn't matter where I live, how far from home I get, or who I'm dating. What matters is how I feel about who I am on the inside. And I don't think I am where I need to be.

I have trouble even putting words to the things I feel I lack. I suppose if I could name them and describe them, I would simply seek them out and lack them no longer.

I think I want clarity. Confidence. A sense of awareness and control. I don't expect to "have it all figured out" but I want to have the ability to work through my issues as they arise and not always default to "I'm sorry, that was my fault". Because not everything is my fault. And I have trouble remembering that. I always take blame, and I always bend to fit. I've got to learn when something is not bend-worthy.

I always say to myself that someday I'll spend some time on my own figuring myself out. So cliched. So overdone. But what choice do I have? What I've been doing isn't working. So I think someday has come to find me.

Who are these people??

My latest conspiracy theory is that there is a group of people sitting in a "room" somewhere sort of directing the traffic of our lives. And the group in charge of my case is particularly snarky, or fabulously brilliant.

Hey look, J seems to be doing alright, let's throw a few bumps her way.

OR

You know, J is in a good stable position right now. Let's teach her _____. And let's send _____ to do it.

So basically they're sending people, events, and/or ideas my way and watching me react. I fully believe they have only the best intentions, but sometimes it seems like every time I think I'm getting things figured out something makes me go "well, wait a minute".

It's completely positive. I love the rush of change and the dynamics of new places, new people and different ideas. I wish for my love of change to never wane. But sometimes it feels I'm being torn apart at the seems. Right down the middle. I must remember how good these changes are for me and how much I'm growing as a result. It's just so hard when my head and my heart don't agree.

Voice

Before I set out along the blogging path I had a few things to consider. When I blog, everyone can read it. And when I post something, it's forever a matter of public record, whether I keep it posted or not.

A) Am I ready for that? Do I want my life plastered across the Internet? Chances are very few people will read me, but it's those few that matter most.

B) Do I have anything interesting to say?

C) I'm bound to get criticism. Can I handle it?

Concerning A, ready or not, I went for it. I thought it would be a great learning experience, and it has been; for me and for those I love. And furthermore, getting my life out there was precisely the point. Really I wanted those that aren't next door or upstairs anymore to be able to keep up with the goings-on in my life. And me with theirs, although they have yet to start blogging. (hint, hint)

I think I decided B didn't matter. It's for me to get my thoughts out. And if someone else gets something out of it or learns something about me, great!

And C, if I can't take a little criticism, I have no place being an adult much less a blogger. Sooo, here I am.

Now to the point. Voice. Small (or loud and obnoxious) but important. I think sometimes when I write it sounds preachy. I don't mean for it to. If I'm preaching, it's most certainly at myself for the multitude of mistakes I have made and will continue to make, and for the chest of flaws I continue to lug around with me. My intent is to be interesting and perhaps theatrical to some degree, but I may have missed the mark. (By a mile). So I wanted to say I'm aware of this rut I have found myself in and how annoying it is, and I'm trying to find a way out. I also wanted to apologize for any discomfort it may cause you in trying to stay abreast in the chronicling of my life.

Finally, if you have suggestions, I didn't major in creative writing or anything resembling it. I'm sure I could use a pointer or ten, and I'm certain my punctuation is screaming for help.

Regardless, It's all in the learning. Please bear with me, help is on the way!

Things are going well

I'm following the plan and everything is generally headed in the right direction. I still want to move out West in the spring. For now I'm busting my butt on this project trying to meet deadlines and rollout a kick-ass site. Trying to limit my days in the office to 6 so I can get out and do things. Still teaching classes so that gets me in the gym a minimum of three days a week. My knee is healing, slowly but surely. Things look good.

Today we got our monthly email from corporate with our leave balance. It's in hours. I have 203.5 sick and 127 vacation. That's over five weeks in sick leave and more than three weeks in vacation time. Not to mention I've racked up 121 hours in comp time. Not payable to me if I were to leave, so I have to use them before spring.

The vacation time will be mine in a paycheck when I check out so I'm not concerned, and I never really use sick time so that's fairly irrelevant. But I rack up comp time at a considerable rate and don't have many opportunities to use it. I'm a bit worried it's going to get sucked into the black hole where socks and $20 bills go.

The site is going to probably go strong through November before it starts to taper off, so not much hope of using any large chunks of comp time before then. And a new site usually requires some considerable TLC for the 6 months following rollout, not to mention Version 2. Holy hell.

I do need to take a couple of trips out West before the big move, but I may need to switch to negotiator mode. See if I can bargain for tacking my "comp time" at the very end of my employment here. That would be sweet. It's all about how I play my cards.

Or, knowing my super-cool-kick-butt boss, he might just say "of course you can!" He rocks.

Expectations

Set them too low and you're not giving yourself or anyone else a chance. On the other hand, setting them too high sets you up for disappointment. So there must be some happy medium. Hermit-hood is probably not the solution. It's easier than facing reality, but it doesn't get you where you most need to be.

1. We all screw up. Some of us more than others. Me more than most. So you'd think I'd be very amenable to giving people second chances. Or 25th chances, whatever the case may be. But there comes a point when I just don't have much more left to give. They may deserve another chance, but I leave it to someone else to give them that. If only I could go quietly.

2. Just because one person sucked, doesn't mean everyone will. I recoiled today at the site of a new girl in our office. She looks to be about 20 and in the space of 5 miliseconds I thought to myself "No way, not again. I am not going to risk myself for some new girl who might seem like a nice person only to turn around and stab me in the back. No thanks." But then I had to scold myself. She hasn't done anything. It's not her fault those that came before her failed to meet my expectations. See 3.

3. Just because I was foolish enough to expect a little maturity and responsibility doesn't mean I'm going to get it. I am wrong to expect things from others and be angry that they don't live up to my expectations. Arguably, you would expect things out of those you care about. But rather than anger at their failure, it would behoove you to encourage them or at the very least sympathize. Or realize you are expecting too much.

My expectations of others are too high. I give them as many chances as they need. But then comes my breaking point. And once that is reached, redemption is almost impossible. I am as unforgiving as the sea. There I sit in my anger and disappointment, and nobody is hurt but myself. The 'offender' deems me certifiable, and we've both lost. It's not 'nice' to deal out chances like cards. Nothing is gained, nothing learned. Place your bets. If you want another chance, I ask that you understand the stakes.