Anticipation

The day before a trip is always so exciting! I love the flurry of activity. Getting ready to go. Figuring out what to take (or sometimes more importantly, what not to take). Loading music on the ipod. Charging batteries. Check the weather. Passport, wallet, $$$, cell phone, vitamins, travel info, maps, camera, sunglasses.

I love to travel. I love the anticipation beforehand, the going away, the getting there, the being away, and even the sad, but inevitable return to reality. This time I'm going to Maine for a family reunion; my Dad's side of the family. I don't get to see them very often. And I love Maine. I haven't been there in years. I have so many 2nd cousins I've never seen. My family's been busy, my cousin's wife just had twins!

With all of the activity at Heathrow this week, it's definitely going to be interesting. My flight is early. That means I have to be at the airport STUPID EARLY, like 3:45 AM!!!! But it's okay. I'm tired today so I can probably get to bed relatively early. At least I'm still holding out hope that I'll sleep. I don't know who I'm kidding though. I don't usually sleep well before a trip, if at all. Too much going on. Excitement and a little bit of anxiety. The night before I went to the BVI's last summer I was up until like 4 in the morning. Just couldn't bear to sleep. Too much to do! If I rip just one more cd...

Like a good little traveler, I checked the TSA website and I'm not going to pack my toothpaste in my carry-on. So hopefully there won't be too many problems with security. I'm still dreading the line, but my bag makes a good pillow. And I have zero problems with lying on the floor. I'm definitely that girl.

So wish me luck... and if you're traveling as well, be safe! Have fun! Or as my Mom would say "drive fast, take chances!"

It came!

I got it! It's here! It came! It's here! I got it!! Yaayyyyy!!!!!!!

My camera came yesterday! And I took pictures! And they are awesome! And it's so pretty! And shiny!

Did I mention I'm really excited that my camera came?!

The doorbell rang, and I ran downstairs, and there it was in the cutest box ever!! I thought just the flash card was coming because that's what Amazon said. But everything came. Yessss!!! I totally heart the UPS guy.

Sadly, I don't have pictures to post yet. I was much too engrossed in taking pictures and marveling at my new toy that I didn't have time to download any. But I discovered I am remarkably good at taking pictures at the exact moment when people blink. Isn't it amazing?!

But it's here! Yayyyy!!!!!

Digital dreams

These pictures are from our trip to the Baltimore Aquarium this past Sunday. I took about 150 pictures, and these are 3 of maybe 10 that came out. (And they're not even that great.) GRRR!!!! I have a relatively old Toshiba digital point and shoot, which has served me well for many years. But I've been thinking more and more about getting into something a little more serious. The results of my shooting on Sunday finally made me take the plunge. I ordered a Canon Digital Rebel XT 350 and a Sigma 30mm f/1.4 lens with a 4GB flash card to go with it. I think they'll be here Friday. I can't wait!!

Look, a puffin!! The glass was a bit foggy, probably something I could learn to fix with Photoshop. That's also on the to-do list.

Not really a surprise

The pump was too slow, and ridiculously noisy in a sort of dirty way. I mean, you have to inflate them somehow right??

Photo credits on this one go to my girl L.

Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

When the hurt or the fear become too much to bear, when they have immobilized you, when you feel like your every hope has been beaten down, you have no choice but to let it all go. Because you can't be afraid forever. It's not helping to think about the hurt anymore. You have nothing more to gain from the worry.

So just let yourself be.

Escape the noise. Walk innocuous streets. Speak easy words. Dream nothing dreams. Don't let go forever, but just for this moment, be free of everything. Relinquish control. Set the autopilot and breathe.

And when you've let it all go, when finally the brow no longer furrows and the mind no longer races, that's when you're able to let things work themselves out. And when the memory of the hurt no longer stings, then turn yourself around a moment and look back. Look at where you were when the world seemed so suffocating and your problems towered over you. Look back at how you felt and how scared you were. And then realize that you are okay now, and the reason you are okay is because you faced your fear. You conquered your hurt. You stared into the belly of your beast and have come out the victorious warrior on the other side. Maybe it doesn't feel like you fought a war, but the worry and the fear was your battle every day. And when you let them go, you won.

~

Inspired by Audioslave - Doesn't Remind Me. Check it out here.

Aspirations

I find myself increasingly spellbound by the blogging craze and longing to be immersed in it. I mean I blog, if you can call what I do blogging. But I want to be a real blogger. The kind that gets invited to conventions to speak, and has completely fantastic photos to post, and endless hordes of enthusiastic and/or angry readers commenting endlessly at them. I mean, I read some of these women (and I only say women because so far my idol bloggers are female) and I instantly want to be their friend. They always have some snarky remark that goes amazingly well with a "motherfucker" right in the middle of it. Or at just the right moment they have something sentimental and completely original to say. And you go "damn, this woman rocks!" And oh by the way, this is how she makes her living. How great is that?!

So I am on a quest. To be blog-worthy, to be interesting, to be dynamic and deep or shallow and amusing in just the right way. I don't need to be endlessly popular, as romantic an idea as that may be. I just need to touch someone the way these women touch me, to be useful to someone other than my best friends. Or perhaps just that, to be for my best friends whatever it is they need. Who knows. What I do know is I want more out of this. Because I see potential, I see depth, I see something that means more to me than 9 to 5 or the money in my paycheck that I hated earning. This feels real to me. It makes me feel alive and expressive and empowered. I love this new part of me, and I can't wait to see it grow.

Sunset

Today on my way home, I could hardly drive straight because I sat in my seat with my hands perched on the wheel, mouth agape, just staring at the sky. It was so amazingly colorful and beautiful. Almost as though someone had taken buckets of brightly colored paint and made enormous brush strokes across the clouds. The sky seemed endless and the colors were so brilliant and vibrant.

For a moment I hated myself for not having my camera with me. I wanted so much to save what I was seeing forever. But I instantly got lost again in the fading sun...

It made me so happy. Suddenly my day faded into nothing and everything was alright. The kind of alright where you can actually feel the tension melting away.

New ideas

It's strange that I teach yoga. I never really knew much about it. I had a conversation about yoga with a friend in college once, and I remember thinking how little I knew about it. But what I didn't say was how foreign it felt and how that made me shy away from it, too timid to even try it.

When I came to D.C. I lived really far from work. So I had to get up at the crack of dawn to get into the city to keep my commute to work under 2 hours. But then I was in the city by 7 and had two hours to kill. So I got a gym membership. I could roll out of bed, drive to the metro, read my book on the train (I read more books that year..), and work out watching the sun come up. Icky. But it worked.

I discovered Body Flow sometime during that first year and I was instantly in love. Granted, Body Flow isn't pure yoga. But I knew right away that I had really been missing out. My closed little mind had cost me precious years of experience.

It's really not that dramatic. But I really don't want to miss out on things. It makes me sad to think that I avoided something because it was different. Because I didn't know much about it.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off your bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

~ Mark Twain

Someday

Sometimes I want to write to cover up what I last wrote. Or think new thoughts to let the ones I just thought fade into the shadows. I'm so uncomfortable with who I am it's almost frightening.

There are certain aspects about myself that I have defined quite clearly. I have committed myself to being healthy and staying in shape. I love sailing, rock climbing, and snowboarding. I am pro-choice, libertarian, and decidedly happy to be American.

I can choose what to wear to work, I can tell you if I'm hungry (the answer is always yes, but God help me if I can figure out what to eat). I know that I don't want to be a web developer forever. I am ready to get out of D.C. But when it comes to the gray areas in life I tend to freeze up, or take the easiest route.

I believe my lack of confidence is partly a result of never really being single. I have always had the convenience, or pehaps fallen into the trap, of letting the guy I was dating decide what our relationship would be like, and therefore the better part of my life. I'm sure I would have objected to anything completely bizarre, but for the most part, all I had to do was spend time with him.

I always knew I was a bit conservative. When my dad told me I "never let go of the apron strings" I realized I wasn't the only one that thought I needed to get out and take some risks.

While I was still in college I moved to the outer banks for two summers and worked on a parasail boat. After college I moved to D.C. I got a 'real job' and experienced life a little further from home. Next spring I'm moving out West, my biggest challenge yet.

Slowly but surely I try to take steps that take me away from my realm of experience. Push me outside of my comfort zone. Ruffle my feathers a little and see how I react. But it doesn't matter where I live, how far from home I get, or who I'm dating. What matters is how I feel about who I am on the inside. And I don't think I am where I need to be.

I have trouble even putting words to the things I feel I lack. I suppose if I could name them and describe them, I would simply seek them out and lack them no longer.

I think I want clarity. Confidence. A sense of awareness and control. I don't expect to "have it all figured out" but I want to have the ability to work through my issues as they arise and not always default to "I'm sorry, that was my fault". Because not everything is my fault. And I have trouble remembering that. I always take blame, and I always bend to fit. I've got to learn when something is not bend-worthy.

I always say to myself that someday I'll spend some time on my own figuring myself out. So cliched. So overdone. But what choice do I have? What I've been doing isn't working. So I think someday has come to find me.

Who are these people??

My latest conspiracy theory is that there is a group of people sitting in a "room" somewhere sort of directing the traffic of our lives. And the group in charge of my case is particularly snarky, or fabulously brilliant.

Hey look, J seems to be doing alright, let's throw a few bumps her way.

OR

You know, J is in a good stable position right now. Let's teach her _____. And let's send _____ to do it.

So basically they're sending people, events, and/or ideas my way and watching me react. I fully believe they have only the best intentions, but sometimes it seems like every time I think I'm getting things figured out something makes me go "well, wait a minute".

It's completely positive. I love the rush of change and the dynamics of new places, new people and different ideas. I wish for my love of change to never wane. But sometimes it feels I'm being torn apart at the seems. Right down the middle. I must remember how good these changes are for me and how much I'm growing as a result. It's just so hard when my head and my heart don't agree.

Voice

Before I set out along the blogging path I had a few things to consider. When I blog, everyone can read it. And when I post something, it's forever a matter of public record, whether I keep it posted or not.

A) Am I ready for that? Do I want my life plastered across the Internet? Chances are very few people will read me, but it's those few that matter most.

B) Do I have anything interesting to say?

C) I'm bound to get criticism. Can I handle it?

Concerning A, ready or not, I went for it. I thought it would be a great learning experience, and it has been; for me and for those I love. And furthermore, getting my life out there was precisely the point. Really I wanted those that aren't next door or upstairs anymore to be able to keep up with the goings-on in my life. And me with theirs, although they have yet to start blogging. (hint, hint)

I think I decided B didn't matter. It's for me to get my thoughts out. And if someone else gets something out of it or learns something about me, great!

And C, if I can't take a little criticism, I have no place being an adult much less a blogger. Sooo, here I am.

Now to the point. Voice. Small (or loud and obnoxious) but important. I think sometimes when I write it sounds preachy. I don't mean for it to. If I'm preaching, it's most certainly at myself for the multitude of mistakes I have made and will continue to make, and for the chest of flaws I continue to lug around with me. My intent is to be interesting and perhaps theatrical to some degree, but I may have missed the mark. (By a mile). So I wanted to say I'm aware of this rut I have found myself in and how annoying it is, and I'm trying to find a way out. I also wanted to apologize for any discomfort it may cause you in trying to stay abreast in the chronicling of my life.

Finally, if you have suggestions, I didn't major in creative writing or anything resembling it. I'm sure I could use a pointer or ten, and I'm certain my punctuation is screaming for help.

Regardless, It's all in the learning. Please bear with me, help is on the way!

Things are going well

I'm following the plan and everything is generally headed in the right direction. I still want to move out West in the spring. For now I'm busting my butt on this project trying to meet deadlines and rollout a kick-ass site. Trying to limit my days in the office to 6 so I can get out and do things. Still teaching classes so that gets me in the gym a minimum of three days a week. My knee is healing, slowly but surely. Things look good.

Today we got our monthly email from corporate with our leave balance. It's in hours. I have 203.5 sick and 127 vacation. That's over five weeks in sick leave and more than three weeks in vacation time. Not to mention I've racked up 121 hours in comp time. Not payable to me if I were to leave, so I have to use them before spring.

The vacation time will be mine in a paycheck when I check out so I'm not concerned, and I never really use sick time so that's fairly irrelevant. But I rack up comp time at a considerable rate and don't have many opportunities to use it. I'm a bit worried it's going to get sucked into the black hole where socks and $20 bills go.

The site is going to probably go strong through November before it starts to taper off, so not much hope of using any large chunks of comp time before then. And a new site usually requires some considerable TLC for the 6 months following rollout, not to mention Version 2. Holy hell.

I do need to take a couple of trips out West before the big move, but I may need to switch to negotiator mode. See if I can bargain for tacking my "comp time" at the very end of my employment here. That would be sweet. It's all about how I play my cards.

Or, knowing my super-cool-kick-butt boss, he might just say "of course you can!" He rocks.

Expectations

Set them too low and you're not giving yourself or anyone else a chance. On the other hand, setting them too high sets you up for disappointment. So there must be some happy medium. Hermit-hood is probably not the solution. It's easier than facing reality, but it doesn't get you where you most need to be.

1. We all screw up. Some of us more than others. Me more than most. So you'd think I'd be very amenable to giving people second chances. Or 25th chances, whatever the case may be. But there comes a point when I just don't have much more left to give. They may deserve another chance, but I leave it to someone else to give them that. If only I could go quietly.

2. Just because one person sucked, doesn't mean everyone will. I recoiled today at the site of a new girl in our office. She looks to be about 20 and in the space of 5 miliseconds I thought to myself "No way, not again. I am not going to risk myself for some new girl who might seem like a nice person only to turn around and stab me in the back. No thanks." But then I had to scold myself. She hasn't done anything. It's not her fault those that came before her failed to meet my expectations. See 3.

3. Just because I was foolish enough to expect a little maturity and responsibility doesn't mean I'm going to get it. I am wrong to expect things from others and be angry that they don't live up to my expectations. Arguably, you would expect things out of those you care about. But rather than anger at their failure, it would behoove you to encourage them or at the very least sympathize. Or realize you are expecting too much.

My expectations of others are too high. I give them as many chances as they need. But then comes my breaking point. And once that is reached, redemption is almost impossible. I am as unforgiving as the sea. There I sit in my anger and disappointment, and nobody is hurt but myself. The 'offender' deems me certifiable, and we've both lost. It's not 'nice' to deal out chances like cards. Nothing is gained, nothing learned. Place your bets. If you want another chance, I ask that you understand the stakes.

Saving Grace

I've been carrying around a lot of anger lately. And it hasn't really gotten any better. Then last night I had a small confrontation with aforementioned roommate wherin she asked "is there a problem?" Ha! Apparently I did not show the appropriate joy at her return to the world of the living. My best guess is the only reason she started speaking was so she could ask me to stay out of the kitchen so she could bring guy number who-knows-what over for dinner-plus. (I started numbering them a while back. There are just way too many to try to remember names. I'd probably call them by the wrong name anyway. Funny, but bad.)

Anyway, after being angry with her all night and waking up this morning just as angry, if not more so, I had to put my foot down. This simply will not do. Unacceptable. I don't like being angry. I don't want to be angry. And she is clearly not worth it. Honestly, there are very few things in this world worth getting angry about.

So this morning while I was waiting in line for my coffee (Starbucks of course), still writhing in anger, I looked over the front page of the Post. "Hezbollah Raid Opens 2nd Front for Israel". More about war. And I thought to myself "you know, I can understand the anger that might make someone want to go to war. It may not be right but I can imagine the depth of hate that could breed that type of action." And for a moment, I felt better.

And then, like a lightbulb flicking on inside the dark caverns of my thoughts, I realized this is another lesson. People like her are a blaring example of cause and effect. A warning if you will.

Mothers say to their children "do you see why you need to take responsibility for yourself?" And the wided-eyed children stare in horror..

Therapists tell us to stay away from these "negative" people. They do nothing but create conflict.

Friends finally give up when every effort they have made to reach out has been tossed aside. They care, but what more can they do? They then resolve to be better friends next time as though it was somehow their fault.

And I, I learn a valuable lesson of choice. Don't let her control you. Instead allow her to teach you.

Perhaps I exaggerate. But honestly, she is not the threat I have allowed her to be. She is an example. She is helping people by setting a negative example. And that is the most charitable thing I can say about her.

I'm afraid to imagine what she may have done in a past life to have been born into this one. And I even venture to wonder what it is her soul is striving to teach her. Like a car wreck perhaps; morbid fascination.

My anger has always plagued me, and may one day be the death of me. But perhaps this will be my saving grace. It's only been since this morning, but I feel release. Finally, sweet release from the clutches of my anger. And now I strive to remember this the next time I feel the fire burning deep within me. And perhaps one day I will look back and say a silent thank you.

Perhaps it's not explicitly applicable, but for me, this may be my choice, my path, the moment that changed my life.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

~Robert Frost

It ain't all bad

Sometimes it seems that all I write about are negative things. I'm really not that negative. At least that's what I tell myself. Writing is just my stress relief. So you may tend to see the darker, more intrusive thoughtful stuff more so than "hey, guess what happened!!"

It's sort of odd how much I read my own blog. Despite the fact that I (once again) tell myself I hate reading what I write. Heh, and I don't really like reading the negative stuff. I guess it hits me harder. Or I just notice it more. So I try to write something cheery and fun! Inevitably though, more stress hits and I have to get it out. Ah well. Just one more rationalization to add to the pile. Where would I be without them?

I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations...... Ever gone a week without a rationalization?

~ The Big Chill

Dirty Laundry

I have a roommate I haven't seen in six weeks. She's home a lot. But she never comes out of her room. Ever. Either I'm an evil b*tch and did something insanely mean to her, or there's something really wrong with her.

So here's where I struggle. I'm sure she's nice girl. But she's just not the type of person I could develop any lasting friendship with. Her interests and mine are vastly different. I mean, at this point I'm not entirely sure she would remember my name if it weren't on the check I write to her for the electric bill every month. I'm sort of a fourth or fifth class citizen in her world behind dogs and the cute boy she saw at cvs last week.

I really never had a huge problem with this. We were cordial, and mildly chit-chatty, and other than that sort of just lived our separate lives. Worked pretty well. But this whole disappearance thing is bizarre. I figured she needed a little space. Lots of stuff going on in her life. Cool. Go for it. Let us (my other roommate and I) know you're alive periodically and we're happy to give you whatever space you need.

But six weeks is bordering on ridiculous. So am I to be concerned for her? Or just sort of shrug and move on? The problem is I get angry about it. Here I am trying to respect the needs of a person who doesn't see fit to speak to me. Being quiet in our creaky shower to not wake her up at 6am. Cleaning the bathroom for like three months straight because I figured she just had a lot on her plate.

The thing I've been struggling with is why it makes me angry. I don't get it. We're not really friends. We're roommates. I want her to be happy but I don't think it's my place to make her happy (not that she would want me to, or that I could). But still I'm upset wtih her..

So then there was this.. I only heard about it second hand. But it's so typical. And now I'm angry all over again.

edog: (in the kitchen)
her: (walks in the door) Hi!
edog: hey how are you?
her: good. so people DO actually live here...
edog: Huh? What're you talking about?
her: well, i never see anyone
edog: wellll, i imagine it's difficult to see people through a closed bedroom door.
her: yeah....well last night i had a bunch of stuff to do, so that's why i was in my room.
edog: and the rest of the past six or so weeks?
her: (silence)

Maybe it's like the ground hog. Six more weeks...

Update (7-13-06) - no such luck, she spoke, and I liked her better when she didn't.

Like a kid in a candy store

I didn't get home until about 10 last night. But when I did I saw that the tent and sleeping bag I ordered from EMS had come. YESSS!!!

I lasted about 1 minute before I had to climb in my sleeping bag to try it out. Then E wanted a turn. Sooo comfy.

Want to set up the tent in the living room?!

E was all about it. I think she's got the bug.

You have to take me camping now!

It took us a few minutes to figure it out, but then we didn't want to get out.

Maybe we could sleep here tonight.
Or in the back yard!!

There was a long pause while we both seriously considered it.

We better not. It's already almost midnight..
I guess...

After the initial "sweet, a tent!!" settled a little, I had a minute to really evaluate my purchase. I think I made a pretty good choice with this gear. I did quite a bit of research and picked the brains of all the outdoor store employees. The tent's a Big Agnes, Seedhouse 3-man Superlight. Just about the right size for two plus elbow room. And weighs just over 4 pounds. Pretty damn light for a 3-man, 3-season tent. My bag, coincidentally also by Big Agnes, weighs about 2 and a half pounds. Awesome.

My other sleeping bag is huge. Super warm but I can't even stuff that thing into my hiking pack. And I have a four man Wenger tent that probably weights 12 pounds. Great for car camping but not really practical for backpacking. I'll be flying up to Maine and camping when I go to my family reunion in August. That plus the huge sale at EMS made now a perfect time to buy some lightweight gear. But really any excuse will do.

:) Happy girl.

My Very Own Mary Poppins

My roommate E left this for me a couple of mornings ago. I found it on my way out the door and it definitely put a little smile on my face. (Thanks E!)

Be not the slave of your own past - plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with self respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Emerson is another one of those poets, or writers, that I consistently like. He and Thoreau write so simply and matter-of-factly. And even out of context their words carry a positive message with all the meaning and none of the drag-you-through-the-mud philosophy. A wonderful bite-sized serving of common sense. A spoon full of sugar to get my philosophy down.

If You Have a Moment

I highly recommend you read Desiderata by Max Ehrmann. I've loved it since I was little, but each time I go back to it I identify with something new. It is simply stated and less flowery than most poems. I think that's one reason why I love it so much. No reason to garnish something that is so purely beautiful. This part has been my lingering favorite...

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

A Humble Thank You

None of us are perfect. There will always be moments when life just seems too much to bear. And it's in those moments, when your world seems to have come crashing down around you, that you look through dazed eyes to see just how much those around you care for you. There they are helping you pick up the pieces and wade through the swampy waters of your mind. Or cheering you along urging you not to give up.

I am so grateful for those of you who are always there for me and I just want to say "Thank you". To all of you who don't complain even though you definitely have cause. To all of you who jump at the chance to help me put the world in perspective. To all of you who take my frustration and turn it into an action plan. To all of you who are always there to help me reason through things that I can't quite wrap my little mind around on my own. To those of you who are willing to just hold my hand while I cry and do anything you can for me. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

There will always be those Evil people. But with any luck we'll also come across those who will, knowingly or not, challenge us to become the person we are inside. And when life just seems too much to swallow, there are your friends. The glue that holds it all together and keeps the world turning.

The 12 1/2 hours of sleep I got last night is proof that I need you guys. I owe you each one. Probably more like ten. I'm not better but definitely on my way. You guys rock!!

Winkin', Blinkin', and Nod

I have been having extremely vivid dreams lately. The kind where I wake up and as I go through my day I feel confused that the things I dreamed aren't real. They feel completely real.

I dreamed I bought three houses with a friend, and that I was renting the houses out to tenants. It was strange to wake up wondering if they'd paid rent this month only to realize it hadn't happened at all. I dreamed that friends had emailed me, but then when I went to reply to their messages there were no emails. It's disorienting.

It's surprisingly not an pleasant feeling, more just strange because I so rarely remember my dreams beyond a fleeting feeling when I first wake up. But to think they are real on into the day is unusual.

Maybe it's my mind waking up and stretching out it's imagination. Maybe I need more B complex vitamins. Heh. I would say something like that.

I guess for now I'll just enjoy it.

The Beauty of Chaos

You think you've got it all figured out. You know what your goals are, you've planned your next step, and you're just waiting for the right moment to make the move. Then one day a butterfly in Japan flutters it's wings, and the next thing you know your life changes so dramatically you hardly recognize it.

Suddenly up is down, trivial becomes critically important, and so much of what you thought defined you gets tossed aside.

The winds of change have opened my eyes to a whole world of possibility. So rarely does it come in one gust. More often just in gentle breazes that slowly nudge you in one direction or another.

My heart aches with longing where yesterday it sat in contented familiarity. My sound sleep has become moonlit hours of "what if?" My carefully planned future has so suddenly lost all importance.

Could it work? Maybe. But more likely it will become an exercise in awareness. The world is so big. And you, little one, are faced with endless possibility. Don't limit yourself to only what you've seen. Don't close off the wonder of your imagination. Let your mind be open to the winds of change. Listen to them, be moved by them, grow with them.

I smiled today like I have not smiled in a very long time. So infectious was my smile that those around me smiled too and I was stunned by my pure happiness.

I can see light under a door I never knew was there. And it may not be a door meant for me. But now I know there's more, so much more than I ever let myself see.

Holy Lightening Batman!

I saw this episode of Batman once where he and Robin were hanging from a helicopter over the ocean and a shark jumped up and bit onto the rope. Batman said "here, use the shark repellant." I definitely could have used a little lightening repellant last night. The storm we had was crazy! It was like the lightening in 'War of the Worlds'. Okay, maybe not that bad. But intense.

It started as heat lightening, but then rapidly progressed. Before the rain came there was a cool breeze. That's when you know the storm's coming your way, low pressure. When the storm really got going there was a bolt every few seconds. The kind that burns into your retina so you can still see it after it's gone. The lightening started to hit pretty close, sometimes coming simultaneously with the thunder.

It was neat. But I also would have loved to sleep last night. It was so loud I was jolted awake every time a big bolt flashed or the thunder crackled. It sounded like a giant ripping through a forest uprooting trees and tearing them to pieces. I usually really enjoy thunderstorms, but an intense storm at night can be unsettling. We were definitely in the heart of the storm for a while because the hair on my arms would prickle every few seconds. Creapy.

Each time I thought the storm was moving away another huge bolt would strike with thunder right on its heals. I half expected to see those weird alien tripod things come walking by. Definitely surreal. Where's Tom Cruise when you need him??

My patella does what??

I finally went to the doctor for my knee. I've been off of it for more than a month now and the swelling has mostly dissapated. But it still hurts to squat or lunge, so there's definitely still some tissue inflamation. I was nervous when I went in but it turned out okay. I'm such a skeptic!!

"Take this anti-inflammatory, go to physical therapy, and see me in six weeks."

I was definitely grateful for her advice, but I probably won't take the drugs. She practically begged me to take them as though she expected me not to. "Athletes don't like to take drugs," she said. "That's because they are very in tune with their bodies and scrutinize everything they put in them," I thought. But I didn't argue with her.

I did a bunch of research. Turns out I'm already taking all of the anti-inflammatory drug alternatives as part of the vitamin program my mom put me on. My mom rocks!

And I may be a purist but I'm all about the physical therapy. I'll do exactly what they tell me as long as it's not "pump your body full of chemicals". I'll do exercises and ice ten times a day. But mostly I want to learn what's wrong with me and how to fix it, or at least manage it.

I've been once so far and I'm very encouraged. He identified what he thought was wrong with my knee and helped me with some stretches and exercises, and immediately following the session I could do a full squat with no pain.

"You're young. You should heal very well."

It's definitely far from healed, but I think we're on the right track. And he's awesome! He totally supports my choice to not take the drugs. He explains everything to me and I learned a lot just in the hour that I was there. "I love it when you talk joint alignment to me..."

Exactly Once

The number of times you'll let go of the halyard on a sailboat. Because then someone has to climb up the mast to retrieve it. Probably you. Following that shaky trip you'll be damn sure never to let go of it again.

The halyard is the handy little item that attaches to the top of the main sail and pulls it up to the top of the mast. Relatively critical in the whole scheme of things. Without it, sailing is really tough.

It's certainly not uncommon, and I suppose most people who've spent much time on a sailboat have gone up the mast at some point for some reason or other. But don't be envious. It is not a rite of passage. More like the mark of a careless sailor, if I can be called that. At least I got to do it at the dock on a calm day. And I had two belayers just in case. Who knew the rigging makes for such good top roping?

It was kind of neat, in the "wow, I hope I never have to do that again" sort of way. We made a harness, which was surprisingly comfortable. And then fashioned something similar to a prusik loop for each of my feet and one for my harness. They're friction knots. So we tied them around the mast and as I "walked up" I would scoot them each up. The one connected to my harness was a just a fail safe. But the feet loops were the working knots. I would put my weight in one, slide the other up, and transfer my weight to the other. Surprisingly effective. And if it weren't for the spreaders, I wouldn't have had to retie the whole setup. I was able to sit on the spreaders while I re-tied, though, which made all the difference.

Despite my little mishap it was a wonderful day. 10-20 knots of wind all afternoon long. We had the boat healed over almost the entire time. I love seeing S2H with that goofy smile on his face. I did forget sunscreen though. Man, it seems like it happens at least once every year. I was about to put some on and the wind picked up.. ooh shiny!!


I knew as soon as we eased the boat in the slip that I was burned. Ow.

So notes for next time.

1. Don't forget the sunscreen.
2. Whatever you do, don't let go of the halyard.

Nobody likes saying goodbye

This one's for you girl. I'm sorry it's too late.

I didn't really know you. But you seemed like a good egg. So we became friends. I think. I took a long trip to be there for you at a really cool time in your life. Tragedy struck. And I'll be damned if I didn't do everything I could think of to help you. And I came away from the whole experience with a few new friends and some awesome stories.

There were always oddities. But that's true of any friendship right? But then I started to notice things change. And things weren't the same anymore. And I was constantly reminded of that. But I tried to stick it out.

I tried to just go with the flow. Didn't work. I tried to suggest things. Nope, try again. I tried to just be your friend no matter what. Okay that didn't work either. I tried to flat out tell you what the hell was going on and offer anything I could do to help. Shot down HARD. So I stopped. I really just got tired of picking myself up. Every. Damn. Time. And when you try everything you can think of, and it still doesn't work, you try be happy knowing you did what you could. And you lay it to rest.

So that's what I did. I laid it to rest. And I'm pleased to see you have too. But I wanted you to know that I tried. And I don't really know what happened. The only thing that sticks with me is I wasn't good enough anymore.

So for whatever it is that I did to let you down, I wanted to say I'm sorry. And I wanted to say that I cared so damn much about you. I just couldn't fix it. I wish you the best in all you do.

It was fun while it lasted. Really fun.

Confession

In the face of temptation I offer a view into my heart, bare and honest.

My temptation is change. I desire a new place. I desire a new job. I desire something different. But my desirous soul does not get what it wants without sacrifice. My sacrifice is the donning of a label. I am jaded.

I worked on the Outer Banks as a parasail boat mate for two summers. My uniform was a bathing suit, my office a boat on the water, and my responsibility to talk to tourists and play with a parachute all day. By the second summer I was bored out of my mind. I appreciated the fact that I was on the water, but just couldn't bring myself to feel content.

I imagine myself sitting in a room, bored like a rebellious teenager forced to spend time with her parents, challenging the world. "Entertain me, I dare you to try". Immaturity is threatening to overtake me.

Now I work as a web developer. I have an amazing job. A variety of opportunities for experience and a fantastic boss. Guess what. I'm bored. Discontent. Frustrated. Once again, I can appreciate the position I'm in. A good paying job, challenging work, a great environment, and the promise of advancement. Who could ask for more? The girl that watches me in the mirror every morning. She just stares, silenty demanding more. How can she be so wearied by such luxury?

Is it instant gratification I'm after? To be good at something without trying? To be successful without the hard work? Sometimes I accuse myself. I scold myself for my fatique. My indifference. My lack of appreciation.

But I work. I wake each morning with new resolve and motivation. I fight a constant uphill battle to be successful. Productive. Happy. Who am I to expect perfect happiness and contentment? It must be earned.

This is my confession. And my resolution to begin again. To work harder. And to earn, not demand, the freedom my heart desires.

You know what they say..

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. So I guess when my coworker comes in dressed like me at least once a week, I should feel complimented. I think she secretly just wants to be me. Can you blame her?? She puts up this thinly veiled front like "I wore this because I thought you didn't have anything like it!!" Sure.. uh-huh. Just like last Wednesday? And the Friday before that??

Or perhaps I secretly want to be her.. Where did I put that brown striped shirt again?

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New and Different

I've been working all weekend. So to get out and offset spending a holiday weekend in the office, we took a trip out to Shenandoah National Park. I'd never been there before. It is so beautiful. Breathtaking views in all directions, and tons of deer.

I must have seen a hundred deer. They just stand by the road and watch you drive by. No fear what so ever. Not good, but it is what it is I guess. You can tell the city drivers. They drive 5 mph and stop dead in the road every time they see one. I can just imagine it "Look honey, a deer. Hey kids! Look!" Probably the same people that feed them and make them so tame. It's not the deer you have to watch, it's the damn city drivers stopped in the middle of the road watching the deer. Sigh..

The plan was to go night hiking so I didn't take my camera with me. Not really the best decision I've made this week. But I'll definitely be back, so I can take pictures next time.

This picture is from the Shenandoah Park Website. And actually it was pretty humid out yesterday so the visibility was about the same. I'll replace the pic as soon as I go back and take a few of my own.

So I'm sort of a scaredy cat. I was a little apprehensive about hiking through the woods at night. I mean, bears, coyotes, you never know what's going to be out there. But our night was absolutely uneventful in the danger category, and highly therapeutic.

It was just a short hike to test out the knee and get rid of my cabin fever. Probably 2.5 miles round trip. But it was awesome. We hiked down a trail that followed a stream. We listened to the water the whole way. The reason we chose that trail was the waterfall at the end. The path didn't really get close enough to see the falls. But we heard them. The hike back up was good exercise for my knee as well. Today my knee is really pretty normal. There's hope yet.

The very last part of our hike was down a small portion of the Appalachian Trail. We passed another hiker who remarked "that's not something you see every day" about meeting us on a trail at night. He was right. And it was sort of inspiring and comforting all at once. It's nice to know there are others that share your interests and posses that calm energetic quality that I think we all associate with the "outdoor" population. There's a certain romance to a lifestyle that embraces the outdoors.

Just before we got to the car we stopped to stargaze. It was a wonderfully clear night with not much moonlight providing perfect visibility. There were, of course, millions of stars, a few satellites, and then finally, the coveted shooting star. "okay, we can go now.."

It was probably 11pm when we started to head back. And to round out our adventure and accompany our 30 mile drive back out of the park, we picked up an interesting radio station. From the top of the mountain you pick up a huge variety of stations, many competing for the same frequencies. But the one we landed on was Dr. Drew (from MTV's Loveline) and Adam Corolla (from the original Man Show). People call in asking questions and making comments. It's the weirdest of the weird, but highly entertaining. Last night was unofficially "I'm attracted to transvestites" night. I mean, after an awesome hike, a beautiful night, and some stargazing, you sort of just say "well, I suppose.."

When (if) I grow up

Ever reason with yourself? I mean, not out loud. (I would never do that.) But like, try convince yourself that something is okay?

I am a Web Developer. I got my degree in Applications Software Development. But I don't really like what I do. I mean, it's alright. But I don't love my job. I like the people I work with, and a lot of the things I do, but I don't like just sitting around coding all day.

Duh, what did you think you were going to be doing when you went to school for programming??

Yeah, I know. But I just wanted to get through school, and I was already on my second major. I didn't know what else to do, and it was easy, so I stuck it out. I mean, I'm not hopeless here. I have a bachelors degree and they pay me to do what I learned in school. I'm good at my job. I'm just not in love with it.

I always have this guilt about wanting to change careers. I haven't been out of school that long. And I'm using my degree. But I want to do something different. In fairness, I never went through school intending to be a developer. I had more of a management career in mind. And I'm doing exactly what I had planned to do, get some experience under my belt and then move on. But now I'm also interested in pursuing my personal training and getting into nutrition.

So this morning, I reasoned to myself that I like some web development. And just because I don't want to be a code monkey forever doesn't mean I'm "betraying" my education. I'm growing. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Growing. I could use my education to make web pages. Or get into some web design. I'm just giving myself choices. Right?

I'm not sure if it's working yet. But I do feel a little bit better every time I reason with myself. I'm glad we had this talk...

Tragedy at sea

Volvo Ocean Race Update

Since last Thursday ABN AMRO TWO has lost a crew member to the sea, Movistar has abandoned ship, ABN AMRO TWO turned back to pick up the Movistar crew, and yet the race continues. Nobody ever said it would be easy. But you're never quite prepared for what can happen.

Photo from www.volvooceanrace.com

You might be a redneck

S2H and his brother are both alumni of the Wanakena Ranger School in Upstate New York. A bunch of people from his brothers class still get together a couple times a year for campouts and parties. The first time I met them was at their annual cabin party. When we pulled in they were having axe throwing competitions and chainsaw relays. Yeah. You'd have to see it to believe it.

A couple of weeks ago S2H and I met up with them in the Adirondacks for a camping and rafting trip down the Hudson. Sadly, there was no axe throwing this time. So you're thinking.. the Hudson? Same river that's like a quarter mile wide, runs through NYC and is disgustingly dirty? Yeah, but way up in the Adirondacks before it gets big, polluted and flat.

Saturday night we camped in the middle of Adirondack Park. It was gorgeous. We lounged in front of the huge fire the boys built. It was so hot we all had to sit ten feet from it to keep our skin from melting off. Then they went and got a lot more wood. Boys.


When I woke up I realized we had pitched our tent about 25 yards from a beaver damn. Now tell me that's not awesome. I hiked around the pond, and took a few snapshots of the damn and beaver den before we headed off to the river.

I'd never been rafting before. And I'm not gonna lie, it was cold. We lucked out with a gorgeous sunny 65 degree day, but the water temp was still only about 40. Our saving grace was the full wet suit and booties we each rented from the rafting company. It took about five hours to paddle the river. We had a blast. Our guide Mark rocked. He has been rafting the Hudson for 16 years.

Seriously though, if you ever get the chance to go, it's awesome. Of course, Spring is the best time to go because the water is up. But if you want to bust into the sport easy, check it out in the summer!

Adirondack River Outfitters

The (Star)buck stops here

There are some things I just won't do. And on the top of that list? I will not drink green tea lattes. Even though they're probably good for me. Not even for Starbucks.

The one I got yesterday actually made me want to vomit. Who on Earth actually likes these things??

They taste like grass. And I totally like grass. You should have seen it when I went to dump it out. It was like green sludge on the bottom. Yuck. They've gone too far this time.

Announcement

I would just like to say that it's Wednesday and I'm sore. But I am not surprised. I think this means I'm growing as a person.

Some might question my sexuality

But I don't think that's entirely fair. If I lived with a male, perhaps.. but since ER and I have no readily available male.

Oh now stop it.. I'm not going to talk about that.

I'm talking about grilling!! ER bought a grill! And we have been grilling like fiends! We are awesome. We have had at least one barbeque every week for the last month. Birthday parties, friends from out of town parties, just because we're addicted to our grill parties.. you name it.

Sooo yummy. Besides, how else were we going to use the five pounds of garlic ER bought??

Bum leg blues

I hurt my knee again. It's bad this time. I'm giving up all of my classes. Two of them just for the next couple of months. But the rest of them permanently. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. It's like watching all of my hard work in building up these classes this past year just slipping away. You never realize how much you love something until you have to give it up.

What am I going to do with myself? I can't rock climb. No mountain biking. I mean we're down to the basics here. Walk carefully, don't do something stupid like climb a flight of stairs. I hurt my knee again a few nights ago in my sleep, just moving wrong. And I hurt it the other day just trying to put my knee brace on. That's about the time I broke down into tears. I'm so frustrated and angry. Self pity sucks, but I can't help it.

For a while my knee really seemed to be improving. I felt 100%. But all the nutrition in the world isn't going to help when I push too hard and tear tendons right? I need to learn to take it easy. I guess my body is screaming that loud and clear now. I had an x-ray. Waiting on the results of that. Hopefully this week I'll get in to see some type of knee specialist. I just can't wait any longer.

I did get these springy shoes though. They're z-coils. They feel awesome. Like walking on a cloud. Granted, they're a little strange looking. But people just sort of expect things like that out of me so I bet they don't even look twice. "There she goes again, more voodoo".

Longing for the sea

Sailing is one of those things that makes my heart ache. I want so much to be out on the water, setting the sails, plotting a course, visiting far away places.

The Brunel Crew getting ready for NY

This past weekend we went to the Baltimore Inner Harbor to see the Volvo Ocean Race Open 70s and Extreme 40s while there in port. They've just completed the fifth leg of the race and will leave this Sunday for NY. It gives me chills to see the seven boats remaining in the race all lined up at the dock. Each of them bares the names of the sponsors and carries with it the hopes and dreams of so many different people. The boats are undergoing as much maintenance as they can handle while they're in port. The crews are enjoying some much needed food and rest. And race fans from all over the country have flocked to the Harbor to see the boats and experience the race.

Movistar came away with the In port Race title.

Saturday we got to the Harbor while the 70s were out competing in the In-Port race. Nothing to see, the boats were out in the Chesapeake. But the Extreme 40s were playing around in the harbor. It's thrilling to see forty foot catamarans flying a hull in the tiny little Inner Harbor. There couldn't have been more than 10 knots of wind, but no trouble for the sleak cats. They popped their hulls out of the water with ease. Sunday we returned just in time to watch the last tour of the 70s leave without us. Bad timing. We stood on the dock watching the tour guide walk the last group past the boats. I just knew he was telling them something intensely fascinating. I wanted so much to be on that dock inspecting every piece of hardware, every line, every inch of those boats. Not that they would let us on board, but it would have been awesome just to get close.

Finally last night we took one last trip to Baltimore and barely made the last tour. PHEW! Sooo worth the wait. We had a fantastic tour guide. She was an adorable librarian, clearly a sailing enthusiast, and very knowledgable about the race, the boats, and the crews. And Oh My God are those boats amazing.

Movistar - still going strong

There are lots of different sailboat races. The Volvo takes place every four years and is one of the more publicized races. Crews of ten (down from twelve four years ago) race around the world stopping along the way to compete in In-Port races, make repairs on their boats, do some PR and rest. There are more extreme races like Around Alone, now called 5-Oceans, where a single sailor races around the world stopping at various ports. And crazier yet, the Vendee Globe solo non-stop no assistance circumnavigation, the Everest of Sailing Races. The World Sailing Games are starting in 9 days and the Fleet and Match races of the America's Cup Season has been ongoing since 2004. They will end with the climactic Louis Vuitton and America's Cup Matches in 2007. It's a huge World of excitement, but sadly not that well known in the US.

A member of team Erricson

Weekends like this one make my dreams of adventures burn strong and inspire me to work toward a life on the water. I feverishly search for ways to spend more time on a boat. Could I quit my job? What if I moved to Annapolis? Would I be able to crew on someone's boat for the weekly races? What if I take lessons? Could I buy a boat? It's contagious too. Even Steph, who hasn't ever sailed, caught the bug. She was swept up in our excitement and now is eager to try sailing too.

Good weekend.

Ow.

Dude, I am so sore. It's sort of awesome to feel sore. As long as I'm not too sore to move. I like it because it's proof that I didn't just imagine going to the gym yesterday, it makes me feel less like a slacker, and it means I kicked my class' butt last night! Yess!! Besides, it's fun to say "woah, I totally kicked my own ass!"

Today, it's my upper back and chest. I did most of a chest workout before class so I fully expected my chest to be sore. It's awesome. The perfect soreness where I take a deep breath and feel my serratus tightening around my rib cage just the right amount and my pecs burn when I try to hold my arm out. But my upper back was a little unexpected. Sweet. I'm totally getting better at this teaching thing.

But my consistent surprise at my soreness sort of makes me wonder. I had the following conversation with MM this morning. I'm not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer.

GOSH! I'm totally sore!
Well, you had class last night.
Yeah but I must have worked them really hard.
Dude, you're sore every Wednesday.
Really??
Yeah.
Like, just lately? Or forever?
Well, like months.
That's forever. GOSH! I'm totally clueless!

I wonder if I look at everything with such skewed perception??

Not so fast

Morning ritual: Shower, blah, blah, blah. Drive to work. Stop at Coffee Shop for crack :). Narrowly escape brawl with guards. Sit down at desk and read the latest breaking news. And settle in for a day of work.

This morning things got a little screwy. The part where I read latest breaking news? Turns out it's homework. haha!! Somebody has to do homework! Oh wait.. RE.. that's me. Doh!

So the homework is that I have to tell the world six things they don't know about me. And then 'tag' six more people to do the same.

I'm not much into these things. But you know, MM's cool and stuff. And I really didn't have an idea for a blog today anyway. The really lame thing though?? I don't know anyone who blogs on here except MM. Oh wait!!! I can totally pull the "why haven't you been blogging?! You read my blog all the time and always say how you want to start blogging. Now's your chance!" card. Woah, that's a big card.

So ER. Ha! That's RE backward. Woah. Anyway, you're tagged.

Big Apple Girl.. you're tagged. Are you coming down this weekend btw?

You girls are way overdue on the blogging. So get 'er done! You can totally say "I made you do it".

Okay, yeah, I'll have to think on the other four. The assignment said six! I'm so lame, GOSH! Heh.. dude, can I borrow some friends?

So at long last... six things you really could do without knowing about me.

1. I snore. Not the cute little girl kind of snore. I mean, I SNORE. Probably lots of girls snore. It's just not the sort of thing we're supposed to admit to until you've said "in sickness and in health" and all that nonsense. But I was never really the type to follow the rules. My roommate ER refuses to let me crash on her futon EVER AGAIN. Some psycho babble about not being able to sleep. Personally, I just try not to let the little things bother me. :P

2. I'm a total wuss. I'm terrified of heights. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I mean, I try to act all tough and stuff but I'm a total weenie. It's been a long hard struggle pushing myself to rock climb and mountain bike. Seriously the first time I tried rock climbing. INDOORS. I could only go about 10ft off the ground. I'm getting better but still a sissy-girl at heart.

3. When I was in fourth grade I wrote a story in school about a dragon. My teacher and my parents thought it was this fantastic elaborate story. But I could have sworn the idea came from a cartoon or something I had seen. I'm not entirely sure. I remember feeling like I had cheated. But maybe not?? I didn't mean to cheat. People get ideas from all kinds of places. But I don't think I blatantly copied someone else's idea. Regardless, I still feel guilty about it.

4. I secretly don't think I'm very good at my job. But maybe everyone feels that way?? I work really hard and try to get a lot done. But I always have the feeling "someone will find out" that I'm really not what they think. My Dad said a lot of people feel that way. They're honest people, they just don't think they're good enough.

5. My room is very, very messy. And I would like to say it's a temporary state resulting from the extreme clogginess (see I can make up words) of my schedule. But really, it's rather consistently messy. I do clean it sometimes. Uh huh! There was that time.. back in November!! But it never stays that way for very long. I blame the fact that I have too much stuff. So this weekend my goal is to start getting rid of some stuff. I envy MM's house. She's so neat! And way uncluttered.

6. My clothes face left in the closet. I never wore braces. Never participated in a spelling bee. Did okay in shop class. (I had chicken pox before that.) Don't really have phone number issues. I don't like diet anything. And sunshine's cool, but I like the rain just as much.

Update: This was a total lie. My clothes face right.

Okay then! Now that you know some very random, and disappointingly negative, things about me. You can go on with your day. ER, BA Girl, I totally expect a blog by the end of the day!

I had no idea

I always joke about how I need to join a support group for Starbucks addicts. But after my previous blog I thought I'd see if there were any out there. There totally are. But there are also tons of other sites related to Starbucks. Who knew?

Addicted and Proud
Support your local coffee shop
What's in your coffee?
Starbucks vs. The Addict
Starbucks Gossip
IT Geeks who want to work for Starbucks

I'm fickle that way

I love Starbucks. In fact, I have on more than one occasion professed my undying love for their charred cups of delicious nectar in this very blog. But despite our involvement, I frequently cheat on them with the first available alternative. It’s not that I have anything against Starbucks. No, that’s not true. I have a lot against Starbucks. They're a seemingly enormous empire that sold themselves out for money and fame. Honestly though, I would have done the same. They have a hugely profitable enterprise. And they seem to be a good company to work for. Besides, it still feels like a small coffee shop even though they're a multimillion dollar business.

I go to Starbucks because they’re fast, friendly, consistent, and they don't tell me I need to make a purchase of $5 in order to use my debit card. It's amazing the things that influence consumer behavior. And also, it's on the way to work. I mean they're on every damn corner. But, as I discovered yesterday, so is Murky Coffee. On the way to work I mean.

Drawn by their clever name, and my desire to be wooed away from the evil clutches of Starbucks, I stopped in. I wasn't sure if they were open because it seemed deserted. But the tiny little sign said they opened at 7 and I peered in and spotted the laptop guy in the corner and the runner girl on the couch. I ordered a latte. Paid $4.25 (ouch). And waited.

And waited. And waited.

Dude was busy back there. And clearly an experienced Barista. But wow that latte took a while. But when I tasted it? Way worth the wait. And I totally dig cheating on Starbucks. It's almost like volunteer work. I feel I'm giving back to my community. Well, not quite. But you know what I'm sayin'. No need to line Starbuck's pockets. I'm trying to support the little guy here.

So Murky Coffee is where I shall stop for my morning crack until it becomes a pain or I find some other excuse to revisit Starbucks. I'm sure I will relapse. It's inevitable. But there's always rehab right? There must be support groups for this.

Hi, my name is uh.. Jane, and I'm addicted to Starbucks. *sob!*

The romance of travel

I love to go places. It doesn't matter where I'm going, but something about the getting there part is so intoxicating to me. It could be a long car ride, a plane ride, a bus, a boat, a train. It doesn't matter.

Last night I had a two hour layover in the Detroit Airport. It was just like every other layover in every other airport I've ever been in. I was wearing my favorite jeans and I sat curled up in the last seat in a row of vinyl chairs, the ones with arm rests in between so you can lay across them. I had my Starbucks coffee in hand (You can't imagine my excitement when I found a Starbucks on my way to the gate.), my bag sitting next to me, and my hair all tied up in a knot. The only thing missing was the attractive boy sitting next to me. If he had been there I would have leaned my head on his shoulder to complete the moment. Hopefully he'll go along next time. But I just sat there watching people and thinking about the richness of the experience.

It's like John Mayer's song 'Wheel'. So much sadness, so much joy, so much anticipation and excitement. And all in one place.

Airports see it all the time
Where someone's last goodbye
Blends in with someone's sigh
Cause someone's coming home
In hand a single rose
And that's the way this wheel Keeps working out
And I won't be the last to love her

Maybe that song has defined my emotions about travelling. But more likely, it so eloquently describes what I've always felt. I always find myself contemplating things more deeply when I travel. Perhaps it's the catalyst of the changes I feel when I'm taken away from familiarity. I consider my life as it is. The things I used to imagine for myself and how they have or have not come to be. And the future that lays before me. I consider friends, relationships, family, and all of the people around me. It's one of the only times I feel absolutely connected to reality and aware of the world and happy to be a small part of it.

I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give return to me

Our first Friendiversary!

It was actually yesterday. I know this because I remember a distinctive smell emanating from one of the first people we met on our adventure a year ago.

"So, um... Celebrating?? he.. your eyes aren't red at all!"

Hey, where'd my food go?!

We're totally still bff.

Catch 22

Alright, so I want to be a nice person. But I don't want to be walked upon. But what happens when I have to choose? I mean, I can try to be nice while in fact telling someone not to walk all over me. But am I really being nice? And would it be nice if I let them walk all over me and just fumed about it??

People do dumb stuff. And sometimes when you say "hey, that was dumb" they get upset. So either, you let them do dumb stuff that affects you, or you say "stop it" and risk them getting upset.

I find that I have to decide whether or not the person is important to me. And then decide if I can prevent their stupidity from affecting me without actually having to confront them. Cuz, well, I'm not your mother. Grow the F up and stop being dumb. It's not my job to coddle you. But if they're someone I care about, then it becomes important to confront them, yet be as kind as possible, so that our friendship can outlast the current conflict.

But is it fair to stop caring about someone in order to avoid having to be nice to them? Weird question, I know, but I wonder this. Because I have de-friended people because it just seems stupid to sit there and boost their ego when they're the ones that F-ed up and really they just need to grow up and I never really cared that much in the first place. What if that were me? Honestly? I'd rather someone not have to cradle my ego and walk on egg shells around me because I was a little pipsqueek and couldn't handle a little criticism.

I have also de-friended people because I was forced to 'play nice' rather than listen to them whine about how I criticized them as I would a person I truly cared for and wanted to resolve conflict with.

Basically? I'd rather not be friends with you if I can't tell you something that bothered me without you having a tantrum that requires me to kiss your ass. Right? Problem. Discussion. Solution. Done.

Beware your judgemental thoughts

I was at work the other day, and a coworker asked me about Yoga as way to address some pain issues she has. I have sort of inadvertently developed a reputation as the go-to girl about exercise and health questions. But this particular person is not someone I would have ever expected to ask a question like that. She seems very healthy. Just not someone who would need or want advice from me. It took me completely by surprise. Pleasantly though. And I had to scold myself for my judgmental thoughts.

It seems it's the quiet ones you wonder about. The verbal or otherwise expressive people who share their thoughts and feelings with you are usually known entities. You pretty much know when they're pleased or not, and you can react accordingly. But the ones who keep to themselves, or seem to be displeased, those are the ones you have to work to understand. But it gets even more complex with some people. Expressive or not, you just never know.

I teach a few classes at my gym. Mostly BodyPump, but also Sculpt, and I'll soon be adding BodyFlow to my repertoire. So when you're at the front of the room with anywhere from ten to sixty pairs of eyes on you, you get a variety of reactions. There are the people who set up front and center where the action is. They usually laugh at my jokes and chat with me before or after class about this or that. There are the ones that hide in the back and try not to be seen. There are the ones who just sort of hang out in the middle and react some of the time, and everything in between. So I often wonder whether people get what I say, enjoy the class, wish I were dead, whatever. You just want to know.

But I have to remind myself that just because someone doesn't speak, doesn't mean they don't love my class. Or just because they're in the front row doesn't mean they're happy with me either. So I try to treat everyone as though they're just as happy to be there as I am whether they show it or not. And more often than not, I get very positive feedback for treating people this way.

I always try to encourage the new people taking that leap into something new, and I try to touch base with my hard core regulars. But it's a little more difficult to interact with the middle group. I want to help them along without "calling them out". I want to show them I'm excited to have them in class without putting them out of their comfort zone and even worse, make them shy away from coming to class. I do my best. Sometimes I suck at it. But sometimes I get a huge heartwarming smile or a very thoughtful comment that I would never have expected. And it's so rewarding and makes it all worthwhile. It makes me wonder why anyone would want to do anything other than teach group exercise. It's wonderful.

I mean, who knows, my class might be the high point in someone's day. It might be what keeps them going. Exercising might be something they hate doing, but my class makes it bearable. You just never know. So I remind myself to put my smile on my face, give my class everything I have, and beware my judgmental thoughts.

Easily amused

I usually drink a protein shake for breakfast every morning. I start sippin' away when I get to work around 7:30 and it generally takes until noon to finish. I put the same thing in it every time. Fruit, protein powder, flax seed oil, coconut oil, flax seeds, water, a little oj for flavor, and some nutritional yeast. Mostly it's just a fat free, protein rich breakfast, and I get some good oils and vitamins in the process.

Sometimes if I'm feeling exceptionally lazy, I'll just put the yeast in a cup of juice and call it breakfast. Yeast is awesome stuff. It's not the bread-baking stuff, it's more like brewer's yeast. It's nutty-tasting flaky stuff that has a bunch-o-vitamins and minerals. It does all kinds of things like keep me from having bad dreams, regulates my blood sugar, and gives my body a ton of amino acids.

So this morning I was feeling exceptionally lazy. I grabbed my juice, dumped in my yeast, and hi-ho-hi-ho, it's off to work I went. I had some form of granola around 8 that sustained me long enough to get some work done. And about 11 I decided to drink my juice.

Gulp, gulp..

About half way through I started to feel a little itchy. And then sort of warm.

Am I allergic to juice now too?!

Gulp, gulp..

Then my face starts to feel hot. I don't want to be allergic to juice! I like juice!

Gulp, gulp..done.

Okay, now the hair on my head is standing up. Is this what hives feel like?

Well, I guess it's a little late now..

Wait! I know what it is! I'm having a niacin flush!! Sweet! Well, sort of not. But cool! I haven't had a niacin flush in years!

Niacin, a.k.a. Vitamin B3, is one of the plethora of vitamins in my yummy nutritional yeast cocktail. It naturally dilates your capilaries allowing the cells in your body to dump toxins in the blood to be filtered out by the liver. But it also generates this nice warm flush and a bit of itchiness caused by the histamine hormone. Neat right?

You know you really need niacin when you get a flush, because you develop a sort of tolerance to the amount of the vitamin your body is accustomed to having. So I'm super excited! Even though it means I haven't been taking my niacin. Bad!! But yay! I love to see my 'voodoo' working for me.

No really, I'm not hungry.

Ever read those Chicken Soup for the Soul books? They've got these cute little stories in them about the little boy who wants the puppy with the bum leg because the little boy has a bum leg too. Or the guy putting the starfish back in the sea so they don't drown when the tide goes out.

Yeah, so I was sitting on the couch after Easter dinner and there's one of those pocket-sized Chicken Soup books on the coffee table. So I pick it up. Mistake number one. I read a few stories (they're really short), and I rememeber why I never read them. The damn stories make me want to cry. Every one. My eyes tear up. So you think I could just put the book down. Nope.

Stop reading!!! Stop it!

Still reading. My throat gets all tight again and I scold myself for still reading.

Why are you still reading?

Yes, I know it's a nice story but it's making you cry!! What's new? Everything makes me cry. I am an emotional wreck. Ha! Girl = Emotional Wreck.

Know what finally made me stop reading? I read them all. Damn! Anybody have a tissue?

I guess I need to stick with Buffy. Tree pretty, fire bad. Keep it simple. GOSH! Who writes these stories anyway?

Buy him... bids starting at $10

If this ain't the craziest thing I've ever seen, I don't know what is.

Jeepers Creepers(v2)

I work in a cubicle farm. Sad but true. It's an odd arrangement. The illusion of privacy, with actually no privacy at all. Kind of like public bathroom stalls. But anyway.. At first it took a bit of focus but I finally found a certain comfort level with, or perhaps ignorance of the lack of privacy. Sometimes the occasional "bless you" coming through the wall seems a bit odd. "God? Is that you?" And sometimes it's hard not to respond to questions asked in the next cubicle. But for the most part I'm pretty used to it.

One thing that really bugs the crap out of me, is the guy who walks down the isle peeping into every cubicle he walks by. You know exactly who I'm talking about. That one guy that just can't mind his own. Why does he feel compelled to do this?? I mean, I guess it’s not so obvious when you’re the fish in the fishbowl. Maybe if "they" didn't design every cube so that your back is to the “opening” it might be a little more obvious. (How sad it’s not even a door. Sounds a bit dirty really. I actually totally get the "rear view mirror" now.) And did you ever watch that guy walk down a row of cubes and alternately turn his head to look into ALL the cubes on each side? Sort of reminds you of a chicken bobbing its head in search of bugs. Granted, it may be subconscious and he just plain doesn’t realize he’s doing it. But man, sometimes I just wanna be like "LOOKING FOR SOMEONE?!?"

So I feel have no choice. I dub thee.. Mr. Peeper. (Can you do that POOFING part again? I'm not sure I'm a very good POOFER!) I wouldn’t say it’s Peeping-Tom creepy. But it’s a little bit nosey. Not to mention you look like a freakin' idiot! GOSH! Of course, I’m sure we’ve all done it. I just wish I could suggest to the guy, "hey, think you could just walk down the hall and maybe gaze in the general direction in which your walking?" I mean, who does he think he is, the Warden? Thanks but the inmates could probably do without your supervision. Besides, we totally already have a warden!!

It's midnight.

And I wonder why I'm so tired at work all the time. Oh yeah, and it's actually 1 am because we lost an hour. Damn Spring.

Ode to Spring

... and the obligatory Cherry Blossom photo.


I love every season. I've tried hard to find something I like just a little bit more about one than the other three, but I can't. I love them all equally. When I was younger I used to think my parents must love either my sister or I more, they just lied when we asked them which of us it was. I was convinced equality on that level was impossible. But now I believe they did love us both exactly the same.

This is from the magnolia tree in our back yard. I had no idea it was there until today.

Escape

To offset the insane and rather oppressive hours I've been working the last week or so, I went rock climbing today. I almost didn't. I had planned to go, but then slept in and sort of made an unspoken decision to skip it. THANK GOD THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT. With some much needed and greatly appreciated coersion, I decided to go anyway. Work could wait.

It was an absoultely gorgeous day for my first climb this season. The breeze was blowing, the sun shining, and I had some fabulous company. S2H invited his coworker H to climb with us. She'd been before but it had been years ago. You totally couldn't tell, she did awesome! :) And I think she had a good time.

Typically you know you've had a good time when you have some reminder from your day. These reminders might be hangovers, scars a.k.a. battle wounds, or things you've brought back with you. Today, thanks to my 3/4 t-shirt and watch, my proof that I had a good time is this.

And what day would be complete without the bandana?

Being at work tonight is worthwhile having been out enjoying the day. Thank you, I really needed that.