Confession

In the face of temptation I offer a view into my heart, bare and honest.

My temptation is change. I desire a new place. I desire a new job. I desire something different. But my desirous soul does not get what it wants without sacrifice. My sacrifice is the donning of a label. I am jaded.

I worked on the Outer Banks as a parasail boat mate for two summers. My uniform was a bathing suit, my office a boat on the water, and my responsibility to talk to tourists and play with a parachute all day. By the second summer I was bored out of my mind. I appreciated the fact that I was on the water, but just couldn't bring myself to feel content.

I imagine myself sitting in a room, bored like a rebellious teenager forced to spend time with her parents, challenging the world. "Entertain me, I dare you to try". Immaturity is threatening to overtake me.

Now I work as a web developer. I have an amazing job. A variety of opportunities for experience and a fantastic boss. Guess what. I'm bored. Discontent. Frustrated. Once again, I can appreciate the position I'm in. A good paying job, challenging work, a great environment, and the promise of advancement. Who could ask for more? The girl that watches me in the mirror every morning. She just stares, silenty demanding more. How can she be so wearied by such luxury?

Is it instant gratification I'm after? To be good at something without trying? To be successful without the hard work? Sometimes I accuse myself. I scold myself for my fatique. My indifference. My lack of appreciation.

But I work. I wake each morning with new resolve and motivation. I fight a constant uphill battle to be successful. Productive. Happy. Who am I to expect perfect happiness and contentment? It must be earned.

This is my confession. And my resolution to begin again. To work harder. And to earn, not demand, the freedom my heart desires.

You know what they say..

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. So I guess when my coworker comes in dressed like me at least once a week, I should feel complimented. I think she secretly just wants to be me. Can you blame her?? She puts up this thinly veiled front like "I wore this because I thought you didn't have anything like it!!" Sure.. uh-huh. Just like last Wednesday? And the Friday before that??

Or perhaps I secretly want to be her.. Where did I put that brown striped shirt again?

Blog-o-mercial

Do you know any women? Do you ever speak to them alone or in groups? Do you have any female relatives? If this describes you then listen closely to the following message.

Trying to follow a conversation between a married couple or best friends, especially groups of women, can sometimes be difficult. They skip words, finish each other's sentences, and change subjects seemingly at random.

Ooh, shiny!!

Don't worry, you are not alone. Millions of people around the globe suffer from the same affliction. But I can help.

Imagine if every time your girlfriend or wife were about to change subjects, she raised her hand. It would give you a warning and allow you to say to yourself, "okay, new topic" and easily follow along with the conversation.

This is not just a text book methodology that will never be used in practice. No sir. This strategy is used by actual social groups in every day conversation. In fact, my friends and I use it ourselves! The theory originated in the US but has spread and evolved into common practice for so many around the world.

No more unintelligible conversations or hours of useless chit chat. Now you can tune out useless parts of the conversation, and easily tune back in when a hand is raised to see if it applies to you. Or if you want to direct the conversation, just raise your hand and offer a new topic.

Using this method, EVEN YOU can hold unbroken conversations with any female for minutes at a time! Girls, you can help your friends gossip with you more effectively. Guys love it too! Suddenly they can stand to speak to their girlfriends or family members and respond in appropriate places. You will shock and amaze your girlfriends and wives.

Makes a great Christmas gift. I guarantee success!

Just three easy payments of $99.99. Combine this with our "sound of the ocean" beer glass and receive 25% off.

No checks or COD's please.

New and Different

I've been working all weekend. So to get out and offset spending a holiday weekend in the office, we took a trip out to Shenandoah National Park. I'd never been there before. It is so beautiful. Breathtaking views in all directions, and tons of deer.

I must have seen a hundred deer. They just stand by the road and watch you drive by. No fear what so ever. Not good, but it is what it is I guess. You can tell the city drivers. They drive 5 mph and stop dead in the road every time they see one. I can just imagine it "Look honey, a deer. Hey kids! Look!" Probably the same people that feed them and make them so tame. It's not the deer you have to watch, it's the damn city drivers stopped in the middle of the road watching the deer. Sigh..

The plan was to go night hiking so I didn't take my camera with me. Not really the best decision I've made this week. But I'll definitely be back, so I can take pictures next time.

This picture is from the Shenandoah Park Website. And actually it was pretty humid out yesterday so the visibility was about the same. I'll replace the pic as soon as I go back and take a few of my own.

So I'm sort of a scaredy cat. I was a little apprehensive about hiking through the woods at night. I mean, bears, coyotes, you never know what's going to be out there. But our night was absolutely uneventful in the danger category, and highly therapeutic.

It was just a short hike to test out the knee and get rid of my cabin fever. Probably 2.5 miles round trip. But it was awesome. We hiked down a trail that followed a stream. We listened to the water the whole way. The reason we chose that trail was the waterfall at the end. The path didn't really get close enough to see the falls. But we heard them. The hike back up was good exercise for my knee as well. Today my knee is really pretty normal. There's hope yet.

The very last part of our hike was down a small portion of the Appalachian Trail. We passed another hiker who remarked "that's not something you see every day" about meeting us on a trail at night. He was right. And it was sort of inspiring and comforting all at once. It's nice to know there are others that share your interests and posses that calm energetic quality that I think we all associate with the "outdoor" population. There's a certain romance to a lifestyle that embraces the outdoors.

Just before we got to the car we stopped to stargaze. It was a wonderfully clear night with not much moonlight providing perfect visibility. There were, of course, millions of stars, a few satellites, and then finally, the coveted shooting star. "okay, we can go now.."

It was probably 11pm when we started to head back. And to round out our adventure and accompany our 30 mile drive back out of the park, we picked up an interesting radio station. From the top of the mountain you pick up a huge variety of stations, many competing for the same frequencies. But the one we landed on was Dr. Drew (from MTV's Loveline) and Adam Corolla (from the original Man Show). People call in asking questions and making comments. It's the weirdest of the weird, but highly entertaining. Last night was unofficially "I'm attracted to transvestites" night. I mean, after an awesome hike, a beautiful night, and some stargazing, you sort of just say "well, I suppose.."

When (if) I grow up

Ever reason with yourself? I mean, not out loud. (I would never do that.) But like, try convince yourself that something is okay?

I am a Web Developer. I got my degree in Applications Software Development. But I don't really like what I do. I mean, it's alright. But I don't love my job. I like the people I work with, and a lot of the things I do, but I don't like just sitting around coding all day.

Duh, what did you think you were going to be doing when you went to school for programming??

Yeah, I know. But I just wanted to get through school, and I was already on my second major. I didn't know what else to do, and it was easy, so I stuck it out. I mean, I'm not hopeless here. I have a bachelors degree and they pay me to do what I learned in school. I'm good at my job. I'm just not in love with it.

I always have this guilt about wanting to change careers. I haven't been out of school that long. And I'm using my degree. But I want to do something different. In fairness, I never went through school intending to be a developer. I had more of a management career in mind. And I'm doing exactly what I had planned to do, get some experience under my belt and then move on. But now I'm also interested in pursuing my personal training and getting into nutrition.

So this morning, I reasoned to myself that I like some web development. And just because I don't want to be a code monkey forever doesn't mean I'm "betraying" my education. I'm growing. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Growing. I could use my education to make web pages. Or get into some web design. I'm just giving myself choices. Right?

I'm not sure if it's working yet. But I do feel a little bit better every time I reason with myself. I'm glad we had this talk...

Tragedy at sea

Volvo Ocean Race Update

Since last Thursday ABN AMRO TWO has lost a crew member to the sea, Movistar has abandoned ship, ABN AMRO TWO turned back to pick up the Movistar crew, and yet the race continues. Nobody ever said it would be easy. But you're never quite prepared for what can happen.

Photo from www.volvooceanrace.com

You might be a redneck

S2H and his brother are both alumni of the Wanakena Ranger School in Upstate New York. A bunch of people from his brothers class still get together a couple times a year for campouts and parties. The first time I met them was at their annual cabin party. When we pulled in they were having axe throwing competitions and chainsaw relays. Yeah. You'd have to see it to believe it.

A couple of weeks ago S2H and I met up with them in the Adirondacks for a camping and rafting trip down the Hudson. Sadly, there was no axe throwing this time. So you're thinking.. the Hudson? Same river that's like a quarter mile wide, runs through NYC and is disgustingly dirty? Yeah, but way up in the Adirondacks before it gets big, polluted and flat.

Saturday night we camped in the middle of Adirondack Park. It was gorgeous. We lounged in front of the huge fire the boys built. It was so hot we all had to sit ten feet from it to keep our skin from melting off. Then they went and got a lot more wood. Boys.


When I woke up I realized we had pitched our tent about 25 yards from a beaver damn. Now tell me that's not awesome. I hiked around the pond, and took a few snapshots of the damn and beaver den before we headed off to the river.

I'd never been rafting before. And I'm not gonna lie, it was cold. We lucked out with a gorgeous sunny 65 degree day, but the water temp was still only about 40. Our saving grace was the full wet suit and booties we each rented from the rafting company. It took about five hours to paddle the river. We had a blast. Our guide Mark rocked. He has been rafting the Hudson for 16 years.

Seriously though, if you ever get the chance to go, it's awesome. Of course, Spring is the best time to go because the water is up. But if you want to bust into the sport easy, check it out in the summer!

Adirondack River Outfitters

The (Star)buck stops here

There are some things I just won't do. And on the top of that list? I will not drink green tea lattes. Even though they're probably good for me. Not even for Starbucks.

The one I got yesterday actually made me want to vomit. Who on Earth actually likes these things??

They taste like grass. And I totally like grass. You should have seen it when I went to dump it out. It was like green sludge on the bottom. Yuck. They've gone too far this time.

Announcement

I would just like to say that it's Wednesday and I'm sore. But I am not surprised. I think this means I'm growing as a person.

Some might question my sexuality

But I don't think that's entirely fair. If I lived with a male, perhaps.. but since ER and I have no readily available male.

Oh now stop it.. I'm not going to talk about that.

I'm talking about grilling!! ER bought a grill! And we have been grilling like fiends! We are awesome. We have had at least one barbeque every week for the last month. Birthday parties, friends from out of town parties, just because we're addicted to our grill parties.. you name it.

Sooo yummy. Besides, how else were we going to use the five pounds of garlic ER bought??

Bum leg blues

I hurt my knee again. It's bad this time. I'm giving up all of my classes. Two of them just for the next couple of months. But the rest of them permanently. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. It's like watching all of my hard work in building up these classes this past year just slipping away. You never realize how much you love something until you have to give it up.

What am I going to do with myself? I can't rock climb. No mountain biking. I mean we're down to the basics here. Walk carefully, don't do something stupid like climb a flight of stairs. I hurt my knee again a few nights ago in my sleep, just moving wrong. And I hurt it the other day just trying to put my knee brace on. That's about the time I broke down into tears. I'm so frustrated and angry. Self pity sucks, but I can't help it.

For a while my knee really seemed to be improving. I felt 100%. But all the nutrition in the world isn't going to help when I push too hard and tear tendons right? I need to learn to take it easy. I guess my body is screaming that loud and clear now. I had an x-ray. Waiting on the results of that. Hopefully this week I'll get in to see some type of knee specialist. I just can't wait any longer.

I did get these springy shoes though. They're z-coils. They feel awesome. Like walking on a cloud. Granted, they're a little strange looking. But people just sort of expect things like that out of me so I bet they don't even look twice. "There she goes again, more voodoo".

Longing for the sea

Sailing is one of those things that makes my heart ache. I want so much to be out on the water, setting the sails, plotting a course, visiting far away places.

The Brunel Crew getting ready for NY

This past weekend we went to the Baltimore Inner Harbor to see the Volvo Ocean Race Open 70s and Extreme 40s while there in port. They've just completed the fifth leg of the race and will leave this Sunday for NY. It gives me chills to see the seven boats remaining in the race all lined up at the dock. Each of them bares the names of the sponsors and carries with it the hopes and dreams of so many different people. The boats are undergoing as much maintenance as they can handle while they're in port. The crews are enjoying some much needed food and rest. And race fans from all over the country have flocked to the Harbor to see the boats and experience the race.

Movistar came away with the In port Race title.

Saturday we got to the Harbor while the 70s were out competing in the In-Port race. Nothing to see, the boats were out in the Chesapeake. But the Extreme 40s were playing around in the harbor. It's thrilling to see forty foot catamarans flying a hull in the tiny little Inner Harbor. There couldn't have been more than 10 knots of wind, but no trouble for the sleak cats. They popped their hulls out of the water with ease. Sunday we returned just in time to watch the last tour of the 70s leave without us. Bad timing. We stood on the dock watching the tour guide walk the last group past the boats. I just knew he was telling them something intensely fascinating. I wanted so much to be on that dock inspecting every piece of hardware, every line, every inch of those boats. Not that they would let us on board, but it would have been awesome just to get close.

Finally last night we took one last trip to Baltimore and barely made the last tour. PHEW! Sooo worth the wait. We had a fantastic tour guide. She was an adorable librarian, clearly a sailing enthusiast, and very knowledgable about the race, the boats, and the crews. And Oh My God are those boats amazing.

Movistar - still going strong

There are lots of different sailboat races. The Volvo takes place every four years and is one of the more publicized races. Crews of ten (down from twelve four years ago) race around the world stopping along the way to compete in In-Port races, make repairs on their boats, do some PR and rest. There are more extreme races like Around Alone, now called 5-Oceans, where a single sailor races around the world stopping at various ports. And crazier yet, the Vendee Globe solo non-stop no assistance circumnavigation, the Everest of Sailing Races. The World Sailing Games are starting in 9 days and the Fleet and Match races of the America's Cup Season has been ongoing since 2004. They will end with the climactic Louis Vuitton and America's Cup Matches in 2007. It's a huge World of excitement, but sadly not that well known in the US.

A member of team Erricson

Weekends like this one make my dreams of adventures burn strong and inspire me to work toward a life on the water. I feverishly search for ways to spend more time on a boat. Could I quit my job? What if I moved to Annapolis? Would I be able to crew on someone's boat for the weekly races? What if I take lessons? Could I buy a boat? It's contagious too. Even Steph, who hasn't ever sailed, caught the bug. She was swept up in our excitement and now is eager to try sailing too.

Good weekend.

Ow.

Dude, I am so sore. It's sort of awesome to feel sore. As long as I'm not too sore to move. I like it because it's proof that I didn't just imagine going to the gym yesterday, it makes me feel less like a slacker, and it means I kicked my class' butt last night! Yess!! Besides, it's fun to say "woah, I totally kicked my own ass!"

Today, it's my upper back and chest. I did most of a chest workout before class so I fully expected my chest to be sore. It's awesome. The perfect soreness where I take a deep breath and feel my serratus tightening around my rib cage just the right amount and my pecs burn when I try to hold my arm out. But my upper back was a little unexpected. Sweet. I'm totally getting better at this teaching thing.

But my consistent surprise at my soreness sort of makes me wonder. I had the following conversation with MM this morning. I'm not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer.

GOSH! I'm totally sore!
Well, you had class last night.
Yeah but I must have worked them really hard.
Dude, you're sore every Wednesday.
Really??
Yeah.
Like, just lately? Or forever?
Well, like months.
That's forever. GOSH! I'm totally clueless!

I wonder if I look at everything with such skewed perception??

Not so fast

Morning ritual: Shower, blah, blah, blah. Drive to work. Stop at Coffee Shop for crack :). Narrowly escape brawl with guards. Sit down at desk and read the latest breaking news. And settle in for a day of work.

This morning things got a little screwy. The part where I read latest breaking news? Turns out it's homework. haha!! Somebody has to do homework! Oh wait.. RE.. that's me. Doh!

So the homework is that I have to tell the world six things they don't know about me. And then 'tag' six more people to do the same.

I'm not much into these things. But you know, MM's cool and stuff. And I really didn't have an idea for a blog today anyway. The really lame thing though?? I don't know anyone who blogs on here except MM. Oh wait!!! I can totally pull the "why haven't you been blogging?! You read my blog all the time and always say how you want to start blogging. Now's your chance!" card. Woah, that's a big card.

So ER. Ha! That's RE backward. Woah. Anyway, you're tagged.

Big Apple Girl.. you're tagged. Are you coming down this weekend btw?

You girls are way overdue on the blogging. So get 'er done! You can totally say "I made you do it".

Okay, yeah, I'll have to think on the other four. The assignment said six! I'm so lame, GOSH! Heh.. dude, can I borrow some friends?

So at long last... six things you really could do without knowing about me.

1. I snore. Not the cute little girl kind of snore. I mean, I SNORE. Probably lots of girls snore. It's just not the sort of thing we're supposed to admit to until you've said "in sickness and in health" and all that nonsense. But I was never really the type to follow the rules. My roommate ER refuses to let me crash on her futon EVER AGAIN. Some psycho babble about not being able to sleep. Personally, I just try not to let the little things bother me. :P

2. I'm a total wuss. I'm terrified of heights. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I mean, I try to act all tough and stuff but I'm a total weenie. It's been a long hard struggle pushing myself to rock climb and mountain bike. Seriously the first time I tried rock climbing. INDOORS. I could only go about 10ft off the ground. I'm getting better but still a sissy-girl at heart.

3. When I was in fourth grade I wrote a story in school about a dragon. My teacher and my parents thought it was this fantastic elaborate story. But I could have sworn the idea came from a cartoon or something I had seen. I'm not entirely sure. I remember feeling like I had cheated. But maybe not?? I didn't mean to cheat. People get ideas from all kinds of places. But I don't think I blatantly copied someone else's idea. Regardless, I still feel guilty about it.

4. I secretly don't think I'm very good at my job. But maybe everyone feels that way?? I work really hard and try to get a lot done. But I always have the feeling "someone will find out" that I'm really not what they think. My Dad said a lot of people feel that way. They're honest people, they just don't think they're good enough.

5. My room is very, very messy. And I would like to say it's a temporary state resulting from the extreme clogginess (see I can make up words) of my schedule. But really, it's rather consistently messy. I do clean it sometimes. Uh huh! There was that time.. back in November!! But it never stays that way for very long. I blame the fact that I have too much stuff. So this weekend my goal is to start getting rid of some stuff. I envy MM's house. She's so neat! And way uncluttered.

6. My clothes face left in the closet. I never wore braces. Never participated in a spelling bee. Did okay in shop class. (I had chicken pox before that.) Don't really have phone number issues. I don't like diet anything. And sunshine's cool, but I like the rain just as much.

Update: This was a total lie. My clothes face right.

Okay then! Now that you know some very random, and disappointingly negative, things about me. You can go on with your day. ER, BA Girl, I totally expect a blog by the end of the day!

I had no idea

I always joke about how I need to join a support group for Starbucks addicts. But after my previous blog I thought I'd see if there were any out there. There totally are. But there are also tons of other sites related to Starbucks. Who knew?

Addicted and Proud
Support your local coffee shop
What's in your coffee?
Starbucks vs. The Addict
Starbucks Gossip
IT Geeks who want to work for Starbucks

I'm fickle that way

I love Starbucks. In fact, I have on more than one occasion professed my undying love for their charred cups of delicious nectar in this very blog. But despite our involvement, I frequently cheat on them with the first available alternative. It’s not that I have anything against Starbucks. No, that’s not true. I have a lot against Starbucks. They're a seemingly enormous empire that sold themselves out for money and fame. Honestly though, I would have done the same. They have a hugely profitable enterprise. And they seem to be a good company to work for. Besides, it still feels like a small coffee shop even though they're a multimillion dollar business.

I go to Starbucks because they’re fast, friendly, consistent, and they don't tell me I need to make a purchase of $5 in order to use my debit card. It's amazing the things that influence consumer behavior. And also, it's on the way to work. I mean they're on every damn corner. But, as I discovered yesterday, so is Murky Coffee. On the way to work I mean.

Drawn by their clever name, and my desire to be wooed away from the evil clutches of Starbucks, I stopped in. I wasn't sure if they were open because it seemed deserted. But the tiny little sign said they opened at 7 and I peered in and spotted the laptop guy in the corner and the runner girl on the couch. I ordered a latte. Paid $4.25 (ouch). And waited.

And waited. And waited.

Dude was busy back there. And clearly an experienced Barista. But wow that latte took a while. But when I tasted it? Way worth the wait. And I totally dig cheating on Starbucks. It's almost like volunteer work. I feel I'm giving back to my community. Well, not quite. But you know what I'm sayin'. No need to line Starbuck's pockets. I'm trying to support the little guy here.

So Murky Coffee is where I shall stop for my morning crack until it becomes a pain or I find some other excuse to revisit Starbucks. I'm sure I will relapse. It's inevitable. But there's always rehab right? There must be support groups for this.

Hi, my name is uh.. Jane, and I'm addicted to Starbucks. *sob!*

The romance of travel

I love to go places. It doesn't matter where I'm going, but something about the getting there part is so intoxicating to me. It could be a long car ride, a plane ride, a bus, a boat, a train. It doesn't matter.

Last night I had a two hour layover in the Detroit Airport. It was just like every other layover in every other airport I've ever been in. I was wearing my favorite jeans and I sat curled up in the last seat in a row of vinyl chairs, the ones with arm rests in between so you can lay across them. I had my Starbucks coffee in hand (You can't imagine my excitement when I found a Starbucks on my way to the gate.), my bag sitting next to me, and my hair all tied up in a knot. The only thing missing was the attractive boy sitting next to me. If he had been there I would have leaned my head on his shoulder to complete the moment. Hopefully he'll go along next time. But I just sat there watching people and thinking about the richness of the experience.

It's like John Mayer's song 'Wheel'. So much sadness, so much joy, so much anticipation and excitement. And all in one place.

Airports see it all the time
Where someone's last goodbye
Blends in with someone's sigh
Cause someone's coming home
In hand a single rose
And that's the way this wheel Keeps working out
And I won't be the last to love her

Maybe that song has defined my emotions about travelling. But more likely, it so eloquently describes what I've always felt. I always find myself contemplating things more deeply when I travel. Perhaps it's the catalyst of the changes I feel when I'm taken away from familiarity. I consider my life as it is. The things I used to imagine for myself and how they have or have not come to be. And the future that lays before me. I consider friends, relationships, family, and all of the people around me. It's one of the only times I feel absolutely connected to reality and aware of the world and happy to be a small part of it.

I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give return to me

Our first Friendiversary!

It was actually yesterday. I know this because I remember a distinctive smell emanating from one of the first people we met on our adventure a year ago.

"So, um... Celebrating?? he.. your eyes aren't red at all!"

Hey, where'd my food go?!

We're totally still bff.

Catch 22

Alright, so I want to be a nice person. But I don't want to be walked upon. But what happens when I have to choose? I mean, I can try to be nice while in fact telling someone not to walk all over me. But am I really being nice? And would it be nice if I let them walk all over me and just fumed about it??

People do dumb stuff. And sometimes when you say "hey, that was dumb" they get upset. So either, you let them do dumb stuff that affects you, or you say "stop it" and risk them getting upset.

I find that I have to decide whether or not the person is important to me. And then decide if I can prevent their stupidity from affecting me without actually having to confront them. Cuz, well, I'm not your mother. Grow the F up and stop being dumb. It's not my job to coddle you. But if they're someone I care about, then it becomes important to confront them, yet be as kind as possible, so that our friendship can outlast the current conflict.

But is it fair to stop caring about someone in order to avoid having to be nice to them? Weird question, I know, but I wonder this. Because I have de-friended people because it just seems stupid to sit there and boost their ego when they're the ones that F-ed up and really they just need to grow up and I never really cared that much in the first place. What if that were me? Honestly? I'd rather someone not have to cradle my ego and walk on egg shells around me because I was a little pipsqueek and couldn't handle a little criticism.

I have also de-friended people because I was forced to 'play nice' rather than listen to them whine about how I criticized them as I would a person I truly cared for and wanted to resolve conflict with.

Basically? I'd rather not be friends with you if I can't tell you something that bothered me without you having a tantrum that requires me to kiss your ass. Right? Problem. Discussion. Solution. Done.

Beware your judgemental thoughts

I was at work the other day, and a coworker asked me about Yoga as way to address some pain issues she has. I have sort of inadvertently developed a reputation as the go-to girl about exercise and health questions. But this particular person is not someone I would have ever expected to ask a question like that. She seems very healthy. Just not someone who would need or want advice from me. It took me completely by surprise. Pleasantly though. And I had to scold myself for my judgmental thoughts.

It seems it's the quiet ones you wonder about. The verbal or otherwise expressive people who share their thoughts and feelings with you are usually known entities. You pretty much know when they're pleased or not, and you can react accordingly. But the ones who keep to themselves, or seem to be displeased, those are the ones you have to work to understand. But it gets even more complex with some people. Expressive or not, you just never know.

I teach a few classes at my gym. Mostly BodyPump, but also Sculpt, and I'll soon be adding BodyFlow to my repertoire. So when you're at the front of the room with anywhere from ten to sixty pairs of eyes on you, you get a variety of reactions. There are the people who set up front and center where the action is. They usually laugh at my jokes and chat with me before or after class about this or that. There are the ones that hide in the back and try not to be seen. There are the ones who just sort of hang out in the middle and react some of the time, and everything in between. So I often wonder whether people get what I say, enjoy the class, wish I were dead, whatever. You just want to know.

But I have to remind myself that just because someone doesn't speak, doesn't mean they don't love my class. Or just because they're in the front row doesn't mean they're happy with me either. So I try to treat everyone as though they're just as happy to be there as I am whether they show it or not. And more often than not, I get very positive feedback for treating people this way.

I always try to encourage the new people taking that leap into something new, and I try to touch base with my hard core regulars. But it's a little more difficult to interact with the middle group. I want to help them along without "calling them out". I want to show them I'm excited to have them in class without putting them out of their comfort zone and even worse, make them shy away from coming to class. I do my best. Sometimes I suck at it. But sometimes I get a huge heartwarming smile or a very thoughtful comment that I would never have expected. And it's so rewarding and makes it all worthwhile. It makes me wonder why anyone would want to do anything other than teach group exercise. It's wonderful.

I mean, who knows, my class might be the high point in someone's day. It might be what keeps them going. Exercising might be something they hate doing, but my class makes it bearable. You just never know. So I remind myself to put my smile on my face, give my class everything I have, and beware my judgmental thoughts.

Easily amused

I usually drink a protein shake for breakfast every morning. I start sippin' away when I get to work around 7:30 and it generally takes until noon to finish. I put the same thing in it every time. Fruit, protein powder, flax seed oil, coconut oil, flax seeds, water, a little oj for flavor, and some nutritional yeast. Mostly it's just a fat free, protein rich breakfast, and I get some good oils and vitamins in the process.

Sometimes if I'm feeling exceptionally lazy, I'll just put the yeast in a cup of juice and call it breakfast. Yeast is awesome stuff. It's not the bread-baking stuff, it's more like brewer's yeast. It's nutty-tasting flaky stuff that has a bunch-o-vitamins and minerals. It does all kinds of things like keep me from having bad dreams, regulates my blood sugar, and gives my body a ton of amino acids.

So this morning I was feeling exceptionally lazy. I grabbed my juice, dumped in my yeast, and hi-ho-hi-ho, it's off to work I went. I had some form of granola around 8 that sustained me long enough to get some work done. And about 11 I decided to drink my juice.

Gulp, gulp..

About half way through I started to feel a little itchy. And then sort of warm.

Am I allergic to juice now too?!

Gulp, gulp..

Then my face starts to feel hot. I don't want to be allergic to juice! I like juice!

Gulp, gulp..done.

Okay, now the hair on my head is standing up. Is this what hives feel like?

Well, I guess it's a little late now..

Wait! I know what it is! I'm having a niacin flush!! Sweet! Well, sort of not. But cool! I haven't had a niacin flush in years!

Niacin, a.k.a. Vitamin B3, is one of the plethora of vitamins in my yummy nutritional yeast cocktail. It naturally dilates your capilaries allowing the cells in your body to dump toxins in the blood to be filtered out by the liver. But it also generates this nice warm flush and a bit of itchiness caused by the histamine hormone. Neat right?

You know you really need niacin when you get a flush, because you develop a sort of tolerance to the amount of the vitamin your body is accustomed to having. So I'm super excited! Even though it means I haven't been taking my niacin. Bad!! But yay! I love to see my 'voodoo' working for me.

No really, I'm not hungry.

Ever read those Chicken Soup for the Soul books? They've got these cute little stories in them about the little boy who wants the puppy with the bum leg because the little boy has a bum leg too. Or the guy putting the starfish back in the sea so they don't drown when the tide goes out.

Yeah, so I was sitting on the couch after Easter dinner and there's one of those pocket-sized Chicken Soup books on the coffee table. So I pick it up. Mistake number one. I read a few stories (they're really short), and I rememeber why I never read them. The damn stories make me want to cry. Every one. My eyes tear up. So you think I could just put the book down. Nope.

Stop reading!!! Stop it!

Still reading. My throat gets all tight again and I scold myself for still reading.

Why are you still reading?

Yes, I know it's a nice story but it's making you cry!! What's new? Everything makes me cry. I am an emotional wreck. Ha! Girl = Emotional Wreck.

Know what finally made me stop reading? I read them all. Damn! Anybody have a tissue?

I guess I need to stick with Buffy. Tree pretty, fire bad. Keep it simple. GOSH! Who writes these stories anyway?

Buy him... bids starting at $10

If this ain't the craziest thing I've ever seen, I don't know what is.

Jeepers Creepers(v2)

I work in a cubicle farm. Sad but true. It's an odd arrangement. The illusion of privacy, with actually no privacy at all. Kind of like public bathroom stalls. But anyway.. At first it took a bit of focus but I finally found a certain comfort level with, or perhaps ignorance of the lack of privacy. Sometimes the occasional "bless you" coming through the wall seems a bit odd. "God? Is that you?" And sometimes it's hard not to respond to questions asked in the next cubicle. But for the most part I'm pretty used to it.

One thing that really bugs the crap out of me, is the guy who walks down the isle peeping into every cubicle he walks by. You know exactly who I'm talking about. That one guy that just can't mind his own. Why does he feel compelled to do this?? I mean, I guess it’s not so obvious when you’re the fish in the fishbowl. Maybe if "they" didn't design every cube so that your back is to the “opening” it might be a little more obvious. (How sad it’s not even a door. Sounds a bit dirty really. I actually totally get the "rear view mirror" now.) And did you ever watch that guy walk down a row of cubes and alternately turn his head to look into ALL the cubes on each side? Sort of reminds you of a chicken bobbing its head in search of bugs. Granted, it may be subconscious and he just plain doesn’t realize he’s doing it. But man, sometimes I just wanna be like "LOOKING FOR SOMEONE?!?"

So I feel have no choice. I dub thee.. Mr. Peeper. (Can you do that POOFING part again? I'm not sure I'm a very good POOFER!) I wouldn’t say it’s Peeping-Tom creepy. But it’s a little bit nosey. Not to mention you look like a freakin' idiot! GOSH! Of course, I’m sure we’ve all done it. I just wish I could suggest to the guy, "hey, think you could just walk down the hall and maybe gaze in the general direction in which your walking?" I mean, who does he think he is, the Warden? Thanks but the inmates could probably do without your supervision. Besides, we totally already have a warden!!

It's midnight.

And I wonder why I'm so tired at work all the time. Oh yeah, and it's actually 1 am because we lost an hour. Damn Spring.

Ode to Spring

... and the obligatory Cherry Blossom photo.


I love every season. I've tried hard to find something I like just a little bit more about one than the other three, but I can't. I love them all equally. When I was younger I used to think my parents must love either my sister or I more, they just lied when we asked them which of us it was. I was convinced equality on that level was impossible. But now I believe they did love us both exactly the same.

This is from the magnolia tree in our back yard. I had no idea it was there until today.

Escape

To offset the insane and rather oppressive hours I've been working the last week or so, I went rock climbing today. I almost didn't. I had planned to go, but then slept in and sort of made an unspoken decision to skip it. THANK GOD THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT. With some much needed and greatly appreciated coersion, I decided to go anyway. Work could wait.

It was an absoultely gorgeous day for my first climb this season. The breeze was blowing, the sun shining, and I had some fabulous company. S2H invited his coworker H to climb with us. She'd been before but it had been years ago. You totally couldn't tell, she did awesome! :) And I think she had a good time.

Typically you know you've had a good time when you have some reminder from your day. These reminders might be hangovers, scars a.k.a. battle wounds, or things you've brought back with you. Today, thanks to my 3/4 t-shirt and watch, my proof that I had a good time is this.

And what day would be complete without the bandana?

Being at work tonight is worthwhile having been out enjoying the day. Thank you, I really needed that.

A shameless plug

Check out BodyFlow and the other LesMills programs. I promise you won't regret it. Maybe I'll even see you in class...

http://www.lesmillsusa.com

GUSH!

If I had only one word to describe my emotion right now, that would be it. I spent the entire weekend in BodyFlow Instructor Training, all day Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I've been waiting for more than a year to get this certification. It was always too far away or in conflict with something else I had to do. BodyFlow is Tai Chi, Yoga and Pilates all rolled into a life changing hour of.. what exactly? Stress relief, strengthening, stretching, breathing, balance, centering, focus, relaxation, meditation. It's so much. But even more than that, it's whatever you need it to be. If you had a rough day, and just need a little focus, it gives you focus. If you are about to pop from the stress and just want a break, it takes all the pain away. If you want to work and be sore, it will kick your ass. If you just need to connect, you'll find a room full of others moving with you. If you want to be alone, you can be in your own little space. If you just don't know what the hell you want, it gives you a fresh outlook. Did I mention I love BodyFlow?

To make the weekend even more perfect I had an amazing instructor M. She's a local instructor that I've subbed for quite a few times but never met. But I knew the minute I met her that I would love her. All master trainers seem to have that spark of excitement and expertise and fun that makes you want to be their best friend. But M is special to me because she's from D.C. And being so close I'll be lucky enough to continue to interact with her as a fellow BodyFlow instructor.

The group I was with was fantastic as well. In general fitness instructors are cool people. They're energetic and happy and in shape especially during training like this weekend because they're all there to learn. But these women blew me away! There were so many different personalities but, with the exception of M and me, they all knew each other and had a very apparent bond. They accepted the two of us as though they'd known us forever. It was such a great experience. Both M and me are planning to go back when they release Flow in their club.

I came away with so much more than just Flow training. After just three days there was so much emotion in the room. We were all discovering things about ourselves, pushing our limits, tearing through mental and physical barriers and getting that much closer to being the person that each of us strives to be. I've never been so happy to be so utterly worn out. They say it's not until you feel everything that you can finally understand how to be yourself. When you physically feel every muscle ache you come to a point where you can't hold on anymore. You have to let go of whatever it is you hold onto, and then you're left with just you. It's amazing the things you discover about yourself that you never knew you always had within you.

It's completely ridiculous to hear myself say it and to feel the emotion well up within me. But you have to literally fall apart to realize, everything you always wanted is right there. It's inside of you. It's been there all along. You may not remember the next day, or even in ten minutes. But for that time, however brief, you feel connected to the universe and the energy around you. And you realize, everything is as it should be.

I want so much to be able to give that experience to others. To let them experience the tingling in their bodies, and the peace in their hearts. I get goose bumps just thinking about it.

Thank you M. Namaste.

Out with a bang!

Day 15 - Detox is OVER!!! And to celebrate I made dinner for ER and myself. It's also St. Patty's Day and she's Irish, so I decided on filet mignon. May as well do things right. I left work to hit up the grocery store. Three hours and five stores later I had finally gathered all of the necessary supplies. I'm telling you, I don't screw around. I got a cast-iron pan, garlic press, tongs, asparagus, a meat thermometer, wine, herb rice, and a handful of other things. I swear I made the most delicious pan seared filet you have ever tasted in your life. Granted, this is the first red meat I've had in three weeks. But it was really amazing. And on top of it, this was my first shot at cooking any kind of red meat that doesn't come in ground form. I'm so proud of myself.

Also, ER says I'm the best date EVER! I'm like, "I know!"

So fourteen days and I have a new, freshly flushed body. Honestly, I'm a little disappointed. I thought there would be much to write about. Much to learn. Wacky symptoms, terrible cravings, amazing realizations. But it was almost too easy.

Half way through I thought to myself that detox had been cake so far. Well, a non-sugar, no flour, no eggs kind of cake.. But literally so easy that I wondered what I was leaving out. I did fall victim to some minor indiscretions. One night I dipped two of my peices of sushi in soy sauce. GASP! It was too much to resist. And I unintentionally ate a can of lentil soup that had tomato paste in it. And I never did cut out vinegar, but for the most part I had been strictly following the diet. And I hadn't even experienced any symptoms.

That same day one of the expected symptoms finally did surface. The best one. Gas. All of the fiber had finally gotten rid of most of my intestinal bacteria. The good news? It was a friday so my co-workers wouldn't have to put up with it over the weekend. But the bad news was I would have to put up with it. GOSH! But I am glad to be seeing some symptoms. I can't believe I'm saying this.

So I'm disappointed. But it's over! And still good for me even though it wasn't as hard as I expected.

You want me to what?

My boss was out on friday. He had a dentist appointment in the morning and then he was going to visit his in-laws. He called just before his appointment and said he had something to talk to me about. "This can't be good," I thought to myself. But then again, he wouldn't give me bad news on the phone would he? Well, just before 'the news' he got another call and had to go. I hate it when that happens. But I convinced myself it couldn't be bad news, he'd deliver that in person.

So noon rolls around and I step out for lunch. When I get back I've missed his call. UGH! I call him back and he's back to the "do you have a minute to talk about something?" Maybe this is a big deal.

I got offered a promotion.

Wow, that's great. An awesome opporunity, more visibility, tons more responsibility, and more money. So I should be happy. The hang up is I was all ready to move out to Tahoe. I was going to leave at the end of April when my lease is up.

My initial reaction was disappointment. Why is this happening? I had all these plans. And then my first rational thought was that I had to stay. But what about S2H. He was moving to Tahoe also. I can't just make a decision without talking to him, it wouldn't be fair. So I told him and headed home to visit my parents for the weekend. I hoped he'd take some time to think it over.

If I stay another year this job will be really good for my resume. Hopefully the experience will also build the confidence in my abilities that I seem to be lacking. I'll be able to do some things in D.C. I haven't done yet like take sailing lessons in Annapolis. Hike some trails I haven't tackled yet. I've barely done any of the AT and I live right next to it! Get some practice kayaking at Great Falls. Spend more time with the people here I've gotten close to recently. (I'm really going to miss a few awesome people.) Drop money into my IRA that would otherwise go to moving expenses. Take advantage of the relationship I've built with my gym and get some experience as a personal trainer. I got my cert back in September and haven't used it yet. Take my Body Flow cert and start widening my scope as an instructor. Take advantage of my awesome insurance, get some dental work done, have my knees looked at. Do some of the other random things I've been kicking myself for not doing before leaving D.C. Actually take a trip out to Tahoe and check it out before I pack up a truck and just move there. And generally just be more prepared when I actually do leave in a year.

If I go right now I'm not having the greatest luck with job leads so I may not be making the greatest career move. If anything it might be a demotion. I'm getting to the point where I should probably give a little thought to career management. Step away from the whatever I can find mindset. I'll be a little more strapped for cash than I wanted to be. It will basically be a crap shoot because I haven't visited or even done much research on the area. I don't know what gyms are there. I have no idea what parts of town I'll want to live in. Just a bunch of big unknowns. But I will get to satisfy my huge wanderlust craving.

By the time Sunday night came, I had pretty much decided for myself that staying would be the best thing to do. A year isn't that long, just have to make sure that year doesn't turn into two, and then three.

S2H and I sat down and talked about it for a while. Rationally going through each pro and con. He agreed he didn't want a year to turn into more than that. But that one more year here would probably be good for us for all of the reasons I mentioned. So it was decided. That was a very bitter-sweet and melancholy conversation.

This morning in the shower I almost cried. I felt a helpless, depressed tightness in my chest. I felt empty and alone. This was one of the toughest decisions I can ever remember making. The facts are clear-cut. But my heart is screaming for me not to listen. I didn't think I could really tell my boss I would stay.

It feels like I'm getting sucked in to the comatose mindset of contentedness. Anti-change. Safety. They'll always offer more money. If you can't say no now, you never will. I feel like hiding my face. Like someone is going to accuse me of being a coward. "You're turning your back on your dreams," they'll say.

I never thought a promotion would be this hard to swallow.

Ooh ee, ooh ah ah...

I happen to be extremely lucky in that both of my parents are Chiropractors. It's a beautiful thing. No back pain, and pretty much no other pain either. You'd be surprised what kinds of problems a knowledgeble chiropracter can solve. In addition to manipulation my mom is really into nutrition. She's great with allergies and knowing which vitamins are going to help with what.

This past weekend I made the trip up to NY for a visit. ROAD TRIP!! I love road trips. And I love visiting my parents. Not just because they fix my various maladies, they're also very cool people. How do you think I got this cool?! :)

So my mom is doing her thing and she tells me the knee pain I've been having is nutritional and directly related to my pancreas.

"My wha..?? My knee pain is nutritional??"

Yeah, I don't get it either. But that's what my body is telling her. Works for me. That's good news too because that means my knees might be fixable without surgery! SWEET.

So I have all kinds of vitamins to add to my detox that are supposed to fix this pancreas issue, which is supposed to fix my knee issues. Could it really be this simple?? I sure hope so.

THANKS MOM!!

Don't count your chickens...

Detox - Day 1

I stayed up late getting all the detox prep work done, but that's typical. So I'm a little sleepy today, but not bad considering I'm completely off the caffeine. It's decaf green tea from here on out. The shakes aren't as bad as I remember. The clay defintely made me gag. But I think my head is really in it this time. The weekend might be tough but I'm going home so I can let my mom cook :). Yay for mom's cooking. She said she's all stocked up on frozen fruit for shakes.

Also, thank God ER is hip to the detox. I bought some veggie juice thinking it would be a good "legal" afternoon treat. So as I'm packing my lunch she says "You can't drink that! It has peppers and tomatoes in it!" Huge blunder. Thanks for catching that one E. But the next blunder might be intentional so keep your eye out!

So far so good...

I'm a dick, I'm addicted to you..

I have this small, insignificant, minor, teensy-weensy, tiny little addiction to coffee. I freaking love it! Which is funny because I never used to like it and never had any desire to drink it until a couple of years ago. It was summertime and I had been pushing pretty hard at work for a few weeks, not getting enough sleep, and walking around like a zombie, so I finally broke down and got some coffee to make it through the day. Starbucks *just happened* to be the nearest coffee shop. As though they're not on every street corner. I ordered a large coffee. "Venti Drip"?? Sure, whatever. It was terrible. Bitter and scorching hot. No amount of cream or sugar could have made it better.

And of course I didn't just get a normal amount of sleep. I kept pushing it. So I finally figured out what the hell all of those gourmet drinks on the menu are, and I was introduced to my first latte. Let the angels rejoice! All the caffeine, but mostly just warm milk. Yum. That's all it took, I was hooked. Since then? Pretty much a consistent stop at Starbucks every morning. It's heavenly. I love Starbucks. Not so much the prices, but pretty much everything else.

Heh.

I first quit drinking coffee during Detox Round 1. I wanted to do it. I don't particularly like being addicted to coffee, or anything else for that matter. Coffee stains your teeth, it's expensive, not really good for you, and I think it makes me sleepier in the morning. It wasn't too difficult. Green tea for a couple of weeks and I was good. That lasted probably two months. And so follows the story of my reclamation.

I walked into the coffee shop before work one morning for the first time in a couple of months. I can't remember if I was tired or what. It was a gorgeous cool spring morning, the air felt good and the sun was warm. When I stepped through the door I could smell the coffee and I saw "the barrista".

Right. So there's this barrista. He's the stereotypical coffee shop guy. Not overly attractive, messy hair (when it's not bic'ed off), piercings, trendy glasses, and he always knows what I want to order. (Never mind that he knows what everybody wants to order.) He's the type of guy you imagine sitting in the park wearing all black, hunched over a sketchbook, the fingers in one hand running through his hair, a pencil nub and half-burned cigarette in the other hand scratching away at poetry or a drawing. I imagine he thinks very pensive thoughts about very deep things. It's not really about the barrista, just that image, that feeling. Sort of like the coffee shop would somehow be incomplete without him there. He's just part of the whole experience.

Regardless, it just felt so comforting and familiar. I didn't realize how much I missed it. I didn't intend to start drinking coffee every morning again. But it felt so nice and it stimulated all kinds of emotion in me. It really made me happy. It made me shiver with delight and I got goose bumps on my arms and up the back of my neck.

...

So since it's taper week I've been substituting green tea. It's been three days since my last cup of coffee.

Arrivederci

Anybody watch the Olympics Closing Ceremony last night? There's nothing better than watching it with S2H.

Ricky Martin comes on and he says "there's never a sniper around when you need one..."

"I think the dancers that look like strung out prostitutes really fit the Olympic theme."

I think I peed my pants.

Finishing school please.

I went to the diner on Saturday with my roommates and I ordered coffee. One slight problem, no spoon.

So what I was trying to say to the waiter was..

"You don't have to bring all the silverware out yet, but could I have a spoon please?"

But what came out was...

"If you're not planning on bringing silverware, can I have a spoon please?"

The girls immediately shot me looks of disbelief and began exclaiming how rude I had just been. I realized just a milisecond too late what I was about to spew out of my mouth. You can always count on me to be "that girl".

I know the chances of that waiter ever reading this are slim to negative five million but I want to say "I'm sorry" anyway.

The sound of.. uh.. lunch

Did you ever stop to listen to the salad bar? I mean, I never really did, but one day I became suddenly aware of the strange noises emerging from it. I was with my notorious partner in crime at RT. (Ruby Tuesdays for all of you out there who are less excited about acronyms than I am.) We always get the same thing. Every. Single. Time. I'm surprised the waiters even ask us anymore. Salad bar and french onion soup. Diet for her, Coke for me.

By the way, RT has the best salad bar ever.

So we're on our trip up to the bar, we each get a plate.. and the noise begins.

Ooh, hey watch it!
'scuuuse me..
[giggle]
Yum!
Greens!
Yay!
Whheee...
Ooh, look, onions!
Stinky..
Yeah, good point
Ooh..
I forgot carrots..
GOSH!
where's the..
what?
i found 'em.
buzz..
ooh..did you feel that?
What?
the buzz
yeah we talked about that like a month ago
oh.
Ooh..
crunchies..yay!
mmm...
sweet, olives!
[giggle]
k, done!
me too..

Okay, so maybe it's not the salad bar per say... But it's still noisy!

Are you mad at me?

I'm a pretty straight up girl most of the time. I'll let you know if something's a little off if I believe it's important. Otherwise I'll just wait a few until it doesn't matter anymore. (This, I have discovered, is a marvelous way to weed out the important battles from the really petty ones. But that's a blog for another day.) I say this because I recently left another blog site in favor of this one. My primary reason was to avoid all of the "drama".

What does that mean, exactly? Well, my purpose in writing a blog is just that, to write a blog. It's just a modern form of journaling that doubles as a medium to interact with the world. I get to vocalize my issues which turns out to be really therapeutic, I get to share my life with some part of the world no matter how small, and I have this fantastic creative medium with which to document my life. Not to mention that writing is a skill that gets better with practice. Practice, practice, practice.

So, I left this other blog site for blogspot. Yay! Blogspot RULES! But I keep getting this question..

Are you mad at me??
No, people, I am not mad at you. Why do you keep asking?
Well, you deleted my comments.
Yes, well I'm not going to save every comment forever.
You didn't respond to my email.
Honey, I can't get to that site from work. They block it.
Oh, so you're not mad at me??
NO!! I'm really not mad at you.
You put my picture behind Tom's. Does that mean you like him more?
No, I don't even know Tom.

Update:
You left her a Valentine's Day comment and not me!!
What? Are you serious? Who cares?!

And the list goes on. I even find myself calling into question the character of guys I know personally who have pictures of provocatively dressed women on their friends list. Guilty as charged. So I had to ask myself why I'm really here. What am I getting out of this and why is it creating so much drama? Why does everyone think this web page is life? This is not reality. Get up, walk away from your computer, and talk to a real live person. That, my friends, is reality. Don't get me wrong, I love the World Wide Web, but it does not define me. If I delete your comment it's because it was time for it to go. I didn't delete you. You're still there right?? We're still friends. Not to worry.

I don't want you to think I don't want comments. Comment away!! But if I delete it, please don't take it personally. If I don't blog about you, it's just because I respect your privacy. It's up to you whether or not to blog about yourself, isn't it?

So, since we have so much trouble distinguishing between reality and pure entertainment, here I am. Maybe this site will work out better.

It's that time again.

Detox Round two. The last time I did it, I certainly had some amazing realizations. Hopefully this time I can refresh my body and remember why I like to eat right. I want to document better this time. Keep track of how I'm feeling in connection to what I eat and do.

I remember bounding out of bed at 6am, amazing clarity and thinking capacity, near spriritual calmness, emotional balance, and intense motivation.

I also remember some mild depression, terrible gas, and craving vinegar like you wouldn't believe. I don't think S2H wanted to see me for the entire two weeks.

You're supposed to detox twice a year when the seasons change, spring and fall. It's been about a year since my last successful attempt. I tried to detox in the fall but I was seriously lacking in motivation. I can't remember what actually made me quit. I think I lasted a couple of days.

So here's the plan, this week is taper week. No white flour, no sugar, half the normal amount of caffeinne, protein for breakfast, and AM vitamin C. My roommate ER might do this with me. It's always better with a buddy to tell you not to cheat.

I would just like to apologize to my co-workers in advance. It could be a rough few days.

Here we go.

I wanna be like you..

When I was little my sister and I used to love listening to records. My parents liked it too because in order to keep the record player from skipping we had to sit still and listen. Our favorite record was the Jungle Book. It was awesome. I think we wore that record out we listened to it so much.

So what I'm wondering is would I still like it? Probably. But most of the stuff I loved in childhood would probably seem very uninteresting to me, except for a "oh, wow, I remember this..."

Like the Thundercats. I was in love with them when I was little. But not so much anymore. They have it out on DVD now. I'm so temped. And G.I. Joes. And barbies, I don't really want to play with barbies anymore.

But trivia? Now trivia I dig.

What was the name of the juice that the gummy bears drank??

What was the rangers name in Yogi bear?

What's the name of the cat in the smurfs?

Don't know? Call Tom, he knows everything.

Frustration

It all comes down to the lesson. If you take nothing away with you then what's the point?

I remember why I spent the better part of a year mostly not speaking to anyone. Nothing made sense to me. But I didn't want to just denounce everyone and everything in some fit of insecurity, I wanted to understand. I wanted life to make sense. I eventually came to terms with the chaos that is life and for the most part resumed a normal level of interaction. But every now and then I find myself lost in the dark. I feel like I'm 16 again and nothing makes sense. Things make me so angry sometimes. But why? Most of the time it's nothing personal. So why do I get so offended? I like my freedom, and I want others to have their freedom. So I guess I have to be tolerant when people exercise their freedom. Is that what they're doing?

What's got me so shook up?

How can some people be so balanced? Do they not care? Do they have bigger problems so the little ones don't seem like such a big deal? Have they figured this all out and are on to deal with bigger issues? Are they simply more patient? Are they stupid? Are they really smart?

It's not depression. And I don't want a drug to make me happy. Thanks anyway.

P.S. - this was the day I forgot my badge.

Well Said

The Olympics opening ceremony was awesome. Especially the lighting of the cauldron and the performance with the people in white suits on the repelling lines crawling up and down the mesh. (I tried to find out what group this was but didn't have much luck.) But I have to admit to a bit of disbelief when they brought out the Ferrari formula one car, and the driver proceeded to burn rubber all over the stage while the commentator explained how big car racing is in Italy. I think he and I had about the same reaction "..well that's a first for an Olympic opening ceremony". Although I know a few guys from high school who probably wet themselves with excitement.

My Secret Love Affair

We had a completely wonderful snowstorm Saturday night. They were predicting the biggest storm in three years. I doubt it broke any records but it was still amazing. Big fluffy white flakes, the beautiful silence you hear when you stand outside, and a gorgeous white blanket covering everything in sight. We ended up with about a foot when all was said and done. With a winter full of 50 degree weather I was thrilled to see mother nature really does know what season it is.

We got out in it late Saturday night and had fun doing donuts in various intersections and having a snowball fight. We entertained the thought that the donut tracks in the intersection would do a great job of screwing with the drunk people coming home from the bars. Sunday morning all of the kids were out sledding and making snowmen and I finally got out for some snowboarding. I'd gone to Gore this season but nothing local.

Scott's roommates are all meteorologists so we spent a good deal of time making fun of them for how bad their predictions were. I think Tim got the worst of it, he predicted 3 inches. But it's only because he's so easy to tease. He was a good sport though.

The (real) weatherman says it will be gone in a day or so, but it's here now.. I love snow

Your mission, should you choose to accept it..

...is to chase this feeling to the ends of the earth for all eternity.

Every so often I have a moment of clarity. That feeling where I am drunk with life. Everything is exciting, I have boundless energy, I am happy about everything, and life seems so beautiful.

I am so high on life and work and love and everything right now I could burst. I love it. Crack could never be this could.

HOW DO I KEEP IT?

For your ridiculing pleasure.

I was sitting at my desk today when I began to notice an unidentified wafting odor (UWO or "oo-woh"). These UWO's are not uncommon in my workplace for a couple of reasons. One, I sit in close proximity to the floor's pantry. And two, there is a man on my floor who likes to steam onion sprouts. Yes, onion sprouts. They smell roughly like a cross between fesces and bad onions. People from other floors can actually smell it. They call us the "stinky floor".

Today I would guess that the smell I am experiencing was created by lasagna and tomato soup, which to me smells very much like vomit. YUM. So I'm evaluating the smell and I subconciously pick up my coffee. Then all of a sudden, there's another odor mixing with the lasagna-tomato-vomit smell. Eww gross... Whats the... it smells like.... I look down at my coffee, smell it. Yep, it was the coffee. What an idiot.

Who needs crack?

There has been much discussion in recent months over whether the corn 'salsa' at Chipotle is spicy. I think it's mildly spicy which, for me, is just about right. There are those, not to be named or "those we do not speak of", who would disagree.

I mention this so when I try to explain to you that I will never need or have any desire for crack or any other mind-altering drug, perhaps you will have some standard by which to guage my level of mentality.

My life is freaking hilarious. Probably not to you, but I find the smallest most inconsequential moments ridiculously funny. I will frequently burst into laughter at highly inopportune moments and generally drag others down into my pit of raging lunacy. But all-in-all, I believe those close to me find my shenanegans humorous and enjoyable.

On the list of brilliantly humorous crack-substitutes for the time being:

• My amazing friend and partner in crime Monkey Momma.
• My roommate E-dog. (She has opposable thumbs by the way.)
• My last roommate Stepharoo who ditched me to live in NY.
• Napoleon Dynamite. Truthfully, I think the movie sucks but I laugh at it more now than just about anything else. Hell no I won't marry you, GOSH!
• The End of the World: this has been at the core of my humor for many years now. Fucking Kangaroos.

By all means, share your tomfoolery. What's in your crack?

Hair Monster

I have relatively long hair right? Yeah. So that means it's everywhere. And I mean everywhere. All over the bathroom, embedded in the threads of my towel, randomly scattered about in my bed, matted into the back of my chair at work, in the crease of the seat in my car. I could take a rake to the carpet in my room. It's that bad. You may not see it, but further investigation proves it's there. Beards are the best. It's like Velcro minus the cool Velcro sound.

Scott once did an impression of my rogue strands of hair as though they were a seal team piling out of a helicopter or something. "Okay guys, I'll cover you now go! Go! Go! Go!" He also threatened to make a hair doll out of the massive collectiveness that was once attached to my head. It's sort of a shocking amount that I lose on a daily basis.

This becomes most evident when I take a shower. I don't know at what point in my life I determined that the heinous amounts of hair I lost in the shower each day were bad for the drain. But I did. Maybe it was all the Drano I had to buy in order to unclog the shower. So instead of letting the water wash the bastards away I started to stick them to the wall in the shower. Otherwise they just stick to everything. It's like a ton of mini boa constrictors wrapping themselves around your body. Not to mention the ones that find their way into your butt. Yep, hair gets caught in your butt crack. Ask anyone with long hair. And there are worse places, but I won't mention them here.

Okay where was I? Right, the shower wall. So I've been doing this for several years now, sticking all of my loose hairs to the wall. And when I'm done I run my finger through them and scoop them neatly into the trash. I, for one, thought it was brilliant. No clogs, less hair everywhere, what's not to like? Well, there is the occasional morning where I may have forgotten to neatly scoop my hairs into the trash. And the lucky person to shower after me was, shall we say, horrified. Can't blame them. It's like other people's dirt. Nasty.

I once got into the shower to find I had left my hair on the wall, and Scott had written my name in it. Yuck. But he eventually got used to it. Poor guy.

Superbowl for Dummies

What's worse than four females who know next to nothing about football watching the Superbowl together??

Nothing.

And we weren't even drinking. Probably our first mistake.

"So I told my dad I was going to watch the game today and he was like, 'really??' I was like 'of course!'"
"What like girls can't watch football?"
"Guess not"

"What's up with that guys hair?"
"Who?"
"Pollapalooza.."
"You mean Polamalu?"
"Yeah.."

"It's so weird that they have stationary bikes on the sidelines. I would feel so dumb."

"The one great thing about football, all the guys have great butts in those pants. Even the ugly ones."

"Hey guys, they should have a female superbowl show with chick commentators. It would be awesome"
"Yeah they'd all have diet cokes and use much fewer technical terms"
"And they'd redo the color scheme 'cuz this one sucks."
"They could make the lines on the field pink instead of yellow."
"Can the players even see the yellow line?"
"Yeah, the grass magically turns yellow, it's the newest technology."
"Shut up, anything would be better than these guys. Did you hear him say 'we're really going to need the quarterback's arm for the second half'? No kidding genius."
(Like we're so articulate.)

"The Steeler's coach is way hotter than the Seahawk's coach."

"Who was that, the burger guy?" (Roethlisberger)
"I think so"

"Man this half time show sucks. Janet's wardrobe malfunction was better than this. Who wants to see an old guy in a belly shirt?"
"Who cares if it's the Rolling Stones?"
"He's definitely a heroine addict."

"Guys, what's a rushing yard?"
"I think it's where you get handed the ball and you run down the field."
"Oh."

"Wait, wasn't that guy on baywatch?" (Hasselbeck)

"You know I really think that the cheerleaders serve no purpose whatsoever."
"Well they sell calendars and stuff.."

"Man who does that ref think he is. His calls SUCK!"
"Yeah, they should let us in there, we'd do a much better job."

We also determined that the Steelers would win with four minutes left in the game. And they did. We're geniuses.

Do you know what insanity is?

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

So yesterday I stepped into an elevator with my partner in crime on our daily caffeine fix trip to the third floor. After the doors closed I realized there were two people having a conversation so I took a step backward as to not force them to talk through me. But they stopped talking and began a commentary that I was completely lost in..

"Yes that's right everyone must have a square."
"Huh?"
"It's like square dancing"
"Uhh..."
(Another person steps into the elevator)
"Excuse me sir, you should step over here, we all need our own space"
"But I was just..."

Vaquely similar to the time (in an elevator) I responded to a very simple question not even directed at me by offering a strange man some chocolate..

What is my problem?! I'm such an idiot. But at least I can laugh at myself. I do believe this habitual ridiculous behavior and the subsequent surprise at the result qualifies me as insane.

Update: The following explanation, courtesy of my partner in crime.

Ok...here's the Paul Harvey on this one...

The thing that made that lady comment was, I think, that you were standing by the doors facing into the elevator (which was, I know, so you could face me and we could make googley eyes at each other through their conversation...because it's what we do :). The result was 5 people standing around the edges of an elevator all facing toward the center...which defies all the laws of civil inattention (which imply that in an elevator, everyone must placidly stare at the numbers to watch them change...which is a silly thing, but it's what people do...you and I, of course, are not those people, given our propensity for grand elevator escapades).

Now, when the next guy got on, there were 6 of us...three women and three men...which is one couple short of a full square dance formation...and since we were all facing the center anyway, it looked, well, a lot like square dancing. Hence, I think, her comment.

Side note: Wow...how geek is it that I know all about square dancing?

So, in summation, I would say that you are not, in fact, insane (or, well, ok, at least not because of this!)...you don't have any particular problem related to elevators except that anytime you board one with me weird stuff happens. Personally? I love it! I can barely wait to see what kind of grand adventure we'll have next!

Tree pretty, fire bad.

Enough of the completely fabricated bitter nonsense movies about people dying and lovers breaking up because one cheated on the other and now the world is ending. I want to watch the realistic ones where everyone stays young and beautiful and falls in love and has a wonderful life and lives happily ever after. Or the ones where the worst thing that happens to the main character is she gets in a fight with her friends from school but in the end everyone kisses and makes up.

No, but really though. I know life ain't all gumdrops and lollypops, but on a Saturday night when I'm in my pj's with my roommate and I don't have to deal with traffic or work or stressful people, I want to watch a movie that makes me smile. Something I can enjoy and not have to critique. Not something that only serves to remind me how awful people can be. Or provoke me to ask myself questions such as "would he ever leave me because I loved him too much?"But then again, I'm always saying the good wouldn't be if it weren't for the bad. What would you compare it to? How boring. So I guess I'll just sit here and shut up and watch the movie already.

GOSH!!

Elevator Episode 2

What? Again?! Well at least this time you didn't offer anyone chocolate or anything like that.

Nope, this time I merely observed. I'm actually quite proud of myself.

*superstar!!!*

Thank you for your consideration.

Does something about me say "If you're creepy and in need of a date please come hit on me"? Alright, so you find a girl attractive. Congratulations! But after the age of, oh say 12, there are acceptable ways of expressing your interest in others. Scribbling "You're HOT" next to a little drawing of a devil and your phone number on a receipt before returning it to the table you're waiting on doesn't really ring a bell. Does that actually work for anyone not attending grammar school? In my mind its roughly the equivalent of the phone number graffiti in the truck stop bathrooms. Excuse me while I vomit. (Good thing there are toilets handy).

A gentle suggestion to the young men out there, if you like a girl, talk to her. Be up front. Or if you're waiting on her or interacting with her in some other professional setting, perhaps just admire her from afar. It may not be the most appropriate time for you to express your interest. Either way, just use your head and your manners and not so much a pen and the nearest scrap of paper.

Rules

I'm not sure when it was, but at some point I figured out that there are no rules in life. I mean, yes, there's the golden rule. And rules of etiquette and morality and what have you. But I mean there are no rules that say, you must graduate high school and go to college. And then get a job and work until you die. Or, you must get out of college, find someone nice, and get married. Then by age whatever you should have children.

Okay, so maybe this has been obvious to everyone all along. But I had to figure it out on my own. Now I won't say some of those things aren't wise plans to follow. College is generally considered a good thing. But I think a lot of people get caught up in other peoples expectations and/or their own misconceptions about the way things should be. In reality, things should be the way you want them to be. You need to fulfill your responsibilities, but beyond that there's no predefined rules. Just do what makes you happy.

Admiration

You can't ever be really free if you admire somebody too much. ~ Tove Jansson

...

Is just the right amount of admiration love? And if you are in love, and feel that your love for another person grants you freedom, is that wrong? Does that undying need and affection and happiness that burns in your chest when you are in love have anything to do with admiration? You must be your own person and happy based on your own virtues. But if loving another person makes you feel whole, where does that fall? Is admiration a realistic part of love? Or does it move beyond admiration into cooperation and participation in the existence of the one you may otherwise admire? Does admiration rule out participation? Or does there come a point where the admiration is a part of your feelings, but you also feel ownership and contribute to the person you believe so strongly in. Does admiring someone too much mean you don't really love them? Or does it only take away from yourself?