A good judge of character

You can tell what kind of person your newscaster is by how they report about the snowstorm in Denver this week. If they talk about how lucky those Colorado residents are, you know they're a winter fan and a damn good person. Or if they spin the storm negatively you know you have to find a new news station.

I really, really wish we could have some more snow this winter. It's been unseasonably warm. We had a gorgeous fall and apparently Mother Nature liked it so much she decided to extend it in lieu of Winter this year. I did see snow once (outside of Colorado). We had a miniature snowstorm that lasted a few minutes a couple of weeks ago. Nothing stuck but it made my heart ache for a real winter.

Earlier this week I was sitting on the bank of the river at the bottom of the rock I was about to climb. S2H was clinging to the rock while I belayed him up the route. It was surreal because the water was crystal clear. And the heat of the 70 degree day was funneling down through the gorge. But with the cold water there would be short bits of cold air mixed in with the warm breaze. It was an amazing day, but bitter sweet because in a perfect world on a late December day we would be wearing snowshoes.

What I wouldn't give to shovel the walkway. To battle snow drifting across the road as I drive white-knuckled to work. To bundle up in my long coat and come indoors with rosey cheeks knocking the snow from my boots. I've been flipping through pictures of Denver that people have sent in to TheDenverChannel.com and it helps a little. At least to remind myself winter isn't gone forever. It's just not here right now. And would I please leave a message for when she finally decides to return.

I can't wait to move somewhere more me-friendly. This place just doesn't fit my needs. Even the bugs in Denver are ready for winter...

What forgiveness really is

My mom always told me I was unforgiving and that I needed to learn to let things go. I always knew she was right, but it still seemed that just letting things go was not a reasonable or acceptable answer. There are a lot of crappy people out there doing unkind things to each other every day and I saw no reason why I was supposed to be okay with it.

Granted and hopefully in the majority, there are also relatively normal people just trying to get by who for whatever reason do something untoward that may not have been intended that way. I have a hard time distinguishing between these two scenarios emotionally. At the end of the day it still hurts.

Regardless of the intent or character of the offending individual, the end result is the same. Something someone else did has hurt or otherwise negatively affected me and it doesn't seem fair to say "no problem," and just move on as though nothing happened. I've always sort of operated under the assumption that people just shouldn't do mean things, damn it, and if they were going to suck then F 'em. Let them suck far away from me. (Never mind that I almost certainly do mean things to others without intending to. Or maybe I do intend to and choose to ignore this ugly truth about myself.)

This has obvious implications. It makes me a runner (someone who runs from problems) and probably a coward. It makes me a poor problem solver and probably even worse at communicating. And it just sucks because I'm handing my freedom over to anyone but myself and forcing myself to change who I am or the choices I make for lack of a better way to deal with things. But most of all it makes me so damn irritated all the time.

I've recognized this as a problem for a long time but I still haven’t come up with a workable solution. I needed a plan or at least a rule to follow when I encountered a situation in which I felt walked upon or hurt by someone I couldn’t reconcile with. I try to simply ignore stupid people and their ridiculous actions that directly affect me. I constantly try to remove myself emotionally from difficult people and situations. But I think the main problem is being able to wrap my feeble little mind around the idea that people have their own issues to deal with and I am probably the least of their concerns. (See previous post about assuming the world does not revolve around me.) Just because all signs point to malicious intent or absolute and total ignorance, it doesn't mean they woke up with the intent to be mean to me today. Or even if they did, maybe they think they have a good reason and either way what the Hell can I do about it? Or maybe they're spiteful and mean and if they tear you down then by God they are a better person in comparison.

Sigh..

It seems a hopeless battle. I refuse to forgive people for being so RIDICULOUS. On a REGULAR BASIS. It's not okay with me and I'm not going to tell them it's okay because it's not!!!

I get so. Angry. Every. Day.

It is apparent to me that I have already lost years off of my life just by being so angry with people all the time. And of course I'm not perfect and have no doubt hurt other people both intentionally and not. But hopefully most of the items in the intentional category have long since been written into history.

Finally this morning I finished reading a friend's post about accountability and one paragraph in particular struck me. Maybe I'm just looking at all of this the wrong way. Forgiveness doesn't mean it’s okay. It doesn’t mean what they did is acceptable. It doesn't mean I have to tell them I forgive them and that it's alright. It doesn’t mean I have to like them or even be friendly with them in the future. It makes no promises about what I do in the next few moments, days, weeks, or years. I’m not accepting the actions of someone else as justified or in some way deserved. I am in fact arming myself against the hurt and allowing myself to move on.

What a concept. I may actually be able to introduce this new word forgiveness into my vocabulary. And I’ll file it in the often used and positive implications section.

From The Poet's Live Journal Entry from December 13:

I mean, forgiveness is great – really all it means is finding peace with something that someone else has done so that you’re no longer hurting; it has nothing to do with the other person; that’s reconciliation and is a different essay entirely because it implies the complicity of both parties – but it does you absolutely no good if it just sets you up to get bulldozed again. Luckily most of the time people bulldoze other people because they are operating in two totally different and conflicting realities (mostly for very logical, although not always very productive, reasons), not because of any maliciousness or depravity. Sometimes it’s possible to align those realities (reconciliation), but other times – one or both parties don’t want to communicate, they don’t know how to communicate… and it’s just not possible. So what do you do? You forgive and you insulate yourself from whatever behavior the other exhibits which is out of context and hurtful in your reality, with full understanding (or as full as you can get) of why they operate the way they operate and how it really has nothing to do with you.

Thanks Lauren. I owe you another one.

Self fulfilling prophecy

If you work hard enough at finding fault, before long that's all you'll see. When you're waiting for an axe to fall on your head, the world around you will cease to matter. You will be so focused on the situation at hand that everything else fades out of relevance.

In the same breath, if you seek out light and beauty and positive ideas, you will find them everywhere you look. We choose our path whether destiny helps us along the way or not. And to direct your attitude is in effect taking your life by the reins.

Lasting moments

I had a really great conversation with a coworker the other day. I've been fortunate enough to have a handful of opportunities to share ideas with this person. The talks always seem to be completely spontaneous and definitely enriching. I never want them to end though I usually have piles of work to be done.

We began talking about career development and how setting goals has helped him to feel satisfaction in his life. And the conversation morphed into recognizing accomplishments and taking time out to really evaluate what matters, what makes an accomplishment and what doesn't. Understanding when you are recognized for something that isn't an accomplishment and choosing to believe that credit is actually due for another achievement that went unnoticed. A sort of credit exchange program in the Universe if you will.

He also took the time to reassure me of my great achievement and to encourage me. He told me stories of how people he had trouble with in the past turned out to have a lot of appreciation for him. We talked about how the bad things fade over time and it's the positive things that really stick with you. I hope he's right.

His final parting piece of advice was to have a going-away event of some type though my inclination may be to slip quietly out the back door. A luncheon or get-together however simple is important to recognize and celebrate change. I already know I'll take his advice just because he gave it to me. I have to assume he's right.

I try to soak up every bit of advice I get from those around me. People who have experienced things and who are willing to offer me some bit of what they know.

There aren't many people I'll miss when I go, but he's one of them. There seem to be so few who are above the nonsense, but rooted well into the earth. He's always kind and gentle with seemingly endless knowledge. Always sensible and humble, inquisitive and youthful. I hope to meet more people like him.

In passing

I came across an interesting collection of essays by Paul Graham that seem to address things I have been very interested in recently.

http://www.paulgraham.com/

The one that caught my attention was Do What You Love. I printed it out and have since scribbled tons of comments all over it. I love when that happens.

I've also discovered Mr. Graham has a blog. http://paulgraham.infogami.com/blog/ (Oh how I heart blogs.) And in it he has come up with a very simple, scientific way for me to approach my frustrations as of late. From his 19 April 06 entry entitled "What Drives Bloggers" I quote:

So if you want to discover things that have been overlooked till now, one really good place to look is in our blind spot: in our natural, naive belief that it's all about us. And expect to encounter ferocious opposition if you do.

Conversely, if you have to choose between two theories, prefer the one that doesn't center on you.

This principle isn't only for big ideas. It works in everyday life, too. For example, suppose you're saving a piece of cake in the fridge, and you come home one day to find your housemate has eaten it. Two possible theories:

a) Your housemate did it deliberately to upset you. He knew you were saving that piece of cake.

b) Your housemate was hungry.

I say pick b. No one knows who said "never attribute to malice what can be explained by incompetence," but it is a powerful idea. Its more general version is our answer to the Greeks:

Don't see purpose where there isn't.

Or better still, the positive version:

See randomness.

As it turns out, I have been acting in a grossly self-centered manner and it has dramatically taken away from my quality of life. This new point of view just may make my life easier. Mr. Graham, I'm so happy I found you. I believe I have decided to make you a permanent fixture in this humble space I call my blog.

A Different Christmas Poem

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.

Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

According to Urban Legends Reference Pages:

Internet-circulatd copies of this poem are often attributed to a Lt. Commander Jeff Giles SC, USN, but the International War Veterans' Poetry Archive (IWVPA) lists this poem as a December 2000 effort authored by Michael Marks and includes the following note from him about its origins:

A Soldier's Christmas was the first in this series of patriotic writings, drafted on Pearl Harbor Day 2000 when in the wake of the 2000 Presidential Election our nation saw the right of US Armed Forces personnel openly questioned and debated. I felt it unconscionable that at the onset of the Christmas season, those serving to defend our nation would hear anything but our love and support. It is our challenge to stand for their rights at home while they stand for our lives and safety overseas. This poem went out and quickly spread around the world in emails, letters, magazines. I received letters from Marines in Bosnia, soldiers in Okinawa, from a submariner who xeroxed a copy for everyone on his sub. Moms wrote, dads, brothers and sisters. I have saved and cherish every letter and set out to continue writing throughout the year.

Onomatopoeia

I wish I could make more sounds. I think it would distract people from my inability to articulate my thoughts and feelings. Or perhaps help them to more clearly interpret my moods. Sometimes when you say something people don't believe you. Maybe if you could sound it out for them... What says "F you" better than a good roar? Or announces happiness more clearly than a soft purr?

Some people have a lot of grr in them. Others are far too polite. Ever just feel like growling? I think if I were some kind of growling animal, I would do it a lot. I once pretty nearly barked at a girl during a soccer game in high school because she tackled me illegally. And it hurt! I mean, it wasn't really a bark. But it wasn't really a word either. I kind of just yelled at her. The other girls on the team were like "WTF just came out of you??" Yeah.. I don't know.

I also think I would purr a lot if in fact I could make that sound. I've tried. It comes out sounding something like rolling my Rs and whispering at the same time. But seriously, I think it would be awesome. And how beautifully subtle?

Anyway, I just think it would be easier. And fun. And a welcome change from the monotony of speaking.

I don't want to be a bachelorette

I don't like bachelorette parties and I can't quite put my finger on what the problem is. I suppose I am of two minds on this issue.

If I were friends with a group of females (yes I know, just pretend because in reality this will only happen for fleeting moments). But anyway, if I were friends with a group of females that I liked to do things with and one of us were getting married, it would be just one more excuse for a party. "Congratulations on the choices you're making!! He's so great we're so excited for you!!" This I'm okay with.

But every coin has two sides. Being who I am and not really having a group of female friends, the bachelorette parties I've experienced are dumb. "Let's celebrate your last few days of being single." It's sort of like "well, if you insist on throwing your life away we may as well throw you one last party". Why do people do this? If you love being single so much, why don't you stay that way??

The term that comes readily to mind now to describe my attitude is Grinch. I am okay with this.

I'm not a huge fan of bachelorette parties for a few reasons.

First, bachelorette is not a word. This irritates me. Of course, it's slang and we use it as a word, but the proper term would be bacheloress. It's puzzling to me why we would not use this term instead. I find it highly preferable. Perhaps too much like heiress? We can all thank Ms. Hilton for that negative connotation. Arguably, the only reason I even know about the term bacheloress is because of Wiki. So maybe I just need to disseminate.

Hey ladies, let's use bacheloress instead of bachelorette, 'kay?

Number two reason why I hate bachelorette parties. In many cases, the goal is to get the female in question intoxicated beyond any hope of recollection. Vomiting is actually a plus. "That just means she had a good time!" I beg to differ. In my world, vomiting does not equal fun. I like to drink but why should overdoing it be the central focus of the evening??

Third. I'll just lump them all into this last category; Strippers, prostitutes, and offering your friend up as a piece of meat to give her one last whatever. Duh. I hate this idea beyond any practical description. Your friend is getting married. She does not want to make out with some random guy at the bar nor see over-oiled guys taking their clothes off. And she definitely is not dreaming of living happily ever after as man, wife and STD. Yuck.

I'm not a total stick in the mud. When I go out I like to be crazy and have fun. And I'm all for girls having a party to congratulate their friend's change of status. I just think there are ways to do it, and ways not to. I can handle the games. Pin the cucumber on the hunk is dumb, but harmless. The genitalia paraphanalia isn't so bad. It's pretty much standard these days albeit completely crude. I guess I just don't like what the tradition has come to mean. It should be a celebration of finding love. Not a test of will and confidence in one's decision or kissing one's freedom goodbye as it were.

The party I attended this past weekend had exactly none of the things that make me despise bachelorette parties. The bachelorette was pregnant, so very little booze. The venue was a comedy club, not a strip club. And the girls were all pretty good company. I was exceedingly grateful for all of this but it did nothing for my foul mood. I still felt incredibly depressed and impatient about the whole thing.

It wasn't the girls, they were sweet. The bachelorette is incredibly friendly and fun to be around. There were surprisingly few of the requisite comments about what the boys must be doing. It was just kind of a downer for my mood. I guess it was just depression by association. It's difficult to break through stereotypes and past experiences.

I'm not some kind of bitter single woman still in search of Mr. Right. Nor am I of the smuggly married variety criticizing those who have not chosen my path. I just want to appreciate my single life for the precious experience it is and also to welcome my married life for the sacred union it will be.

Call me crazy, I just want a more meaningful tradition. That or maybe I just had a huge chip on my shoulder last Saturday and I just need to snap out of it.

The Jane

Everyone kept asking me "how was it?" And all I can come up with was "good, it was really good". Which is a totally lame description but I seem to have nothing more to say. It's kind of frustrating because the trip was incredible, there just aren't words to describe it. I have to try though...

My trip was completely amazing. It was everything I wanted it to be. A laid back group of people with a serious addiction to snowboarding. A challenging mountain with breathtaking views. Snowboarding to exhaustion followed by a long soak in a jacuzzi each day. Then good food and a local watering hole each night.

The nice thing about a group of guys is they can be so low key. There was the requisite teasing and jockying for big man on the mountain, but for the most part it was warm-hearted and fun. I really felt like I had nobody to impress the way it sometimes feels amidst a group of females. I just rode hard on the mountain and enjoyed the company of some really nice people at night.

Big mountain boarding is nothing like what we have on the east coast. The mountains are obviously bigger, but that's just the beginning. They have snow. Real natural snow. They have powder, something you'll rarely find in the East. And they mercifully don't often have night skiing. I say mercifully because by 4 when the lifts shut down, you are ready for a break. The crazy part about being off the mountain by 4 is getting an early start to the evening. That puts bedtime back that much earlier and being from a time zone two hours ahead, I was up by 7 or 8 and on the moutain for first run.

I have never been so sore, and never so content to sit and soak in the hot water at the end of the day.

Being so early in the season the snow wasn't the best. Not many runs open and not much fresh powder, but the little we did fine was a blast. Mary Jane/Winter Park is a must in the realm of Colorado snowboarding. I look forward to many return trips.

Thanks and best wishes are definitely owed to all that made the trip possible. I hope we can do it again soon.

Snowboarding in Colorado

There's just not much more a girl could hope for...

.. except maybe the perfect guy. But I have him too. :)

Sunday mornings are the perfect time for ridiculous low budg drama movies involving half pint pop stars and off-season teen drama actors

Yesterday was a lay around and watch tv morning. So I flick on the tube and settle in with my coffee for some 'toons or something equally productive. I watched some Discovery show about man-eating leopards for a while, but then I got bored of seeing carcasses.

And then I found it, the gold mine, Supercross: The Movie. Oh yeah.. quality. It's a teen flick about a couple of Motocross racers breaking into the Supercross scene and making it big. There's the obligatory side-plot love stories. The main character selling out but then realizing it's not worth it and coming back to win big with the help of his brother and former rival. Half pint pop star Nick Canon. And off-season Teen drama actor Sophia Bush from One Tree Hill. Oh, and also, the chick does a back flip on her bike. Sweet.

It's not like there was nothing else on. Bourne Supremacy, Batman Begins; but I've seen them already. And I was in the no thinking, just entertain me mood.

Quote of the day? "Just watch the bike scenes and tune out the porn plot." Yes, thanks guys, excellent analysis.

The List - Part I

This past weekend I was out with friends, and as with most public places the bathrooms were not up to par. I'm not the picky type, but there are certain things that just make me shake my head. For example, flushing paper towels down the toilet. How would I know the last person did this? Because paper towels don't flush down most toilets. Just a tip.

This leads me to believe the person before me was either 1) dumb, 2) highly intoxicated, or 3) ignorant. Maybe all three? Would you do that at home? Not if you know anything at all about toilets..

So I decided to come up with a list of things I think every female should know. I want to point out that I'm still working on these things myself, but that it's something we females should all strive for to become more well-rounded individuals. I realize this is a bit of a weighted list, coming from someone who's somewhat.. well, redneck? But I believe these are important things. Perhaps you all can enlighten me on some of the "must-knows" in your areas of expertise.

Things every female should know - Part I

1) How to fix a toilet. :)
You will inevitably be in a situation where a toilet is overflowing and you alone can stop it in time. Just look behind the toilet for the little valve. This shuts off the water and stops the water from rising. There's more to know, but this is a good start.

2) How to drive a manual transmission.
You don't have to own a stick, but in an emergency this could be incredibly helpful, not to mention cool.

3) How to make a rockin' martini. (or another "traditional" beverage)
Whether you drink or not you could always use this skill at a random social event when called upon. Who wants to have to say "um.. I don't know how.."

4) How to change a tire.
If you're ever stranded with a flat and a dead cell phone on the side of the road, this could be incredibly useful. If this is foreign to you, start by figuring out where the spare is and asking a neighbor or friend to show you.

5) How to start a fire.
What? No gas grill?? You never know. But also? You just might need one to keep warm someday. Matches or a lighter are totally allowed. I'm not asking that you be Chuck Norris.

6) How to change your own oil.
Living in a city not something I would do unless I had to, but it's good to know how.

7) How to properly throw a football.
No need to play an entire game of catch, but it's nice to be able to return the football to the group of guys playing in the park if it falls at your feet. Just line your fingers up between the laces and follow through.

8) How to be a suitable companion for a football/basketball game.
If you're a sports fan this one is well taken care of. But if you're not, know enough about a sport to at least watch one game. And who knows, maybe you'll like it!

9) How to tie a knot.
You don't have to have an arsenal, but one good knot could get you out of a bind if ever you really needed one. (And a bad knot can be deadly.) A bowline knot is basic and if you do it wrong you'll know it.

10) How to change a diaper.
Presumably, every female can do this instinctively, but if not...

Okay.. go!

Celebrate Natural Beauty

Have you seen those Dove commercials where "real" women are celebrated for their natural beauty? I'm sure we can all appreciate what they're trying to do; so few of us are perfect or anywhere near it. But an ad is just an ad, we still idolize the women of movies and magazines with their immaculately sculpted bodies and perfectly airbrushed faces. Who hasn't been influenced by these images? I see it in my pre-teen cousins who already ear makeup and ultra-low rise mini skirts.

I don't really spend much time on my appearance. I have the few things that I do, and that's all. I don't care to spend more time than I do, and I am okay with "getting by" as it may be.

So I had all but forgotten about those ads, and then my friend sent me this with a note that said "See, we are all super models".

And really all I could say was Wow. It's a really incredible visual description of the influence of our culture and what we've all come to expect of ourselves and of each other. And they're right...

No wonder our perception of beauty is distored.

Go spadout

I just read a little blurb on spadout.com that talked about women specific skis. The coolest part about the article was this:

Women specific skis are generally designed for lighter skiers who need a more responsive ski due to their limited body weight.

Women have limited body weight. That's awesome.

I love spadout. It's a really cool site for all kinds of outdoor things. Videos, tutorials, gear etc. I would really like to think they're not paid to recommend some gear over others, but that really remains to be seen. REI is their major sponsor so perhaps that means they're automatically biased. They have a ton of good information none-the-less.

It's definitely worth a visit..

Is it snowing yet?

It's about that time and I can't freakin' wait! I'm already planning to take off Wednesday nights and bust out of work by 3 so I can try to get some runs in mid-week this year. Skiing here is far from top-notch, but it's better than nothing.

I got pretty jazzed up when my friend mentioned the Skiing and Snowboarding Expo out in Dulles. Go check it out!! I've never been before but it should be fun. They will have all of the new gear and they'll be giving away trips and lift tickets. They will also be showing the new Warren Miller movie which is an annual must-see for anyone even remotely interested in winter. You just sit there and drool watching people experience the mountains around the world. Southern Hemisphere anyone??

Due mostly to the impending move, I don't really have any ski trips planned this year. But I may try to slip out of town for a couple of long weekends up to VT or NY. Yay! Nice to have friends and family in cold places. Maybe I could even squeeze in a quickie to CO. I haven't even been to Copper yet...

Are you excited?!?

Donald finally got it right...

My friend sent me this today.

It really made me think. On the one hand, who would be against displaying the American flag? On the other, you can kind of see how maybe it's a little on the large side.

Personally? I dig it. And I think he should definitely pursue the issue to the highest court possible. Not like the $250/day fine will be a deterrant. But it's going to be interesting.

I need ruby slippers

The end is so near, and I can't wait. This project seems like it will consume my entire life. But I won't let it! I took off the entire weekend this past weekend. The entire thing!!

I won't lie, it was tough. I felt guilty for not going in. I felt like I should be there. But I fought the urge and stayed home.

It's almost more tiring and discouraging to stay away. But in a different way. To come in and work and never take a break makes me feel like I need time to just relax and do nothing. To rest and recover from all of the concentration. But to stay away makes me feel as though the work will pile up so high I'll never catch up and sooner or later it will all just cave in and bury me forever.

Which is better? I don't know.

I'm almost done but I still don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Instead of encouraged I feel unmotivated and depressed. I want to feel as though I've accomplished something, but the stress has taken so much out of me.

click-click-click There's no place like the Caribbean... click-click-click There's no place like the Caribbean...

43 things

It's been too long. I've been writing, just not posting. I looked down through all of the un-posted drafts just floating there, and I just posted them. This one and this one got buried because I posted them all at the time they were written, but the rest are all right here. I don't know why I wasn't posting. Just haven't really been in a good place lately I guess. Who knows.

But I'm here now. Alive and well, happy and healthy.

I re-discovered this site where you can collect your list of things. 43 Things in fact. What a wonderful idea; to compile your hopes and dreams, thoughts and lessons, and share them with the world.

Motivate yourself and share your energy with us. What are your goals? Make them a reality.

Moments to live for

Like the magic of watching the darkest storm engulfing the earth. Feeling the deepest love swelling in your chest. Sitting on the deck of a sailboat floating amidst caribbean islands staring off into the world. Being lost in the moment of your dreams coming true. The tingling sensation in your scalp in hearing the song that explains your thoughts to the world allowing you to sit in silence. Being held in an embrace that heals all wounds and sooths all hurt. The quiet justice of knowing you did the right thing and realizing that's all you need. Peace starting in the center of your being and radiating out to the very corners of you.

Trying too hard

The dilemma of souls. Pitfall of the diligent. The ellusive secret of the enlightened. The cup of life. The fountain of youth.

I work so hard to try to fix things I forget to just be. I forget to relax. I am so caught up in trying I forget that sometimes it's the freedom that solves problems. Freedom for your mind to contemplate in the comfort of its subconcious. Freedom of your soul to laugh and heal its wounds. Freedom of your body to let all the tension melt away.

I could worry myself out of love. I could work my way out of a job. I could fret myself into a persistent state of madness. But if I let go? I could be my way into a life I adore.

Try to relax...

Try to relax? Isn't that an oxymoron? Quite. But I quite often have to work at relaxing.

Oh you didn't know I was a raging lunatic who exploded at the slightest event? Of course you did.. if you know anything about me at all. I'm crazy. Certifiable maybe. But I'm trying. I'm trying really, really hard to relax.

It's bad because I see it coming. I see the mercury rising. I see the gauge topping out. But it all happens so quickly, and before I know it I've boiled over and it happens much too quickly to pull the emergency cable. And then afterward I have to work myself out of my fit and try to reason through what exactly happened.

Sometimes I can stop myself before all hell breaks loose. Sometimes I have to tell myself I don't care. But then I stop caring and that's not good either.

Sometimes I can just breathe. Deep, slow breaths in and out.

And Yoga. I like yoga. I teach it twice a week. That helps.

Also? I'm moving. Ever so far away from this city whose inhabitants seem so intent on digging into my skin. Not the ones I know (before anyone starts to wonder whether I'm talking about them). The ones I don't know are the really prickly ones. This city where prestige rules and passive aggression is the surest way to success. I just can't handle it. I can't be passive at anything. I'm right up in your face I HATE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT girl. That, or I just quit.

I'm a quitter. sigh.. I'm trying to stop doing that too.

I want people to have positive things to say about me. And right now? I wouldn't blame anyone for not being able to come up with anything nice to say.

She's.. well, she sometimes.. and.. oh I know! She uh..

Yeah. I know. Me too.

So what, do I need therapy? Professional help? Do I need a self-help book? What do I need?

Pose like you mean it...

I always see these chicks walking into the gym with their four inch heals, cute little suits, hair all pulled back in very professional (read: stuck-up) looking styles and fashionable glasses. And I wonder.. what exactly is it they're here for? Because someone like that would never get sweaty..

It's certainly judgmental of me, but how can I not wonder about these things? They have time to look that put-together and work out? No way.. I mean, I work out but no way do I ever look that good at my "real" job. (Well, that's due mostly to my lacking sense of style and my refusal to spend more than $100 on any item of clothing. Okay, fine, $50.)

Just yesterday I passed one of these suit girls in the locker room and all of the preceding thoughts ran through my head. But then I see the same girl in my Flow class sweating her butt off during standing strength with everybody else, and I'm like "huh, check it out. I would totally be friends with that girl." Girl in suit? Not so much. Girl in yoga class looking like every other normal girl out there? Totally.

And it occurs to me.. they're business professionals by day, and totally cool girl-next-door chicks by night. Awesome! Go them!! I can totally support their cause. I mean, birkenstocks are comfy and all, but not so much accepted in the workplace. And they definitely never belong in the same sentence as promotion unless you work for REI.

But it's exciting because I always struggle to relate to people. I see all of these women in the gym, and I see all of these women in the workplace. But lo and behold, these are the same women. And they're doing their thing, being who they are, and still conforming (as far as society knows) to all of these business customs. Just. Like. Me. And it's not the suits necessarily. They just represent this group of people that seem foreign to me, even though I can probably easily be lumped right in with them.

No need to fear or avoid them just because I don't understand. (Life would be so much easier if I could remember this.)

I do that. I avoid people because I worry that they won't like me. Or I worry that I might be bothering them. I know it's dumb. When's the last time someone saying "hi, how are you?" bothered me? Never. I even avoid people I know very well when things become scary.

Conflict?! OH NO! RUN!

Duh. I'm dumb. But it's unintentional. I just have some social anxiety issues. So it's encouraging when I can relate more to the world around me. Maybe there's hope for me after all.

I am going straight to hell

For a number of reasons, really. But today? Today I'm going to hell for being impatient.

So they're moving our spaces. Well, let me clarify. They moved our spaces two weeks ago. But now they're moving some of the spaces on the other end of the floor. But to do that they must be emptied. So guess where they put all of the contents for the weekend? Yep, everyone else's space.

But I'm still here working. (And will be for at least half the weekend) And when the movers said they were blocking my cube at 3pm my reaction went about like this: (Internal monologue in parens and italics, thank God for that. I see prison in my future.)

Mover1: We're blocking your spaces.
Me: (Who the F do you think you are?!) You can't block our spaces, we're still working here.
Mover1: We were told to put things here.
Me: (Are you deaf?!) But we're still working.
Mover2 (who clearly sees that I'm pissed and ready to fight about it): Okay, no problem, we'll put things somewhere else.
Me: (Damn right!!!!!)

(Grumble, grumble, I really want to FIGHT!!!!)

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

(Nope, I still want to fight.)

sigh...

I'm totally turning into (or already am) the crotchety old lady that hates everyone. So how long before I lock myself away in my house because I'm INSANE and completely incapable of tolerating (or being tolerated by) anyone or anything? I give myself 2 weeks.

Usually when stuff like this happens (which is a little more frequently than I'd like to admit, but thankfully a lot less so than it used to be) I go through the checklist:

1. Blood sugar - when's the last time I ate? (This solves 99% of all of life's injustices. Anyone remember the twinkie defense? Urban legend or not, I'm quite familiar.)
2. Magnesium.. I need magnesium. (the rough natural equivalent to a small dose of valium)
3. Is it 5 yet? Can I go?!

Today, I could probably use all three. And my day started out so well. All I need now are 10 or 12 cats.

Now that's how it's done!

Today is shaping up to be one hell of a day. It rained pretty strong through the night and to my delight it was still raining early this morning. I hit the snooze until around 7 listening to the comforting raindrops. And there's this big cherry tree right in front of my window so it was wonderfully dark in my room. The sleeping in was fantastic! I can't tell you how much I heart rain. I really feel strongly that I will spend a significant portion of my life in Seattle. Rain forest! Woo!!

Anyway, I coaxed myself out from under the down comforter and took a nice hot shower, I checked my email and listened to State Radio while I dressed. It's Friday so I get to wear jeans, and with the rain I thought boots and my brand new Arcteryx shell would be awesome. I heart Arcteryx. Patagonia, I still love you but I've met someone new. Can we still be friends?

More rain on the way in to work. I wish it would never stop.. But as Lauren always says (and she's so right) I wouldn't be so in love with every single drop if we saw each other all the time. I would never miss it and wouldn't be so uncontrollably happy when we met again. It drips off my hood and off the ends of my sleeves. It's dark and cool out. It's windy today too. How awesome.

When I got in the office was all quiet because of the weather and because it's Friday. I've been super productive lately so that gives me energy also. I walked down to Starbucks for coffee with L (more rain!! :) ) which made the morning complete. And now I have this fire burning in my belly spurring me through the day.

To round it all out I have Flow tonight. I taught with another instructor on Wednesday and that always renews my drive to get better. She did the relaxation/meditation tracks and I got the tingling sensation I miss out on when I teach on my own. This is the perfect start to a fantastic weekend. I can't wait.

This is what I call a Friday.

Good karma!!

The other day I was rummaging through the lost and found at the gym. This dude said he left his bag in the locker room the day before.

Hmm.. no small brown bag with shampoo and a razor... but LOOK! A WATERBOTTLE!

It was the water bottle I lost at least six months ago. The unmistakable Jack Johnson sticker on the side totally proves it's mine!! Grisam would definitely agree. It was then that I forgot all about dude looking for bag and reveled in the bliss of finding my long lost property. You can't even imagine my excitement. I didn't even know where I had left it. I must have pouted for a week!

Reluctantly I replaced it, but couldn't bring myself to sticker the new bottle. It just wouldn't be the same. But now it's back! I am whole again. I feel human! And imagine the hydration that will now consume my day. Can you picture it?! Like a gatorade commercial. I will automatically be cooler and more productive because of it.

I'll totally disinfect it and wash it in the dishwasher on super hot like 25 times. But it's back!!!

Never a moment

I've always been in love with music. There's almost no ailment that a good song played a few hundred times can't cure. Honestly. Breakups, bad days, horrible people. There are always exceptions. But the right music can usually sooth any pain. My disposable income has always been spent on cds. And now that we are all into the digital age with full force, it's digital music from iTunes. Who knew it could be so easy?

Sometimes I feel guilty for having my little white earbuds in so often. (What a good marketing scheme, you know? You see white earbuds and you know it's an iPod. H'enyway..) Before the iPod they were little black earbuds. Headphones are a fantastic way to make guys leave you alone at the gym, btw. Easier to hit on the girl without the earbuds..

But, back to the guilt, I worry about missing out on the real world. Here I am escaping into my head, just observing the world, not really participating. I walk down the street and watch. But how much harder does it make it to interact?

It's all well and good to consider these thing, but that's not going to change the fact that I want to be plugged in 24-7. I can't help it. Music is so addictive. Soothing, exciting, calming, thrilling. Whatever you want it to be. You get to choose. You set your own mood.

And I never thought I'd say this, but having a desk job has its advantages. I listen to whatever I want all day long. I may as well be sitting at my desk at home.. All I need is the iPod to escape. Shut out the world.

In my defense, there are times when I crave the silence. Yesterday after class, I got in the car and started driving. A few minutes went by and I realized I didn't have a cd in and the radio was off. Silence. It was so quiet. But so soothing. I didn't want to hear anything. I was enjoying the silence. I had any song I wanted at my fingertips. Literally. But I was happy just as it was. Nothing. I was able to let my mind wander as I drove. It was almost like meditation. Just breathing and thinking. I think I healed a lot of little mental sores that just couldn't quite close up. A positive thought here, a decision made there, it all adds up.

So when I got home and walked in the door, I was ready. No need to unwind. I enjoyed cooking, I relaxed and ate my dinner, and I felt like I was good company for the first time in a while.

Is it the iPod? I don't think so. But sometimes the silence is the best medicine.

Maxed out

(you knew it was coming...)

Calm, cool and collected has never been a good way to describe me. I wouldn't say I'm high strung, but I'm definitely not laid back. History has proven that I take on everything I think I can handle, always keep myself busy, and don't really plan time to let myself relax. What could I possibly be getting done if I'm relaxing??

Lately this tendency has been putting me on edge. I am seriously just maxed out. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I need a little play time. I imagine this is how people approaching retirement feel. But for God's sake I've only been in the "real world" for three years. Three!

Young grasshopper, you are just beginning!

Part of the reason I'm not laid-back girl is I'm so passionate about things. I mean, everything I do has to be the best. No exceptions. Otherwise I feel like a failure. And also because I take things so seriously. Everything in my world is like an extension of me. So if you're unhappy, I assume it must be me. Not good. But I don't think about it. I just assume responsibility without considering whether I really should or not. Basically, I'm insecure as hell and if I'm not pushing as hard as I can I get self-conscious.

Most of the time, none of this is a problem. I get some serious shit accomplished! But occasionally, I really back myself into a corner. I stress myself out and behave in a way that others must think is insane. They must wonder why I'm upset. Why I'm frustrated. And the answer is, "I do it to myself". I make assumptions based on my perceptions that so often turn out to be completely inaccurate.

The strangeness really comes in when my laziness takes hold. Yes, I'm lazy. Can you be lazy and a perfectionist at the same time? I don't know. But I feel that way. Or maybe I'm burned out. I'm not sure if I can really make a distinction there. But that's really a question for another day.

The current manifestation of this over-achievement/massive-insecurity complex is, I planned my summer according to expectations that are now changing. And..oh look! Summer is gone. And half of my weekends were spent in the office. No, let me actually count.. hold on a second...

Yep, ten out of the past 19 weekends were spent at the office. And one of those? The entire memorial day weekend. Saturday, Sunday and Monday. All day.

I'm sorry, what?!

Did anyone ask me to work weekends? No. I volunteered. It was me and myself sitting here coding our hearts out. But now that things are being delayed I get a little pissed. I can't have my summer back. But who is there to be pissed at? You're lookin' at her. I can only be pissed at myself. I volunteered for this. I thought it would pay off. I thought it would be worthwhile. HEY! Look at what I made!! And maybe it has been worthwhile, but losing half my summer was not.

Not even a little bit.

The only redeeming factor here is that now? Now I know what it's like. I know more about what's important, and what's not. I know how much it means to me to see the sun shine. How good it feels to sit and read a book on a Sunday afternoon. How awesome it is to sleep in until 8am.

But is that enough to trade for my summer? I guess everything has its price. And the price for that little bit of knowledge was half of my summer.

Work is good but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you.

Here we go again.

I didn't think it was possible to love sunflower seeds this much. I got just a small bag of dry roasted, lightly salted seeds. Yes, I know, I know I'm totally not supposed to have salt. But I was starving and it was the least bad thing I could eat... And I ate every last one. My tummy is so happy.

I have to be honest. The last time I did detox I kind of did it half-heartedly. I wanted to detox, it feels so good and when you're done you have this amazing sense of accomplishment, not to mention a nice clean body. But holy hell is it hard. You have to gear yourself up for it physically and mentally. I mean, it shouldn't be that tough, but the minute you know you can't have something, it's like the Holy Grail, you would do anything to have it. And the only thing between you and that amazing taste? Is you. You are the judge, jury, executioner, and the criminal! Here, let me just inject the lethal poison into my own arm... THUD.

But this time, I want to do it right. Because the first time I did it, I went through so many amazing changes. It was earth shattering! I felt awesome. So as I was reading on line today through a bunch of different articles on detox, I realized I have been restricting my thinking too much. I'll still keep the bad foods out and the good foods in, but there are some incredibly amazing recipes I want to try!!

Generally the hardest part about the whole thing is when everyone I know gets together for food and drinks. And how often does this happen? Usually just a few times a year, once a month maybe. And then ten extra times during the two week detox period. (naturally) It totally seems like the world is revolting because it knows I'm not allowed.

So there everyone is feasting away, and here I am grilling up veggies and drinking pomegranate juice. It would be much easier if everyone else was on detox too! But that's completely unrealistic. And unfortunately, I don't have a buddy this time. I don't blame E for not wanting to do it. It's a huge sacrifice and you just have to be ready. If you're not ready you're not going to make it through and it's not worth it... It would just be cruel self punishment. Seriously, you start gagging even before you dump the clay down your throat. And psyllium? I haven't vomited it up yet, but I know it's going to happen.

But anyway, here we go again. Day 1. And already my flatulence is here with a vengeance, let me tell you...

sigh

Struggle

I know that we all do it, some of us more than others. It's just part of life. Adversity makes us stronger, gives us character. If everything were easy we'd suck as people; we'd be like spoiled children who are given everything. Regardless of the benefits though, I hate to see people struggling, especially when they feel helpless. But even more, I hate to see people who cause others to struggle, yet refuse do anything about it. There's too much of that in this world.

What if we all just gave each other a break. Just once every day. Can you imagine? That guy who got angry with me this morning for merging. What if he had given me a break? I would have had a much better morning.

I've been struggling with work. Too much going on. Too much to get done, not enough time. Too many not-so-nice people who don't understand what they're saying. It's somewhat of an appeasement to know it will all be over soon and to know that it's not just me, that others see it too. But still hard to be here now, watching my hard work take away my free time. Watching people refuse to help. Watching people confused by the effects of their actions.

And sometimes I look at them, and I remember they are people struggling just like me. Sometimes that helps.

It's silly, I know. I'm lucky as hell. This is a great job. I have an amazing boss and a great support system. This is just a stressful time, I guess.

I have a friend with a child. And she's an awesome mom. But I watch her struggle. And I hate that. She's really the most amazing mom. I'm certain I could never be the kind of mom that she is on a daily basis without even thinking. I know she's worked hard at it, but she just seems to know exactly what to say and do. And she's always striving to be better.

She's always telling me about her relationship with her little one, and it melts my heart it's just so wonderful and inspiring. So many times I get tears in my eyes just because I want that so much. I mean, my mom always knew exactly what to say when nobody else did, and she just has that.

I want so much for her to see how great she is, and how lucky her little one is to have her. I don't want her to struggle. I want her to know that part of her works like clockwork, and she never has to worry.

It takes so very little to break someone's day. But on the up-side, it's just as easy to make someone's day. I just wish for everyone to try that much harder to make someone else's day today. Just smile. Give them a break. Or tell them you care. It's so simple.

Lost, and I don't mean the show

I think I've mentioned before that my parents are big into going places and doing things. Doesn't matter what it is, as long as you're not sitting on your butt doing nothing. So when I was little they would very often pick us up from school and we'd go somewhere. Sometimes to the "city". (We called it that because it was the closest one. It was an hour away so it was usually quite an event. But we'd go with relative frequency.) Sometimes just for a drive. Maybe to some random town with some random restaurant they'd heard about. You name it. We were just always going.

So I grew up with this exploration influence. Go places just to see what's there. Drive up a road to find out where it leads. Stop in a store just to look around. Sometimes I would be bored out of my mind. But sometimes I would be really engaged; I have some really fond memories of random things my family would do.

We used to go to this random town in the middle of nowhere for a 3 gallon bucket of natural peanut butter every time we ran out. That thing would last us months! And every time we wanted to fill up the jar in the cupboard my dad would go down and mix the big bucket of it before scooping some out. My little sister and I would go sit on the stairs in the basement and watch him mix it. It was like a ritual.

I'd like to think I'm a better person because of all of the new things we were always doing. More flexible and adaptable. It used to confuse my sister. She could never understand why anyone would just randomly drive up some road. What's the point? But I think she's more adventurous now too.

But I was lamenting my exploratory spirit this morning when I got lost on my way to work. Yeah, the same job I've had for 3 years. And I've lived in the same town for 2 years! Every morning I take the same route to work. I stop at the same coffee shop. And I usually get to work at the same time. But this morning I was feeling feisty. I just thought I would change it up a bit. If I go just one more exit, then I can take that other road with the other starbucks. Hmm.. Yeah, well the road didn't lead quite where I thought. I knew about where I was, but not exactly. And I couldn't figure out how to connect where I was with where I needed to be. Doh! So I had to take the long way that I knew would work. And I got there fine. Just a lot later than I intended.

So yeah, it's dumb that I got lost on my way to work. But it was kind of fun too. I mean how often do you get the chance to sit in extra traffic? And just look at the new thing I learned. That road? Totally doesn't get me to Starbucks.

Hack

Do you ever have those moments when you wonder how the hell you got where you are? Today I swear I crossed over into the twilight zone. I needed something I thought didn't exist, and it fell right into my lap.

I've been personal training for about two weeks now. And it seems as though everything is happening all of a sudden. I've launched myself into a whole new world and there are a million different things to learn. It's awesome. I mean, terrifying and intimidating, but awesome.

One thing I noticed right off the bat was one of the other trainers. His methods are dramatically different than those of the rest of the trainers, or those of any trainer you'll ever meet for that matter. But they're good. I understand what he's doing, and I don't even have to ask, I know his methods work. He does functional core training. And I've been trying to ask people about him, trying to figure out how I was going to approach him. He's pretty quiet, kind of intimidating, and one of those people that you automatically want to please.

So today I went to a core training class they were offering at one of the gyms. On the way there I was planning to ask my manager about this guy and his methods, and where I could learn more about them. So I walk in, and guess who was teaching the class. Yep. The very trainer I wanted to learn from! My day just got a thousand times better! I don't have to play detective to get his methods, he's going to teach them to me!!

We all sit down on our mats like good little students and listen to his training. It's hands on so we're down on the floor doing all of the exercises. He pulls up all of the buff looking dudes for demos and we are all humbled by their inability to do what he's teaching. But in moments he teaches them to do things with almost perfect execution. At the end of the training he starts to talk about how amazing it is for him to teach all of us. And he opens up about how great each of us are and how wonderful it is to share. And I'm thinking, wow, this guy is awesome! Not only is he a fantastic trainer, but he's one of those people we all aspire to be. Caring, loving, attentive, intelligent, and extremely successful.

God doesn't give you what you want, he gives you what you need.

He has worked with Arnold, Pro Football teams, The UFC circuit. You name it. He's done it. But here he is training in my gym. And he's an awesome guy to boot. Wow. I'm floored. I can't wait to work his methods into my training. I'm so excited! And I guess there are going to be more of these sessions in the upcoming months.

I mean, how luck y can I be? I sign up to work in a gym and immediately am put in a position to learn from the best. How amazing. I'm so excited by all of this. I was feeling a little depressed about working so much and being uncomfortable in my new environment. But now I really think God gave me what I needed.

And oh by the way I feel like someone kicked me in the side.. my core is killing me! It's awesome!

Treadmills are still cool

When I was little, a few times a year my parents would pack my little sister and me into a car late at night. We would fall asleep watching movies or fighting with each other, and when we woke up we would be at Grandma and Grandpa's house in Indiana.

Grandma and Grandpa's house was awesome for a bunch of reasons. Frosted flakes and candy for one. Yum. My sister and I weren't allowed to eat sugar but we could sometimes get away with it with Grandpa. And Grandma always had little activities for my sister and me and all of our cousins, to do. When we were there at Christmas we made little paper wreaths, cards, and wrapped presents. She had this toy cabinet containing more crayons than any small child could ever need and those oversized coloring books that for a long time were bigger than we were. We would color for HOURS. She had blocks, puzzles, games, and stamps. In case you're wondering, rubber stamps provide endless entertainment for small children.

I have a huge extended family. Lots of Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins. So there were always a bunch of us little ones milling around entertaining ourselves. I cringe thinking about the horrible Christmas pageants we made the family sit through. But my Grandma is smart. And patient. I can't even fathom the patience we must have required. Every holiday there was a "kids" table for dinner. So we could snort milk out our noses and make farting noises to our hearts content without having to deal with our parents reprimands. (I used to think the kids table was lame, but I was unbelievably disappointed at my boredom when I once tried to sit with the adults.)

But by far the most time consuming and best loved thing about going to Grandma and Grandpa's was the basement. She had this stairway going down into the basement that made a 90 degree turn about half way down. And for years, right at the bottom of the stairs was a little 4x4 foot space, and then a treadmill where my Grandma walked in the mornings.

...oh the shenanigans.

So we would pile huge pillows at the bottom of the stairs, and dare each other to jump off the top step. We would be our only male cousin on the treadmill, and turn it on at full speed flinging him off the back into the pillow pile. After he tried it, and he lived, then we would all try it. We would be down there for hours!

"Kids..."
"shhhh!!!!!.. yeah??"
"What are you doing?"
"tee hee... nothing!!!!"
"You're not getting in trouble are you?"
"Nooo....."

Inevitably one of us would get hurt or get in trouble for something. But it was more than worth it. But what made me think of all of this was the OK Go video with the treadmill "dance". I think when we were little, we thought what we were doing was just as cool as that.

I miss that house. My grandparents moved to a new house a few years ago. I kind of feel bad for the new cousins who didn't grow up playing with us down in the basement. But I'm sure they have their own version of the basement and love Grandma and Grandpa's house just as much.

Instability

Will I always change this much? As strange as it seems to me, I'm really enjoying the fluctuations in my life. I feel off balance, but there's a certain symmetry to it. It's out of character for me. I'm rule girl. Plan girl. The one with an itinerary for life.

But I'm excited by all of the changes. I'm writing more than ever. I feel inspired and engaged. I walked out of Starbucks this morning and felt a rush. The air smelled so good, the breeze was blowing my hair, and I was on my way to work of all places. I don't want to settle into boring and predictable. I want surprises. I want a little edge. I want to be a little uncomfortable, push myself further, test my limits. Make myself do things I said I'd never do because they were too risky.

Goose bumps are popping up all over as I sit here writing. Chills are running down my spine. All I'm doing is imagining possibility. New ideas, far away places. I can feel the changes coming and I can't wait. I was waiting for my coffee and I glanced up at a sign on the wall. "Coffee of the Day - Pike's Blend" More goose bumps. Pike's Market is in Seattle. I could actually be there in the spring. Imagine that..

I'm starting to understand the motivation behind jumping from planes, climbing to the top of Everest, sailing around the world. People hurl themselves away from stability risking death and more to feel the amazing rush of something different. Discovery, adventure, a challenge. When you dare yourself to jump, that's when you learn who you really are. I'm starting to get that. I feel free yet still grounded. I'm still employed and responsible, but I love letting my hair blow in the wind. I want this to stay. I need the challenge. No more apron strings, let me make a few mistakes for a while. Let me let go.

Traveling alone

Some people say it's the only way to go. I wouldn't say only, but it's definitely significantly different than having a companion. When I travel alone the experiences takes on a whole different feel. It's more than a little bit lonely, but it's also cleansing and calming. There are few external influences that touch me on a personal level when I'm on a plane with strangers, or in my car by myself. Most new experiences only brush the surface, so contemplation and thought can continue without interruption from emotionally charged ideas or people.

When I travel alone, I think about the changes I want to make. The issues I've been dealing with, and can settle into my thoughts more than if I were having to separate the present and the past, or my own thoughts from those of others. It offers a degree of separation and stasis. It's as if it freezes time, just for a moment, so I can process and consider. It's peaceful and soothing. But it can also be earth shattering. Without the comfort of distraction or a shoulder to cry on, sooner or later I must look deep into the eyes of reality and face my fears.

Someday I may take a long trip all on my own. Visit no one, just travel and explore. For now my traveling alone experience is just the getting there part. I usually go to see people. I stay with friends or family and my activities revolve around them. I wonder if I could handle actually traveling alone, start to finish. I have often thought that hiking the entire Appalachian trail solo must be a lonely 6 months. But what an amazing experience that would be.

Always so eager to swallow an elephant, but terrified to make the first move. I should remember to just take life one bite at a time. One step. One breath.

Why I heart my iPod

Life is so much better with a soundtrack.

I think one reason I love movies is because the music brings us all so much deeper into the moment. The kiss, the final battle, the last breath. Ever watch a horror movie with the sound turned off?

That's also why I put songs in my posts. (That and I don't want to be accused of plagiarism.) They make what I'm trying to express so much more clear. And often times the song is the source of my inspiration. My hope is it will get you'll that much closer to what I'm trying to say.

The soundtrack to my life lately...

O.A.R. - One Shot
Bob Marley - Could You Be Loved
Spacehog - In the Meantime
Jack Johnson - Do You Remember
Ben Harper - Burn One Down
311 - First Straw
Sublime - What I Got
Lostprophets - Rooftops
Audioslave - Doesn't Remind Me
NIN - Ring Finger
Hinder - Lips of an Angel (even though the lyrics are awful)
Stone Sour - Bother

What's yours?? I am always eager for new music...

Revolving door

I had my last pump class last night. For those of you who know me, this is a very big deal. I love body pump. I have lived and breathed body pump for the last year and a half. For a while I was up to 4 of my own classes each week and subbing as many of everyone else's as I could. That's also why I had to drop them all, one by one, and spend hundreds of dollars in physical therapy. My body just wasn't built to pump forever.

My knee is still slowly recovering. But nothing ever happens quickly enough. I was impatient. I just couldn't bear to not squat in class. I tried to just talk the class through the leg work, but I couldn't. Everyone would rush, or be confused, or lose their form, so I would jump back in. And it was setting myself back each week, pushing my knee further than it was able to go. I thought if I cut back my knee would heal, but it needed more. So I gave them all up. I started my first pump class wondering why they wouldn't smile back at me, and left yesterday missing each and every one of their faces, my heart breaking.

A door closes.

Lucky, this past spring I learned to teach Flow. And I love flow. It's not quite the same as pump. A different energy. A good energy, but it can't fill the hole that pump has left. I have two flow classes now. And they're great classes. Prime time, big groups, fun members. I'm getting better, learning how to engage them. It's been a lot of fun.

A door opens.

Losing my last pump class also motivated me to finally pursue my personal training. I've been certified for almost exactly a year now, but have been too busy or too afraid to start training. I walked into the gym where I wanted to teach and all they wanted to know was when I could start. That was easy. Why didn't I try that sooner? I start next week. I'm so excited I can't even explain it. I'm totally nervous, but I think it's going to be great!

Door number two.

Life is all about change. I guess it's hard to remember that when all you feel is your heart breaking from the thing you're losing. But when the new doors open, how can you complain?

The depth

Seek it out. Search for meaning, even if it's not the right meaning, you will have journeyed, and traveled, and experienced something you may not have otherwise.

Forgoe hesitation. Never regret. But allow your soul to grow until it eminates from every pore. Until the very bones of your body scream with understanding. And then let it grow more still. Until you know, without a doubt, you have searched and sought and known many new things since you began your quest. And when you have come that far with a still eager lust for more, you may rest knowing that tomorrow, you can begin again. And never will you sit idly by while the world spins 'round without you. You will challenge your mind and let the world be your guide. Follow her endlessly through time, and with the utmost sincerity be truly thankful for her lessons. Never take one single moment for granted. Never believe you are owed anything. Instead, give the world every drop of your soul.

Contrast

Hit

The briefest of moments. Flashes of insight. Momentarily waking up and seeing things in a whole new light. Glimpses of my self, of the viewpoint I'm developing. Seeing for just a brief second the person I am becoming and being proud that my hard work is shaping my future into something I can look forward to. Spurring me on. Renewing my energy and drive. Helping me sift through my hopes and concerns and shedding unnecessary or unwanted things. Renewing my hope.

Miss

Feeling uncomfortable in my skin, like an outsider amongst my friends. Wandering aimlessly through my day. Knowing there's something weighing down my subconcious but being unable to pinpoint it. Not unhappiness. Not depression. Just a need for a purpose. A need for fire. For Drive. For a light amid the haze. Being unable to make decisions or grasp ideas. Trying desperately to wrap my mind around a solution but finding more questions. Just hoping for clarity.

The essentials

I try to be good about never going anywhere without a book to write in and a good pen. I'm not constantly writing, but I do it fairly frequently. And it's always the moment when I have nowhere to write that I feel the frantic need to get something down.

I'll scribble on the cover of my magazine or in the margin of my itinerary, or anywhere I can get the words down. Because it seems once the ideas have swirled around in my head long enough, they just have to come out. And they never come out quite the same way again, so I have to record the moment, the feelings, the sounds.

Last Saturday I was at a party waaay far away and I was the dd. I was doing my best to entertain myself amongst the intoxicated, but after a while I just couldn't stand it. My mind was racing and I needed release. I went searching for paper. Why didn't I bring my journal?? Who knows, I'll never learn. But I found a pad of yellow paper. Yess!!! And a pencil. Sweet!! And I sat at a desk and wrote. I drew lots of attention, which wasn't intentional, I kind of just wanted to disappear for a bit. But I got to write, and my words came flowing out of the end of the pencil like water. Perfect. I felt complete release. It was wonderful.

I feel romanced by pages of blank paper just waiting to be written on and blank books dying to be sketched or scribbled in. I have many, many journals. If ever I am somewhere without my journal and need to write, I buy a new one.

I've tried lots of different journals. For a while I was in love with one I had with a grid printed on the pages. And I have a small-ish one that fits neatly into my purse. I have a bright green one that I used for a while that was beautiful on the outside. I like hard cover better because you don't need a flat surface. And I write more than I sketch so I prefer lined over unlined. Currently my favorite is a "moleskin diary" that has a built in bookmark and an elastic band that raps around and keeps it closed. I like this one because it has a page for every day, predated at the top for the '06 calendar year. It reminds me to write. The blank pages make me feel guilty.

My camera is adding a whole new dimension to this craving I seem to have for documentation. Now I can share that much more of my experiences with the world. I was actually thinking the other day that sometimes I really wish I could record sounds. I definitely need to master actually posting pictures first though. I've been incredibly lax on that since I got my camera. But I finally downloaded the 1200 pictures from all of August on to my computer. Some of them are awesome!!! As soon as I get home I'll post one here...

Scream until your heart stops

Full force through the night, never resting, don't let go. Make your own rules, savor the moment, and be your own inspiration.

I miss that. The chest-swelling, mind-blowing sense of freedom and adventure that seems all but lost in that last summer break from school. That feeling that the summer was forever long and there was nothing to do but dream and wander, roam free with only desire as a guide.

And with no real responsibility come the consequent hours of reflection. Perhaps that was the glory of youth, time to think. And the luxury to be un-jaded, unpretentious, and still eager to dive head first into the deep. To appreciate and savor your overpowering emotions, the rawness of your feelings, the richness of the moment.

All I'm saying is that if I ever start referring to these as the best years of my life - remind me to kill myself. (Pink - Dazed and Confused)

It's not that being young was everything. Maybe it's that we had the time to reflect, the energy to push through, and the innocence of youth to still assume the best in everyone and everything. Hopefully the memories are better than being back there ever could be. Like cartoons you loved when you were a kid; the memories are amazing, but they belong in the past.

I came across this video once years ago and have been searching for it ever since. I finally, finally found it. It can be interpreted as you see fit, but to me it so perfectly depicts the full spectrum. Those in their youth whose fire burns brightly. Those who have grown up and let their flames die, never realizing what they've lost, or resigned to the idea that it's gone forever. And those who continue to seek it out through difficulties and change because it means something to them. Maybe it means everything.

The moments I remember from my youth aren't lost. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of the fire deep within me. Sometimes I feel it burning unrestrained. The feelings are still there, sometimes buried deep, but there just the same.

Rekindle your flame, be adventurous, pass it on. Show the world you're not tamed, you've just learned how to harness your power. Scream your heart out.

Lost Prophets - Rooftops

Instant Gratification

I was talking to a fellow blogger this morning about what she did last night, and she was telling me how she had spent some time working on a post. It was going to be a long one and she wasn't quite ready to post it. This spurned a whole slew of thoughts in the random cavities of my mind, one of which was "wow, she's writing a blog the way I would have written a paper in college." You get an assignment (or in this case an idea), you do a little research, write out an outline, do a rough draft, and then edit and revise until you get a final version.

Huh. What a novel idea. I usually only write blogs about what's tweaking me or making me bounce off the walls at that very moment, and I post it right then. Ahhh.. satisfaction! Not a whole lot of editing or revision go into them. My generation has no patience. Okay, that's not quite true. I'll rephrase. I have no patience. So, maybe I shouldn't always approach blogging like a journal. Of course some journaling is good, but I should also include some more thought out things.

Oh, hey look! A whole other door I never knew was there! Has anyone seen my brain? I think it may have fallen out when I swung through graduation and picked up a "real job" a while back. The same day I caught that bad case of conformity. I'm still fighting it off.. what a killer!

Breaking News!!!

Miss I-didn't-ask-for-drama-but-I'll-stay-locked-in-my-room-24-7 has in fact decided to have the apple surgically and permanently implanted in her butt. She is sticking to her guns and is once again running away from her problems. At least she's consistent.

What does that mean?? She's moving out! But it gets better... She's moving out a month early!! But wait! She has in fact sweetened the deal; she's paying rent for the month that she won't be around.

Can life get any better?! I don't think it would be this good if I won the lottery and moved to Bora Bora where I could live out my days diving and sailing and basking in the sun! Well, that might actually be equally as awesome. But you know what I mean right?!

This is good. This is VERY GOOD.

Poetic Justice

Dare I risk jinxing myself?? It's too unbelievable not to share.

Remember the roommate I praised here and here??

Yes, well let's just say things haven't exactly improved. I believe I've mostly gotten over my anger. But I would venture to say she has not overcome her issues like facing reality and accepting personal responsibility. I know this because our lease is ending soon and her response to this has gone something like this:

First she decided she was moving out because she wanted to live alone. Fair enough.

Then she realized she hasn't had a job in three months because she quit when she decided her boss was over critical, and she can't afford to live alone. Since then job hunting hasn't exactly been a top priority.

Anyway, next she decided she was going to stay and kick me out of the house. Technically I'm on a sublease and if our landlord continued the lease she (bad roommate) might actually be able to do that.

Bad roommate then called our landlord and told her she refused to live with me and that she and good roommate were staying. And she asked good roommate to break the news to me gently. To which good roommate did her best not to puke on bad roommates shoes. Because good roommate is far too polite to tell bad roommate she's full of something closely resembling dog feces.

Good roommate then spoke to our landlord to get a straight story and give a more complete picture, to which our landlord replied "this all makes a lot more sense now."

Fortunately our landlord is intelligent and very level-headed and decided she was not going to continue the lease but would resign a new lease with two or more individuals. She left the decision of who would sign up to us. Smart.

Good roommate and I have decided living with bad roommate has been uncomfortable but not altogether impossible, so we are staying.

What will Miss Apple-up-her-butt do?!? I can't wait to find out.

The way life should be

I was completely struck by how sunny Maine is. It was gorgeous the whole weekend. My Aunt said it's always sunny. Beautiful puffy white clouds and clear blue sky. There's nothing like it! Water everywhere, huge rocks, tons of green trees. The sun goes behind a cloud and you need a sweatshirt, it comes back out and you have to take it off again. And it's the middle of August! Absolutely wonderful. I miss New England.

I saw all of my cousins and their kids. There are so many I had never seen before. I think I have 8 cousins on that side and they have 11 kids and 3 on the way. My family is definitely growing. We all promised to try to see each other more often. It's too bad we're far from each other. But it's awesome that we're all adventurous enough to travel and explore new places.

Other items of note:

I saw a bicycle cop pull over a camaro. Ha!! That's gotta hurt the ego right?

Puffins.. everywhere. I mean I didn't actually see one, but they're native to Maine so there are postcards, Puffin gas stations, newspaper articles, you name it.

L.L. Bean factory store. Mecca.. what more could one want in life?

I'm so tired today that everything is funny.

I'll update this post with pictures when I get back from Albany next week.. :)

Anticipation

The day before a trip is always so exciting! I love the flurry of activity. Getting ready to go. Figuring out what to take (or sometimes more importantly, what not to take). Loading music on the ipod. Charging batteries. Check the weather. Passport, wallet, $$$, cell phone, vitamins, travel info, maps, camera, sunglasses.

I love to travel. I love the anticipation beforehand, the going away, the getting there, the being away, and even the sad, but inevitable return to reality. This time I'm going to Maine for a family reunion; my Dad's side of the family. I don't get to see them very often. And I love Maine. I haven't been there in years. I have so many 2nd cousins I've never seen. My family's been busy, my cousin's wife just had twins!

With all of the activity at Heathrow this week, it's definitely going to be interesting. My flight is early. That means I have to be at the airport STUPID EARLY, like 3:45 AM!!!! But it's okay. I'm tired today so I can probably get to bed relatively early. At least I'm still holding out hope that I'll sleep. I don't know who I'm kidding though. I don't usually sleep well before a trip, if at all. Too much going on. Excitement and a little bit of anxiety. The night before I went to the BVI's last summer I was up until like 4 in the morning. Just couldn't bear to sleep. Too much to do! If I rip just one more cd...

Like a good little traveler, I checked the TSA website and I'm not going to pack my toothpaste in my carry-on. So hopefully there won't be too many problems with security. I'm still dreading the line, but my bag makes a good pillow. And I have zero problems with lying on the floor. I'm definitely that girl.

So wish me luck... and if you're traveling as well, be safe! Have fun! Or as my Mom would say "drive fast, take chances!"

It came!

I got it! It's here! It came! It's here! I got it!! Yaayyyyy!!!!!!!

My camera came yesterday! And I took pictures! And they are awesome! And it's so pretty! And shiny!

Did I mention I'm really excited that my camera came?!

The doorbell rang, and I ran downstairs, and there it was in the cutest box ever!! I thought just the flash card was coming because that's what Amazon said. But everything came. Yessss!!! I totally heart the UPS guy.

Sadly, I don't have pictures to post yet. I was much too engrossed in taking pictures and marveling at my new toy that I didn't have time to download any. But I discovered I am remarkably good at taking pictures at the exact moment when people blink. Isn't it amazing?!

But it's here! Yayyyy!!!!!

Digital dreams

These pictures are from our trip to the Baltimore Aquarium this past Sunday. I took about 150 pictures, and these are 3 of maybe 10 that came out. (And they're not even that great.) GRRR!!!! I have a relatively old Toshiba digital point and shoot, which has served me well for many years. But I've been thinking more and more about getting into something a little more serious. The results of my shooting on Sunday finally made me take the plunge. I ordered a Canon Digital Rebel XT 350 and a Sigma 30mm f/1.4 lens with a 4GB flash card to go with it. I think they'll be here Friday. I can't wait!!

Look, a puffin!! The glass was a bit foggy, probably something I could learn to fix with Photoshop. That's also on the to-do list.

Not really a surprise

The pump was too slow, and ridiculously noisy in a sort of dirty way. I mean, you have to inflate them somehow right??

Photo credits on this one go to my girl L.

Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

When the hurt or the fear become too much to bear, when they have immobilized you, when you feel like your every hope has been beaten down, you have no choice but to let it all go. Because you can't be afraid forever. It's not helping to think about the hurt anymore. You have nothing more to gain from the worry.

So just let yourself be.

Escape the noise. Walk innocuous streets. Speak easy words. Dream nothing dreams. Don't let go forever, but just for this moment, be free of everything. Relinquish control. Set the autopilot and breathe.

And when you've let it all go, when finally the brow no longer furrows and the mind no longer races, that's when you're able to let things work themselves out. And when the memory of the hurt no longer stings, then turn yourself around a moment and look back. Look at where you were when the world seemed so suffocating and your problems towered over you. Look back at how you felt and how scared you were. And then realize that you are okay now, and the reason you are okay is because you faced your fear. You conquered your hurt. You stared into the belly of your beast and have come out the victorious warrior on the other side. Maybe it doesn't feel like you fought a war, but the worry and the fear was your battle every day. And when you let them go, you won.

~

Inspired by Audioslave - Doesn't Remind Me. Check it out here.

Aspirations

I find myself increasingly spellbound by the blogging craze and longing to be immersed in it. I mean I blog, if you can call what I do blogging. But I want to be a real blogger. The kind that gets invited to conventions to speak, and has completely fantastic photos to post, and endless hordes of enthusiastic and/or angry readers commenting endlessly at them. I mean, I read some of these women (and I only say women because so far my idol bloggers are female) and I instantly want to be their friend. They always have some snarky remark that goes amazingly well with a "motherfucker" right in the middle of it. Or at just the right moment they have something sentimental and completely original to say. And you go "damn, this woman rocks!" And oh by the way, this is how she makes her living. How great is that?!

So I am on a quest. To be blog-worthy, to be interesting, to be dynamic and deep or shallow and amusing in just the right way. I don't need to be endlessly popular, as romantic an idea as that may be. I just need to touch someone the way these women touch me, to be useful to someone other than my best friends. Or perhaps just that, to be for my best friends whatever it is they need. Who knows. What I do know is I want more out of this. Because I see potential, I see depth, I see something that means more to me than 9 to 5 or the money in my paycheck that I hated earning. This feels real to me. It makes me feel alive and expressive and empowered. I love this new part of me, and I can't wait to see it grow.

Sunset

Today on my way home, I could hardly drive straight because I sat in my seat with my hands perched on the wheel, mouth agape, just staring at the sky. It was so amazingly colorful and beautiful. Almost as though someone had taken buckets of brightly colored paint and made enormous brush strokes across the clouds. The sky seemed endless and the colors were so brilliant and vibrant.

For a moment I hated myself for not having my camera with me. I wanted so much to save what I was seeing forever. But I instantly got lost again in the fading sun...

It made me so happy. Suddenly my day faded into nothing and everything was alright. The kind of alright where you can actually feel the tension melting away.

New ideas

It's strange that I teach yoga. I never really knew much about it. I had a conversation about yoga with a friend in college once, and I remember thinking how little I knew about it. But what I didn't say was how foreign it felt and how that made me shy away from it, too timid to even try it.

When I came to D.C. I lived really far from work. So I had to get up at the crack of dawn to get into the city to keep my commute to work under 2 hours. But then I was in the city by 7 and had two hours to kill. So I got a gym membership. I could roll out of bed, drive to the metro, read my book on the train (I read more books that year..), and work out watching the sun come up. Icky. But it worked.

I discovered Body Flow sometime during that first year and I was instantly in love. Granted, Body Flow isn't pure yoga. But I knew right away that I had really been missing out. My closed little mind had cost me precious years of experience.

It's really not that dramatic. But I really don't want to miss out on things. It makes me sad to think that I avoided something because it was different. Because I didn't know much about it.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off your bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

~ Mark Twain

Someday

Sometimes I want to write to cover up what I last wrote. Or think new thoughts to let the ones I just thought fade into the shadows. I'm so uncomfortable with who I am it's almost frightening.

There are certain aspects about myself that I have defined quite clearly. I have committed myself to being healthy and staying in shape. I love sailing, rock climbing, and snowboarding. I am pro-choice, libertarian, and decidedly happy to be American.

I can choose what to wear to work, I can tell you if I'm hungry (the answer is always yes, but God help me if I can figure out what to eat). I know that I don't want to be a web developer forever. I am ready to get out of D.C. But when it comes to the gray areas in life I tend to freeze up, or take the easiest route.

I believe my lack of confidence is partly a result of never really being single. I have always had the convenience, or pehaps fallen into the trap, of letting the guy I was dating decide what our relationship would be like, and therefore the better part of my life. I'm sure I would have objected to anything completely bizarre, but for the most part, all I had to do was spend time with him.

I always knew I was a bit conservative. When my dad told me I "never let go of the apron strings" I realized I wasn't the only one that thought I needed to get out and take some risks.

While I was still in college I moved to the outer banks for two summers and worked on a parasail boat. After college I moved to D.C. I got a 'real job' and experienced life a little further from home. Next spring I'm moving out West, my biggest challenge yet.

Slowly but surely I try to take steps that take me away from my realm of experience. Push me outside of my comfort zone. Ruffle my feathers a little and see how I react. But it doesn't matter where I live, how far from home I get, or who I'm dating. What matters is how I feel about who I am on the inside. And I don't think I am where I need to be.

I have trouble even putting words to the things I feel I lack. I suppose if I could name them and describe them, I would simply seek them out and lack them no longer.

I think I want clarity. Confidence. A sense of awareness and control. I don't expect to "have it all figured out" but I want to have the ability to work through my issues as they arise and not always default to "I'm sorry, that was my fault". Because not everything is my fault. And I have trouble remembering that. I always take blame, and I always bend to fit. I've got to learn when something is not bend-worthy.

I always say to myself that someday I'll spend some time on my own figuring myself out. So cliched. So overdone. But what choice do I have? What I've been doing isn't working. So I think someday has come to find me.

Who are these people??

My latest conspiracy theory is that there is a group of people sitting in a "room" somewhere sort of directing the traffic of our lives. And the group in charge of my case is particularly snarky, or fabulously brilliant.

Hey look, J seems to be doing alright, let's throw a few bumps her way.

OR

You know, J is in a good stable position right now. Let's teach her _____. And let's send _____ to do it.

So basically they're sending people, events, and/or ideas my way and watching me react. I fully believe they have only the best intentions, but sometimes it seems like every time I think I'm getting things figured out something makes me go "well, wait a minute".

It's completely positive. I love the rush of change and the dynamics of new places, new people and different ideas. I wish for my love of change to never wane. But sometimes it feels I'm being torn apart at the seems. Right down the middle. I must remember how good these changes are for me and how much I'm growing as a result. It's just so hard when my head and my heart don't agree.